Deeko Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Where do I begin? First of all, I'm very mixed up about my relationship. It's great and he's great, but it's me. Nothing has really happened for me to feel the way I do, and maybe that's what is confusing me the most. I think why I'm mixed up in this is because this is the longest relationship I've ever been in (almost a year and a half now) and at first, of course, I was all giddy and happy all the time and you know how it is in the beginning w/ the butterflies and the "he can do no wrong" stage. Well, eventually, that ends and reality happens. I realize it cant be like that forever and maybe I'm just adjusting to a new phase in the relationship. Maybe things are just too comfortable right now, I dont know. Things just seem different now, like more blah. I'm a very analytical thinker and I think and analyze things to the point where I convince myself I shouldn't be in this anymore but then I stop myself and realize that I'd really be heartbroken if this ended and to knock it off because I'm just obsessing over stupid ideas. Does anyone else feel this way in their relationship or have you ever? I don't mean it in a bad way, but sometimes I stop and wonder if there is something more out there for me. I could never break up with my boyfriend, but I don't understand these confusing thoughts. I'm just really mixed up and if anyone has any thoughts or ideas for me, let me know. I still enjoy being w/ my boyfriend, but that whole "giddy" feeling seems to have died. Help!
norajane Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Lots of relationships fall into a bit of a rut after the "newness" wears off. You start to do the same things over and over, you start to take each other for granted, you don't take the time or make the effort to treat the other person like before - affection, hugs, smiles, compliments, etc. Add a few normal disagreements and disappointments here and there, and suddenly you start thinking the grass may be greener with someone else. The trick is to first have a solid relationship that's based on actual love (not jsut "in love" or "in lust" or infatuation). Do you really care about this person, is he there for you when you need help, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen when you need it? Then, are you compatible - do you have interests you share, core values in common, similar hopes and dreams for the future? Do you care what happens to him, if he's feeling bad or good about something? Does he care about you and your life? If so, then you probably just need to focus more on doing some of those romantic things you used to do, and try new things that you haven't done. Have you stopped flirting with each other, planning and going out on special dates? Do you show appreciation for little things he does? Do you tell him how hot he looks in his Levi's? Do you tell him he's funny/smart/charming/great at fixing the toaster? Do you look into his eyes and tell him how special and sexy he makes you feel? If you do those things with him, he'll start doing them with you again, too. Good luck to you.
jusified Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I agree with norajane 100%. But I guess it takes alot of matureity to realise these things so some people don't get that. I hope I will find someone like that soon.
Author Deeko Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Thank you for the positive, helpful advice. I know what you said is all true, it's just this rut I'm in is really dragging me down. It has been going on for several months now and yesterday I felt terrible about how I feel because I shouldn't be feeling this way. My boyfriend does give me everything you mentioned and I always put an effort in with him but I guess the rush you have in the beginning is bound to wear off and for some reason, I'm having a hard time grasping that. I mean, I still want to be with him and we have done so much together. It just seems like I put so much hope and so many dreams and everything in this relationship and maybe ran out of energy. When I see him I don't get all nervous and/or excited anymore, but as you say, that's part of the different phases of a relationship. Thank you so much!
J to the D Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 i do the same thing. ive been in a relationship for over 4 years with a guy who is great and who i have done a lot of fun things with and have quite a bit in common with. the reason that i sometimes feel confused is that i dont feel the sexual chemistry with him that i did with my last boyfriend. however, my last relationship before him was a classic example of all hot sex and no compatability so its not the best basis for comparison. sometimes i feel like i am about to screw up areally good thing to go have a romp in the hay with someone i barely know and that would be a mistake. i tend to overanalyze things as well but i just dont know if i am "settling" for something that may have faded or if i just need to be an "adult" and recognize that not all relationships stay fun and sparked and totally sexladen after 1 year (my previous relationship record). ive dated a lot (im 32) so i feel like i have the experience to know what i want but i just dont know how long to expect passion to last....i dont have any other complaints about my boyfriend. im not really giving you a solution i guess. id love to hear other thoughts on this topic!
Author Deeko Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 J to the D; I relate exactly to what you're saying. It feels like something has "died" but I keep reminding myself that I'd probably feel this way with anyone whom I was with. I'm very confused right now...let me know if you recieve any positive advice, girl!!!
peanutbutter2 Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I can sympathize with the above posts as well - I think i've been there myself. Except that i messed it up. Things got very routine - i was only 19 and we were already living in the same apartment (with other friends) so days like sat mornings got very routine. After a while (probably also because i was young and it was my first long term relationship) the spark was fading and i started being irritated that he wasnt excited enough to see me when he got home from class, for example. i started having expectations that i would visualize ahead of time - case in point, him coming back form a long day, seeing me, hug, kiss and everything being better - and then when he actually came home (after a 9-9 day of class) and it didnt happen i would get disappointed. especially because i would greet him excitedly. eventually i "rebelled" to this behavior and stopped greeting him this way, and instead would remain in my room doing whatever i was doing. it was little things like this taht eventually made me seek attention outside of the relationship. there were other outside issues (not even related to the relationship - i had stress/anxiety issues to the point of needing medication) that contributed to our eventual downfall. but looking back, we shoudl have addressed the dullness issue because i did love him a lot, and i was his life - and i only realized it after the crash. i'm fine now, with someone else who i love, so i can talk about this freely. but i wanted to give my 2 cents out there and warn you what kinda things can happen even with the guy you are totally in love with.
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