Guest Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Help please! I have known this guy for almost 7 years now. When I first met him, it was through friends in college. After knowing him for a few days, we were out at a bar with friends and ended up dancing very closely...he put his hand down my pants and led mine to his. The next night, it was almost the same thing...dancing and hooking up. This was all within the first week of meeting him. Since then, which was about 7 years ago, we've seen each other many many times in all types of situations because we share the same circle of friends. However, he lives in another state now, which he moved to for a job. About two years ago, I let him know that I had developed feelings for him. He responded that he kinda knew about it, but after a while he wasn't sure if I still had feelings for him, so he just didn't pursue anything. He also expressed his concern over the fact that he no longer lived closeby. Plus he said that he realizes that he does not wear his heart on his sleeve and has a hard time telling people what he's really thinking. Because of his concerns, we still remained friends but he was very kind about. Over the last year-and-a-half, we had started talking a whole lot more...emailing a lot more, leaving comments on each other's myspace, hanging out with our mutual friends when he was in town, chatting online, etc. Things definitely seemed as if they were changing for the better. He flirted with me when I saw him, usually when he had some alcohol in him. I even travelled out of state to visit him for his birthday with one of our guy friends. While I was there, he acted very gentlemanly, even though I was worried beforehand that things might be awkward...but it turned out that things were not awkward at all. He did not make any moves on me that weekend, but again, treated me with much respect. NOW. Only about two weeks after I got back from visiting him, he came home again for a mutual friend's wedding. The two of us were the only ones in our group that came without a date to the wedding. I even joked to him as we walked into church that he could be my "pseudo-date" for the wedding. Later that night at the reception, we danced a little and drank a lot. The both of us were staying over at our friends' apartment so we didn't have to worry about driving. However, neither of us were stumbling around or falling down drunk. We hung out at our friends' apartment where we were sleeping that night...he drank some more there; I did not. After our friends went to bed, the two of us were still awake. The living room was dark except for th e tv. He was lying on the couch...me on the sofa lounge chair. Only about 2 minutes after our friends left the room and went to bed, he got up from the couch and came over to me, laid down next to me and started kissing me. Needless to say I was very happy because I thought he was trying to show his interest for me. We went into the spare bedroom, but only continued to make out and touch. After a few minutes of that, he asked me if I still had feelings for him and since I wasn't going to lie, I admitted I did. This didn't seem to bother him, at first as he continued to kiss me, etc. He hinted at wanting to go even further (i.e. sex) but I, at that point, said I wasn't ready for that. He was fine with that. However, he started to "come apart" in a sense. Blurting out how "love is a serious thing...you heard it during the ceremony today" and started bringing up marriage....and basically was freaking out o n me. I pretty much shut down on him because I didn't know what else to say. At no point did he say that he did not have an interest in me, however. We were both getting tired, so he said he would go sleep on the couch and i could have the bed. The next morning I got up and showered and have to leave before he woke because I had a family function to get to. I tried emailing him so we could possibly meet to talk before he flew back out of state. He didn't get back to me until he had already left and when he did respond, it was a week-and-a-half later. So, I was very upset that whole week, not knowing what to think. When he finally got back to me, he said he had planned to call me but chickened out and then he went on to say that we were nothing but friends and that his initiating what happened did not mean a change in his feelings and that there was no attraction between us. It felt as if he was trying to hurt my feelings. However, I still get this strong feeling that he is not being completely honest with me...like he is just to afraid to try anything so he chooses to shut me out and pretend that it's nothing. He also blamed his actions on the amount he had drank that night. Does anyone have any advice or insight? Thanks for any help!
genesis Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 hi, i'm the original poster in this thread...i've registered so i can more easily participate here. does anyone have any advice for me on this? thanks in advance!
genesis Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 help, please! can anyone offer some advice? it would be very much appreciated!
norajane Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 he went on to say that we were nothing but friends and that his initiating what happened did not mean a change in his feelings and that there was no attraction between us. It felt as if he was trying to hurt my feelings. However, I still get this strong feeling that he is not being completely honest with me...like he is just to afraid to try anything so he chooses to shut me out and pretend that it's nothing. He also blamed his actions on the amount he had drank that night. Does anyone have any advice or insight? Thanks for any help! If that's what he's telling you, then you have no choice but to accept that as reality. Even if you think he might feel differently, it doesn't matter - he's not going to be the boyfriend you want him to be. Whether he won't because he's not attracted, or afraid, or whatever, doesn't matter. The bottom line is he won't. And yes, lots of people single people get freaked out at weddings and hook up after the wedding to make themselves feel less lonely and freaked out. The alcohol definitely plays a role. The wedding/alcohol = hook up is very common. Also, the wedding/alcohol = fight is common among couples who are dating.
genesis Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 thanks, nora. i think what bothers me the most is that he knew i had feelings for him, so if he didn't feel the same way, then he shouldn't have initiated anything (alcohol or not). you would think, after knowing each other for 6 years, he would at least care enough to NOT do something like that to a friend. even one of his best guy friends from college told me that he always thought there was a spark between us. so, overall i'm just so confused about what to think...i'm still, however, having a hard time with the "alcohol as an excuse" thing.
norajane Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Oh, I agree with you. He did know you had feelings, and he should have acted kindly toward you as a friend would, instead of treating you like a hook up. Trouble is, a lot of people do act selfishly, even with friends, especially when the alcohol lowers their inhibitions and impairs judgment. The alcohol is not an excuse; it does increase the likelihood of bad behavior, though, the kind of behavior a person might not engage in if sober.
Island Girl Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I agree with norajane. You have to accept what he says as what he means. The worst thing you can do is try to read something into his words or assume he is not telling you something. Men generally say what they mean. Men can get caught up in the moment too - but that usually means caught up in the physical which is kept separate from the mental/emotional side. You haven't gotten into a relationship where you are dating so I wouldn't expect that his feelings had changed just because of the kissing, etc. Alcohol does make men brave and women more social. If he is a friend you want to keep just realize that is a line you should never cross again due to what he has said to you about the attraction not being there. If it is too difficult to just be his friend, drop the contact and move on. When you do see him (because of the nature of your circle of friends) keep everything completely reserved and platonic -- alcohol or not. Now you know. You can move on and find someone who wants to be with you and appreciates you.
suchislife Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 He's afraid and I don't believe he is telling you how he feels. BUT, you can't change this. You do not want to get involved with someone where you are always guessing how he feels. This is very painful and just leads to YOU feeling badly every day because you don't know what is going on. It might just be something as simple that he feels he needs time to explore his own life. He lives a distance away, and knows you are interested. Let it go. Stay busy. He will step up to the plate if he wants to. Keep in mind, though, that he has established his track record. This is the way he will handle a relationship with you. If it hurts now, how will you feel if you get more involved and then he does this? I have learned the hard way that you really want someone who values you and enhances your life. Life is too short. Try to move on, even if it is very slow. Good luck!
genesis Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has replied. you have been more helpful than you'll ever know. you've basically confirmed everything i was thinking and i truly appreciate it. it's funny because i said the exact same thing to my sister about this--that knowing what kind of person he could be, i wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
Green Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 you wanted him, but he's shown with his actions he just doesnt really care so, move on to bigger and better things good luck
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