why do 25 year old men do what they do..

January 29, 2007

I met and fell in love with a 25 year old man last spring. I thought he fell in love with me, too. We became very close over a 4 month period - shared alot of thoughts and feelings, good times, good conversation, and alot of cuddles, but no sex. He told me he never met anyone like me before...the sweetest girl he had ever met..the kind of girl he had been looking for...perfect. He talked about the future. He told me I was the kind of girl he would like to marry..that I would make a wonderful wife and mother. He told me he was the luckiest guy in the world to have me in his life. He told me he loved me numerous times and that he wanted to put an engagement ring on my finger. We talked about seeing each other after I graduated from college (my hometown was an hour away). He offered to help pay for an apartment if I decided to look for a job there in town. He even suggested leaving his job and finding one closer to my hometown. We talked about our dreams and aspirations. Sure, all of this talk made me a little scared, but not too scared, because I thought I had found the one. I thought he was perfect. I thought he was special. And I had no doubts that the feelings were mutual.

On the day I graduated he cried so hard he started shaking and held me tight. I didn't understand why he was so upset. I had every confidence we would be able to work out the distance situation. I already had plenty of job applications in all over town and he had already looked into a job in my hometown. We agreed to see each other on weekends until one of us found a job closer to the other.

But everything changed the minute I moved my things back home and waited on job offers. He became very unavailable - infrequent phone calls and infrequent visits. We only saw each other four times over a 5-week period and never on the weekend. And when we were together he seemed awkward, distracted, distant, tired. But he continued to talk about the future. He told me many times how much he loved me and how frustrated he was about being apart.

In early July I had good news for him (so I thought): I had been offered a job in town and was moving back in a month. I thought the news would have made him happy, but it didn't. Instead, he looked worried and got very quiet. He told me not to move because of him. He told me he was worried about the financial burden on me. I didn't know what to make of his response. In the next breath he told me he loved me and would help me pay for an apartment. He told me not to be surprised if there were an engagement ring waiting for me when I got there.

Four days later he broke up with me over the phone. It took my breath away. I didn't see that coming.

I still moved back to town and took the job I was offered. It's a dream job I'm lucky to have snagged so quickly after graduating. But I am still trying to make sense of what happened between me and this man who I thought was so special and who I thought wanted some kind of relationship with me. My life has always made sense to me - focused, stable, logical. And then I met him and my whole life turned upside down. I keep thinking if I could just find closure, I could put things into perspective, learn from it, and get on with my life again. I am getting on with my life in many respects - I have stayed busy with my job and friends and have even started dating again - but nagging questions still haunt me.

This is where I would like some help, especially from some men in their mid-twenties who can "get into his head" so to speak. If you could please decipher some comments my ex-boyfriend has made to me since the breakup, I would greatly appreciate it. On occassion I bump into him in social settings. Every time he is the one to approach me. But since nothing makes sense to me, I don't know how to feel towards him (angry at him for the crap he fed me; sorry for him for the emotional turmoil he's been through; afraid because he is one mixed up guy; or friendly because, well, things happen, that's life.)

Please, what is your take on these comments:

1. I don't have time to be the kind of boyfriend you deserve. My job is real demanding right now. Also, my old girlfriend that I dated for 5 years is back in town and I need to help her through a family tragedy (death in the family). She and I were supposed to get married two years ago but she broke it off and moved away. I don't have any feelings for her anymore. I'm totally over her but she's back in town now and she asked me to be there for her. I didn't think it would be fair to string you along when I really don't have time for a relationship right now. We can still be friends and hang out. (initial breakup conversation over the phone in July)

2. You don't know how you make me feel inside. I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you. You are the sweetest girl I ever met. I am so sorry for all the grief I have caused you. I'm sorry for being such a chicken. I'm sorry I rushed things. It was my fault. I moved way too fast. I know that. I got scared. (voice mail sent to me in early August)

3. I feel like a divorced man. I am a failure. I am no good for you. You need to date other guys and get over me. Can I still have your phone number? (the day after I moved back in town he shows up at my door - late August)

4. I don't know what's going on but I don't like seeing you with my best friend. I know it's none of my business anymore but I just don't like it. (bumped into him in a social setting. I was with two of his best friends - friends only - Sept.)

5. I'm no good for you. You are so pure and innocent. I broke up with you because I didn't want to corrupt you. (bumped into him in a social setting - November)

6. I feel like a failure. Every relationship I get into fails. I don't want to do that to you. I will ruin you. (same conversation)

7. You weren't a fling to me. I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you. But I am trying to stay away from you. I drive by your place but I don't stop. I pick up the phone but I don't call. I see your car everywhere. It drives me crazy. But I am staying away. I don't want to spoil you. (same conversation)

8. I got scared when you told me you were moving back to town. I felt alot of pressure. I was confused. I felt like all of our friends were pushing me. And that was at the same time my old girlfriend was putting pressure on me to be there for her too. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to let anyone down.(same conversation)

9. I dated this other girl for 5 years. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make it work. I'm a failure. I'm no good. That's why you need to date other guys and get over me. (same conversation)

10. I dated this other girl for a long time, some high school and all through college. I thought we would be together forever. Our families thought we would be together forever. We were supposed to get married but it didn't work out. I'm trying to get over her. It's been two years since we broke up. Everyone keeps telling me I need to date alot of girls to get over her and that it's going to take me at least another two years. (same conversation)

11. I want to be married. I was supposed to be married by now. I had plans to get married and they all fell apart. All my friends are getting married now. I want to be married. That's why I said all that stuff to you about an engagement ring and getting married. (same conversation)

12. I didn't use you as a replacement for my old girlfriend. I didn't use you as a rebound. I didn't need to use you to make me feel good about myself. I didn't lead you on. You knew I had a girlfriend before you (same conversation)

13. My old girlfriend came back into town this summer and I helped her through a family tragedy (death of a family member) but I don't have anything to do with her now. And I don't want anything to do with her. She's gone. She has another boyfriend back at school. I'm staying away from her. (same conversation)

14. I feel like a divorced man. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. (same conversation)

15. I wondered if we could get together and talk. I think we both need some closure. I think there have been some misunderstandings and I have a couple questions I'd like to ask you. Call me if you want to talk. (This was a voice mail message in early December. I returned his call 2 days later, left a message just stating that I was returning his call. He never called back. I bumped into him 3 days later while out with friends. He never mentioned the call and neither did I. This was our last contact).

I would appreciate it if someone could put these comments together and make some sense out of them for me. Some questions that are haunting me:

1. Did he dump me to see if he had another chance with his ex-girlfriend or did he dump me because he rushed our relationship, got in over his head and then got scared he couldn't handle it?

2. Was I the rebound girl? Was I a replacement? Was I just a distraction until the old girlfriend came home for the summer?

3. Why did he get so involved with me if he still had such strong feelings for her?

4. Why wasn't he up front with me about this old girlfriend?

5. Why did he lead me on like he did? Why did he carry on so much about the future - love, engagement, marriage, babies, etc. if he didn't mean it? For what purpose? And how could he do such an about face and run so quickly?

6.What was he so afraid of? He was the one who appeared to want to move the relationship to the next level. He was the one who talked so much about "getting serious." He was the one who had suggested I move closer to him. I thought I was just following his lead. I was in no big hurry to get married. I just graduated from college and hadn't even found a job yet!?

7 Why did he tell everyone I was the one who got too serious when he is the one who led me on so much?

8. What does a divorced man feel like anyways?

9. How did he think he was going to "corrupt", "ruin'' and "spoil" me? This man does not do drugs, smoke or drink and he was very respectful of my wishes regarding our physical relationship.

10. What could I have done differently to have kept this relationship from taking such a drastic turn?

Sorry this is so long. but thanks again, Taylor

January 29, 2007

Taylor: sorry you're in a world of hurt and confusion. The answer to your list of questions: HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU! Actually you should not be into him. He's confused, he's immature, feels guilty, doesn't know what he wants, he's unemotionally available, he wants to make himself feel better, pities you and so on. Sorry. But for your heart, I think that means cut your losses and MOVE ON! Of course you have lots and lots of unanswered questions. That's normal. You're never going to get the "right" answers. The bottom line is that HE is not the right guy for you! You will never really understand why he did what he did or how he did it. Try to stay busy, quit analyzing it and questioning it and move forward. Good luck!

January 29, 2007

I don't think YOU could have done anything. This is obviously mostly his problem.

How old are you?

Why the hurry to get married and settle down so early?

Mid twenties is still very young to settle down, especially for a guy.

I think if he respected your wishes with regards to your physical relationship, thats a good sign that he actually means what he says- he doesn't want to hurt you, and he cares about you- but if he doesn't want to be with you, he has to tell you sometime, there is never a RIGHT time. Its better to tell someone before you sleep with them!

It sounds like he is confused about alot of things and getting cold feet about things getting so serious with you.

Unfortunately that can happen in a relationship.

I know you are upset and hurt, and it sounds like he has led you on a bit.. but in every break up there is a degree of leading on, because its not an easy thing to do or have done to you.

Don't contact him for a while, have some space, and see how you feel then.

I also agree with Davis... some time and space will help you move on with your life.

January 29, 2007

Hey,

Well if it means anything im in my early 20's.

I dont think anyone can tell you what hes actually thinking. But in my opinion it sounds as if he was hurt when his last relationship ended. He felt a connection with you. Most likely loved you very much, but never stopped loving his ex. Feels guilty that you love him fully and he still has feeling for the other woman.

I would say hes confused, but if it came down to it , hed choose his ex over you ( as i think he ended your relationship to have a chance with his ex).

January 29, 2007

Sounds to me that he liked having you around and it gave him a sort of ego boost declaring love, engagements and marriage etc.

The key here is no sex.

Most men if they find someone they truly love, truly want to be with and truly respect will have sex with that partner, sooner or later.

It sounds very much like this guy although he loved you may have either had another person in tow, or still had feelings for someone else that just wasnt around, and could not go the full 100% with you.

My suggestion is to move on, inititiate no further contact and get on.

If he wants you back in his life he has to earn it after what he has done to you.

Good Luck

January 29, 2007

Taylor,

How sure are you that this guy is not married???????

January 30, 2007

Thanks to all who replied. I was amazed at the time and thought you all gave to my post. This is a wonderful forum. Kind words to comfort, encouraging words to support, kick-in-the-butt words to gain strength and wisdom.

sb129 -I am 22-years-old and believe it or not, this man was my first love and this is my first heartache. I am not in any hurry to get married, but he talked as if he was. He swept me off my feet. I didn't give him my heart lightly. I thought he was the one I had been waiting for. He had all the "right stuff" - everything I was looking for. The only thing he apparantly didn't have was a heart that he could give to me. Why? Because he had already given it to someone else a long time ago. It hurts to break up but I do respect him for not stringing me along any longer than he did. I think once his "buried" feelings for his ex-girlfriend resurfaced and couldn't be denied, it became unbearable for him to be with me when he wanted to be with her. I just wish he wouldn't have led me on so much - talking about a future with me - when he had to have known he wasn't over her yet.

Bubbalump - Yes, he was very hurt from his former relationship - but how hurt I did not know until after we broke up. I did not know how strong of a hold she still had on his heart (it had been 2+ years since their breakup). In fact, I didn't find out until last month that he had purchased a piece of property just before their breakup to build their "dream" house on. The house never got built but he still owns the property. Dreams die hard and hearts can take a long time to heal.

I also learned recently that this was not the first time he has "run" back to her, trying to rekindle their relationship. Little did I know. Again I wish I would have learned a little more about his past before I opened my heart so completely to him.

It is comforting to know he may have had some feelings for me - some connection - but at some point realized he didn't have room for 2 girls in his heart. For a long time I was haunted by the thought that he just "used" me as a distraction until she came back home or that he led me on so much in an effort to just try to have sex with me. I'm trying not to let myself go there because it just plummets my self-esteem. I just thank God we didn't go all the way or that he didn't marry me in an attempt to get over her!

What is really helping me "get over" him is the fact that he chose his ex over me and the fact that if he had to do it all over again I know he would make the same choice. Unlike others on this forum, I know there is no hope he would ever "come back" to me and even if he did, I could never trust him again. He couldn't trust himself. And I really don't want someone who can't love me 100 percent.

I do wish I could get angry at him. Everyone tells me it helps the healing process. But what should I be angry at him for? For not knowing what was truly in his heart until he had to make a choice? I am hurt, confused and upset because he led me on so badly and I really don't know why. It seems he was selfish and so reckless with my heart - but I guess I just have myself to blame for not protecting it.

LostandFound - Perhaps he did lead me on for an ego boost. I never thought of that, but it makes sense. Perhaps he thought, "I couldn't get my old girlfriend to marry me, but this one is willing. I'm not so worthless after all..." And you are so right - I gave him my heart so quickly - he didn't have to earn it. The funny thing is I bet every time his former girlfriend comes back in the picture, he jumps at a chance to "earn" her love and he just can't seem to do it.

MagnoliaJane - Your post almost made me fall of the chair. My mother had the same question when she realized what the nature of our relationship appeared to be. "He acts like a married man having an affair. This is not normal or healthy. You better rethink this relationship." These were her words two days before he broke up with me. Why was she suspicious? late night phone calls, brief phone calls, hard to reach by phone, late night visits, spontaneous visits, tired and distracted. Of course I didn't believe her and denied anything "wrong" with the relationship. She checked him out - he isn't married and he lives where he said he does, at home with his parents. Oh yes, another red flag - I never met his family or visited his home.

Davis - I appreciated your no nonsense kick in the pants response. I really needed to hear that. I know there is a good book out there called "He's not that into you" but I haven't built up the nerve yet to read it because I know it will tell me what a fool I have been.

And you are absolutely right. I have to stop the analyzing and questioning. I know I am just spinning my wheels in a pile of muck and it's getting me nowhere fast.

Thanks again to everyone!!! You are wonderful . Taylor

January 30, 2007