Prim&proper Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I've think I've finally figured out why NC works so well. Let me know what you guys think. As the person who was dumped, you tend to have hope that the other person would change their mind and get back with you. Contact fuels such hope. When you contact that person and they respond back, you tend to analyze and overanalyze their responses, looking for the hope in it. Even if the person says they don't want to be with you, you think well they responded back so they must still want to be with me, even though all they are doing is trying to be nice. You tend to read what you want to read in their responses because you are so sad and lonely without them and that hope makes you feel a bit better. With no contact, you still have that hope but over time, with nothing to fuel it and encourage it, the hope tends to fade away and you believe that they really are not getting back to you. Here's my story if you are interested. Ex and I have been together for over 1 years. We had 2 breakups before this, initiated by him. Each time he would come back saying he made a mistake. This last time, he broke up with me again, saying that he had to stop the cycle, saying that he loves me very much and very deeply, but he doesn't want this kind of relationships with the fights, and that he hopes our paths would cross, etc. The way he broke up with me really pissed me off because instead of extinguishing all hope, he left the door open for his return making it really hard for me to move on. But because of the way he broke up with me, I'm determined to move on. So I instituted NC. I was ok, though heartbroken for a week. Friday, he writes asking if I had a pair of his jeans and that he'd like to come pick it up. I tersely responded no thinking it was an excuse to see me because he works for a jean company and has over 30 pair of jeans, but it turns out I had them. I found them while doing laundry and sent him an email saying I'll return them to his office because he's out of town. He responded that he'll pick them up if it's too much trouble and i said i'll return them. So you see, i was doing fine, but after the exchange of emails, hope is in my heart because i'm questioning why he's so insistent on seeing me and I keep thinking that he'll come back to me. I don't want this hope. I want to just move on. But the contact makes it hard, so i'll keep having to tell myself that the reasons he want to pick up his jeans in person is because he is trying to be nice and to save me some trouble. I have to remember that and keep hope dead.
RocketMan2 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I've think I've finally figured out why NC works so well. I don't know about anyone else, but ive always known this in my head. Its accepting it and actually understanding with your heart thats hard. Its alright saying "i know i need to take time out to heal myself" but if you dont truly grasp and understand the actual implications it can be very hard to stick to it and not feel really crap. I guess you've just had an epiphony Well done, its a big step towards feeling a lot better. Rocket
Dubb Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I don't know what to do in my situation. I was put on a break but told I was the best BF she ever had. A month later I got I still miss you and just need more time to myself. She also told me she would probably regret it. I think she is going through some emotional maturity or something. I broke n/c a few times.
CaliGuy Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I've think I've finally figured out why NC works so well. Let me know what you guys think. As the person who was dumped, you tend to have hope that the other person would change their mind and get back with you. Contact fuels such hope. When you contact that person and they respond back, you tend to analyze and overanalyze their responses, looking for the hope in it. Even if the person says they don't want to be with you, you think well they responded back so they must still want to be with me, even though all they are doing is trying to be nice. You tend to read what you want to read in their responses because you are so sad and lonely without them and that hope makes you feel a bit better. With no contact, you still have that hope but over time, with nothing to fuel it and encourage it, the hope tends to fade away and you believe that they really are not getting back to you. Here's my story if you are interested. Ex and I have been together for over 1 years. We had 2 breakups before this, initiated by him. Each time he would come back saying he made a mistake. This last time, he broke up with me again, saying that he had to stop the cycle, saying that he loves me very much and very deeply, but he doesn't want this kind of relationships with the fights, and that he hopes our paths would cross, etc. The way he broke up with me really pissed me off because instead of extinguishing all hope, he left the door open for his return making it really hard for me to move on. But because of the way he broke up with me, I'm determined to move on. So I instituted NC. I was ok, though heartbroken for a week. Friday, he writes asking if I had a pair of his jeans and that he'd like to come pick it up. I tersely responded no thinking it was an excuse to see me because he works for a jean company and has over 30 pair of jeans, but it turns out I had them. I found them while doing laundry and sent him an email saying I'll return them to his office because he's out of town. He responded that he'll pick them up if it's too much trouble and i said i'll return them. So you see, i was doing fine, but after the exchange of emails, hope is in my heart because i'm questioning why he's so insistent on seeing me and I keep thinking that he'll come back to me. I don't want this hope. I want to just move on. But the contact makes it hard, so i'll keep having to tell myself that the reasons he want to pick up his jeans in person is because he is trying to be nice and to save me some trouble. I have to remember that and keep hope dead. NC works fine if you use it as intended. To heal, not to hope. If you are using NC to move on with your life, it works great. If you are using NC as a means to manipulate them back into your life, you're going to fail miserably. The thing about NC is yes, it may cause them to miss you. To wonder if you have moved on without them. But IMHO if someone really wants to be with you and feels like they made a mistake, contact or nc won't really matter that much. They'll step over their own mother to find you and make ammends. Honestly, if you're using NC for any other means than to heal yourself and move on then well, IMHO you aren't really doing NC. You're doing limited contact and waiting by the phone for a call. And to me that's not really not NC at all.
Author Prim&proper Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 My point is that having contact with the ex creates hope because you read what you want to read in the contact. But if you have no contact with them, you will gradually believe that that the ex has already moved on. Sometimes the hardest part about moving on is to believe that things are really over. Not contacting the ex will help you believe it. Even if one is implementing NC to move on, it's still hard to quash that hope. NC helps in quashing that hope.
riobikini Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 re: Caliguy: " NC works fine if you use it as intended. To heal, not to hope." Cali (Smile) -I just want to comment on how your perspective has changed so dramatically!!! Many months ago, I would have never expected out of you the kind of *genuine* tone of *experience* in regards to the comment you posted above. You've come a long, long way, Cali. And I'm so glad to witness seeing all the changes -for real, this time. (Smile) (Pardon the brief thread hijack...carry on) -Rio
johnnytable Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I agree with what is being said here. I would have to add that NC also includes not getting contact from them. So in this case, you wouldn't have heard about him wanting his jeans because you wouldn't have read the email or it would have been blocked. Perhaps this is too extreme, but life is too short to be delayed in healing over a silly pair of jeans. JT
FallenTree Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Good points... My recent events over the last few months remind me why I should have continued NC. The ex starts to call every night (most likely out of boredom I assume). There is no talk ever about getting bk together anyway, but it makes me hope a bit. I know I am being a fool by accepting these calls. I know I know...
Author Prim&proper Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 I agree with what is being said here. I would have to add that NC also includes not getting contact from them. So in this case, you wouldn't have heard about him wanting his jeans because you wouldn't have read the email or it would have been blocked. Perhaps this is too extreme, but life is too short to be delayed in healing over a silly pair of jeans. JT JT, I agree. But you know that curiosity is a killer! perhaps i should start having all his emails go into my junk folder.
johnnytable Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 JT, I agree. But you know that curiosity is a killer! perhaps i should start having all his emails go into my junk folder. Some email services (like HotMail) allow you to block them all together so that they don't end up anywhere. Even in junk you may be tempted to look.
Jane Doe Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 But IMHO if someone really wants to be with you and feels like they made a mistake, contact or nc won't really matter that much. They'll step over their own mother to find you and make ammends. That is so true!
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