SadandConfusedWA Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I'm 29 and single. In fact, I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than few months. I can't really say that all men dump me as I am the one that usually breaks things off. My main issue is that while I attract lot of men, I never attract the ones that I could like or feel something for. I guess I'm werid in a sense that I'm extremly picky and I almost never feel that "spark". I have only felt it three times in my life and managed for something to happen on each occassion, only to be dumped in matter of weeks. Those were the only three times that I have been dumped. Now, for years I have tried giving men that are interested in me a chance. I really have tried and dated them for quite a bit. However, getting to know them NEVER changed that initial lack of spark. I would end up dreading each date and crying myself to sleep afterwards. In the past couple of years, I have stopped going out with men that I don't like, maybe had a few dates here and there, but my tolerance level for spending time with them has dropped considerably. The problem is, I now have moments where I completly panic. I'm going to turn 30. I have never been in a real relatinoship. I have never felt what it's like to be loved back from someone that I actually had feelings for. I feel like time is running out for me. I want family and kids. The way I see it my only option would be to force a relationship with someone I'm not interested in. But, realistically, spending even few months with someone like that was too much for me, let alone a lifetime. It's just not possible. I would probably end up jumping off the nearest bridge. Another option is be patient...and wait. But I have done that since I was 16. Who is to say that anything will be different in next 13 years? That thought scares me to death. Now before you say that I'm uncouncinsly seeking men that are not interested in me and am deep down scared of commitment, that's simply not true. I would have given anything for relationships with three men that I have liked/loved (even though I have dated them for few weeks only, I have known them for years) to have worked out. I really don't know what to do anymore...
Road Rage Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Well, I can`t help but think it is still the fear of intimacy, commitment thing going on with you. Same with me. When you live with yourself long enough you catch yourself in action sabatoging relationships. Likely, you haven`t been busted by yourself:eek:
Curmudgeon Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Stop trying! In my experience, love comes best when you're looking for it the least. My wife divorced her useless ex when she was 30 and spent the next 18 years single, the last 12 of them with no involvements whatsoever. She, too, had given up on men and had some major abandonment and trust issues. Fast forward to age 48. I was 50 and we had been work friends for five years and were former coworkers. I'd been divorced for two following a 25-year marriage that should have ended long before. I asked her out because I respected and admired her and enjoyed her company. I had no romantic inclinations. It was just going to be two friends taking a little day trip together and sharing brunch. We were married two months later and celebrated our 10th anniversary last month. Falling in love shocked and actually scared both of us but we took the risk and it's turned out just fine. You never know what's waiting just around the corner for you.
TheDC Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I'm having trouble understanding why the few relationships where you actually loved the other person were also some of your shortest relationships. I can only think that you are choosing men to love who are completely incompatible or unattainable for some reason. Why is it that your most successful relationships are with men you don't love. That strikes me as being very odd. I'd have to agree with others here that you may be unconsciously sabotaging your relationships.
Kamille Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I'm a spinster too! And i have to say that I found Curmudgeon's post inspiring. Lately I've also been wondering why it's not happening and I realise that in my case it's because I am not making much of an effort to be 'out there'. And you know what, I don't much feel like being out there because I have better things to do then go on another lame date. Bad attitude I know. I guess that for now I choose to be single and I have no excuse. Here are, however, a few thoughts about those three relationships that didn't work out: Did you in any way change your attitude with these men? Were you trying to make a relationship happen too fast because you felt they were the right guys for you? Did you, how shall I say, become needy in any way with these men? I remember reading an article where the author urged women to think through how long they think it takes to develop a loving relationship. She was trying to get her public to realize that falling in love doesn't happen in three weeks or much less two days. And that we should never turn to the other person for validation, especially very early on in a relationship. Basically, it's important that we keep level-headed at the beginning. I know these thoughts have helped me - perhaps they don't apply to you but it's worth giving it some thought.
sb129 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Well, I can`t help but think it is still the fear of intimacy, commitment thing going on with you. Same with me. When you live with yourself long enough you catch yourself in action sabatoging relationships. Likely, you haven`t been busted by yourself:eek: I was busted by myself...... it helps to know so you can recognise bad behaviour patterns... Stop trying! In my experience, love comes best when you're looking for it the least. You never know what's waiting just around the corner for you. So true. Have you tried online dating? Easier to be picky, and also easier to not bother going to the "next stage" if you don't think it will work out. Alot of people on LS have had bad experiences online, but i met my man online... and he is mighty fine. And perfect for me.
Reckless Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Some good points raised - notably by DC and Kamile... One is that you feel you have loved a couple of times but these were extremely short relationships. This calls into question either your definition of love or the 'choice' of those you love. Love is something built on mutual respect, knowledge and understanding.. sure there is an initial spark of physical attraction which may or may not be immediate but love ISN'T that spark. Are you mistaking that spark for love? are you as DC suggested, maybe attaching your affections to men that are ultimately unsuitable if only because they do not feel attracted to you? I know... I know you say you would have "given anything" to be with the men that for whatever reason didn't want to be with you - but that's just it, true love does tend to have a mutuality. Sometimes live and circumstances block the path but in general people recognise quite early if someone is going to play a significant part in their lives. Whatever the point - there IS something... rarely are people alone without a reason. A lack of patience, a lack of ability to open up and/or see someones potential. An inability to accept when someone is simply unsuitable. An inability to 'take a chance' really take a chance and open up to someone that didn't necessarily 'fit the bill'. Giving 'don't approach' vibes to the very men that would make us happy, unreasonably high standards, fear..... I'm not saying necessarily these things apply to you, I'm saying that claiming that not finding a partner has NOTHING whatsoever to do with you is unbalanced. It's not a matter of asking 'what's wrong with ME' so much as am I looking in the wrong direction? What sort of person do I need? What sort of person would need me? Could I just live and love life full on and take each opportunity to see the best in the men I DO meet? Sure, we all lament the shocking shortage of eligable, employed decent looking straight men but fact is whether it's a buyers or a sellers market there ARE men out there. Like happiness you cannot chase them as a means to an end - ultimately we have to be complete in ourselves but time and time again I see that if you are open to LIFE grab it with both hands, give love and warmth in ALL directions and busy yourself making every moment count, love eventually comes knocking at YOUR door to join the party. And if by chance it doesn't (which I doubt) so what?! You would have still had a ball!
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 I'm having trouble understanding why the few relationships where you actually loved the other person were also some of your shortest relationships. I don't know. It shocked me too. Yes I did REALLY love them. I have known them for over 2 years in each case as close friends. I knew everything there is to know about them and vice versa. So even though it was unrequitted, I did love them. The intial spark was there but it developed into much more later on from my side. I'm not confusing lust with love. The reason it didn't work out is because they simply didn't feel the same. Each of them can't explain why, they say we are comptible personality wise, they consider me educated and attractive and generally a "good catch" but passion wasn't there from their side even though they tried to give it a go. I guess they didn't feel that "spark". Why is it that your most successful relationships are with men you don't love. That strikes me as being very odd. Oh no, those relationships were the most unsecessful of them all. I cringed every time I had to see those guys, touching them or them touching me made my skin crawl. I cried after each date. Those were the worst and I'm NEVER putting myself through that again. See this is wrong with our society, if I'm able to force myself to spend say 6 months with a guy that privately makes me want to throw up, I have had "somewhat successfull" relationship. If I can't and am single all that time, there is something wrong with me. I really really do not think that there is anything wrong with me. The only thing perhaps being is why do I feel any form of attraction to men so rarely. I also do beleive that an overwhelming number of people end up marrying someone they are not really in love with just for the sake of getting married and having a family. I can't do that. I'm also aware that there are number of people that marry becayse they really are in love and those are the ones that I envy. I think that finding that takes a lot of luck and fate. Being at the right place at the right time. Much like how some people have great careers, some have lots of money, some meet their soulmates without much effort at all, going about their daily business. But that part of my life seems not to be working out for me. As for internet dating, I have tried that, and it just felt like a very fake way to force a relationship, and again having any sort of attraction from reading someones profile and meeting them in person didn't work out for me. To me they could be an alien or a tree or pretty much anybody, I just couldn't care less if I see them again. It's all meaningless.
JCD Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 My suggestion to you is to get to know who you are and then befriend someone like you for whom overtime you develop feelings. These instant sparks or infatuation or lust that we feel for someone is not always healthy and results in disappointment. I met a girl I felt no spark for but we became good friends and I start to feel something for her, I think a bit of love. Have to get to know her better to be sure. But hey, I'm 31 and still a virgin and I used to feel like you and now I feel like I might actually land me a girl that means something to me.
Guest Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hi there, Just like to say that you are not alone. I feel exactly the same. I'm turining 29 and there are no prospects. There hasn't been for years, the ones that have shown interest just wants sex or to use you. I think I've given up and have to say I've stopped looking. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm educated, attractive, fun. But I attract men that would like to was the floor with me. I'm no longer interested in being used by idiots. Perhaps being single and doing wonderful things with our lives is what we are ment to do. Perhaps the happy ever after is not for us. Perhaps we should cure cancer and AIDS. You know technically there are almost double the amount of women on the planet than me, you do the math on the likelyhood of you finding someone now and it giving you that spark? Don't let it get you down, there are a lot of girls feeling the same way, society has been giving us the bottom of the barrel and I don't think we should settle. Wait for that "spark" if you never get it, it perhaps just wasn't ment to be.
Raleuse Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Now before you say that I'm uncouncinsly seeking men that are not interested in me and am deep down scared of commitment, that's simply not true. I would have given anything for relationships with three men that I have liked/loved (even though I have dated them for few weeks only, I have known them for years) to have worked out. I'm older than you (early 30s) so even more desperate. Like you, I have fallen in love. Really, head over heels in love, with 5 men. The first one was when I was 18. He was 26. I wanted to marry him, he just wanted a fling. Something broke then and everytime I fall in love it is with men who do not love me as much as I do love them. Number 3 was even weirder and the longest relationship (nearly a year) as at first, he was the one pursuing while I couldn't care less. And as everyone around me was saying how he was clearly in love, I started developing stronger feeling - until they were too strong for him to bear (yep I become needy). And the last one was doomed before it started (too young/immature, abusive, you name it). I knew it but still love him and unlike with the others he is also my best friend. All the others I didn't love and unwillingly crushed if they dared loving me. What I have learned about myself is that I rely on men to prove I am worth loving. And I do pick those who will actually prove me the opposite. And it all goes back to my childhood and a pretty cold and unloving (or so it felt) father. My problem now is as other have said, to stop looking but let things happen and stop suffocating the poor men when they do happen LOL. I have to love myself for men to love me and I'm the only one who will bring myself the love I need.
Ariadne Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hi, And it all goes back to my childhood and a pretty cold and unloving (or so it felt) father. I have to agree with that. When I look around, all those girls that had "loving fathers" don't have any relationship problems. They all seem happily married. And the ones that can never get it right seem to be the ones with the most unloving fathers. Btw, I'll be spinster forever too. Ariadne
guin_girl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I'm 29 and single. you are still so young... don't worry...
Kamille Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 LOL. My problem is that my father figures (father and grandfathers) are perhaps too loving. They are all men for whom family comes first. And yet, here I am, a 30 year old spinster. Thinking I will never find anyone like them. But in a way you guys might be right. I never relied on men to prove my self-worth. I think I might be single because I move to a different city every two years or so. Pierre qui roule n'amasse pas mousse, as the French proverb goes.
candy Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I know how you feel! It took me to get into my 30's before I let myself really care for someone. I was verrryyy picky, always thinking there was someone better ahead. Well, that gets you 30 and single! I am in a good realtionship now, with its problems, and sometimes I wonder if I'm being the OPPPOSITE of picky, to try to make things work this time for once and for all. There's a fine line between being too picky and just wanting the best; only you can figure out where that line is for your self......
clatan Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Yours is the most interesting post I've found because you sound almost identical to me, only I'm a guy just a few years older.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Yours is the most interesting post I've found because you sound almost identical to me, only I'm a guy just a few years older. Well, I'm kind of glad that there are more people like me. Most of my friends were either a) lucky enough to find loves of their lives or b) they settled for someone who is nice enough but they were never truly in love with. Since I can't do b) I guess my best bet is just to realize that a) is not meant to happen for me. As sad as that is it's the plain simple truth and the sooner I accept it the better. I do have other parts of my life going for me, great mom that I can talk about anything with, I own a nice apartment in the city, good job (for now at least), friends who I can go out with and truly enjoy their company and vice versa, a wonderful online friend who is always there for me and is going through lots of similar stuff. It's just really tough convincing myself that I will be ok even if I never meet anyone special. As good as the rest of my life is, there is always a place inside of me that will remain empty and sad if that never happens I can't help wondering why it is so easy for other people, why are they meant to happy and I am not. I have always beleived that if you are a good, caring, compassionate person, good will eventually come to you. Sadly, I'm realizing that the world doesn't work that way.
Green Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Haha Spinsters Unite I love it! well ladies I'm a Baxter, isnt that the closest male equivelent to spinster??? j/kidding haha well I say to any spinster who posted in this thread best of luck to finding a guy cunning enough to steal that heart of urs, and lucy enough to stick around and enjoy it for the winter
konfuzd Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I can share in your frustration. I have been stuck in this perpetual cycle of dating guys for a month or two, and then have it crumble without any warning or explanation. Added to that is the constant pressure from family to meet someone, and the harassment which has begun, where my friends and family have begun questioning, "who is the flavor of the week now?" I am completely humiliated. I try to tell people that it bothers me and it's quite rude, but they don't seem to get it, they have made me into a laughing stock, as if I don't feel bad enough about myself already. Anyone else having this problem?
Kamille Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Haha Spinsters Unite I love it! well ladies I'm a Baxter, isnt that the closest male equivelent to spinster??? j/kidding haha well I say to any spinster who posted in this thread best of luck to finding a guy cunning enough to steal that heart of urs, and lucy enough to stick around and enjoy it for the winter LOL thanks KMT. So supportive of us. signed: the cougar standing by the bar. On another note It's funny that many of us have the reflex of trying to protect ourselves by trying to accept that, simply, it will never happen to us. I used to have that reflex, hell I was sixteen and convinced I'd never find anyone, and I am learning to get rid of it. I believe that this reflex was informed by fear - and that subconsciously I was telling myself that I was not good enough to be in a healthy loving relationship. that I was somehow 'deficient'. I am not relationship deficient and neither is any of us here. I am not advocating a position that would go something like: don't worry it will happen to all of us, but more one that leaves us open to the possibility of finding true love. Ergo, I am happy with my life and who knows who could be just around the corner. Since adopting said attitude I have much better interactions with men.
candy Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Please eevroyone, please neevr think it won't happen for you! i don't know if the man i am with now is "the one"..but i do know i never had many relationships, and always wondered how peolpe met someone they were both attratced to and were attracted to them, and had things in common, etc. etc. but keep plugging away! it may happen in your 20's or 30's or even 40's but DO NOT SETTLE!! just enjoy other aspects of your life, and so when the right one comes along you will appreciate them all the more. and like i said someone else, onlie dating not bad. profile will say what you want, easier to meet people in your area with your interests and all...trust me!
knaveman Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 The freedom of not answering to anyone is nice. I do what I want when I want and enjoy every minute of it because I know it won't last forever. If it does last forever then at least I had fun. You should always enjoy every minute of your life no matter what your situation is.
candy Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 that DOES seem the best part of being single, not answering to anyone.
Yamaha Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 You mean out of all the males you have encountered there was only 3 of them that you had any real interest in? If this is true then you may need to evaluate your idea of romance. I guess we/you need to know what it is in a man that makes you sexually interested and if you are indeed to picky?
Noos Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Well, Kamille and I have established that we have a lot in common but I am 35 this year. I've fretted about being perpetually single for years and felt their was something repulsive about me. However, here are a couple of things to think about when the terror of the likelihood of being alone forever strikes you: A man or woman will not complete you - you are already complete and you should never rely on someone else for your happiness. We're all just sold that **** that without romanic love, we are nothing. Doesn't help when other smug people pity us - but remember - they are the people that can't cope without validation from a romanic interest. We've learnt to be stronger. My Mum tells me to look around at the men that my friends have married or are living with and to ask myself whether I would want to be with any of their partners. The answer is a resounding No! And my late grandma's advice - you can be very lonely in a marriage too. It's not only singles who get lonely sometimes. And never settle - imagine the purgatory of 24/7 with someone you're just not into. The guys I've know feel a sense of entitlement to having a Gwyneth-like partner - blonde, wealthy father, spoiled princess type - because they have been successful in their careers. It's like only that type is worthy of their status. That's too bad for them. I wish them a lifetime of boredom in their beige houses, with their BMW, their wife who spends all their cash and their spoiled kids.
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