someone100 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Hello, i'm new to this and I need some help. I have been with my partner for 13 years and married for 5. 7 years ago, I had a one afternoon fling with someone, which I imediately regretted. I now have two boys and am very happiliy married, however i'm worried. The problem is, we (my wife and I) are still in brief contact with my friend who is also married with kids. I havent worried about until now , but my wife is going through a bad patch (something else, nothing to do with us) and I have started to feel guilty as I love her very much. I have three options; Tell my wife. This will rip her world appart and I doubt we would ever be the same again. As for the kids, well, doesn't bear thinking about. Talk to my friend and tell her that my wife does know and to remember that, but I dont want to drag things up if she has put it behind her. But I dont want it to slip out if she thinks my wife knows. Say nothing and just deal with it myself and get over it as it's all in my head. Please help as i'm going mad here.
Krytellan Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Well, you've put her in a tough spot. You married her knowing that you had cheated on her. If you weren't compelled to tell her then, why now? She's having a tough time so you want to dump on her? Do you think "well, she already feels like sh*t, now's my chance"? I can't believe I'm saying this, but given that you have chosen to disrespect her for 7 years, you might as well go on disrespecting her and keep it to yourself. What would telling her serve but make her feel worse than she already does? Do you want to hurt her more?
Author someone100 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 Your right, the only thing that would happen in telling her, would be to help my guilt. I deserve this, I know, I have to deal with it, not her.
Scrivdog Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I agree that he should keep it to himself from here on in. But I don't agree that he has disrespected her for 7 years. That's way overdramatized. Well, you've put her in a tough spot. You married her knowing that you had cheated on her. If you weren't compelled to tell her then, why now? She's having a tough time so you want to dump on her? Do you think "well, she already feels like sh*t, now's my chance"? I can't believe I'm saying this, but given that you have chosen to disrespect her for 7 years, you might as well go on disrespecting her and keep it to yourself. What would telling her serve but make her feel worse than she already does? Do you want to hurt her more?
Krytellan Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 How is it not disrespectful to marry someone and have children without providing her the choice based on complete knowledge of the situation? If she were to find out and wanted to take it all back could she? No, and that's disrespectful.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 1. Tell my wife. This will rip her world appart and I doubt we would ever be the same again. As for the kids, well, doesn't bear thinking about. 2. Talk to my friend and tell her that my wife does know and to remember that, but I dont want to drag things up if she has put it behind her. But I dont want it to slip out if she thinks my wife knows. 3. Say nothing and just deal with it myself and get over it as it's all in my head. 1. I guess you really have to figure out here what is the greater good. Which is better - having a tower with a hidden crack in the foundation, or tearing down the tower and rebuilding a new one? Of course it won't be the same. One can only hope that when renewal follows destruction, it makes for a stronger more secure relationship. Do you think your wife might suspect on some level? Women pick up on the most subtle things - almost subliminal, that you take for granted. We watch, we worry, we plot - all without you even being aware we are doing it. I can guarantee she has noticed at least some change in your behavior, and while the red flag might be tiny, its still there. With this option, you will need some serious marital counseling - an objective third party who can work through these issues with you. You don't have to drop the bomb on your wife and then go to counseling. Perhaps you can suggest counseling to 'work on' things and then have it flow naturally as a result of that. That way you assuage your guilt, but you'll have a greater motivation to work on what CAUSED you to get into that guilty sitch in the first place. 2. Uh-uh. Nope. This has got to stop between you and this "friend" whether you tell your wife or not. Wounds don't heal by picking the scab, and every second you spend in this "friends" company is like picking the scab that much more. Even if you don't tell your W, you need to find a way to minimize and eventually end this contact. There is no reason for you to be friends with her now - as soon as you did the deed, she became nothing more than a liability to your marriage. You turned a friend into a threat. No turning back. If you do tell your W, then the "friend" is no longer an issue or a threat in terms of your W finding out. Naturally, she'll be banished from your marriage and from your life. As well as she should be. 3. Heard this one before. I can understand the mindset. In your mind, its over and done with. Never going to happen again, so what is the point of upsetting the boat if the storm has already passed? Just remember - there's a crack in the foundation of your marriage because of this. It won't ever go away, and it leaves you vulnerable for future f*ckups. Don't fix this problem by ignoring it. You ever heard the saying "three can keep a secret if two are dead" - well, understand that in addition to you keeping your secret and feeling guilty, there is a woman out there who is in the same boat. There is no telling when she is going to spill - and honestly, do you want your W to find out from this "friend", or worse yet the "friend's" husband? Think about it. You know what to do. You can either do what is easy, or you can do what is right.
Scrivdog Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 He was already married for 6 years before he had the one-nighter. So the point about giving her the choice beforehand is nonsense. I'm not saying that the one-nighter wasn't arguably disrespectful. But choosing to stay with his wife and keeping the family together, and being a good boy since is what counts at this point. If he stays with her for the next 30 years faithfully are you going to sit there and say he disrespected her for 37 years? Gimme a break. How is it not disrespectful to marry someone and have children without providing her the choice based on complete knowledge of the situation? If she were to find out and wanted to take it all back could she? No, and that's disrespectful.
Scrivdog Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I strongly disagree. This was a one-nighter. It can't be taken back. All that he can do is prevent it in the future. If he's been able to do that successfully for the last 7 years, then he's obviously got a handle on himself. There is nothing good or anything of value that'll come from telling his wife. None. If he loves his wife he needs to keep this crap to himself and take it to the grave. She has no need to know whatsoever. All the confession will accomplish is to put the marriage at risk and make her feel liek crap for years to come. For what? So the OP can unload some guilt? Forget it. 1. I guess you really have to figure out here what is the greater good. Which is better - having a tower with a hidden crack in the foundation, or tearing down the tower and rebuilding a new one? Of course it won't be the same. One can only hope that when renewal follows destruction, it makes for a stronger more secure relationship. Do you think your wife might suspect on some level? Women pick up on the most subtle things - almost subliminal, that you take for granted. We watch, we worry, we plot - all without you even being aware we are doing it. I can guarantee she has noticed at least some change in your behavior, and while the red flag might be tiny, its still there. With this option, you will need some serious marital counseling - an objective third party who can work through these issues with you. You don't have to drop the bomb on your wife and then go to counseling. Perhaps you can suggest counseling to 'work on' things and then have it flow naturally as a result of that. That way you assuage your guilt, but you'll have a greater motivation to work on what CAUSED you to get into that guilty sitch in the first place. 2. Uh-uh. Nope. This has got to stop between you and this "friend" whether you tell your wife or not. Wounds don't heal by picking the scab, and every second you spend in this "friends" company is like picking the scab that much more. Even if you don't tell your W, you need to find a way to minimize and eventually end this contact. There is no reason for you to be friends with her now - as soon as you did the deed, she became nothing more than a liability to your marriage. You turned a friend into a threat. No turning back. If you do tell your W, then the "friend" is no longer an issue or a threat in terms of your W finding out. Naturally, she'll be banished from your marriage and from your life. As well as she should be. 3. Heard this one before. I can understand the mindset. In your mind, its over and done with. Never going to happen again, so what is the point of upsetting the boat if the storm has already passed? Just remember - there's a crack in the foundation of your marriage because of this. It won't ever go away, and it leaves you vulnerable for future f*ckups. Don't fix this problem by ignoring it. You ever heard the saying "three can keep a secret if two are dead" - well, understand that in addition to you keeping your secret and feeling guilty, there is a woman out there who is in the same boat. There is no telling when she is going to spill - and honestly, do you want your W to find out from this "friend", or worse yet the "friend's" husband? Think about it. You know what to do. You can either do what is easy, or you can do what is right.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Either way, something has to give. Describing an event that happened seven years ago as currently 'driving him mad' isn't doing any favors in his marriage. Either it has to be fixed as a couple, or individually. She has no need to know whatsoever. I'm genuinely curious about this, and would love to hear a man's point of view on it. Why does she not need to know that her husband cheated on her? Does she not deserve the truth? I'm not trying to be argumentative - I am genuinely curious, as you generally don't get a chance to see that POV represented too often here.
Author someone100 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 All, I've decided that i'm going to "sweep" it under the carpet. I have been 100% faithfull in my marrage and it was a stupid mistake. I will have to take the risk of it coming out in the future, but there are loads of risks in life, like terminal illness (my brother died at 15), etc, etc. I will just have to accept it as a risk. My kids are young and need their mummy and daddy. Why pull that apart for something stupid I did years ago, we all make mistake and live to regret them. I certainly do. Really sorry for putting this on people, i'm just feeling a bit down currently
Scrivdog Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I just don't get the "deserve" part. The information would do nothing to help her. I could understand the argument better if he was currently in an affair. At least the information is something that would give her insight into the precarity of her marriage. But in this case, this guy has kept it together since then. So it's just a practical issue. The information won't help her and it won't make the marriage any better. I misread earlier and thought that he was married at the time. So he didn't even break marriage vows. My POV is this: The marriage will be better and she will be happier if she doesn't know. Either way, something has to give. Describing an event that happened seven years ago as currently 'driving him mad' isn't doing any favors in his marriage. Either it has to be fixed as a couple, or individually. I'm genuinely curious about this, and would love to hear a man's point of view on it. Why does she not need to know that her husband cheated on her? Does she not deserve the truth? I'm not trying to be argumentative - I am genuinely curious, as you generally don't get a chance to see that POV represented too often here.
outofdarkness Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 You are in a rock and a hard place. I agree with some posters that have said keep it to yourself. In 12 step groups it's often said to make ammends, or be honest unless to do so would harm others. I suppose it depends on how one defines "harming others". I also agree with the poster who said that she deserved to have the choice by being totally informed. My H did a great job of keeping his A's before and after we were married for over 10 years. I have often told him and told myself that I would have loved to have been given the choice. Mabey I would have chosen to stay with him and work things out, but mabey I would have chosen to move on and start over with someone else. I'll never know, will I? See what I mean. It's like a double edged sword...I would sit down and list the pros and cons of telling or not telling. It seems to work for me...Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 As long as you have learned from your mistake, your choice in cheating on your wife that afternoon - I say, don't tell. And you live with the consquences of your actions - And (hope) that the other woman NEVER tells your wife. Speaking of the OW, who is married, maybe it's best you two aren't friends anymore....Or is she your wife's friend too? You love your wife, your kids too, so just focus ALL your energy into them, making yourself BE the best husband and father. Not only in words, but in actions as well.
scubafish Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 someone, I think you are being way too hard on yourself, it is OK to forgive yourself now. It sounds like you have done enough penance for it, and you have been good for family ever since. If you feel like you are starting to beat yourself up again, just stop , and say 'NO', I will not do this to myself. then think of something else joyful. maybe soon, your brain will program itself to forget the pain you are inflicting on yourself. I don't know if this helps, but I wish the best for you-
LakesideDream Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 My POV. First stop all communications with the "Friend". Second keep your mouth shut about the affair! There is a reason you and your now wife did not marry those first eight years. There was also a reason you were to insecure to avoid your "one nighter". As for "going mad", stop being such a drama queen. You did the deed, and spilled the seed. It happened once, now forget it. No good will come in your marriage from disclosing your stupidity, don't do it again. You write that your wife is going through an non-marriage related "rough patch" right now, think of the absolute ****e storm you will create by "unburdening your soul". Suck it up! You have a marriage and children to shield from your long ago stupid act.
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