forbidden fruit Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I finally ended it and stuck to NC. It has been a long road to get where I am. My mm like everyones mm did not want it to end. He actually told me the other day he would like to keep it going for the next fifteen years. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I sent him a do not contact me e-mail. I got my h involved -well involved enough to not like him( they were friends) got his w involved saying I would not be friends with him( she does not know). So I tied up all my loose ends, left him out in the cold and noone is tallking to him. When I saw him today( we live close) he look like a wounded puppy. Major satisifaction for all the sh** he has put me through. He thought he could continue the A and we would all get along-wrong. I took my self respect back and so happy i married the right person. My h is so much of a better person than my mm. I thought I loved him, and maybe I did, but how could I love a person who treated me so badly. My ? is just curious does the mm feel any pain at the end or do they just move on -like next. He always said he loved me and cared and almost left a few times. If he felt all that why is it so easy for them to move on?
cbl Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Kudos for you. It's doesn't matter how he feels now. It's more important how you feel and whether you life will get back to normal. He's probably hurt because he's rejected in the dating game - just like every other men in the world. I hope he thought about the same question when he hurt you.
Jane Doe Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 His ego is probably hurt, yes. Rest assured, though, he'll find a replacement ASAP to console himself. You did the right, the healthy, and the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself. Now stick to it!!!
Meaplus3 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I finally ended it and stuck to NC. It has been a long road to get where I am. My mm like everyones mm did not want it to end. He actually told me the other day he would like to keep it going for the next fifteen years. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I sent him a do not contact me e-mail. I got my h involved -well involved enough to not like him( they were friends) got his w involved saying I would not be friends with him( she does not know). So I tied up all my loose ends, left him out in the cold and noone is tallking to him. When I saw him today( we live close) he look like a wounded puppy. Major satisifaction for all the sh** he has put me through. He thought he could continue the A and we would all get along-wrong. I took my self respect back and so happy i married the right person. My h is so much of a better person than my mm. I thought I loved him, and maybe I did, but how could I love a person who treated me so badly. My ? is just curious does the mm feel any pain at the end or do they just move on -like next. He always said he loved me and cared and almost left a few times. If he felt all that why is it so easy for them to move on? Forbidden, I am SO Proud of you girl!! WAY to go!!!! KEEP it up! :) AP:)
hardknocks Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 yes that was a very brave response on your part. the smart thing you did was enlisted the help of others cutting off your avenue to repeat. smart and brave.. good job! as for your question .. thinking about stuff like that will drive you batty ;-) try to let it go.
outofdarkness Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Yes, I think there is a certain amount of pain involved on the mm's part, but every situation is unique. It depends on the circumstances., ie; how long the A lasted, whether or not he has done this before, etc...I tend to think that A's in general are selfish on the mm's part and in MOST circumstances, as another poster said, it's just feeds his ego. Also, I think that men in general have a harder time expressing their feelings..So, it's hard to tell what's really in their heart...
Romeo Must Die Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 If he felt all that why is it so easy for them to move on? They say that the opposite of love is indifference. I personally cant understand it anymore than you do. I am either a love/hate kind of person. I cannot rationalize indifference. At least with me, you would know where you stand. I mean, why bother going through all that for nothing. To feel nothing? Why go back to a wife (and a life) they claimed they hated? Because they loved that life and the hate was the opposite of love. The same as I have hated him for what he did to me and still be able to love him anyway.
oyster Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 If he felt all that why is it so easy for them to move on? They say that the opposite of love is indifference. I personally cant understand it anymore than you do. I am either a love/hate kind of person. I cannot rationalize indifference. At least with me, you would know where you stand. To hate, you must have loved. To be indifferent is a sign of having moved on.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 PS You have ended this affair on your own terms. You did the right thing for yourself. Maybe that thing that you were looking for (in a MM) that had been there all along. Your husband. And he loves you and thats what really matters the most, right? If it had continued on his terms, under the the same circumstances, it would have been worse. Much worse. Because by then you would have had no control over it. And god only knows what you would have done to have kept it going.
riobikini Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 re: JaneDoe: " His ego is probably hurt, yes. Rest assured, though, he'll find a replacement ASAP to console himself. You did the right, the healthy, and the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself. Now stick to it!!!" Jane, with a few simple words, you hit it all -right on the nailhead! -Rio
herenow Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I don't think that pain is the right word for what they feel. I guess it depends if the MM has been caught or not. I agree that their ego is probably bruised, but I think in the case where the OW breaks it off before a D-day, the MM is disappointed. Mostly because he will not be able to have his OW on the side and it will take a bit of work to get a new one. As it has been said many times on this board, in most cases , the affair is not about the OW or the wife, it's about something lacking in the MM. If he doesn't stop to fix his own problems, he will probably just move on to the next OW that is willing to put up with him.
Babybird Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 So we've established that he treated you badly, married men are egotistical, selfish, and (basically) stupid for going back to unhappy marriage. We've also decided that the OW will be replaced. Honestly, I don't believe that he was thinking 'OMG I'm going to lose my piece of a**'. I don't think he was thinking I'm going to be a selfish pr*ck and intentionally hurt her. Kinda like being born with a defect. He lacked empathy. Thats just the way he was/is. If he told you he loved you he probably is hurting. You were filling that void he was missing, even if sex is part of it. Do I think that you should feel sorry for him, or be concerned because he is hurting? Absolutely not. He had and has always had a choice. Just like you chose to end the A. Total props on that one. I'm glad to here you married the right one!
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 So we've established that he treated you badly, married men are egotistical, selfish, and (basically) stupid for going back to unhappy marriage. MANY MM who cheat don't have unhappy marriages...That is the kicker and why it's even MORE devastating to the betrayed spouse because the marriage was fine.
Jane Doe Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 MANY MM who cheat don't have unhappy marriages...That is the kicker and why it's even MORE devastating to the betrayed spouse because the marriage was fine. It's interesting you said that. I recently posted a topic about this. I know some men say they have a happy marriage, yet they still continue seeking affairs. I guess it's safe to say they don't have a happy self.
MySugaree Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Happy, well-adjusted people have affairs, too. It happens every day. There's no affair pathology of which I'm aware. (Sex addicts are a different breed). We don't kick puppies, steal church money or molest altar boys. We're your neighbors, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, colleagues. We don't inhabit any dark, criminal netherworld. Our Crime of the Heart:We fall in love with someone when one or both of us is married. People are often labeled by their actions. That's true in spades when it comes to extra-marital relationships. That's why there's usually no meaningful discussion, here. The MM/OW ceases to exist as a human being and is reduced to his/her marital transgression. One becomes the sum of his/her affair. Today, the wages of sin is not death, it's being pejoratively labeled (usually with religious or pop psychological aspersions: "sinner"; "egoist"; "selfish"; etc.). The nuance, feeling, and power of the extra-marital relationship is lost in a blizzard of almost ritualistic condemnation. The particular is lost in the general. Then again, for most, understanding an affair is not the goal. As for your MM, if you mattered to him, he'll miss and yearn for you. He's all too human.
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 My mm was always telling me he was so screwed up. I just wanted to see what I wanted to see. I never saw him for what he truly was, which was a great big insecure coward. He will never leave his m because he is not strong enough and no matter how great the sex we had and all the good times we had. It is and will never be enough. He might miss and yearn for me, but he is too stubborn and too macho to do anything about it. Plus he is probably running back to the nest with his tail between his legs until he is ready to move onto to his next prey. How could I of been so stupid to think he would of done anything? I am mad at myself that I opened my heart to someone that only did not take care it , but broke it. I hope he suffers for the rest of his life with what he could of had, but I doubt it.
MySugaree Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Often it's a double betrayal in the most common asymmetric affair: MM and "single" OW. The MM betrays his wife by cheating and he betrays his OW by not leaving (his wife). Many an Affair is littered with broken vows and promises. The OW is a girl friend who wants to become a Wife. The MM is a Husband who wants to remain a boy friend. Often, especially after the hot affair sex cools, this unresolved tension in goals implodes the Affair. The MM crawls back to his Wife and the older and wiser OW rues the time wasted in a relationship of convenience (for him).
puddleofmud Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hi FF! So sorry you are having to go through this but am glad you did what was best for you! You have come to the stage we all experience in any "break-up" where one realises that one's partner was not what one thought. It sux the big one, doesn' it??!!! Whatever he "probably is" "probably is not" doing isn't much to worry about since you are the one with the brain, here. As to "his" feelings: though it may not be wise to drive yourself crazy about that, either, fact may be that he WILL suffer for the rest of his life because HE HAS no self-awareness about his feelings--he uses others to do that for him--and will never find any real satisfaction because in the end, persons such as yourself will ALWAYS "figure him out" and kick his sorry behind to the curb. If he wishes to live like that, then live and let live and be the wiser for the experience. Respect that YOU stepped back and took a good look at what you were about to do: jump off a cliff w/ a person who cares so little for themselves they are not capable of caring for any one else! Hang in there, sweetie--you are doing a great job after all you've been through! My mm was always telling me he was so screwed up. I just wanted to see what I wanted to see. I never saw him for what he truly was, which was a great big insecure coward. He will never leave his m because he is not strong enough and no matter how great the sex we had and all the good times we had. It is and will never be enough. He might miss and yearn for me, but he is too stubborn and too macho to do anything about it. Plus he is probably running back to the nest with his tail between his legs until he is ready to move onto to his next prey. How could I of been so stupid to think he would of done anything? I am mad at myself that I opened my heart to someone that only did not take care it , but broke it. I hope he suffers for the rest of his life with what he could of had, but I doubt it.
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 First off we are both married and second i did not end because the sex cooled off far from it.
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 thanks puddle everyday is a new feeling today is a hard day because I feel so used and lied to. Tomorrow i am sure will be different. I guess like Ap said I should have some comfort in knowing I ended it!! If anything he knows now I am not his doormat. I am sure he will have a new doormat to replace me because it is easier than fixing himself.
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 thanks puddle everyday is a new feeling today is a hard day because I feel so used and lied to. Tomorrow i am sure will be different. I guess like Ap said I should have some comfort in knowing I ended it!! If anything he knows now I am not his doormat. I am sure he will have a new doormat to replace me because it is easier than fixing himself. FB, Expect a bunch of new feeling day's that is very normal. I have felt angry, used, lied to, played and so many more. You need time to heal from this. Posting and reading here has helped me. Time for you and me to take back "Our Neighborhood's girl. Just a little humor there. Hold your head high and keep your chin up! Your a strong woman! ((((HUG'S))))). AP:)
Author forbidden fruit Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 I keep thinking that miracously he will realize what he has lost and be that person that I want him to be. Nc is so hard I just saw him at a stoplight and I wanted so badly to call him and say hi. However I remeber all the pain and it stops me. I don't know what to feel because he has never respected my NC before and now he is and I am not sure how to interept it. Does it mean he finally respects me or has he moved on already and glad it is over?
BenThereDunThat Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Short answer: No. Long answer: Nope. The main emotion he's feeling is relief that it ended before anyone got caught. I don't mean to downplay his feelings for you. But the truth is, there are no real feelings in an affair. He may believe there are, you may believe there are. But they just are not real. Period. Your mind plays funny tricks when you think you're in love. Real, true, so-called "meant-to-be" love is out in the open light of day. You will never, ever find it in the shadows. Ever.
outofdarkness Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 MANY MM who cheat don't have unhappy marriages...That is the kicker and why it's even MORE devastating to the betrayed spouse because the marriage was fine. Yep, I agree that in some circumstances, it has nothing to do with the M itself but rather it is a symptom of some sort of unresolved problem with the MM...The easiest thing to do is to blame the W, and the CH MAKES this easy due to the lies that are almost inevitably told to the OW...Many times, the W is NOTHING like the MM has portrayed her to be. This is NOT real love, in my opinion. If the MM really loved the OW then why would he not be totally honest and upfront with her? My answer is that many times, the Mm is just selfish and likes to eat cake...Often there is never even a thought of the MM leaving his W and family, but that is not what the OW is told! Many times the OW is not even told that he is still married. The OW is either told that he is 1) separated and getting ready to file 2) Not married at all and takes off his ring; this is an easy one when the H travels alot on business! 3) Is already divorced. Most people in general tend to be trusting...Why would you NOT trust someone who seems so loving and attentive and says every other breath how much he loves you and wants to be with you? Just some thoughts...
Babybird Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I don't mean to downplay his feelings for you. But the truth is, there are no real feelings in an affair. He may believe there are, you may believe there are. But they just are not real. Period. Your mind plays funny tricks when you think you're in love. Real, true, so-called "meant-to-be" love is out in the open light of day. You will never, ever find it in the shadows. Ever. I totally disagree when you say there are no real feelings in an affair. A or not many people question whether or not what they had been feeling is love. I look back at my first marraige and know with certainty that I never loved him. Thought it was then, know it wasn't now. Every piece of advice is based on one persons thoughts and opinions. Comparing MM or MW isn't comparing apples to apples. No one knows the entire situation. Not all MM/MW are the same. It's a stereotype and not fair to the man. He's not the only one liying in or about the relationship.
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