Should I lay all the cards on the table to her after the fact we are over??

[rab5]

I would like to know what others think. I'm contemplating sending my ex an email (letter) explaining everything I couldn't tell her before. I feel the need to do this but am wondering if it's a mistake slowing the healing process. I'm not expecting anything from her at this point but I feel compelled to send it to her. Please help.

I posted way to long a thread, as being new to this, and only got one reponse. Please read the older post below and any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm 37 she is 21 and we broke up after 2 years. I was warned about falling for a girl that is 16 years younger than me but things happen. We live in a small town where we run into each other too much for comfort. At the beginning she was very persistant chasing me and I kept my distance but eventually gave in. We hooked up one night and became boyfriend / girlfriend to my reluctance a couple of months later. I was told she is probably going to go through some changes and you are in a dangerous position if you fall for her. I think that was always in the back of my mind but I stopped seeing it for myself.

 

I was very distant and did little to nurture this relationship. Before you think I'm nuts, this girl carries herself like she is ten year older than she is. Although there are the young girl behaviors with closer observation. For example, cell phone blitzes with her friends, enough to drive anyone crazy. But, she was much more mature than her friends and fell for her I did before I lost my logic and reason.

 

I never told her much that I love her, I missed her when on the road or anything to ease her insecurity. Besides that I subconsciously did every thing end this relationship. Not go to her parents house, not make dinner dates, flowers. We had a sit down and I said I don't want to get married and I don't know what I want. I did want to plan a future though. All I had to do was say a few things, do a few things to keep it going but always seemed to feel like I was pushing her away. Maybe it was my better judgement burried deep below fighting to do what was right, I don't know.

 

She said we need to talk, she's not happy (duh) and told me she needs some time to think and I need to think if want to be in this relationship. SHe said she is only asking for minor changes and wasn't sure how much time she needed. Two weeks later she says," I'm not sure if I want a relationship now because of school, internship and We need to work on our own happiness, etc.. That's when my heart dropped out of my chest. I knew it was over and that was just a attempt at an easy break it off.

 

We would talk every other day, go for breakfast, lunch once a week, than twice a week, than once a week and now no contact which I expected. My family members who council me say don't make any contact. The problem is I never got to say what was in my heart, but now thinking I was doing the right thing, giving here space, and feel I've let the window close. I want to tell her of my plans for the future with her. That I want to be engaged to be engaged and when she gets some through school take the next step. But I never gave this communication to her before and she would probably go into shock. It's no one's fault but mine.

I tried to set a dinner date to tell her this two weeks ago against recommendations, she agreed than blew me off. She called me two days later to invite me to hang out with her and mutual friends, so I did like a desparate idiot not asking why I was disregarded. She asked if we could do some arrands together and I, of course, made my self available and than she blew me off again. I will not make any contact after this but it kills me to not lay the card on the table. It would appear that It wasn't meant for me to tell her my thoughts. And, again, it's my fault for not doing it when I could.

 

I feel I was afraid of the apparent inevitable demise of this relationship and I let it destroy it all. I thought I would email her my thoughts but my advisors stronger disagreed of this idea so I held out. I love her very much and miss her more than I thought was in my capabilities. I want her back more than anything but I know our paths are not alligned and I'm trying to move on. Key word -trying- and feeling like it's getting worse and not any better. I'm now in and out of angry mode feel like telling her to go take a leap when I see her but I hope I don't. Just so heartbroken it kills me.

 

It's pretty obvious that she needs to experiece life more but I feel if we had a year or two ahead of now we could be really great together but the chances are up to fate and out of my control completely. Absolutely, the most painful thing I've ever felt. Does anyone have any simular situations?

[norajane]

A year or two more isn't going to add up to the 16 years you have on her. She's in a completely different place in her life than you; she has a decade of major change ahead of her.

 

For that reason, I believe that you really can't build a future...even if you laid your cards on the table, you aren't going to be successful in the long run. I think you know that deep down - that's why you held back the whole two years you dated.

 

I think your advisors are right - no contact, no letters. You need to get over this girl, and the longer you draw it out, the longer it's going to take for you to start feeling better.

 

But if you simply won't be able to stop thinking about her otherwise, then go ahead, write the letter. The worst that can happen is she'll ignore it altogether, or tell you she's not interested anymore. Maybe you need to hear that one more time.

[LakesideDream]

At first (and casual) read it seems that a polite and decent end to the relationship has occured. Be greatful. Be happy about your time together.

 

You are way ahead of many here. It's easy to fall into the trap of bitterness and anger, you are luckier than most having avoided it.

[shoesies05]

Is the age difference the most difficult thing about this relationship to you? Is that why you kind of closed yourself off to opening up about your feelings for her?

 

I'm young, and yes age CAN be a big deal. I'm sure she is going to change a lot, but no matter the age: everyone changes as you get older. You said she's mature, so why then does the age matter?

 

I don't think it's ever a good idea to break up with someone just because they are going to change through the years because you have no idea how they will change. It may be for good or bad- but you never know, and shouldnpect the bad. Especially if you want to be by her side, guiding her, loving her- helping her. he

 

I say lay out your cards, if nothing else it will help you feel some closure it seems. I hope that she responds and feels the same as you do. Getting over all this won't be easy though, whether or not you two decided to get back together or not.

 

Just think: why does age matter so much? things always are happening in life to change us- no matter our age.

Do you trust her?

[justagirliegirl]

I don't really understand why you spent 2 years with someone you treated like crap and had it in your head the rs was doomed from the start?

[alasia]

I agree with the above poster.

 

From reading your post it seems like you didn't want to be with her from the beginning, had no love for her and treated her like dirt.

 

And now you're regretting it?

[rab5]

All fair comments but I treating her like dirt is extreme. I am trying to be completely honest about this relationship and I'm regretful but I was good to her in many ways too other than issues of the heart. Just to focused on other things too much. My bad.