SohCahToa Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I can't bring myself to do it, if that is what I have to do... I really loved this guy for a long time (for me). We have been together for 1.5ish years. His family loves me and mine loves him. I'm just not really that attracted to him anymore. I am only 25 years old and he is 28. I feel like I want to be with him because he is a good guy...really good. He treats me great and he is very loving. He loves me very much, (but I know he can sense that something is up with me). Up until a month or so ago I felt the same way. Lately I haven't felt like having sex with him or actually being touched by him. I feel some resentment towards him. I was hoping that this was something that we could work through, but I realized it is a pattern with me. I always fall out lust with my boyfriends and then I stop wanting sex. I always care about them though. I pack him lunch and take care of him when he needs to be babied. I just can't figure myself out lately. Maybe I'm just not attracted to him anymore or my gut is telling me to move on and let him move on. I can't bring myself to have "that" conversation with him. Do you think that I should talk to him about the sex thing? Should I bring it up, or should I just break it up? I could see myself marrying someone like him, but I'm too young now for that. Am I out of love? Maybe we need a break? I also find myself wanting different things in a man now. I want someone handy and more manly. A guy who can fix things and be chivalrous. Is that too ideal? Am I being a bitch? Could I just be realizing what I want in a man now after having a bunch of relationships? I need some seasoned advice...please...I'm going crazy...:(
johan Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 When you say you want someone handy and more manly, that makes me wonder what the guy you're with is like. It could be you should let him go. But I do wonder why you resent him. I think it would be worthwhile to figure out what started that. When did it start? What happened at that time? Is it something he did, or is it something in you? When you come to terms with what is causing your resentment, then you'll have a better grip on what the right solution is. You described this as a pattern, and people often live their lives as slaves to patterns like this. So no matter what you end up doing with this guy, I recommend you figure out what's up with yourself. On a positive, slightly selfish, note: It's nice to know there soon may be another single woman out there to dilute the field.
Quinch Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I think you should take a break for a while but sit down with him and let him know why you're doing it. Explain that it's not his fault and you care about him. It sounds like you're in uncharted territory with this relationship. You are finally breaking the pattern and it scares you. Sometimes it is easier for us to do what we have always done before rather than what is best for us because we don't know what happens next. Take some time, talk to your family, talk to your friends and learn to stop hating yourself.
norajane Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 You can't work through resentment or a behavior pattern unless you have an idea of what's causing it. How could you just suddenly fall out of love a month ago? Was he pressing for a commitment? Are you bored? If this is a pattern, then you will continue this pattern with the next guy, and the next, and the next, unless you figure out what your issues are. No guy can be everything to you. There are always trade-offs. Next guy might be handy, but he might not be able to do your taxes, or he might be a big flirt and makes you feel insecure when he's around other women. Next guy might be manly, but that might mean you're a football widow each winter, and a baseball widow all spring and summer. Point being, you will always find something missing or something that doesn't click, because what's missing or doesn't click lies within yourself. Do some research into fear of intimacy and fear of commitment. See if you recognize yourself there. Maybe you won't, and maybe this guy isn't right for you, but give it some thought to make sure.
cait7484 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Hey. I recently broke up with my boyfriend for some of the same reasons. He is the most amazing man ever but I just didn't have a good feeling. I felt myself wondering what it would be like to date other people and I just wasn't sure about the future. You have to follow your feelings. It's not fair to either one of you to keep going in a relationship you aren't sure of. But maybe before you get into another relationship you should figure out what you really want or else you will just keep doing this to other guys. It's a painful conversation but it would hurt to stay in a relationship you aren't happy in too. Good luck and follow your heart.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I really loved this guy for a long time (for me). We have been together for 1.5ish years. His family loves me and mine loves him. I'm just not really that attracted to him anymore. I am only 25 years old and he is 28. I feel like I want to be with him because he is a good guy...really good. He treats me great and he is very loving. He loves me very much, (but I know he can sense that something is up with me). Up until a month or so ago I felt the same way. Lately I haven't felt like having sex with him or actually being touched by him. I feel some resentment towards him. I was hoping that this was something that we could work through, but I realized it is a pattern with me. I always fall out lust with my boyfriends and then I stop wanting sex. ...:( Wow..I guess it is true...women are never satisfied. Always looking for the bigger, better deal. You should let him go so he can move on with his life and find someone less superficial.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 On a positive, slightly selfish, note: It's nice to know there soon may be another single woman out there to dilute the field. If you don't like long lasting relationships, then she is right up your alley.
fjk82 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Listen to me... You WERE ME a year ago. I was with my BF for 4yrs we lived together and he truly was the perfect man. I will never find better..But at the time I found myself not wanting to have sex with him. He always wanted to but I found myself always making an excusse so I wouldn't have to do it. Now I went back and forth with this for a long time. Then BAM I made a decision and decided to break up and end our 4yr rship. The second I got all my stuff and moved out I still wasn't 100% positive on the choice I had just made. But I didn't know if that was FEAR or really not doing the right thing.. The point is I regreat it more then anything in my entire life. Please really make sure this is what you want to do. I truly thought my X would take me back. I really feel and look at it as I was having a crisis but during that time I broke his heart and so far he is not willing to let me back into his life. He doesn't even speak to me..There is nothing more in this world that hurts me more then that. I deal with it every single day of my life and living with the fact that I had my prince. But my thoughts and whatever else made me turn negative toward it and I broke off things with the perfect man.. So please..Really think about this..Dont make the same mistake I did. Id do anything to be back where I was in your shoes thinking about everyting with him. If only I had decided to stay.. Good luck...Just really make sure your a 100% with your decision..
johan Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Wow..I guess it is true...women are never satisfied. Always looking for the bigger, better deal. You should let him go so he can move on with his life and find someone less superficial. I don't think there's enough information here to go for the "superficial" label. This kind of thing happens all the time. Even to non-superficial people. I think you're just expressing your own anger about failed relationships and unfairness. I think you were just triggered by this story. But I think that's more your problem than hers. She has thinking to do, but this is something that happens to people all the time. It's not necessarily a sign of being superficial. I think it's an important skill to be able to not project your own emotions about your own experiences unfairly onto someone else. Otherwise you just block understanding and the ability to listen or be heard.
magichands Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Listen to me... You WERE ME I don't believe in past lives. Especially when you're not dead, yet.
amerikajin Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I also find myself wanting different things in a man now. I want someone handy and more manly. Your boyfriend became too much of a wussy boy for ya, eh? His metrosexuality and sensitivity, despite the fact that he worships you and tells you how beautiful you are and how he looks forward to the future with you, ain't enough to turn you on? No surprise there. Men want women, women want men. It ain't logical, it's bio-logical. It's not rational, it just is. He'll be devastated but the sooner you just come out and rip his heart to pieces, then sooner he can go through the process of becoming a depressed, emotionally empty shadow of his former self and, somehow, recover. Am I being a bitch? Could I just be realizing what I want in a man now after having a bunch of relationships? Like, wow! That's soooo kewl.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I, too, am curious by your use of the word resentment. That's a bad word to me and you mentioned the felling but not the reason behind it. When I have felt that a man's touch or the idea of sex with him is kind of repulsive to me, I have been either very angry about an unresolved issue or, yes, no longer in love. But neither of those circumstances happened in a short time period like a month. I have known some women that enjoy sex in the chasing and attracting the man stage, and then find their desire wanes once they are sure they have secured the man. I think that the time period between one year and two is often the unraveling of a relationship. The initial lust has waned and by then the masks have come off. Nobody is as perfect as they once appeared. Sometimes the right person does come along at the wrong time. If you are not ready for long term commitment right now, maybe you simply have some more wild oats to sow. I also like a handy man. Someone who owns power tools and doesn't mind handling some auto maintenance/repair. The trade off is that time spent on projects and maintenance is time not spent with you. the man who pays for things to be done therefore has more time. I'm thrifty and apparently saving money is more important than saving time to me. I would definitely weigh the option of breaking up with the utmost consideration. You have only been feeling this way for a short time and seem to have a lot to lose based on your description of your boyfriend. Be sure you really want it if you decide to break up. Good luck to you.
magichands Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Could I just be realizing what I want in a man now after having a bunch of relationships? That's it, exactly.
amerikajin Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 What she's looking for is a dominant male. This is just another example of how modern liberted women say the opposite of what they really want. They say they want nice and sensitive, but we all know that in the end, nice and sensitive aren't gonna cut it. A woman has to know that her man can dominate her. Women need to be controlled. That's not male chauvinism, that's sexual reality. Women feel weird around guys who can't behave like men...which is why they will eventually end up seeking out a guy who can (even if she's already married).
magichands Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 modern liberted women Is that some sort of surgical procedure? I'm thinking cosmetic surgery... am I right?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Could I just be realizing what I want in a man now after having a bunch of relationships? Maybe. For me it's more what I want in a man right now. Each time I hope this will be the one that I grow old with, just like I am hoping now. But people change over time and sometimes one veers off in a different direction than the other. My belief in "forever" gets dimmer and dimmer with each decade. I don't know if that makes me cynical or wiser. Each relationship hopefully gives you a more defined sense of what you want in a man at least. It's a learning process, I think.
magichands Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Could I just be realizing what I want in a man now after having a bunch of relationships? That's it, exactly. Maybe. Don't confuse her.
loveratud Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 This thread meant a lot to me. It made me understand that my girlfriend left because of her own issues, not because of anything I did. Despite her telling me that, it helps to hear that other girls feel the same thing. That doesn't necessarily make it better, but I'm still not going to hate on you like the other guys in this thread. Thanks for posting.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I, too, am curious by your use of the word resentment. That's a bad word to me and you mentioned the felling but not the reason behind it. I wondered about her use of the word "resentment" as well. She said he treats her well, is loving, and a good man. So where does the "resentment" come from? Resentment that he doesn't look as good as when they first met? Resentment because he isn't absolutely EVERYTHING that she wants? A little confused as to why she resents a good man.
norajane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I wondered about her use of the word "resentment" as well. She said he treats her well, is loving, and a good man. So where does the "resentment" come from? Resentment that he doesn't look as good as when they first met? Resentment because he isn't absolutely EVERYTHING that she wants? A little confused as to why she resents a good man. It's possible she means that she's started getting irritated at everything and anything he does - he can't do anything right. When I've had that happen with a guy, it has meant that I've fallen out of love...but, as ddl said, that doesn't suddenly happen in a month. For me, it's been a gradual build-up of issues, and that's when I start getting irritated even at his breathing or the way he chews food.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 It's possible she means that she's started getting irritated at everything and anything he does - he can't do anything right. When I've had that happen with a guy, it has meant that I've fallen out of love...but, as ddl said, that doesn't suddenly happen in a month. For me, it's been a gradual build-up of issues, and that's when I start getting irritated even at his breathing or the way he chews food. That being the case...then it sounds as if she should let him go so he can find someone else. And also spare others and do not commit. Sounds like she cannot handle a relationship for the long term. She is never satisfied.
angelbabylk Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 You should talk to him about it, all. I did the same thing, and it helps.. Maybe he will be willing to work with you, or maybe you will both decide together that you need a break. Maybe you two should take it slow from now on.. You should talk to him about how you feel though, so he isnt left in the dark.
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 What she's looking for is a dominant male. This is just another example of how modern liberted women say the opposite of what they really want. They say they want nice and sensitive, but we all know that in the end, nice and sensitive aren't gonna cut it. A woman has to know that her man can dominate her. Women need to be controlled. That's not male chauvinism, that's sexual reality. Women feel weird around guys who can't behave like men...which is why they will eventually end up seeking out a guy who can (even if she's already married). Wow, that's great insight.
Davis Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 What she's looking for is a dominant male. This is just another example of how modern liberted women say the opposite of what they really want. They say they want nice and sensitive, but we all know that in the end, nice and sensitive aren't gonna cut it. A woman has to know that her man can dominate her. Women need to be controlled. That's not male chauvinism, that's sexual reality. Women feel weird around guys who can't behave like men...which is why they will eventually end up seeking out a guy who can (even if she's already married). Hey Amerikajin: very well put!! I'm not sure it has to do with the modern woman, I think it's just basic sexual/biological drive. "A woman has to know that her man can dominate her". Yes! That's why they are "testing" us all the time.... to see if we flounder. "Women need to be controlled". Hmmm. not to sure what to think about that one. I couldn't control my ex if I wanted to, she was determined to play and cheat.
underpants Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 You know, I had a simular experience at 25. I dated a guy for almost 3 years, and towards the end, for about a month I didn't want to be with him sexually so much. Funny, I would drive around in my car rehearsing breaking up with him. Turns out that, and of course after about a month of this he broke up with me. I was a little relieved. Then came to find out that he was kind of starting a relationship with another girl. Actually saw him on a date with her 2 days after our split. Then things became a little comically dramatic. In hindsight I guess things became a little routine, and that coupled with the whole unspoken commitment idea turned into resentment from both of us. Him turning to anger and me to withdrawl. I think had we both been mature enough and committed enough we could have worked through it to build a stronger and better relationship. Oh well, we both chose the path of least reisistance and then life deals you the same lesson over and over until you get it. I think maybe you should communicate with your fellow. It can be hard when emotions are in the mix, but if you don't try you could very well regret it. Take from my experience what you will.
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