My solution for coping with the break up (dumpee)

[Streetspirit]

Man, It's been a tough few weeks, but three weeks of no or VERY minimal contact with the ex is working it's magic. I no longer pine or think of my ex in such a romantic way now. After the emotional withdraw, I find myself looking at her in a different light. I see the facts of the good and bad times in our relationship for what they really are.

 

I have to admit, the initial shock of no contact is brutal. It was for me. When you bring someone so close to who you are, you do feel loss when they're no longer part of your life. That's normal. and yes it will suck.. for awhile.

 

Use your time wisely.. reflect on everything the relationship brought you. It's okay to analyze and feel loss, and even sorry for yourself. I used exercise to help me deal with it. exercise, and just keeping myself busy in general. The feelings do subside and you realize everything that has happened is exactly that. It's happened and it's in the past now, and no matter how much you'd like to change things, you're powerless and nothing you can do or say will bring your ex back.

 

Now, disconnecting myself from the ex was very easy for me because she started seeing someone else very shortly after the breakup. It actually helped me in the long run because now I had motivation to move on with my life. So... I've made it through a few weeks now.. and met someone new. It seems like clockwork.. word traveled that I was seeing someone else, and lo and behold, the ex comes back! I guess jealousy works its magic as well

 

Only thing is, I don't want my ex anymore.. She had her chance with me.. and took it for granted. I have my pride back but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Although the ex has had limited contact with me, I will continue no contact on my part, and just focus on living well from here on out. I think that's the best "revenge" if you have that inclination.

 

I could have her back if I wanted. I feel that No contact does work that way, but that's not the point of it. (initially yes I was going to use it as a tactic to get her back, I'm not afraid to admit it)

 

No Contact is so you can deal with your own emotions, learn to deal with the loss, learn what you can from the failed relationship, and use that experience to make your next one that much better! I hope this helps someone. Thanks everyone for all the advice and feedback from everyone in the past couple of months.. it has helped IMMENSELY!

[RichC]

I was fortunate that my gf and I broke up without any acrimony. There was too much going on in here life with two teenagers and a very bad ex husband that there was no room for a relationship. I went NC and the clouds are lifting little by little. Seems you turned a significant corner. Good luck man and drive on!!

[shockandawed]

Congrats Streetspirit.

 

Very impressive, keep us up on your progress as you move on.

 

Two thumbs up and a twist!!

[kimba]

I have to admit, the initial shock of no contact is brutal. It was for me. When you bring someone so close to who you are, you do feel loss when they're no longer part of your life. That's normal. and yes it will suck.. for awhile.

 

Streetspirit, its great to see how you have gotten through it. Just about the above quote- do you think that the dumper goes through the same thing as the dumpee- and is what you are saying above what really makes a dumper come back and want a person back? ie is missing someone enough to make the dumper change their mind?

 

I've also read on this site that a dumper will only want the dumpee back once they "see" that the dumpee has got on with their life. What if the dumper and dumpee have absolutely no contact, visually or verbally or otherwise. How does no contact work then?

[Am4Real]

I have to admit, the initial shock of no contact is brutal. It was for me. When you bring someone so close to who you are, you do feel loss when they're no longer part of your life. That's normal. and yes it will suck.. for awhile.

 

Streetspirit, its great to see how you have gotten through it. Just about the above quote- do you think that the dumper goes through the same thing as the dumpee- and is what you are saying above what really makes a dumper come back and want a person back? ie is missing someone enough to make the dumper change their mind?

 

I've also read on this site that a dumper will only want the dumpee back once they "see" that the dumpee has got on with their life. What if the dumper and dumpee have absolutely no contact, visually or verbally or otherwise. How does no contact work then?

 

[highlight]notmakingsense posted the following in one of my threads, I thought it was an excellent summary...[/highlight]

 

Without a painstaking survey, I'd venture to guess that dumpees do more contacting. This is because dumpers take time to think things through and arrive at a conclusion before actually dumping -- then are resolved by the time the action happens. It is also natural that they feel more powerful and in control.

 

Dumpees, on the other hand, have just suffered a major blow to their self-esteem -- sometimes unexpectedly -- and the natural human reaction is to go back to confront the source of pain as conquering that is perceived (at least subconsciously) to be the quickest route to relief.

 

Ironically, once dumpers start to feel out of control again -- when the dumpee starts to move on and not care -- they then start up with the contact!

[Am4Real]

What if the dumper and dumpee have absolutely no contact, visually or verbally or otherwise. How does no contact work then?

 

The second part of your question is a tough one...I was the dumper and my EX moved on and called me to tell me she was engaged. How about that? However, I beleive there was another motive because of some of the things that were said in the call reference to us and feelings she still had, regardless, I had wanted her back after being the dumper before the call and without contact she did not this. Finally we spoke but this time around she did not me...no contact had done the job for her being the dumpee and left me in misery being the dumper. I suppose Love does fade in time, I think, when there is no contact verbally, visually or through the grape vine and then finally when/if a third person enters the picture for either party.

 

My two fifths of a nickel anyway....

[westernxer]

What if the dumper and dumpee have absolutely no contact, visually or verbally or otherwise. How does no contact work then?

 

You never talk to them again.

[D-Lish]

what's two fifths of a nickel?

I'm confused.

 

The man that dumped me and broke my heart has started stalking me- and I am over him.

 

WTF?

[Art_Critic]

what's two fifths of a nickel?

 

 

2 cents ... 5 x 2/5 = 2

[kimba]

 

The man that dumped me and broke my heart has started stalking me- and I am over him.

 

WTF?

 

is this the one you were talking about before where you met up with him again for closure and then you had to get over him again.

 

How did he go from dumping to stalking??????????????????? :eek:

[Am4Real]

what's two fifths of a nickel?

I'm confused.

 

 

Hi "D",

 

In Canadian terms I would say "it's two percent of a Loonie". Smiles at ya girl...

 

Am4Real

[Streetspirit]

I have to admit, the initial shock of no contact is brutal. It was for me. When you bring someone so close to who you are, you do feel loss when they're no longer part of your life. That's normal. and yes it will suck.. for awhile.

 

Streetspirit, its great to see how you have gotten through it. Just about the above quote- do you think that the dumper goes through the same thing as the dumpee- and is what you are saying above what really makes a dumper come back and want a person back? ie is missing someone enough to make the dumper change their mind?

 

I've also read on this site that a dumper will only want the dumpee back once they "see" that the dumpee has got on with their life. What if the dumper and dumpee have absolutely no contact, visually or verbally or otherwise. How does no contact work then?

 

 

It can, at least that's how its working for me. After the breakup... I did realize that time was important, and the more I reinforced her decision for breaking up by trying to get her back, the more it fed into her ego. She didn't want no contact at all, but I was insistant on it.

Missing someone.. yes it can change their mind I think, but time is vital there. the more time passes, the more they distance themselves and the easier it is for the other to cope with the loss.

Now, with my ex wanting the no contact, she still called afterwards about once a week, and i hung up a few times, then later she made excuses to see me. During those times, I knew that I did in fact have to "Man Up", haha. I couldnt show any weakness or the emotions that really were swirling around inside my head.

Honestly, No contact at all does work.. it says a lot of things.. see, she was trying to string me along and put me on the sideline i guess, while she was making sure this new guy would work out. I realized it, and decided I would have no part in that immature crap. I'm sure the shock of me cutting her loose like that had an impact. No Contact showed her that I wouldn't be her little doormat while she decided to do whatever. It gave me time to deal with it and realize what she was doing.

 

the first couple of weeks WERE hard as hell. I'll totally admit that. When you're going through it, post on here.. you'll get the reinforcement you need. It consumed my mind. I grieved. I felt horrible, and I've never felt any loss like that before, but I'm glad I did, because that loss actually helps you in the long run. You're getting those horrible emotions out of your system.

 

Man, you really cant go wrong with it. If the ex does want anything to do with you and you cut them off, they WILL find a way back into your life by any means necessary..if they dont, it works too because it seriously helps you move on, time is your ally there. Just be strong and know that this time forces them to realize the consequences of their actions

 

So yes, no contact will work in the "dumper will only want the dumpee back once they "see" that the dumpee has got on with their life." If you want it to, even if you really haven't gotten on with your life. When the ex tries to contact you again, only show them your strong side.. the side that has moved on and doesn't feel weak and horrible about what happened. Dont bring up the relationship, and if they do, say something like "I don't feel the need to talk about something like this with you, you don't respect me or my feelings, and there are still other people out there that do". Giving them the satisfaction that the breakup has you pining over them only reinforces their decision.

 

It's manipulation.. but gah.. relationships are a "push pull" thing anyway if you look at it in the right light.

 

My major turning point i think is seeing someone else. It's a clean slate. Even though I've only been on one date, it was someone I'm very much into, so gah, I dunno, I had a great time, and it showed me that the ex isnt the only person that can make me happy. It's true.. there's no only one for you. But if there is one and it was the ex, they wouldn't be called an ex, now would they?

 

So.. I'm at a point now where my transition has got her feeling out of control... and like dlish's ex, she's becoming stalker-ish. I'm really not sure how to deal with that.. I think I'll just resume NC. Giving them any attention to feed on will probably just reinforce that behavior.

[Am4Real]

So.. I'm at a point now where my transition has got her feeling out of control... and like dlish's ex, she's becoming stalker-ish. I'm really not sure how to deal with that.. I think I'll just resume NC. Giving them any attention to feed on will probably just reinforce that behavior.

 

 

Hi Streetspirit,

 

I agree wholeheartedly with your approach and reasoning. Following some of my posts we are tracking fairly closely and aligned in our beliefs. I think at first NC (when I made the request to honor it) was broken by her within 24 hours, just to ask as she said at the time “one more question”. It was a legitimate question but since then it’s been 100% NC; I’m going into the third week and it is [highlight]HELL[/highlight]. I am determined to stay with it.

 

I’m sure like many you hold out hopes – those hopes become challenges with your internal agreements (when you are honest with yourself) – and then the NC becomes the reality of the future. In other words the attention begins to drift ever so slowly from “them” to “you”. Again in honesty I am only beginning that transition, but it is progressing nonetheless and for me that is all that is important. I have dated and do so with extreme caution. Having companionship at this point is important, but a rebound is not right for me or anyone else. So, like many I use this forum and seek the support of others. I am always grateful to many who live here in the community and have helped. A few posters have been caustic but nothing too overbearing.

 

One thing that worked for me was gaining control. You know how some advisers suggest boxing up everything that reminds you of your EX and putting them out of site, like a closet, perhaps offsite storage, whatever…that for me was an interim measure. Sending the box of “stuff” to your EX via the good ol’ postal service with a small note addressing the contents (not the relationship) gave me the control I needed. In other words I am NOT AN OPTION for you to come back to if your new relationship does not work out. Lots of time and certain events can change that for anyone, but in essence neither you nor I should plan on reconciling for convenience or ease – neither of us should be doormats. And for me to get to that stage -- I needed control – and now I have it.

 

Am4Real

[Streetspirit]

Hi Streetspirit,

 

I agree wholeheartedly with your approach and reasoning. Following some of my posts we are tracking fairly closely and aligned in our beliefs. I think at first NC (when I made the request to honor it) was broken by her within 24 hours, just to ask as she said at the time “one more question”. It was a legitimate question but since then it’s been 100% NC; I’m going into the third week and it is [highlight]HELL[/highlight]. I am determined to stay with it.

 

I’m sure like many you hold out hopes – those hopes become challenges with your internal agreements (when you are honest with yourself) – and then the NC becomes the reality of the future. In other words the attention begins to drift ever so slowly from “them” to “you”. Again in honesty I am only beginning that transition, but it is progressing nonetheless and for me that is all that is important. I have dated and do so with extreme caution. Having companionship at this point is important, but a rebound is not right for me or anyone else. So, like many I use this forum and seek the support of others. I am always grateful to many who live here in the community and have helped. A few posters have been caustic but nothing too overbearing.

 

One thing that worked for me was gaining control. You know how some advisers suggest boxing up everything that reminds you of your EX and putting them out of site, like a closet, perhaps offsite storage, whatever…that for me was an interim measure. Sending the box of “stuff” to your EX via the good ol’ postal service with a small note addressing the contents (not the relationship) gave me the control I needed. In other words I am NOT AN OPTION for you to come back to if your new relationship does not work out. Lots of time and certain events can change that for anyone, but in essence neither you nor I should plan on reconciling for convenience or ease – neither of us should be doormats. And for me to get to that stage -- I needed control – and now I have it.

 

Am4Real

 

 

Totally. I agree with you on that. It does give you that control. Before, when I actually wanted her back, more than anything, and trying.. the more effort I made actually gave them that control. Her attempts for contact in th subsequent weeks actually helped me regain it. It forces the other down the same path.. for dealing with their emotions, but with a sense of helplessness. I think that's really what changes the other person's feelings. The cliches are true. You always want what you can't have, and you don't realize what you had until it's gone.

 

I saw things with the idea of a rebound the same way. It's totally unhealthy to bring so many fresh emotions into a new relationship.

[kimba]

It can, at least that's how its working for me. After the breakup... I did realize that time was important, and the more I reinforced her decision for breaking up by trying to get her back, the more it fed into her ego. .

 

my "break up" is with my best friend, male, platonic. But it feels like a break up with my boyfriend because of how much we were intertwined in each others lives.

I think i fed his ego , because i begged and pleaded, cried, left messages, sent a letter- all the things i should not have done, and regret now. And he finally said "the friendship is over" and i have made no more contact. Its a killer. This is the fifth day since the final conversation. He said he misses me. Should i hold out any hope that this will intensify now that i am strictly NC? - enough to make him change his mind? I know that he expects me to keep trying. I just know it.

 

the first couple of weeks WERE hard as hell. I'll totally admit that. When you're going through it, post on here.. you'll get the reinforcement you need. It consumed my mind. I grieved. I felt horrible, and I've never felt any loss like that before, but I'm glad I did, because that loss actually helps you in the long run. You're getting those horrible emotions out of your system..

I honestly think if it wasn't for you good people at loveshack I would have called him by now.So i owe you all the thanks in the world. When i wake up in the morning, it comes rushing back what has happened and i simply can't believe it. It is actual physical discomfort in my chest. I have lost my appetite and its quite an effort to eat. I needed to lose weight anyway...

 

 

So yes, no contact will work in the "dumper will only want the dumpee back once they "see" that the dumpee has got on with their life." ......Giving them the satisfaction that the breakup has you pining over them only reinforces their decision.

 

after he said it was over , i stupidly later left a message saying i was happy with his decision and i can now move on. How dumb was that? So even if he changed his mind he might hesitate to call because i said that wouldn't he??

[Am4Real]

after he said it was over , i stupidly later left a message saying i was happy with his decision and i can now move on. How dumb was that? So even if he changed his mind he might hesitate to call because i said that wouldn't he??

 

Kimba,

 

Perhaps your break up may be different that what I am about to describe here because it was your "best friend" but maybe not. My supposition is that for most of us the break up we are here seeking support on may not be our first, it's not for me. Which brings me to my question (rhetorically speaking): have you ever had a lost love, perhaps being the dumpee or maybe even the dumper that at the time of the breakup seemed so devastating, so bad, but as the months go by and turn to years, one day it hits you and you look back in relief that you did not end up with that person permanently? I have; however at the time of being apart I would have never believed it.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is that given time, maybe lots of it, maybe not, will someone else pop into our lives that may change "everything". I believe so...I want to believe it...it's happened to me before...it has to happen again. Please let the next one be the last one...that would be my wish and my prayer.

 

Am4Real

[kimba]

i know what you are saying. I've had break ups before where the guy was a dickhead but i've still been upset and later looked back and thought "thankgod he's gone"

but in this case he was my best friend (platonic) and i wanted to stay friends with him. And none of it was his fault. So i've gone from best friend to non friend- nothing nada- its like he's died, dissapeared off the face of the earth. the pain is physical. Its actually the most unbearable loss i've suffered other than ofcourse the death of my father in april.

[Am4Real]

i know what you are saying. I've had break ups before where the guy was a dickhead but i've still been upset and later looked back and thought "thankgod he's gone"

but in this case he was my best friend (platonic) and i wanted to stay friends with him. And none of it was his fault. So i've gone from best friend to non friend- nothing nada- its like he's died, dissapeared off the face of the earth. the pain is physical. Its actually the most unbearable loss i've suffered other than ofcourse the death of my father in april.

 

Good morning Kimba,

 

I have never lost a friend in that way, perhaps grown apart or lost contact over time as life and events change but never willingly “broken apart”; I’m not sure how that would affect me but I can tell for you it is agonizing and for that I am utterly understanding. {{{hugs}}}

 

I’m in the rationalization period of this coping phase, flipping back and forth between logic and emotion and the sub feeling of each. Today marks the first day of the third week of NC and as hard as it is, the problem for me is that I know I will be successful at it and that brings an agony for me in that intentionally losing the acquaintance of a human being is an unnatural event. Yes, we all know NC is a necessary part of the recovery, healing, coping phase, but for me intentionally terminating contact is not instinctive and therefore feels like a “planned death”.

 

Weeks will pass slowly, months slightly faster and perhaps years will add numbness, however, time is precious and its not something I would or want to give away even to relieve this feeling of loss. So together, Kimba, perhaps we can lean on each other a little and try to get through this with our soul, mind, heart and conscious intact.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts…

 

Am4Real

[kimba]

[quote=Am4Real;1068920

Today marks the first day of the third week of NC and as hard as it is, the problem for me is that I know I will be successful at it and that brings an agony for me in that intentionally losing the acquaintance of a human being is an unnatural event. Yes, we all know NC is a necessary part of the recovery, healing, coping phase, but for me intentionally terminating contact is not instinctive and therefore feels like a “planned death”.

 

dear am4real

thankyou for your sincere and meaningful thoughts.

You are the dumper, and are going through this? In the post where you talk about this its not real clear what happened. How did it turn around to make you suffer and not the dumpee???

 

It makes it worse for me when i imagine that he is not suffering like I am. I keep thinking surely he will miss me enough soon? He already told me he missed me at the last call.

I wish i was at 3 weeks like you, I can see that I will get there. I am at DAY SIX.....!

"A planned death" - thats exactly what it feels like. I have never ever had a friendship terminate like this. Its very very unnatural. In fact I'm one of those that keeps their friennd forever. My oldest friend is one I've known for 20 years so thats 75% of my life.

When i wake up i get a horrible horrible feeling in my body, when on earth is that going to end?

I feel that he judged me on my behaviour that followed in the months since dad died in april, and that is bugging me. I feel like writing him a letter (another letter) just to get it off my mind because it keeps me awake at midnight. I just feel he judged the siuation unfairly. The bottom line is this whole thing just feels wrong. Maybe i just have to write it to get it off my chest. And if he's not going to change his mind anyway then I may as well send it....This means breaking NC.

[Am4Real]

dear am4real

thankyou for your sincere and meaningful thoughts.

You are the dumper, and are going through this? In the post where you talk about this its not real clear what happened. How did it turn around to make you suffer and not the dumpee???

 

 

Hey Kimba,

 

In my situation I called an unoffical break so I guess I was the dumper, but it turned around to me being the dumpee (twice). My original post is at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110077/ (warning: get a coffee or tea to accompany your reading, it's lengthy, ha-ha); there's also a great analyisis of the situaiton by RIOBIKINI.

 

Am4Real

[kimba]

I"ll read it.

I'm about to break no contact- I've written him a letter and am about to send it. Its just the thoughts have been keeping me awake at night and i thought its better just to tell him what they are - so i can really go NC- and recover from this. I'll never get him back as a friend. NC is about getting yourself back on track. If he wanted to be friends again- he would regardless of whether i am NC or not.

[Am4Real]

If he wanted to be friends again- he would regardless of whether i am NC or not.

 

Hi Kimba,

 

Can I ask: did something very serious happen or did you drift apart somehow? I'm trying to understand as I have never lost a friend under this type of duress.

 

Am4Real

[kimba]

am4 real , this is the link to my story

 

www.loveshack.org/forums/t110562/?highlight=tossed+aside

 

if that doesn't work, the story is called "tossed aside" under the friendship forum

about to break NC now!

[Am4Real]

am4 real , this is the link to my story

 

www.loveshack.org/forums/t110562/?highlight=tossed+aside

 

if that doesn't work, the story is called "tossed aside" under the friendship forum

about to break NC now!

 

Good morning Kimba,

 

How are you this morning?

 

I read your original post and gathered from the points a falling out over an event this Christmas along with a possible hint of other underlying issues. What I mean is, I didn’t really read anything that had me understand why your friend would be so mad with you to simply walk away from such a deep platonic relationship, unless of course there have been other things building for sometime that came to a head (maybe only in his head) with this last event.

 

Is that possible? Is or are there things you can put your finger on that might be the nucleus of all this? I’m not trying to over simplify or downplay the seriousness of your loss, however I am only really experienced in the loss of a lover or love relationship and what makes a love relationship break up so confusing are the issues, the underlying problem, mixed in with intimacy or intimate feelings or an intimate past. [highlight]So when one deals with a breakdown in this type of relationship (lover or love interest) there is much intertwining of the cause with the feeling and the physical pleasures.[/highlight].

 

When I think of my friends and any challenges I have had in keeping them as friends, I could trace it down to a misunderstanding that needed clarification and, if a friend was developing habitual issues whether it be a serious annoyance or something significant, we simply drifted apart with diminished contact over time.

 

Your situation is none like my experiences which has me wonder if there is something else going on or has gone on in which your friend may think it has been brought up and is not being addressed. Any ideas on this?

 

Am4Real

[kimba]

thanks for reading my post am4real *hug* i am still trying to work out what went wrong. he just sort of snapped. We have had a lot of things happen and there were some jealousy issues over the years there as well . But he was still my best friend.

 

In the last 4 or 5 months I got really possessive and paranoid i was going to lose him to other friends ( i know it makes no sense). So there were a few performances of that nature. I have pinned that down to this fear I developed shortly after dad died in april that i was going to lose other people- whether through a falling out or whatever - I just developed a fear of loss.

 

So when I look at my recent behaviour - which has been irrational, possessive and obsessive - (enough to drive anyone away- and he's a patient person) its no wonder it all came to a head and he wants no more contact.

 

Its been niggling away at me though, and so i wrote a letter to him yesterday saying that i feel he has judged my behaviour during my grieving and based his decision on that. I just explained what was going on with me- why i have been so possessive (when he told me he wasn't sure if we would be friends i left hysterical messages on his machine (this is about 5 weeks ago)- i was so devastated that i could lose someone else- thats all i was thinking at the time - i'm losing someone else!!

 

I've never left hysterical messages on anyones machine before. I can't believe i did. This helped drive him away no doubt.

 

So he will get the letter today but I doubt it will make a grain of difference. I just tried to explain my behaviour and why i was like that and that I think he misjudged me.

 

The other thing i suspect is that a close friend of mine has had a word in his ear saying how unhealthy our closeness is- and that that might have pushed him over the edge (she has just been dead jealous of our friendship the whole time-because she can't get on with men- never has any male friends-- but i can only see that now) Its just a gut feeling I have.

 

But yeah there has to be something else- or maybe not - maybe it was just me.