Adacus Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Hey folks- Its been about 6 months since I posted here - I guess a follow up is in order with some updates... Just about a year ago (late Jan 06), I moved out of the apartment I shared with my wife. Things between us had been rocky during 05 and 06, and I decided to leave - which was more about my wanting to hibernate than leave her (not sure if that makes sense, but is how I felt). Anyway, we've been in counseling for the last year on and off, in desperate measures to save our marriage. There are times it seems possible, and times it seems "what's the point?" The fact is that we both love each other dearly (I've never had such an emotional bond with anyone in my life), but we have issues that we have a hard time sorting out (I'm a bit of a workaholic, she's can be emotionally unavailable). Our sex life also factored in - over the last 4 years, our sex life has slowly dissolved - where sex only happened once every 3-4 months. This was mostly on me, as I was finding it hard to be physically attracted to her. She's also been wanting children for the past few years while her clock has been getting louder (she's 36), and I've been wrestling with it because I know our marriage is in a bad spot (coming from a broken home, I believe having kids needs to happen in a healthy relationship). At the advice of our therapist, we've been dating each other again - which we have been doing weekly for the last couple of months. Its been a tough road. We enjoy each other's company well enough, but there's a lot of baggage to tug along with us. The physical connection is also still missing. Not sure if that's a true feeling or just abated by all the stuff that exists between us at the moment. Anyway, this week the stakes were raised as I was offered an employment opportunity out of state. Its very much a dream job for me, but means leaving everything I know far behind. I mentioned the position to my wife, who chimed in that the job sounded perfect for me. While it might have seemed unreasonable, I then asked her if she would consider relocating with me. Of course, she said "no." I knew this would be her answer, but I also know I would have regretted not asking. So now my quandary is this: do I take this position and move on? It is very much a dream opportunity for me, but I also can't help but feel I would be making one of the biggest mistakes in my life - leaving my wife yet again. I know there's no right answers to any of this. We just hope that we take the path of lesser regrets. Any thoughts would be appreciated...
MoonGirl Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Adacus, As you already know, only you can make this decision. If you really do love your wife, you will do what is best for her. If you feel that you cannot commit and will not have children, then maybe you should let her go. It sounds like you are a major workaholic. Just be sure you don't have any regrets in life. When you're on your deathbed are you going to say, "I wish I had worked a bit harder at my job" or are you going to say, "I wish I had worked at loving my wife and making us happy." I'm not judging you in any way because, obviously, you need to do what is best for you and your wife. Just make sure you have no regrets.
Author Adacus Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Hi MoonGirl- Thanks for your thoughts. I guess I do fit the workaholic definition. You're right - while my career is extremely important to me, I don't want to be in my 60s and realize that I let go of something so dear and valuable. My family life when I was young was extremely tough - in which it put me at a great distance from what makes a great family. Last night my wife and I had couples counseling and my wife asked me that if we got back together, "How was I going to make things different?" I answered that I would put more focus on us, on her and on the things that were important to her. I told her I would try to put my anxieties about children aside and embrace how they add to a family. Her reply was that all my answers sounded good but that I didnt seem very sincere or authentic about it. Unfortunately, she's right. I mean, it wasn't lip service just for the sake of what she wanted to hear - I actually meant what I said. But it didnt come off as authentic because they dont generate from within me - as there's no genuine desire there. The analogy I used is someone asking you to desire a good steak, when you've never had one to begin with. You know it supposed to taste really great, and you say you want it, but anyone asking is going say "you're asking for one, but I dont think you genuinely desire one." Again, I think its because I dont have a good sense of how a family works and what that love is all about. And I guess that's why I became a workaholic - as I matured, its the only thing that gave back to me (which makes further sense, only having had 2 serious relationships in my life). I tried explaining this to her, and while she understood, it didn't make things any better. As you said, its my choice - and I'm still not sure what the right answer is. My wife is very hurt by the whole ordeal (I dont blame her either) and we're both wondering if there's been too much damage to our relationship to step beyond where we are. She expressed last night that while she has a good time with me when we date, she's not feeling very hopeful, or even attracted to me (I admitted to the same). She even expressed last night that she thinks my taking this position may help in the long run because it will give us a definitive separation and if we come back together then thats will the card will fall. Obviously we both feel there's a chance if we're doing counseling, but the outlook never gets too close to the positive side of things. Thanks again - doesn't give me a better stance on the decision making, but just talking it out helps.
CrossRhodes Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Adacus, Oh. My. God. Your situation is so close to mine, it's spooky! I'm 40, my wife is 42. Kids are out of the question for us now, but it was a huge source of pain in our relationship for ages. Here's my advice to you. I probably shouldn't even be giving advice but I think it will give you something to mull over. It sounds like you might be dealing with depression. I could be wrong, but you mentioned "hibernation" and that's a word I use for myself and my own life at certain times. Also, I'm leaning this way because of our similarities, the eerie similarities of our predicaments and the obvious difficulties we seem to have in reaching a decision. I think you might find that your default position will be to stay with your wife. You'll think that you are making no decision (because decision-making is so difficult when you are depressed), but of course staying is actually a decision. And you won't be able to make the decision to have children, because you don't really want them. And that's essentially a decision too - a decision that impacts your wife. If you do somehow get talked into children, you will probably feel trapped and resentful in time. I don't know how good this job opportunity is, but it does certainly present a useful opportunity for your personal development anyway. I think it's always a danger-signal when we hold onto something for dear life. I think that's what is happening here with your marriage. You don't know what a good relationship looks like, so you fear throwing away something that might be precious. You fear never finding as good an emotional connection ever again. That's my world too. My wife and I are great friends, and she is a tremendous support. But I don't have that ardent love I had in my first relationship, nor in my emotional affair (by the way: I'm guessing you are quite vulnerable right now to an EA - don't open that door, it's very very painful). I'm guessing that your wife pursued you at the start of the relationship? That you ended up with her because it was comfortable and you hoped the other stuff would follow in time, because you loved her? My advice is to let go. Stop holding tenaciously to your wife. Take the job, move out for a while, see what happens. There are many paths in this life. Free yourself, and free your wife to be happy too. You may well end up together down the track - at least you will get to choose each other then out of free will. I think being apart would do a lot of good for you. It will give you some clarity on what you are really feeling. I think it's not your only challenge though. The real story here is depression (if I am right in my diagnosis). It sounds like you are hiding away in your work, and that would naturally create a massive imbalance in your life. If you've ever read any Stephen Covey stuff, you probably know about work-life balance and how we need to balance out our social, spiritual, developmental needs and so on. If I'm right, I would be making two decisions. One to pursue the job, and one to seek treatment/counselling. If you don't, you might find yourself mired in a midlife crisis in 4-5 years. Concentrate on being fulfilled as a single person, being comfortable in your own skin. If you do that, you will be in a much better position to enjoy a relationship, whether it's with your wife or someone else. I think you'll also find that you'll attract someone healthy that way too. As I say, I could be entirely wrong about the depression. It's funny you know, I've only had 2 serious relationships too. I'm now separated from my wife, contemplating a shift overseas for work in 12 months. I have 2 regrets - not seeking treatment for depression much earlier, and not freeing my wife up so that she could have a chance at starting a family. I hope that something I've written is helpful in getting to a decision.
MoonGirl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Adacus, CrossRhodes has given you very good advice. Taking the new job will certainly give you the time you need to think about things and move on if that's what you both want.
Author Adacus Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Hi CrossRhodes/MoonGirl- It is odd, isn't it, CR? And I'm also the same age as yourself. What you say makes a lot of sense - and dead on target (though I did the pursuing at the beginning of our relationship, but she's the more aggressive of us). And you're right. I was diagnosed with low-level depression a few years ago. Recently my psychiatrist upp'ed the dosage of my current medication and it does help. Unfortunately, I sometimes lapse (bad habit of forgetting to take) and then I get very emotional and stuck in what to do. I'm leaning towards taking the position and seeing what happens. And you're doubly right about keeping my wife in a holding pattern. The last thing I want to do is to get in the way of her having a family before it gets any later for her (she's already resenting me a bit for getting this far into the marriage without kids). Thanks to you both for the invaluable advice. Its amazing how some of the best help can be at the asking.
CrossRhodes Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Adacus, Spooky? YES! It's like we were separated at birth. I was half-expecting you to come back and say "thanks, but you were way off". And now I've read some of your other posts e.g. no sex on the honeymoon. Guess what? That happened to me too. My wife was sexually abused when she was young, so I have always tried to be gentle and understanding with her. Maybe I went overboard. The funny thing is, I like sex. But I don't understand why my wife doesn't excite me (in contrast, my EA girlfriend really excited me - the sexual tension was just incredible). Anyway, I'm pretty sure that the advice that MoonGirl and I are proferring is palatable to you because it's basically what you have already "decided" in your mind without actually carrying it out. It's the way you are strongly leaning, yes? I think there are no good and bad decisions for folk like you and me. I think it's the refusal to make decisions that keeps us in the unhappy place we live. We just need to make decisions we can live with, and then commit to them. Lack of commitment ... ever heard that from your wife? We need to learn how to commit to our decisions. It's times like this I think of people who give up work to start their own business. It's the scariest thing in the world, but it starts with a leap of faith. I think you and I need to make that leap of faith. Our regrets will always be that we chose not to act.
Recommended Posts