Babybird Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Addicted: I absolutely believe theres a reason you're together. What that is is hard to say. Could be closure! Who knows but I'm sure it'll come out eventually. I'm a die hard romantic so I would say that the two of you are meant for something special. HK: Even without encouraging A's you make absolute sense on why it is so hard for people to remain monogamous. Okay so at first it would make sense in regards to survival and procreation. So what kind of explanation can we dig up for people, women in particular, that cheat when they aren't able to bear children any more? The addiction to all the feel good hormones? Second: have they been able to show the chemical differences in the body when comparing romantic love and say parent/child love?
hardknocks Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 OMG. My MM has this smell that makes me want to rip off all his clothes. It's completely by accident too. He doesn't wear colones or anything. Maybe it's his wife laundry detergent! hehe more like pheromones! what the scientists say is we have a love template (or template for who we should mate with). it has to do with natural selection. supposedly we are attracted to the smell of people that have immune systems that are dissimilar to ours! having children between two people with dissimilar imune systems increases the odds that at least one of the parents will live long enough for the child to mature and also produces babies with the best of both parents. scent plays a huge role in how we choose our partners. one article i read a while back was about research corrolating the stoppage of use of birth control pills and divorce. when the woman stops taking the pill her chemistry changes which effects how she smells her mate and how her mate smells her! it is very common in interviews with divorced couples that one or the other will say 'i just couldn't stand the way they smelled anymore'
hardknocks Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 HK: Even without encouraging A's you make absolute sense on why it is so hard for people to remain monogamous. It's is also the reason why some people can stay monogamous! These natural chemical releases also contribute to women being good mothers and nurturing their babies. heck.. if Love didn't feel so damn good at the start.. who in their right mind would want to do it!!! Okay so at first it would make sense in regards to survival and procreation. So what kind of explanation can we dig up for people, women in particular, that cheat when they aren't able to bear children any more? The addiction to all the feel good hormones? I haven't seen any specific articles regarding this. Sorry. But I have a feeling that it probaly doesn't matter. But maybe a search for infidelity rates of women that have passed menopause would be interesting to find. Second: have they been able to show the chemical differences in the body when comparing romantic love and say parent/child love? Yep. They even have determined different phases of love and chemical release. Here is a quick article from .. http://people.howstuffworks.com/love7.htm there are a lot of links at the end of that article if you are interested in doing more reading. but to take it back to the subject of affairs .. and why we get 'Stuck'.. the point is that it is a bio-psycho-social problem that has many layers that need to be understood. understanding them may help you break yourself free of of things that may be holding you back. for some it may just be simply the thrill of the chase.. but i think that is rare, and more likely the people that are here are suffering (like me) from a system of issues. maybe.. if we all knew more we could help ourselves better or if we knew more we could find the 'right' help for ourselves.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 babybird wrote: "What about the love portion? OW seems to fall completely, hopelessly, soul mate, in love with the MM. The feeling seems to be so much more intense than in a regular relationship" I think I have an explaination for this...we all say that the MM is THE love of our lives. That completely, hopless soul mate love. Perhaps this is because we were real and honest and just totally ourselves with MM from day one? No matter how confident any of us are today, we all went through the period years ago while dating of "trying to be perfect so he'll like me" phase. In other "dating situations" we kept up certain guards until we felt it was safe to let them down...over time...one by one and sometimes after all of that the guy didnt like us or things just didnt work out. (That leaves a bit of scar) I can remember dating way back when, and putting a bit of censor on what I would even talk about and how...for example if I was on a date with a guy who didnt go to college, I was on guard to not talk too much about my college experience, major, degree etc., so that I wouldnt make him feel akward or inferior. So, thinking back on it those situations were doomed from the start. With the MM everything is out in the open and brutally honest from day one...no guards up on information because your not looking at this person as a potential mate/SO. I think this is why the relationships with MM get so "serious" and intense so fast. I think with MM the relationships grow at a rate of 3-1 compared to dating a single person. Meaning in 3 months with a MM youre in the same place you might be in 9 months of dating a single guy (emotionally). With MM everything is out in the open....no games, no guard up, just totally being yourself. Just being able to totally be yourself and open about everything, and not judged by it is wonderful. MM isnt judging, he's listening and getting to know you. Before you know it, WHAM youre in love, and its so intense because this person just simply loves you for you with all of your cards on the table. Many people dont even get this from family members. I think the MM passes fewer judgements on you than anyone else in your life and that in itself is intoxicating. (Disclaimer: Im referring to the real relationships....Im of course not talking about the MM who is on the singles dating site and screwing around with a few women...... ) Just curious, what about when MM isn't up front with you? Some of us were lied to...
puddleofmud Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Would the "thrill of the chase" be about a "challenge" or what is completely off limits, inappropriate and unobtainable? I think the challenge is what makes all relationships sucessful--that each partner is willing to be challenged on a daily basis--to accept that their partner is a completely different individual and to love, honor and respect this. Other wise most couples would be quite bored or just in love with a mirror of themselves. The latter may be an entirely different thing...
PoshPrincess Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I have been thinking.... Do you think that because we are OWs "waiting" for our MM to get his act together and make a committment to us is in fact having the opposite affect??? What about wanting what you can't have? Is this what makes our love stronger for MM? Is it because we can't have him that makes us want him more??? Is it because we are always there and MM knows it that he takes things for granted? Just wondering what you guys think of this theory. It seems like the less attention I give MM, the more I get. Funny but I was thinking about this the other day. I now have a new BF but I still have that fear in the back of my mind (as deep down I still love ex-MM) that he will turn up in 6 months time when I finally feel I've got my life back on track and tell me that he wants to be with me. I know I am worrying about something that isn't v likely to happen but it's one of those scenarios you get in your head sometimes! What I was wondering is that if I did decide to be with him, rather than BF, would I then realise that he wasn't what I wanted after all and that I only thought I wanted him because I coudn't have him? I thought (and still think) that he was the one but, like you say, is it just the thrill of the chase. I have to say I didn't think I found our R exciting in the sense of it being illicit, but maybe subconsciously I did. At the time I was miserable that we had to meet in secret, couldn't speal at specific times, etc, you know, all the usual cloak and dagger stuff. I didn't want it to be secret; I didn't want to betray anyone. Who knows though?
PoshPrincess Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 [Just wondering what you guys think of this theory. It seems like the less attention I give MM, the more I get. Oh yes, and I agree with that too! Everytime I tried to end things wit ex-MM and played it cool, etc, he wouldn't leave me alone. It seems like they enjoy the thrill of the chase even if we don't!
Salicious Crumb Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I have been thinking.... Do you think that because we are OWs "waiting" for our MM to get his act together and make a committment to us is in fact having the opposite affect??? You are wanting a MARRIED MAN to make a COMMITTMENT to YOU? Do I really have to ask what the hell you are thinking? What about wanting what you can't have? Is this what makes our love stronger for MM? Is it because we can't have him that makes us want him more??? Is it because we are always there and MM knows it that he takes things for granted? BINGO...you are just part-time booty for him and you allow that. Just wondering what you guys think of this theory. It seems like the less attention I give MM, the more I get. I hope someday you get married and some other woman beds down your husband....then we'll see how you feel about it.
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