Author guin_girl Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 i totally agree with PG Sorry but both you and PG are wrong... we did have a verbal agreement... sorry I didn't have it notarized in writing... however, IF we didn't... where does that give you all the right to be a jerk... man up and break it off... there is no excuse for being a coward.
Arianna72 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Agreed guin... as far as I know we don't need to get a contract signed by a notary to deserve an explanation. There is no excuse for acting like a jerk.
Pyro Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 i totally agree with PG Well I would hope so.......
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 In a fair world, you'd have gotten an explanation- but the world isn't fair. I suspect that after dealing with his divorce mediation that he couldn't handle dealing with another break up... I truly think it's a space thing. You're doing the right thing by not contacting him. I suspect that you will hear from him again. Writing a letter is very cathartic. i wrote several to my ex... many of which I didn't send- it was just for me, and it helped. Posting here helped too. Yep, it's cowardly not to face up to someone you've spent time with. I now try to make it a point to be honest with someone about how I feel. Hang in there- it's rough at first, but it keeps getting easier with each passing day. D
alphamale Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 however, IF we didn't... where does that give you all the right to be a jerk... man up and break it off... there is no excuse for being a coward. well some men don't care about "closure"....whereas many women are totally preoccupied with it. In relationships with women I tend to worry about my own needs and how its an advantage to me. As long as she is an asset then that's fine, but once she becomes a liability then I want out and I really don't care how.
Author guin_girl Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 I truly think it's a space thing. You're doing the right thing by not contacting him. I suspect that you will hear from him again D Thanks D... I'm trying and I am keeping positive about myself and busy... Even if I don't hear from him... we have upcoming events this month that we will be attending with the same group of friends, so hopefully I will be strong enough by then to handle it. Thanks for your continued support D.
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Oh man, I hate the inevitable meetings. I try to avoid them! I'm in the position where my ex's female friends still want to hang out with me and still shop at my store... I love the girls, but dread the meetings because I don't want to be reminded of him, nor do I want to hear how "well" he's doing, or if he's seeing anyone. Keeping busy really works to keep your mind off things. Unfortunately, I find that when I'm really sad that I have trouble getting motivated to get busy! It's a one day at a time thing. I used to count the days of NC... but I have lost track now. I still have relapses every now and then- but it's better now. If you have to run into him, have you thought about how you'll act towards him? I'd play it friendly, but aloof. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he affects you. He should have given you an explanation- I don't care whether or not you defined yourself as bf/gf or not... you still had a connection with one another, and more than a few "dates"...so, he should have been man enough to give you an explanation. Hang in, maybe go to the bookstore and browse some books on the subject of dating someone after a divorce...? I read so many self help books after my ex broke up with me- some good ones, and some bad ones. D
Guest Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 this is, by far, the hardest thing i have ever had to endure in my entire life - rewarding, yes, and enriching, yes - and would i change anything - no. but, when its just you that goes thru this - its ok. when it starts to impact on family and friends and work - its hard not to feel that impact. all i know is that, in my heart, i have done and shown the woman i love, the kind of love i have for her but stopped showing her. i wonder if they understand how it must feel to be on the other side - i would love to trade places for one day with her and let her feel it from inside my mind and soul. i think i have being doing that for her - developing an understanding and way of listening that has enhanced the already unworldly connection. all i know is that even if i never saw her again - that she finally let down her gaurd and let me into a place where i don't think anyone else has been. for that i am grateful and that's all i need. i want all of her of course - but i am no longer suffering because of not being able to get to know who she really is - that was my biggest fault - neglecting what attracted me to her in the first place. and as for playing games with her heart - i know i did but it was not intentional and that will never happen again. i now know how to treat the ONE you love. thanks babe goood nite all
Author guin_girl Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Yea I agree, but I can't let these inevitable meetings stop me from spending time with my friends or going out... So I will be friendly, like I would be with any of my friends. (Most of my exes I am friendly with when I see them, just the cheaters I don't acknowledge.) I will have friends there for support and I'm there for the sporting events, not for social time... so that will make it easier I think being I can concentrate on the game instead of him. I don't hate him, I just don't like the disappearance, especially since in the beginning I had asked him to not just disappear and to let me know when he's done... he said he wouldn't do that... especially since how she left him. I did get the book "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce" which gave a lot of insight. But that was the only one I could find that fit the situation I am/was in. Do you have any others that you know of what would be good for me? Also, he also read one of my other books I had "Letting Go" in just a couple of days... I was actually surprised he did so. When I asked him what he thought, he laughed and said he would let me know if it worked... Fortunately for me, I'm forced to be busy, I'm taking online classes and also am a volunteer with an animal coalition and the monthly newsletter editor... lots of deadlines keep me occupied. And over the past week, a previous disappearer has reappeared completely out of the blue. At least he helps me keep occupied as well. Thanks D, you always have such good advice.
Porn_Guy Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 And over the past week, a previous disappearer has reappeared completely out of the blue. At least he helps me keep occupied as well. could you please elaborate G_G?
Guest - L Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 GG, there must be an epidemic because I am going through a very similar situation. Although, slightly different. I am the girl going through the divorce and he is/was my brother's friend. He came on strong non stop calling and date setting up, sex, etc. then it was like it just slowly started to get less and less but quickly. Now, it is all excuses. I'm too busy, I have a lot going on in my life right now, I am tired, blah blah.... But, as all men he is confusing we have great emails and laugh and have a lot of mutual friends... so the aloofness is bizarre... Anyway, so I kept it casual and cut him slack letting my mind believe and convince myself that his excuses were real and that I was overreacting. But, really I was frustrated with his sudden lack of attention to us. But, then I was getting on a plane the other day and bought this book, "He is just not that into you" ummm buy this book you will first laugh very hard and two after chapter one will be like holy crap this book is right. A guy is simple... if he doesn't call, he is just not that into you. Men want to really be in relationships and have security they just dont want to with a girl they are not that into. If a guy is into you he will not refuse sex. Also, what I learned is that men would rather cut off their arm then tell you that they are not into you. seriously read the book you will laugh and be empowered that you deserve what your instincts are telling you someone who does not ignore you. And when you read all the posts in the book from women you will begin to see how we justify what they do when really we know we deserve better. It stinks I know I am in this boat right now. Will not contact this guy.. because his actions are saying loud and clear "I am just not that into you" and until he wants to make an effort to make me feel otherwise there is no use for him in your world. L
Author guin_girl Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Well today is officially one week of absolutely no contact and 11 days since I have spoken to him... Not really celebrating, but I am feeling stronger...
Arianna72 Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Grr... Glad to hear you are feeling a bit stronger... you have done great in not calling him.
Author guin_girl Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Thanks... I even rewarded myself and bought myself a new TV... heheheh and NO I won't take it back if I cave... but I'm not going to cave... I've made it this far and I know I'm worth it, so if he doesn't come around, it's his loss, not mine...
kanga Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 simply put, he's just another guy acting as a pig. He's using you for what he wants and that is all. Yes, it's cruel and unfair. Yes, it's mean. But that doesnt' matter to him. You can ask him to give you an explanation and all you'll get is some wishy, washy, half-heated answer that really makes no logical sense. It's not supposed to. It hurts, but it's true. Move on. Let your relationaship with him go. Nothing good will come of it. Move on and be happy with someone who love you as much as you love him.
Author guin_girl Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Kanga, Thank you for your take and I am moving on. But I don't agree with your assessment of "using me". Previous threads discuss the divorce that he's going through. He waited later in life to get married to find the right person and not go through this experience. She walked out on him and left him completely at a loss. So his disappearance act isn't so much him being the "normal male pig", but of a man grieving. My issue at hand is that he just disappeared after the mediation. And I know it's not me, he was completely freaked out the night before that it was "surreal" to him now and he wasn't sure how he was going to get through it. We have mutual friends, that's how we met, people thought we would be a great match. This is not "normal" behavior for him, but as I've read on this forum, there is nothing "normal" about the process of divorce. I'm just on this forum opening up my thoughts so that I don't call him and let him have the time he needs to move through his grief and keep myself sane. I wasn't "in love" with him, I held back because I didn't want to get hurt, but I miss my friend... we had a great time together and maybe we will again in the future.
Author guin_girl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 day 13... and this sucks because we had made plans with other couples to attend a super bowl party together... this time I didn't even get an email telling me that plans were canceled... I hope they all "annoy" him asking about me... they liked me better than his ex (I know that doesn't matter, but made me feel good) and thought I was good for him. Then again, if he's in the depression that I think he might be, he will be a hermit and stay away from the festivities... I've thought of calling him, I want to make sure he's ok; but I know it's just an excuse in my head... I miss him.... Thank goodness for my friends who will be my support system tonight.
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