chuckie Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 My ex and I broke up around eight months ago. She was my first and only girl I have ever had sexual relations and a relationship with. I met her when I was twenty-one. She dumped me by text message after eleven months of going out then refused all contact with me whatsoever. Ever since then I have not experienced a single day without thinking about her plenty. Her face haunts my dreams most nights, especially of late. Leaving me waking up in tears and lighting-up yet another cigarette to calm myself down diverting my thoughts elsewhere. I either lose sleep or sleep way too much. At first, I could not eat properly. I dropped almost a stone in body weight. Now it seems I cannot stop eating. Comfort eating, smoking and drinking are my main hobbies. I have tried so hard to change this. Feeling emotionally in secure, I tend to cry over small things that never before upset me. With no job and career prospects I have no money to try different things and visit places that appeal to me. I am left at home grieving over pain that I still do not fully understand, wishing that I acted differently towards her after our separation. Within the past month or so, she started approaching me again. She asks how I am doing or insists upon a hug. These actions raise my hopes making me feel even worse. Is she playing mind games with me? Should I become friends with her again? Suicidal thoughts come and go but my main concern is the fact I have been questioning my sexuality within the past week. Is this normal? I do not think about other guys in that way. Maybe I am trying to prove to myself I am straight or maybe I am afraid to once again be emotionally attracted to another girl. My friends say go with the flow however the flow is getting me nowhere. Recently I have attempted to recreate the life I had before I ever met her. Wearing the same kind of clothing, hanging out with the same people and re-taking up some old hobbies. As a result I dropped out of college to join a pool team. Every action I do does not make the numbness go away. It is our happy memories together that hurt me the most. I am unable to fully describe the pain in words. Will I ever get over her? Believe me, I want to! I want to get well really soon. Be happy and at ease with myself etc. Please don’t mention “no contacts,” we hang out round the same social circles and it’s her coming up to me. I just keep things civil. I’m not losing my friends over her! I want these strange feelings to go away whenever I’m forced to see her. Thank you for reading...
shockandawed Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Hey Chuckie, You have a lot going on there. First loves are tough, I remember very well when I broke up with mine. And it really sucks the way she did it to you. Very cold. With that said, it appears she has kicked you into the gutter and you are content to let her keep you there. You paint a very sorry image of yourself. A depressed college dropout,unemployed, sitting alone in the dark chain smoking. Not trying to be harsh, but how can you be attractive like this? I am going through the biggest heartache of my life at 42, I am confused and questioning everything, except my sexuality. I have heard people say they experiemented with an alternative lifestyle after a particularly hard breakup. I think that must already be there in some form because I can't imagine ever questioning that. I may spend the rest of my life alone, but I could never play for the other team. Quit college to play pool????You are letting this chick destroy you. Like I said, I understand wholeheartedly the pain you deal with and how it can seriously effect your thinking. But you are going to riun your life over this girl, she is not worth it. Facts: The way she dumped you, she didn't give a crap about you. At least didn't respect you or your feelings. You deserve much better. She is coming around checking on you now because she is a sick, twisted, b&^ch who loves seeing you so screwed up over her. I can guarantee she is not attracted to what you have become. It's only about her ego. You wanna turn the tables on her? Figure out who you are. Pull yourself out of the gutter, get back in school, find a job that you can work around your classes. This will help you get self value back. Quit trying to be the person you were when you met her. Be a better person, new attitudes, new clothes.goals,etc..You are going forward, not backwards. Imagine how she will react if she sees a completely different you. You aren't doing it for her though, it's for you. Find a real friend who will help kick your butt during these tough times. People merely telling you to just go with the flow add no value. Get yourself together and I can guarantee you that this won't be the last love of your life. Good Luck!
RocketMan2 Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Hang in there chuckie. Shocked is right, you need to pick yourself up and stop wallowing in self pity. Get out there and do stuff! I feel pretty crap today, so im sorry my reply isnt more enthusiastic and motivting. The last few days i've felt really depressed. I've got a couple of girls texting me trying to get together, and one of them is being really filthy lol. Usually i'd jump at the opportunity, but im just not even slightly interested. Its not because im conciously thinking of the ex, im just really not interested in anyone else. I know how youre feeling. Im not questioning my sexuality, but im finding it really hard to understand why im not interested in other girls at the moment. Im hoping it will pass soon! Anyway im not going to hijack ill start my own rant elsewhere.. Good luck to you though, and remember. MAN UP. Get up off your ass right now and do something pro active to better yourself! Now, to try and follow my own advice...
RichC Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 This may sound extreme but, from what you describe, you may want to start your own social circle. If you keep seeing her think of where you are going to be one, three or five years down the road. If you can't you are going to have to develop a mental flak jacket to keep you sane and functional. Right now its sounds like you are engaged in a serious pity party, which is all right for a time, but life does move on. Do you think she has stopped her life for you? Why not try to expand your interests to spend as little time as possible with the circle both of you are with? You know that every time you see her the knife is going into your gut. I am just trying to help you see some things and I'm not the best advice giver, but, it sounds like you have some radical life decisions to make. Good luck man and KEEP POSTING!!
Streetspirit Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 I know you've been having a rough time with your breakup Chuckie, and I'm very sorry The other advice is great, and I'd like to reinforce that. It sounds that you're trying not to admit that your relationship is really over. You've got to establish that in your own mind. Nothing you can say or do will bring her back to you, man. I know you don't want to do "no contact" because it's hard. Showing her in any way that you're broken up over her only gives her an ego boost at this point. She's worthless. She had a great person and she threw it away. Don't give her that satisfaction. As rough as no contact will be, it does do a lot of good. Suddenly all of the things you reflect on become the past. what happened has happened and that will never change. Wish things didnt turn out like they did? Good. Take it as a lesson, and move on. Use your time alone to better yourself. Reinvent yourself like the others have said. If you want, use her as an excuse to better yourself.... Tell yourself that if you do change and become better, she will want you back. You'll make the changes and a lot of self realizations, you'll begin to get your confidence back.. and as time passes, you'll begin to look differently on the situation. That's what I've experienced, and trust me, it will happen this way. She'll probably come back into your life when you least expect it, but at that point, it won't matter anymore.. you'll realize that she isn't worthy of someone who was so great to her and you'll laugh about it. I know it's a long road but there is an "other side" -happiness Good luck to you
RocketMan2 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 If you want, use her as an excuse to better yourself.... Tell yourself that if you do change and become better, she will want you back. nononono NC is to heal yourself for YOU. Don't do anything for HER! Learn from any mistakes made, and use these lessons to better yourself for the future. The past is sh*t, but its the past. Be strong Rocket
Streetspirit Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 nononono NC is to heal yourself for YOU. Don't do anything for HER! Learn from any mistakes made, and use these lessons to better yourself for the future. The past is sh*t, but its the past. You neglected to see the next paragraph ================ "You'll make the changes and a lot of self realizations, you'll begin to get your confidence back.. and as time passes, you'll begin to look differently on the situation. That's what I've experienced, and trust me, it will happen this way." And yes, you'll see things the way rocket just said, in time. But if anythings a catalyst for those changes (getting her back), and if anything makes it easier for you at the moment, then do it. Good luck to you
JCD Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Why did she dumped you? If you did something bad to her and you want to change then tell her that and maybe she will come back to you. If she's unwilling to talk to you about this but still flirts to stroke her ego then dump her. Absolutely zero contact visual or otherwise. If you keep seeing her, these feelings you have will resurface and will be painful and cause further depression. After NC, work on yourself and get back to being in control of your life. No girl is worth to kill yourself and it's these stupid feelings that make you think you're out of control and life is worthless without her. When you get back to normal you will laugh about how silly this all was.
Author chuckie Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Thank you all for the advice, much appreciated. I’ll try to reply to every comment in one. Whenever I’m talking to the female population they either become my best friend (like sisters) or I jitter whenever I’m around them. My friends (either male/female) are very, very close to me. I know it wasn’t by far the best move I have ever made quitting college to play pool, but that is the one sport I’ve loved all my life. The game for me is either a great way to blast balls around a table letting out anger or to pot everything with my mind in a completely different universe. However, I am going back to college. I am forever trying to do new things, but I lack money. I want to quit smoking, but I lack willpower to make that a priority. I want to better myself, but to be honest I have no idea why. I’m not sure if I want my ex to be jealous of me, have other girls interested or whether I want to do it for myself. I am really confused about my reasoning. The social circle I have now is my own. Many people I know today I’ve known a lot longer than I’ve known my ex. Should I stop going out to a nightclub I introduced my ex to all because she regularly attends there now herself? I never want her back, maybe I feel unloved. I don’t even want to be friends with her. I want answers but the more answers I may receive the more and more questions I’ll have to give. Someone suggested that whenever she wants to hug me, go for a handshake instead. I haven’t seen her in the past week to put that into practice. I never do anything for her. I ignore all her phone calls, text messages and blocked her on both yahoo and msn messenger. I’ve deleted all her pictures from my computer and phone (with and without clothing). I don't have her phone numbers stored anywhere, but I can't exacly erase them from my head! I still think about her tons. If she tries talking to me I make out my life is much better than it really is (without lying too much). I give the impression I am happy and I’m over her. In fact, I purposely dance with other girls if she’s watching me. She always glimpses at me. She never told me why she dumped me. Maybe she was scared of commitment, fallen out of love (assuming she really did love me) or maybe I did do something without realisation. A girl that at one time I was really, really in-love with, I'm finding it so hard to forgive her. I guess again if I found someone new my whole attitudes would be poles apart. Thanks again for all your replies so far, much appreciated!
JCD Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 If you want to heal then don't go to that club anymore. Dancing with other girls to make her jealous will not make things better for you. It will only prolong your healing. Finding another girlfriend will somewhat heal you by taking your mind off of her but still keep to NC with her. I work with my nightmare and I do get the glances you're talking about but I don't return them and I keep NC as much as possible. I still feel jitters when I walk pass her though but I'm friends with another girl and maybe we'll hook up after we get to know each other better so there is a hope for me and you.
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