indep361 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Need some support here. Brief history of my relationship. Starting in July of last year I was going through a divorce. I ended up meeting someone who I instantly clicked with. Needless to say, we started moving way to fast. We both loved each other very much. Well starting around October we started having problems. Mainly on my inability to communicate. I was extremely stressed over work and trying to cope with not seeing my son everyday. Well when an argument insued I would get real angry cause she wouldn't give me some space. This went on for about a month and finally I broke up with her right before Thanksgiving. I went a couple of days and decided I made a mistake and was willing to work on my problems through counseling. We both agreed to take things slow and see what happens. Well needless to say the first day we saw each other I ended up staying the night. Well obviously things didn't get solved and after a big blowup on my part she broke up with me on December 5th. At the time I thought it was for the best and was ok with it, even though I missed her alot. That brings us to today. During the past almost 2 months we have tried to remain friends, her doing not mine. I guess my first question is why do women want to remain friends? Well things would progress some then I would backtrack some. I would get hurt if I would call her and then she wouldn't return my call. Needless to say I kept getting hurt. Then around Christmas I decided that I would do the ultimate and show up on her door Christmas morning with a teddy bear and a poem. So I do that and she wasn't there. Got hurt again. Of course she said she was at a friends house, and I believe it was totally innocent. Well I finally break down and ask her what she wants from this. Her response was that she just wants to be friends with no implications, positive or negative for the future. At first I am ok with this. Well fast forward another month. I felt I was making some progress. She told me several times that she still loved me and cared about me. I decided that I would start dating other people. I think it was more of a jealousy ploy than anything. So I tell her that I was going to start seeing other people and we shouldn't talk anymore. Of course she says she is upset and it hurts her. Well I retracted again and said that I couldn't see anyone else cause I still loved her. Fast forward another couple of weeks. We talked just about every day and finally she tells me that she wants to know if we would still be friends if the other one starts dating someone else. I tell her that it would hurt but I think we could. I take this as a she is seeing someone else. Maybe reading more into it, maybe not. Still not sure. Well then a couple of days later she sends me an email basically describing what she wants out of a relationship/partner and asks me if I had the "drive" to do this. I responded with I couldn't promise but I was willing to make an effort. Well then she just gets totally disconnected. She always made it a point of calling me before she went to bed. Well this stopped for a couple of days. She finally called and just seemed completely disinterested in talking to me. Said she was homesick and was stressed from work. I finally decide that I needed to move on. Start no contact and try to start dating. So I call her this morning and she doesn't answer. I leave a message saying to call me back, its important. So after I few minutes she calls back and I ask her if she has time to talk. She said she was getting ready to take her dog to the vet but had a few minutes. I go into my talk about me not being able to heal emotionally by remaining her friend, etc. She says she doesn't have time for this, but would call me back when I got home. Well after 6 hours still never heard back from her, so I decided I would call again. So I call and it goes to voicemail so I leave her a message saying that we shouldn't talk because I am not healing. I have yet to hear anything back from her. What do you make of someone who says they still love you, but wants to remain friends? I am completely convinced that no contact is my best option at this point. I know that when or if she calls I am going to be tempted to answer. Do I just let her leave a message and not call back. How do I determine when it is right to call back. Any other words of encouragement will be appreciated.
Davis Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Indep: people say all kinds of things, mostly to make themselves feel better or less guilty. I have "love" i.e. concern for some of my exes and their well being. That's all. Telling you they're going to be friends with you likewise makes them feel less guilty. It's way too hard to be just friends after being involved. Do you really want to hear how she gave a great blow job to her new guy? You should have been on askmen.com over the last eight months. Well you can still go on there and get some dating advice. Not for this one, but the next. Bro, no contact means No Communication! Don't be a wuss and take her calls or return her calls. She's walking all over you even if she doesn't mean to. You ask when?? Move on with your life. Meet some new women. Maybe in 8 weeks or so (if ever) of total NC you can re-evaluate if you want her in your life or want to talk to her. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you want to heal, you have to move on and do NC. NO calls to her, NO explanations, NO "i can't handle being friends", NO being a doormat, NO telling her you're doing NC and all of that. Just NC. Good luck.
underpants Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Well, You keep telling her you that you can't communicate with her and heal. Then you contact her. That is kind of ...mixed. Then again, she is doing a little back at you. Here is an idea, maybe. Perhaps you should write a letter of all the things you want and expect in a relationship. Don't relate it to her and her needs, just what it is that you really want with a partner. This might help you figure yourself out a little. You could send it to her with the same question posed ...'Do you have the drive for this?' ...and perhaps I will consider your silence as a 'No'. Relationships take two people willing to step up to the plate and work on things together. I wouldn't call her again and consider this a last letter. A heartfelt letter might be a way to end things on a good note with the ball in her court so to speak. A least you would have put yourself out there and let her know where you stand. If you never hear from her again you at least know you tried to convey your desires and your needs as well as a willingness to help her with hers. This could lead you if anything to be more open in a future relationship. Good luck.
Lovestoomuch Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I have a friend that's going through a similar situation to yours. He was just starting his divorce process and was devastated. He met a women who was also just starting her divorce. They hooked up and immediatley moved in together. Fast forward 7 months, both are miserable beyond belief. It was way too soon for either one of them to give to a new partner when they hadn't even gotten divorced yet. They were both hurting, lonely and are hanging on to each other now through horrible fights because they don't want to be alone. Did you give yourself any time after the divorce, or did you throw yourself into a new relationship because you didn't want to be alone? When I got dumped back in September, I was hurt beyond what I thought I could handle. I took the last 5 months and really worked on myself. I really looked hard at what I needed to change on the inside for me (not her), and made the changes. For the outside, I got a complete makeover from head to toe, joined a gym, and bought new stylish clothes. I made the decision not to date until I felt I was ready. I turned a huge negative into a wonderful positive. I'm the most squared away now than I've ever been in my life. And it never would have happened if I didn't get dumped. I go out with friends and have had many date offers. I haven't met anyone I wish to pursue, but I know I will and keep very positive thoughts in reguard to that. The loneliness still rears it's ugly head but instead of being everyday/ all day like it was right after I got dumped, it's now maybe once a week for about 15 minutes, then I get over it. My point to you is you stated that you admit a lack of communication skills was a downfall in the relationship. Work on you, find out why you do the things you do and change them. Spend time by yourself and really get to know who you are, good and bad. Work on being positive, being happy and content. It seems like you spend so much time wondering if this woman is going to get back together with you. Don't let someone else dictate your happiness. And that's easier said than done. It took me months to feel like I got that power back, but it can be done. And don't beat yourself up over all the things you should/ could have done or all the things she said were wrong with you. Don't feed into the crap your ex dumps on you. Dumpers tend to do this to make themselves feel better or justify the dump. My ex dumped so much crap on me when she dumped me that I felt like a total piece of sh*t. She later took it all back and told me it was all her issues and she's ended relationships before like she did ours for the same reasons. This past month I started talking and hanging out with my ex. My feelings of pining away for her have turned into feeling sorry for her because due to poor choices she's made, her life is very hard now. Now, my ex tells me how good I look and how much I've changed. Even her mother noticed the difference in me. Are we going to get back together. No. I deserve and want someone who is emotionally and financially stable, and that isn't her at all. I've gotten a promotion at work, am going to come into some good money from the sale of a rental house I own, and I'm just happy now. It's an awesome feeling. I never would have got to this point had I not kept to a NC for 4 months after I got dumped. Stick to NC! You may find when you take off the rose colored glasses that you really want more out of a relationship than someone flip flopping whether or not they want you. Forget that...be good
Author indep361 Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 I took about 2 months to myself during the divorce. I didn't really have any intention of getting into a serious relationship, but it happened. I did take underpants advice and sent an email stating my position. Basically I said that I can't grow as a person giving the current situation. Funny thing is I actually feel better about it now. I feel like I have enpowered myself instead of letting someone else dictate how I feel. She did send me a text stating she got the point and I didn't reply back. They say the first step is always the hardest. Well it was pretty easy actually. Of course it is probably more anger than anything at this point, but right now I have to focus on today and quit worrying about tomorrow. Thanks for everybody's help.
underpants Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Good for you Inde, Although I kind of wish you would have sat on your letter for a day or two before sending it. Just to make sure you said everything you wanted to. Oh well, I am sure your thoughts have been rolling around in your head for some time and I think getting it out is always good. Now, the easy part. Time to focus on yourself. No more calling, no more emails or letters from you. No responding to casual stuff from her. If you want to contact, come post here first. Write her letters and then delete them. Give yourself at least 3 months to find your center again. It is you time now, make the most of it. Get to know and like yourself. Best Regards
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