HennyPenny Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I'm here not because I'm an OW. I'm here because I don't want to be an OW, and I'm being tested continuously. I can't talk to anyone about my situation. I'm ashamed of my feelings for this man. Luckily this man does not know the depth of my feelings for him. This is probably what is keeping this situation from escalating. I'm so good. No lingering eye contact. No mind games. I try to keep conversation light. I do nothing to encourage him. I can't ignore the fact that we love each other. he's told me as much and as much as I'd love to hate him, I don't. I adore him. I can get hot and bothered just from being in the same room with him. If I find we're alone together, I'm good. I find an excuse to get the hell away from him and then I beat feet before he can change my mind. He has no clue about how strongly I feel about him, but I have let him know that no matter how much he adores me, I don't do the married man thing. (Though I have, in a weak moment, let him know that his marital status is the only thing holding me back. Damn.) Sometimes I'm dumb enough to believe his sob stories about his wife. I never let him know this. Most of the time I cringe, because his sob stories are so pathetic. Really. He has no idea how much worse it could be. I wonder if it would be worse with me. I wonder if she's easier to live with than I am, or harder. Odds are, she's easier. I've subtly let him know this, but it doesn't seem to discourage him. In fact, he seems to adore my bitchiness. He'll point it out to others in the room. Isn't she great? Hilarious? Don't you just love her? The problem is mostly that we're completely compatible. Our personalities mesh perfectly and complement each other. We couldn't be more opposite with our tastes, but we seem to read one another's minds. Each of us knows just how to bring the other out of a blue mood. We complete tasks as if we're one person. We know just what kind of stupid things to say to trigger these wonderful, gut-holding laughing jags. I've never gotten along so well with another person in my life. We enjoy each other's company so much that it's noticable to others. When I hear one of these subtle comments about our behavior it's like a signal to me to cool it. Stop giggling. Wipe the stupid smile off your face. When he takes a step forward, take a step back. Etc. Sigh. It doesn't help matters that he's gorgeous. He is so f*****g gorgeous. He is leagues above me. He is my age, but looks 10 years younger while I look 10 years older. People would accuse me of "robbing the cradle" with someone my own age. That would really suck. He has a gorgeous body, a fabulous ass. But the best physical trait he has - those eyes. He knows this, too. He knows exactly how to use them. No amount of compliments holds a candle to one searing look from those bodacious baby blues. I avoid them like the plague because I am completely weak if he catches me in that gaze of his. I resist with all my might and I continually congatulate myself on my self-control. I AM STRONG, dammit. I know that he's working on me. I know that no matter how much he whines about his marriage and "doesn't know how much longer he can take it" that he is probably full of *****. What he wants is for me to be his OW. Too f*****g bad, Sport. I don't care if you married for the wrong reasons. I don't care how miserable you are. You're there, aren't you? You stay, don't you? She couldn't be that bad. Sigh. I feel a little better now. A little stronger. Thanks for listening.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Glad you had the chance to vent...come back anytime and welcome
Unbeleivable Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Good job, I commend your self-discipline. I would try to avoid him like the plague though. Situations like OW/OM more often then not lead to stressful situations. Think of the long term, not the immediate, and keep fightin the good fight.
DarkBlue Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 o_o wooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww.... I. CAN. RELATE. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel better. I don't feel so akward about having this issue now... When I first started realizing my feelings I thought... "OMG. Ew. Only terrible immoral stupid women get feelings for married men." Lurking on this board and seeing posts like this has been SUCH a huge help in me finding the strength I didn't think I could muster before... ha ha... and we totally both have the same problem with having our guys having absoloutely mesmerizing baby blues that are hard to resist!
Author HennyPenny Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 "OMG. Ew. Only terrible immoral stupid women get feelings for married men." I used to feel that way too. On top of this, he is not my type at all. I can't figure out where the chemistry comes from. I've never experienced anything like it. You could cut it with a knife. I wish every day that I didn't feel this way. I hate it. I feel like other men don't think I'm available. And if other men flirt with me at work with him around, forget it. There is one man in particular who I used to have long conversations with. No chemistry, but we have a lot in common. MM would either find a reason to pull me away or he would interrupt the conversation and/or be kind of rude to this guy. And he's not the only one. The thing is, I'm a single woman and men are going to flirt with me. Duh. We play these stupid games with each other. He tries to flirt with other women, but it's so obvious to me that it's fake that I can ignore it. For one thing, dork, when you flirt with someone you have to actually look at THEM, not at the person you're trying to make jealous. Besides, he's married. MOST WOMEN ARE NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO FLIRT BACK. When they do, I actually find myself becoming unglued. I'M AN IDIOT. Sometimes it seems like he's trying to be "good" and I'm more than happy to go along with it. Keep it all-business. Keep the eye-contact minimal and impersonal. Then in only a matter of days I can see his lovesick glances in my peripheral vision. No matter, this is for the best, right? Then comes the sadness, the sighing, the tortured, longing looks. WHY do I fall into the trap everytime, when I know his game by heart? Why do I feel sorry for him? "He seems so depressed. I wonder what's going on? He's my friend, after all. I hope he's ok." So I think I can cheer him up, get him to tell me what's bothering him, and go back to business as usual. DUMB. Then he sucks me in somehow. I find myself preening half the day in the mirror, getting all giggly and twitterpated in his presense, occasionally getting caught in that lethal gaze of his. I realize I'm not completely innocent in all this and I hate myself even more. He has his triggers too, and I am way more subtle than him. I can get his attention anytime I want it without him realizing it. I don't know what's wrong with me, seriously. I think I feel like he's safe because he's committed to someone else. Maybe my problem is that I'm scared of having a real relationship with a man. When he begins getting all serious around me it throws me into a panic. I know that he would love it if things progressed to physical, but we would lose something in the process. Besides, he'd have to be clear of his marriage, and my realistic side assures me that this isn't happening. I've been hurt enough in my lifetime, and I know I'd be opening myself up to a nightmare. You can see that I can talk perfect sense to myself. This is what I have to do. I'm strong. I can do it. Keep the distance. Keep it professional. Above all else, AVOID THE EYES. STAY STRONG!
DarkBlue Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 On the "He's not my type at all" thing.. Same here! Everything about him looks wise is what I'm usually NOT attracted too... but there's some sort of magnet like chemistry... whenever we are together in a room we both act so silly and chat like squirrels on crack. There is just something about the way he looks at me with THOSE EYES...THOSE EYES.. while were chatting... and that devilish smile... RAWR!!! :love: Must.... stay.... strong.
Author HennyPenny Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 Ok, so I'm remaining strong but experiencing withdrawals. I've known this man for years and things kind of built up to a high level of intensity. I'm used to getting a lot of attention from this man. He seems to be getting the message finally, but I'm hating this. His bitterness about our situation is making it easier in a way. He's being somewhat of a prick. He's making embarrassing comments in front of everyone like, "Oh, was I getting too fresh with you again?" when I keep space between us. He has gone from the lovesick, sad eyes to the bitter trying-to-look-amused-but-only-managing-to-look-like-a-prick eyes. I admit, his appreciative glances and his wonderful, penetrating gazes bumped my self-esteem up more than a few notches. I know I'm an idiot for feeling ugly and unwanted. It's such a base, simple thing. I'm ashamed that I'm so simple deep down. Why do I need so many strokes from a man? Other men look at me. Other men flirt with me right in front of his face. Why do I care so much about how HE feels about me? The cave woman in me wants to have a full spa treatment, do my hair up, put on some sexy perfume and cast my spell over him again. Did I just admit that? Yes, ok. Part of the recovery process: I purposely did things to funk with his head. I did it all so that I still looked perfectly innocent. It wasn't "all him." I realize I have my subtle ways of getting his attention and I've used and abused them all. If I were his wife I would rip my hair out. The guilt, the guilt. I've been acting despicably. Not as despicably as him, but still pretty damn despicable. I feel like such a selfish, rotten hag. I have to fight the urge to act like a total creep. I want to say I'm weak, but you have to see this man's eyes. I feel starved of them now. I'm sure there have been many opportunities for me to have become lost in them again, but I haven't been able to meet them because of the guilt. I'm feeling deprived of them. They are like a drug to me. Am I weakening again? No. I'm sad. I'm losing all this wonderful male attention. I have never gotten that kind of attention from anyone, and I've been married. This man is good. He knows what he's doing. I miss him. What's wrong with me?
pricillia Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Ok, so I'm remaining strong but experiencing withdrawals. I've known this man for years and things kind of built up to a high level of intensity. I'm used to getting a lot of attention from this man. He seems to be getting the message finally, but I'm hating this. His bitterness about our situation is making it easier in a way. He's being somewhat of a prick. He's making embarrassing comments in front of everyone like, "Oh, was I getting too fresh with you again?" when I keep space between us. He has gone from the lovesick, sad eyes to the bitter trying-to-look-amused-but-only-managing-to-look-like-a-prick eyes. I admit, his appreciative glances and his wonderful, penetrating gazes bumped my self-esteem up more than a few notches. I know I'm an idiot for feeling ugly and unwanted. It's such a base, simple thing. I'm ashamed that I'm so simple deep down. Why do I need so many strokes from a man? Other men look at me. Other men flirt with me right in front of his face. Why do I care so much about how HE feels about me? The cave woman in me wants to have a full spa treatment, do my hair up, put on some sexy perfume and cast my spell over him again. Did I just admit that? Yes, ok. Part of the recovery process: I purposely did things to funk with his head. I did it all so that I still looked perfectly innocent. It wasn't "all him." I realize I have my subtle ways of getting his attention and I've used and abused them all. If I were his wife I would rip my hair out. The guilt, the guilt. I've been acting despicably. Not as despicably as him, but still pretty damn despicable. I feel like such a selfish, rotten hag. I have to fight the urge to act like a total creep. I want to say I'm weak, but you have to see this man's eyes. I feel starved of them now. I'm sure there have been many opportunities for me to have become lost in them again, but I haven't been able to meet them because of the guilt. I'm feeling deprived of them. They are like a drug to me. Am I weakening again? No. I'm sad. I'm losing all this wonderful male attention. I have never gotten that kind of attention from anyone, and I've been married. This man is good. He knows what he's doing. I miss him. What's wrong with me? yeah alright and this should all be in the fiction section at Barnes and Noble...
LN99 Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Wow, I totally understand what you are saying. Only thing is the guy(in my situation) isn't married, but in a relationship(a LDR). I don't understand WHY i got singled out. (could be because I look similiar to his gf). But either way, I know that he is taken and I'm not about to break up a relationship. Its just nice to have the attention though, even though it is wrong. So I totally can relate. Stay strong and remember DISTANCE is the key. Thats what Im doing... And yes....it is hard. Especially when you catch him staring at you or doing whatever he can to get your attention. Sighs... I don't understand men. IF they are so unhappy in their current relationship, why don't they just get out of it and pursue what they really want to? I mean isn't that the logical thing to do?
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