bullhunter Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I haven't been here for awhile. A few years ago I had an EA with a woman - conducted mostly via e-mail. She also came to visit a few times, but nothing sexual happened. I had no respect for the woman, I was not physically attracted to her, and in fact didn't even like her. I was angry with my wife, and used this other woman. I told my wife about the situation, and she forgave me. It was a hard, hard time for both of us. I'm telling this part just for back-ground, please don't wasste time telling me I was an a$$, I already know that. Now is the present day problem. My wife has been withdrawing. I know her well enough to know that she doesn't do revenge. But I don't know what the problem is. I can tell that she's depressed, but when I ask her what's wrong she always says "nothing". If she's not thinking about what happened a few years ago, then I don't want to bring it up and cause her more grief, but I don't know what is wrong aond don't want it to continue. I'd like to help her and thought that maybe someone here would have some suggestions? Should I bring up what happened? If that isn't what depressing her and I bring it up, would that make it worse?
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Are you meeting her needs? Not only sexually, but emtionally? Showing her appreciation and how much you love/need her? Is she stressed about life, kids, job? Tell her it hurts you seeing her down and ask what you can do to make her feel better.
Author bullhunter Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 WWIU, thank-you. I believe that I am meeting her needs, at least I am trying to. She has a very stressful job so that's always there. Our kids as well. I really don't know what is more stressful now than a year ago, or a year before that. She seems more down though.
ConfusedTeen Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I agree with WWIU, tell her that you are hurt seeing her like this.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Should I bring up what happened? If that isn't what depressing her and I bring it up, would that make it worse? If you have reason to suspect that this is what's affecting your wife's sense of emotional intimacy with you.. then yeah, go ahead and talk about it. You know, sometimes a betrayed spouse can still have some residual feelings that she's hesitant to bring up. She might be more responsive to your need for forgiveness than she is to her own need to talk. IOW, she might be worried that you'll feel like she's still keeping you in the doghouse if she brings it up. I don't think there's anything to be lost by ruling this out as a cause for her withdrawal. Keep in mind though that LOTS of things can interfere with emotional intimacy; health issues, hormone levels, busy schedules, job stress, anxiety, depression... you name it. Sometimes, even the person who's in the withdrawal stage doesn't even know exactly what's causing it. All she knows is she's feeling kind of blah.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 You said she's depressed. Is it clinical depression? Is she in treatment? If not, you'll certainly want to suggest that she schedule a depression screening with her doctor. If it's winter in your part of the world, you might also have her screened for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195
Unbeleivable Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Are you meeting her needs? Not only sexually, but emtionally? Showing her appreciation and how much you love/need her? Is she stressed about life, kids, job? Tell her it hurts you seeing her down and ask what you can do to make her feel better. Definately a good point. Her withdrawing could be from her not feeling like you are into her anymore. How often do you tell her you are happy to see her, how badly you want to see her, how much you love her, etc. Try to do the little things here and there and make a consious effort to shower her with compliments and whatnot. You don't have to over do it, but enough to show her that you love her and think she's sexeh See how she responds to that. It may revitalize her and be just what she needed. If you let it keep going like this, she will start seeking the attention/gratification from elsewhere, whether she means to or not.
silktricks Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Should I bring up what happened? If that isn't what depressing her and I bring it up, would that make it worse? It probably wouldn't make it worse. She may appreciate the fact that you would be worried enough about her to be willing to bring it up. Sometimes it can be the elephant in the living room that everyone knows is there, but no one will discuss. Good luck.
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