addicted2love Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Update...there is no update! ha ha. So it's been two weeks since MM emailed w/ "I love you...miss you...could never let you go...have to figure something out...bla bla blah." Two weeks since he left a number for me to call him at work...a number that he can not be reached on. I only called once and gave up. So were back to square one. No contact from his and me frustrated as ever and ready to give up! I've composed so many emails to him regarding how I feel about his minimal contact via email only but I haven't sent anything yet. I want this man in my life and I wonder what his problem is...he can't let me go but he can't call me either? It's not like we can actually see eachother we live hundreds of miles away from one another all I'm asking for is for him to keep in touch with me more than every few weeks. Am I asking too much? I don't think so. I'm looking for suggestions (other than NC) as to what I could possibly say to him to get him sustain his end of the "relationship" <---for lack of a better word. Here's what I've come up with so far. 1.) I give up. You blew it. 2.) Is asking for you to keep in touch with me too much to ask? 3.) or should I let him have it....let him know that I accept no excuses for his lack of consideration, contact, etc. and if this is how it's going to be then forget it. So far my emails to him have been sweet and patient and understanding. My patience is as thin as paper and I'm ready to give up. When I've asked him what he wants in the past he only responds with... I love you, I will always love you, I have to figure something out, I miss you soo much...etc. Great! glad to hear it but can we have a freakin conversation like "normal" people? I miss his jokes, I miss his stories about work and things like that. That's all I'm asking for! I'm not asking for promises of the future. I want him to ask me how I'm doing for God's sakes! Talk about the weather or something. I don't care just a freakin conversation! ....I'm sure my frustration is showing.... Or should I just tell him this is BULL SH*T... either your in or your out...which is it? I want to tell him off so badly but I'm affraid to push him away completely. Please don't tell me I sound pathetic...I'm well aware of that. I need suggestions on how to get what I want from this man...a phone call, not promises of forever. How do I put my foot down with him without pushing him away?
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 His silence is telling you alot. Hate to say it but you need to move on... Him not showing any interest in you, how are you etc., is rude and you having expectations that he SHOULD ask you that is just making you feel worse. Have NO expectations of him that way he won't disappoint you.
Curmudgeon Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 And when it comes to towel throwing, just let me know when and I'll help you throw it far, far away!
bullhunter Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I need suggestions on how to get what I want from this man...a phone call, not promises of forever. How do I put my foot down with him without pushing him away? He's not interested in your needs or wants. He wants to have contact on his terms and at his time. He is telling you what he thinks you want/need to hear in order to keep the level of contact he has with you. What you want or need is immaterial to him. You may not even exist as a real person to him but only a doll that he plays with when it suits him. The fact that this relationship is long distance makes that even easier for him to think of you as a non-person. There is no way to put your foot down without pushing him away. If you put your foot down that starts to make you into an actual person who actually has a mind and will of her own. That won't work for him and his fantasy.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Don't hold your breath if your waiting for some actual "closure" from a passive/aggressive conflict avoider. They don't do "break-ups" … they'd rather give you enough reason to do the hard part for them so that you get to take responsibility for ending the relationship instead of them. They'd rather appear polite or indifferent than risk looking like the bad guy. I'm sure his "wife" would attest to that.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Here's what I've come up with so far. 1.) I give up. You blew it. 2.) Is asking for you to keep in touch with me too much to ask? 3.) or should I let him have it....let him know that I accept no excuses for his lack of consideration, contact, etc. and if this is how it's going to be then forget it. How do I put my foot down with him without pushing him away? Just be a b****...apparently being nice doesn't get through to him... But be prepared for it to end, he's really wishy-washy...
Author addicted2love Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 Just be a b****...apparently being nice doesn't get through to him... But be prepared for it to end, he's really wishy-washy... GEL...funny you said that..about the B-yatch thing...I was just thinking that the other day! Seems like women like that have it all! Wish I had it in me but I seriously don't! Ha Ha.
Author addicted2love Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 I left things alone for a while...didn't say get lost or come back..just stayed silent. I got an email saying he's going to buy a cell phone to use just to call me. We shall see how long that takes...seems like silence is golden. Question....about the b-itch comment that was made...when he does call I'm thinking about playing it very cool...borderline b-itchy...no gushing I love you so glad you called...what took you so long...none of that. I think I'll stay quiet and just listen to what he has to say...thoughts anyone?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I left things alone for a while...didn't say get lost or come back..just stayed silent. I got an email saying he's going to buy a cell phone to use just to call me. We shall see how long that takes...seems like silence is golden. Question....about the b-itch comment that was made...when he does call I'm thinking about playing it very cool...borderline b-itchy...no gushing I love you so glad you called...what took you so long...none of that. I think I'll stay quiet and just listen to what he has to say...thoughts anyone? I think this is the best way to go...act cool and nonchalant...play it by ear...and keep him guessing...
Jane Doe Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 His silence is telling you alot. Hate to say it but you need to move on... I totally agree. You should never have to ask someone to pay attention to you or contact you. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming, "You're not important to me." Sorry, but those are the facts.
norajane Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Question....about the b-itch comment that was made...when he does call I'm thinking about playing it very cool...borderline b-itchy...no gushing I love you so glad you called...what took you so long...none of that. I think I'll stay quiet and just listen to what he has to say...thoughts anyone? I don't think you need to gush for him to know that you love him and are glad he called - you taking his calls is proof of that. What will you really gain by not telling him straight-up how you feel, by hiding your feelings from him? Basically, he'll talk to you, you'll get off the phone, and then wait around for his next call. Nothing will have been resolved. You will still be upset. He will still be the same wishy-washy guy. Maybe him getting a cell phone will mean he'll call you more often. Is that all you want?
ratingsguy Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Don't hold your breath if you're waiting for some actual "closure" from a passive/aggressive conflict avoider. They don't do "break-ups" … they'd rather give you enough reason to do the hard part for them so that you get to take responsibility for ending the relationship instead of them. They'd rather appear polite or indifferent than risk looking like the bad guy. Well put. Part of me doesn't want to admit it, but I think I'm going through this with my xMW. Maybe not, but it does make a lot of sense.
Author addicted2love Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 I don't think you need to gush for him to know that you love him and are glad he called - you taking his calls is proof of that. What will you really gain by not telling him straight-up how you feel, by hiding your feelings from him? Basically, he'll talk to you, you'll get off the phone, and then wait around for his next call. Nothing will have been resolved. You will still be upset. He will still be the same wishy-washy guy. Maybe him getting a cell phone will mean he'll call you more often. Is that all you want? Yes NJ...I do want him to call me. The point of this post was how do I demand he stop being so damn wishy washy without telling him off and pushing him away. How do I tell him exactly what I want...more contact...without giving ulimatums and playing games. I want to say to him you're either in this or your not. Which is it? If you're in it then you need to put forth the effort of keeping in touch with me. If you can't do that then forget it. My concern is if I put it to him like that he will view me as no different than the pushy W he already has at home. I've tried to take that direct approch with him...he doesn't respond. He responds to the sweet, things I say...the lovey dovey stuff. But I feel like I can't continue to pour my heart out to him and get little in return.
Guest Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Yes NJ...I do want him to call me. The point of this post was how do I demand he stop being so damn wishy washy without telling him off and pushing him away. How do I tell him exactly what I want...more contact...without giving ulimatums and playing games. I want to say to him you're either in this or your not. Which is it? If you're in it then you need to put forth the effort of keeping in touch with me. If you can't do that then forget it. My concern is if I put it to him like that he will view me as no different than the pushy W he already has at home. I've tried to take that direct approch with him...he doesn't respond. He responds to the sweet, things I say...the lovey dovey stuff. But I feel like I can't continue to pour my heart out to him and get little in return. I'm not trying to be mean, but isn't it likely that his wife has the same questions? What if his wife isn't actually "pushy" so much as he's making her feeling crazy and insecure by being wishy-washy with her the same way he is with you? I bet she's said the exact same thing to herself many times - that she's pouring her heart out and gets little in return. And then she acts pushy because she doesn't know how else to reach him or get him to respond. I don't know why OW find it so easy to believe what MM say about their wives. Considering what you're now going through, it just seems like it should be obvious that he's the problem here - he probably is like this all the time and when someone reacts to it because it's hurtful, he calls them "pushy" rather than accepting that he was an ass. It's easier to blame his wife than himself. Right?
norajane Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Yes NJ...I do want him to call me. The point of this post was how do I demand he stop being so damn wishy washy without telling him off and pushing him away. How do I tell him exactly what I want...more contact...without giving ulimatums and playing games. I want to say to him you're either in this or your not. Which is it? If you're in it then you need to put forth the effort of keeping in touch with me. If you can't do that then forget it. My concern is if I put it to him like that he will view me as no different than the pushy W he already has at home. I've tried to take that direct approch with him...he doesn't respond. He responds to the sweet, things I say...the lovey dovey stuff. But I feel like I can't continue to pour my heart out to him and get little in return. That's a neat little trap he's set. Of course he wants the lovey dovey stuff, the sweetness and light - he wants the good part, the easy part, the part that makes him feel wonderful and admired. But as soon as you show that you are a whole person with needs of your own, he backs off because he already has someone who is a whole person with needs and demands of her own - he's certainly not going to want another woman with needs and demands. Have you considered his wife might not be all that pushy? That maybe she's just asking him to step up and meet her needs, much like you wish to ask him to step up and and meet your needs? Maybe he isn't capable of being a guy who can give you as much of the sweetness and lovey dovey stuff you need. So, no matter how you ask for it, he won't be able to give you what you want. I don't know how you can ask for more without actually asking for more. The only thing I can think of is to give him some of what he wants - the sweetness and adoration - but only to a point, leave him hanging, wanting more. Lure him into calling more often by ending the calls first, cutting them short, and enticing him with something for the next call..."I'm sorry, darling, but I have to run. It's been so wonderful talking with you - you're so funny. Next time we talk, remind me to tell you about that dream I had about you last night..." But, that's playing games, and you don't want to do that. So, you're trapped. The best advice I can give you is to find a single guy who gives you what you want freely, without pushing or luring, because he wants to, and has it to give.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I posted this link a year or so ago and some folks who were going through the same thing that you are right now seemed to really connect with it. There's a lot of info online about the topic, but this is the only one that I can post a link to because it isn't related to a commercial site. http://love-addiction.com/loveaddict34.html
Author addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 I got an email from MM Saturday night telling me that he is going to try and get a cell phone to call me from. I need advice on what to say to him when he does finally call. I haven't heard his voice since November and I'm afraid I will burst into tears. I really don't want to do that...I want to be strong. I just want to prepare myself for the conversation. I also want to set some bounderies with him. I just don't know how to do that. Also I deserve a giant apology from him. I've played out this conversation a few times in my head. Here's what I've come up with.... I want to play it very cool...maybe not say much at all just listen. I have also thought about cutting the conversation short...like I'm so busy I just can't talk right now! Sorry gotta run, I've got another call coming in. Something like that. Just to let him know...hey mr. you've treated me like I am unimportant...how does it feel? I still want answers though...I want to know why he avoided my calls and hung up on me. Why he hasn't responded to my many heart felt emails. And why after all this time is he finally ready/willing to talk to me when all I've been asking for in the first place is a conversation. Do I wait until the second or third time we talk to ask these questions or do I just unload on him the first chance I get? It's such a fine line...I don't want to push but damn it I want some of the power back! KWIM? Opinions and advice please!
lovernotafighter Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 nooe...don't do any of that..you are gonna end up being pissed off...being aloof is the key.act like none of that even bothers you..attention is still attention even if is negitive. Ive learned alot from my MM, I found out the way he feels alive is by trying to get reations from me...dont do it AP.
frannie Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I still want answers though...I want to know why he avoided my calls and hung up on me. Why he hasn't responded to my many heart felt emails. And why after all this time is he finally ready/willing to talk to me when all I've been asking for in the first place is a conversation. Do I wait until the second or third time we talk to ask these questions or do I just unload on him the first chance I get? It's such a fine line...I don't want to push but damn it I want some of the power back! KWIM? Opinions and advice please! If it were me, I'd just ask him... why is he behaving like this? That's if I even took the calls. I don't see what you're getting out of this at all to be honest. It's all game-playing and manoeuvres (or however you spell that)...
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