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Why am I being so paranoid


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Posted

Maybe it's b/c I don't know what other ppl might think, or if it is just an quezzy feeling in my gut b/c of what H and I went through 3 years ago (he left me for the OW but he broke it off to work on our M).

 

H is riding to the game w/ another coach. They have to ref. NP about him riding w/ the other coach for an hour BUT the other coach just happens to be a woman. I don't feel comfortable w/ it. I trust her, don't think she would even try to hit or flirt w/ him, but what I don't like is the fact that her and H have so much in common. I guess I'm worried he will fall for her just like he did his XOW. I know I need to trust him, but I'm not too keen on the idea of him riding an hour w/ another woman. She does have her own child w/ her so nothing can happen. It just makes me queezy. Am I being paranoid or do I have a legit reason to be bugged by this?

Posted

Paranoid? Perhaps, but I can understand why. Are you feelings legit? In a sense, they are. You've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. You know how affairs start: usually its the EA - and these two are going to have a couple of hours to share together to talk, etc. You are afraid that your H is going to be able to form an attachment to her during this time he will have alone with her, and out of your presence.

 

Now, I'm not saying that I think in any way, shape or form that these two will do or say ANYTHING inappropriate or even 'go there' in that direction even for an instant - what I'm saying is that I can understand why it bothers you. Its the POTENTIAL that bothers you, the "what if" that is getting under your skin.

 

I expect you still have some unresolved feelings and it is normal, I think given your situation to let something like this get to you a little bit.

 

You are at the hardest part of your journey right now: establishing and maintaining trust. It is so hard to do. Affairs destroy so much. Even an innocent 'catching a ride with someone' is tainted by the memory of what damage was done. Its time to see how he does, and prove to himself and to you that he can be trusted. The hardest part is letting him go in order to do that. I'm not saying you don't trust him - its more of a question of "I trust him, insofar as we are together - how is he going to do on his own? Have we come far enough where he can go off on his own and I will be able to maintain the same level of trust?"

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Posted

Thanks LB for the reply. You are so right about the trust issue. I was hoping (and praying) that I would be over it by now. Three years has been awhile and I don't know if I will ever get that trust back if I haven't by now.

There has been times though that when he is late coming home from work that I don't even bother to call him to find out why he is late...it doesn't matter anymore. He isn't too late where he would have time to go see an OW unless he says hi and walks back out the door again just to make a presence (if ya know what I mean). Part of me is at the point in my life where if he cheats on me again I go on w/ my life w/o him and find someone else and not give a crap anymore. BTDT! I know how much pain it causes and I know if he does it again it will hurt like hell again but I know what to expect and I know better on how to deal w/ it.

 

I'm not too worried about H being sexually attracted to her (at this time) b/c she is not his type in the looks department. In fact she is kind of butch looking. BUT if he became attracted to the inside of her I'm sure he would eventually become attracted to the outside sooner or later.

Posted

It doesnt matter what she looks like. Looks have nothing in common with affairs. It doesnt even matter if the AP are even married. She is still a member of the opposite sex and that is a threat.

 

It would be the same if you took a cooking class and met up with another man. Its just one more thing to have in common, soccer, cooking, unhappy marriages, or just another soul to confide in. A common bond. The attention of a woman/man. We wants/need for others to like us. Accept us. Life is all an opportunity.

 

Romeos OW was beholden to him just because of her "beautiful fragility" and he is the kind of person who stands up for the bad guy (or in this case bad girl) because he doesnt like people who put other people down. He also talked a lot, gave her too much information (TMI) and could read her the manual on how to act, and how not to act around him without even realizing it. If he complained about eating out too much, a woman could offer him a home cooked meal. The rest is her-story. lol.

 

There are opportunities everywhere disguised as friends and co-workers, coaches, and the only advice you should listen to is your gut instincts when they speak to you. Sometimes it is only just a whisper that something is wrong. Thats your instincts compelling you to act, and I hear caution behind your words. Pay attention to your gut instincts even if anybody tells you you are nuts.

 

There are many affairs that just blossom out of friendship. Common interests. There is a mutual bond. They already have soccer in common. And you're hardly around if anyone should come to claim him. Those would be missed opportunities. And like I keep saying, its all about opportunity.

 

My husband met OW cutting down a tree that fell in her yard. That chance meeting resulted in three years of torment for me. He said he was going to get firewood, but he didnt tell me it would be all day, at a divorced single mothers house, whom he met in the bar the night before. Ick. Had I gone to the bar with him the night before, who knows. I had missed the opportunity.

 

I think you should take up his hobby and become more proactive in sports. And when you talk about this again, tell him to maintain boundaries and to listen to people and try to figure them out FIRST, before he shares his whole life story with them. TMI to use to manipulate him. Even if it is a happy marriage, they may inadvertiantly spill some TMI about the affair, and even if it's a comment like, "my wife doesnt like soccer", its an opportunity to fill that role for him. Feel me.

 

:bunny:

Posted

PS I am not a trusting person anymore. It's not so much that I dont trust him but I'm jaded by everybody. The world is a cold place. One of the things that helped the OW was the pretenses. Why would anyone put up such an effort to support him and help lie about his whereabouts and promise not to call him at home. Meet with him and wait for him, days, weeks, whatever it takes. I dont know I couldnt live like that.

 

The OW talks in her letter about starting out as friends and then crossing the line and that afterwards nothing mattered.

 

"By then (D-Day) you were already divorcing him (we were seperated) and thought we had the chance for something special and said you would take him for all his money so I kept quiet, but he played me and like a fool I believed him... Paybacks a bitch..."

 

Trust. Ha. My innocence is lost. The only person you can trust is yourself.

 

:bunny:

Posted

RMD, I must agree with you on this one. Trust is something earned over a long period of time, even in the best circumstances. For the victim of infidelity, truely "Trusting " the betrayer after being a BS is impossible. Some here may dissagree, however that's just self serving rhetoric. Not one BS on this board would overlook the slightest hint of another round of betrayal in the name of "Trust", meaning they are alert, and wary of their "trusted" SO's.

 

Personally I don't bother. If a person shows me reasons not to trust them, I don't, I just move on.

Posted

I don't really know how anyone ever takes back someone that betrayed them. I don't think I could ever regain enough trust. To my knowledge I have never been cheated on, but I did cheat once. He wanted me back, wanted to try again, but I couldn't ever see myself being accountable for every second of my life. I suspected that every time I went to the store that my time there would be subject to some sort of minute by minute play by play. And I just wanted out anyway, so reconciliation was impossible.

 

My BF was cheated on by his ex-wife and he felt the same way when they tried to work it out. It's just too hard emotionally.

 

I applaud you for working on your marriage, I do. But I don't want to have to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I would be waiting, and analyzing, and wondering all the time. No matter how much time elapsed. I would drive myself crazy with thoughts. I wish you the best, though. I'm just expressing my thoughts.

Posted

It is a rough place to be. I applaud you for working it out too. Trust is a starnge word after an affair. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you. I know I messed up and I will not do it again. If I am in the ploblem again, I will know I am lost to her forever. I don't want die for a stupid affair. I would die because I adore my wife.

 

Hope that your H still remembers, I am a changed tainted person too, I take each day that she gives me to keep trying as a special day. I hurt a little deeper but I love a lot deeper. Let him go. Your feelings are a natural insecurity. If he loves you, he will not be putting you in the pain again.

 

Dealing with an affair is like getting diabetes - It requires maintance to keep it going. Marriage is the toughest job you'll ever love. Keep your head up and talk with him and let him know you still need assurances. Working on a marriage is for even one after they say "I Do" affair or not.

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Posted
I don't really know how anyone ever takes back someone that betrayed them. I don't think I could ever regain enough trust. To my knowledge I have never been cheated on, but I did cheat once. He wanted me back, wanted to try again, but I couldn't ever see myself being accountable for every second of my life. I suspected that every time I went to the store that my time there would be subject to some sort of minute by minute play by play. And I just wanted out anyway, so reconciliation was impossible.

 

My BF was cheated on by his ex-wife and he felt the same way when they tried to work it out. It's just too hard emotionally.

 

I applaud you for working on your marriage, I do. But I don't want to have to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I would be waiting, and analyzing, and wondering all the time. No matter how much time elapsed. I would drive myself crazy with thoughts. I wish you the best, though. I'm just expressing my thoughts.

 

RMD, WOW, how soon was your dday? You seem very hurt and angry. I am so sorry. The feeling of being betrayed is he!! and I wouldn't wish it on anyone (but ppl who f@ck MP, they deserve the pain!) I believe one can regain that trust but the WS has to work their ass off to show they can be trusted again. I don't know how much longer I can live w/ this. If I'm still feeling like this in 2 years I think I'm throwing in the towel. I can't live not trusting him the rest of my life. BUT then again, maybe it's not all about trusting him that plays a part in my feelings....it's trusting WOMAN! His xOW persued him for a few years. I seen the way she acted towards him, what friends told me that worked w/ them or had spouses that did. I have also seen other woman in our group of friends hit on him and flirt w/ him and right in front of me. And if I'm not around H told me or even our friends do. H has been hit on a lot in our M but I know he was never unfaithful b4 his first A. If woman flirted w/ him and showed interest in having an A w/ him would he go through it? That is what bothers me. He didn't w/ the first three woman that showed an interest, but the fourth he did. And our M wasn't any worse than it was b4.

Trust is so hard to regain once it's broken but I do know that I will D him if he has an A again. If I even see any signs that he is attracted or involved w/ someone else, I'm gone and there will be hell to pay. I come from a community where my family is well know and well liked so if he is that stupid to f#ck around on me he better leave town!

 

ddl, I thought the very same thing when I b4 my H had an A. In fact when my BF b4 H cheated on me I broke it off immediately. I was hurt yes, but not nearly as hurt as I was when H had his A. As for taking my H back after his A, it was hard. I thought and prayed about it for several weeks. H and I continued to stay seperated for six months after the A. He was the one that came back to me telling me he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah. When you share 11 years of M, children, dreams, it's hard to just let it go w/o at least giving it another try. I gave him another year after the A ended to make him proove how sorry he was. I wasn't going to force him into anything, he had to do it on his own. If I felt so strongly about the hurt he caused me and it would cause us problems I was going to continue w/ the D (he filed).

 

A lot of ppl say they would leave if their spouse had an A but they don't know that until it actually happens. A friend of mine told me the same thing when I told her about my H A. She said she would leave her H if he ever screwed around. She said she couldn't handle it. Well, guess what, her H just had an A w/ TWO woman over the course of about a year and she is still w/ him. Yes, she knows about it and they are still together. Rumors of a D have been flying around but she hasn't said anything about it.

 

If this betrayal happened in a short-term R, yes I would of broke it off.

Posted

DDL Reconcilliation, It's all about love and love can overcome many of our other emotions, including hate. I am not obsessively waiting for the other shoe to drop. It isnt like that at all. Although sometimes I do worry when we argue (as he is a passive aggressive man and his A was an affair born of anger) but he refuses to go back there to the other woman, as if it were running into a fire that would burn him. I could tell him, "GO FU*CK OW! FIND SOMEBODY ELSE!" and he would not do it.

 

Just keep in mind that all it takes is a spark to burn down a house. A BW is just more proactive about fire safety, and I'm heavily insured because I have been burned before and I have lost everything and I have essentially started over with nothing.

 

A true reconciller does not do the old marriage over again, we start over brand new. Second chances. I look at him as a new boy I am crazy about, and we live together, and he happens to be really great with the kids. lol.

 

Mopar - I am a Chicago girl. I didnt grow up sheltered and neither did my husband. I am not angry so much as I am rebellious. And smart. I am just too dang smart for my own good. I know too much. More than I ever wanted to know about affairs. Thats for sure.

 

Then again that is my insurance policy. To know more about it than the other woman and win through adversity. I got myself covered. It is also the same double edge sword that cuts me, because I know so much. I know more about the other woman than I do my best friend, right down to her exact birthdate. I also know he loved her (ouch) and wether or not he had any right to is another story. Trust me, I am not a stupid girl.

 

I am honest and direct and hell yeah, I am a veteran BW of infidelity and I am angry and very passionate about infidelity, especially when I see others hurting, it just brings out my instincts to fight and protect for what I believe is right. It's gonna take alot more than some fool WS to tell me I am wrong to give up the fight. lol. I am not easily discouraged. I rise to the challenge.

 

I find the best way to heal myself is to help others and to give them my unyeilding support no matter which side of the fence they are on. I am open to talking to both the BW and the OW to learn about affairs through our experinces, instead of closing my mind and my heart to save myself. I can show love my husband also. I can help him heal and heal myself in the process. How many times have we had to put our own hurts aside to help them? Too many to keep score.

 

As for trust, there was a time when you could have told me my husband was cheating on me and I would never have believed you. I had such faith and conviction about him that he would never cheat on me. It could never be shaken.

 

You know, all I asked him for was the truth. The simple truth, what is going on with the OW? Even before it started, I could never get the truth. Remember that. I never got the truth. It was raining lies and deceit. You couldnt see through the storm of denial. Thats just part of the infidelity game and by then it's too late. They just cant help themselves to turn it around. Thats why we have D-days.

 

I also dont believe it when people tell me that its over. It isnt over, it's right here. Inside me. My pain shows for it. I am paying the debt for his mistakes, with interest. Once you have had a man tell you that you are crazy, that you are out of your mind to cover his own bad deeds, where does one even begin to trust? Who do you turn to? Can you even put your faith in the Lord to protect you? Is an ancient scroll going to mysteriously drop out of the sky and give you all the answers, or are you pretty much on your own to figure it out?

 

It wasn't just an affair either. He waited until I was pregnant and lost a teen son in an accident before he kicked me in the chest. You dont forget what that is like once you have experinced it, in that exact way that it happened. I have been unjustly demonized (to justify his affair) and I have had to fear for my children. Here I had just lost a son and had to worry about losing my other children (my worst fear realized) because of another woman with a score to settle because of what HE did. I didnt lie to her. She wasnt my girlfriend. I didnt owe her sh*it. I'm paying for that as if it were my affair. It isnt fair, but that is life baby. Life isnt always going to be fair to you. You have to fight for equality.

 

He did not know better to even sheild our children from his debauchery. My children were brought over there to play with her children, but in reality, they would be on the couch babysitting each other while WS & OW played house together. Who was watching my kids while they had their fu*ckfest. Would you leave your kids with a nympho, drunk or otherwise loopy babysitter? Hell no. But a WS would because they are only thinking of themselves. What they want. Whats best for them. "Its all about me."

 

The kids had been used since day one, and he lost his mind and his ability to use his brain under pressure, even for the kids sake. They had even had me babysitting for them (all the kids, including hers) under false pretenses... but the kids were much better off with me because I actually took care of them and played with them and wasnt out screwing around when it was time to be a responsible grown-up.

 

A persons mindset isnt right in an affair. They will convince themselves and everyone else around them they are doing the right thing. They will convince friends and family members too, and then you have pretty much the whole world against you. So really all you can do is trust yourself, kiddo.

 

The AP only has their own interests at heart and that is why I dont believe its ever for the kids. Everything they do is for their own interests, and I believe if they ever wanted to anything "for the kids" then they'd never have cheated to begin with. We also dont just reconcille for the kids because that is just impossible to live in that environment. I couldnt do this just for the kids. We're doing this for us. As a couple.

 

I have also come to him with information every time I had it, I put trust in his hands, even when we were fighting. Even when we were our worst enemies. I never went behind his back with information. I didnt mess with him through our children. I never messed with the other woman either and I sure as hell never messed with her kids. Everything I did was F2F, and through direct confrentation. It wasnt the same way with him, most of the things I know about the affair I had to find out for myself. It was a challenge. As you know once the affair is exposed they go underground with it. Its not a fair fight.

 

Since I have also been through the divorce process with my husband (as we are divorced by my choice) and I have seen the worst of him through these eyes. You know that saying you never really know what a person is capable of until you divorce them? Well its true. I have prooven that to myself. I divorced him because he essentially killed that marriage. I couldnt see having an anniversary to celebrate happiness and joy through tears.

 

It does not mean that I dont love him. If he plunged a dagger through my heart I would still have loved him.

 

I am divorced by my choice, and also reconcilling by my own choice.

 

I believe that there will always be a sense of distrust after everything I have been through with my husband. His was a 3 year LTA and it has been over for over a year and a half. As far as the lack of trust goes, I dont think it is him, or other women, or even the other woman. Its in me. Forever.

 

:bunny:

Posted

A lot of ppl say they would leave if their spouse had an A but they don't know that until it actually happens.

 

Actually I agree withthis statement. One truly cannot know how they would react until they have the experience. Each relationship has it's own intricacies and history. I certainly understand loving someone so much that you think you can forgive just about anything under the right circumstances.

 

I don't believe that I am personally strong enough to get past an affair. While I like to end a relationship knowing I have done everything to work it out, my self esteem is fragile at best. It has taken so much work to get even close to healthy in that area and an affair would knock me so far back that I think I would have to leave the relationship in order to survive.

 

A decade ago, I thought I would be able to recover and forgive. My self esteem was low then and now that I have some I feel that I deserve someone who would at least leave me if he wanted any kind of relationship with someone else. Leaving me would be painful enough, but cheating on me would be far worse.

 

At this point in my life there will be no shared children to consider as I cannot have more children. That may play into my feelings on the subject. I also have no interest in marriage, which may make me more susceptible to leaving a cheater than a married person. I have no shared finances nor assets. Leaving a relationship would be as easy as saying "goodbye and don't contact me for any reason." All of these things make me pretty certain that cheating is a definite deal breaker for me. But as stated in my second sentence I would only know if it happened to me.

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Posted

Thanks crimson for the reply. It's nice to hear a man's POV on it.

 

RMD you sound like a very strong woman and I applaud you for being that way.

 

My self-esteem wasn't very high b4 the A and when I found out about the A it plummeted even lower. However, since I was in so much pain I couldn't eat therefore I lost 30 lbs in about 2 months. I was back to my prepregnancy weight and looking great, if I do say so myself. My self-esteem actually started getting better and I was at the point where I knew I could find a good man but wasn't ready to start dating again. My main focus was my kids.

 

I'm afraid if I say something to H about it he would think I was crazy, insecure, and stupid for thinking he would have an A again, especially w/ her. Even my mom who knows this woman really well didn't like the idea of him going to the game w/ her. Not b/c of her, but just the fact he went w/ another woman.

 

This morning H wasn't home from work on time. He always calls me shortly after he gets off on his way home. As I was ready to leave he called and I asked him what was going on. In so many words I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He told me he would never do that to me again and he swear on a Bible (or something familiar) that he wouldn't do that again. I laughed and told him he swore on a Bible right in front of me that he wasn't having an A w/ the xOW when he was so I don't buy that BS anymore. H not only lied to me about having an A w/ her but to his lawyer. It was lie after lie after lie about the two of them. The xOW lied to me every time I called her. I was played a fool by both of them but it hurt and pissed me off more that my H was lying. I could see why the xOW lied though. As for H, he lied b/c he said he didn't want to hurt me w/ the truth. I would have rather known the truth than being lied to.

Posted
PS I am not a trusting person anymore. It's not so much that I dont trust him but I'm jaded by everybody. The world is a cold place. One of the things that helped the OW was the pretenses. Why would anyone put up such an effort to support him and help lie about his whereabouts and promise not to call him at home. Meet with him and wait for him, days, weeks, whatever it takes. I dont know I couldnt live like that.

 

The OW talks in her letter about starting out as friends and then crossing the line and that afterwards nothing mattered.

 

"By then (D-Day) you were already divorcing him (we were seperated) and thought we had the chance for something special and said you would take him for all his money so I kept quiet, but he played me and like a fool I believed him... Paybacks a bitch..."

 

Trust. Ha. My innocence is lost. The only person you can trust is yourself.

 

:bunny:

 

My innocence is lost as well....what a great post that I can surely relate to.

 

Cheers!

Posted

Rooster Dar & Mopar Crazy Girl - You just gotta be tough to survive. That doesnt mean you have to be hard (or wishy washy) but you have to be conscious of your surroundings and the opportunites at play. Mopar listen to your mom. She knows what it's all about. I just dont lend myself to trust anymore. The affair was pretty much of an awakening for me. If there is ever a bitch riding in his truck the next time, it had better just be me! LOL

 

Love yas

 

:bunny:

  • Author
Posted
Rooster Dar & Mopar Crazy Girl - You just gotta be tough to survive. That doesnt mean you have to be hard (or wishy washy) but you have to be conscious of your surroundings and the opportunites at play. Mopar listen to your mom. She knows what it's all about. I just dont lend myself to trust anymore. The affair was pretty much of an awakening for me. If there is ever a bitch riding in his truck the next time, it had better just be me! LOL

 

Love yas

 

:bunny:

 

 

You sound a lot like my sis. She is one tough woman and I wish I was born w/ some of her strength instead of her having it all.

 

I think my mom is thinking the same as me. As for this woman I wonder what her own H would think of her giving my H a ride? I wonder if he even knows. And if he does, does it bother him also?

Posted

Your inner strength will grow and grow, just be patient and take each challenge as it comes, but take each one head on. Learn to overcome your FEAR. Find your voice and use it.

 

Communitcate! Communicate! Communitcate!

 

He can't learn anything if he doesnt have a good teacher. I had to explain it very gently to Romeo that it wasnt just a coincidence (much less a mysterious fate or chance) that OW just happened to be at the post office at break time everyday when he was there. He simply became too predictable. You could set your watch by him.

 

I had to explain to him there are hundreds of womens magazines on the do's and donts of men and women's relationships. Buy a Cosmo or Glamour and show him what its all about like I did. Remove all of the illusions.

 

Later Romeo said he yelled at her for stalking him the next time he had caught her doing it. She denied it, but he stood his ground "I know what youre doing! I'm not stupid!" he said. As though he had known this all along. LOL The sad part was, he didnt know anything about women. He thought it was special.

 

The FWS has to learn good boundary skills. Of course he isnt thinking of having an affair with his co-captian. It doesnt happen that way. Thats why affairs are so insidious. It is the last person you would expect. Tell him that it just makes him appear available to other women. Doesnt she have a car of her own? At the very least, just tell him it makes you uncomfortable and ask him to drive to the games solo. There shouldnt be a problem after that.

 

And wether or not her husband knows (or cares) is irrelevant. You and your FWS have to become proactive. One marriage is hard enough to manage. You cant babysit hers as well.

 

:bunny:

  • Author
Posted

LOL, my H wouldn't be caught dead reading a woman's magazine!

 

Your H's OW was an immature twit! Waiting for him at the post office every day???? WTF? I didn't even do that when I was single and had a crush on a man. If he wanted me bad enough, he would have to come to me. She was stalking him and she was stupid for trying to deny that she wasn't.

 

I wasn't a bit surprised my H had an A w/ his co-worker. I didn't think it would ever happen, but wasn't surprised it had. She couldn't keep her hands off him and she always flirted w/ him. For three years she was attracted to him. From the day he started working where she worked.

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