lilbo Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Ok here's the story: One of my best friends that ive known since kidnergarten( we are now 22) has recently been cheating on her man. They have had twins together , they are almost 1 years old. The person she is cheating on him with.. is his brother. Its very disturbing for me to go to there house and see her man come home from work after a 12 hour shift on a farm.. and see him rub HER feet knowing(me knowing not him) what she has been doing with his brother. He is a very sweet guy, he wants to marry her and build her a house.I've tryed talking to her and telling her it isnt right what she is doing. She says she is just not in love with him anymore. Sometimes she is really mean to him also for just no reason at all and picks fights over the smallest things. Anyways I guess what im asking advice on is , Should I tell him or no? Really I know it isnt my business but its just one of the saddest things I've ever seen done to a person. I dont want to stab one of my best friends in the back also. I also think of the baby twins. She has no sorce of income besides her man and she would probley be awarded custody because of his job hours. How would she be able to support them? Comments/Suggestions would be appreciated.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Its simple really. Put yourself in his position. Would you want to know if you were in the H's position? He is being used by this woman. He is being made a fool of by this woman. He is wasting his life trying to love and provide for a woman who sneaks off like a cur in heat and f*cks his own brother behind his back. If you were facing the rest of your life with a person like this, wouldn't you want to know? This guy deserves a better shot at life than to be made a fool of like this by both his W and his brother? Now I can see how someone could say "Its none of your business, stay out of it" but I say you tell him. You'll have to have something more than word of mouth though, or he's going to shoot right into denial. His W will be able to skillfully lie to him and make him think you are the liar, because his brain is going to want to believe her, not you. No one wants to believe that they are married to someone who could do something like that. You'll need specifics - things that he can verify: times, dates, frequency of f*cks, etc. Write down what you know, all of it. Do it anonymously, if you have to - but I think this guy needs to know that his life is being wasted right out from under him by this woman. I wouldn't worry about her right now. I don't think he is going to just boot this woman and their kids out of the home, but I do think that you'll see this affair come to a sudden and abrupt halt. Perhaps then, they can try to repair the damage.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I'm not sure what to tell you about that. In a way, it's not your place to tell him. Even though it's got to be a crappy position for you to be in, where you can SEE another person being treated so poorly. I think if I were you, I'd dump the friend. Alot of cheaters can't understand why a person wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore... but when you get to the point where you just don't have all that much in common at the core level, it's understandable. If you aren't the kind of person who could USE somebody like that, than you just don't have enough in common anymore to make the friendship truly meaningful. Further, your "friend" has put you in a postion in which your core values are in direct conflict causing internal discomfort. Not nice. Involving yourself in this debacle could end up making YOU feel responsible for the fallout. What if violence ensues? Is that something you can live with? Obviously, the right thing to do for the betrayed spouse is to make sure he finds out. But... you didn't create this problem, and you aren't responsible for solving it. You're just an innocent bystander. I can't feel good about advising you to put yourself in an even more awkward position. If it helps you any, most cheaters do manage to get caught all on their own. Although, if her husband bumps into you out in the world and wonders why you don't hang out with his wife anymore, you might answer him quite darkly..."She's not the kind of person I'd want to be friends with anymore." He'd have to scratch his head and wonder.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Infidelity thrives in secrecy. If it were me, even with my best friend in mind, I would tell before the affair gets out of hand. Like LJ said so well, I would really be mad at my friend if she put me in this position because she knows how I feel about it. Luckily my best friend is exactly like me (heheheh yes! I have a twin!) and she knows how bad affairs are, and I'm telling you, even if her husband beat her ass every night, I know my best friend well enough to know that she would never cheat on her husband. Shes got a huge heart. The longer they keep the secret the more damage it will be on the family as a whole. I know that based on my own experiences. They say that the longer an affair continues, the harder it is to recover. Others are different, some people would take a ONS (one night stand) and cry buckets of tears over it, divorce them in a heartbeat, even without any emotional intimacy exchanged. That would be the dealbreaker. Look at it this way... One one hand, It's possible that she loves her husband very much, and very deeply and she has alot going for herself where she is now, but has downplayed and compartmentalized all of that for the fantasy of love, of having a man who would risk throwing his family away and build a house for her. So on the other hand, telling him may or may not even change things. The affair partners may have very strong feelings for each other also, and may make them fight harder to keep it, wether its right or wrong to anybody outside of their circle. In other words, even if she is found out the affair may continue underground. Its up to them how they are going to handle their problems. It may or may not end the affair. Then again, not all infidelities end up in divorce (as they were expected to) and either way I highly doubt those babies will suffer without a mom and a dad, even if they seperated and divorced. That shouldnt be your reason not to tell. I guess this leaves you with a moral dillema of your own. Nobody is judging you, but it is you who will have to judge yourself in the end.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 While I'm in agreement that the best way to end an affair is to end the secrecy surrounding it, it seems to me that some of the advice given to the OP is more in the best interest of the betrayed spouse in this scenario than it is in her best interest. She's not responsible for any of this. She didn't choose to cheat on anyone. I think it's a bit unfair to expect her to force her own sense of morality onto other people. What's the difference in asking her to forward her own religious beliefs? ... or her political agenda? Hey, I'm right there with you in my distaste for infidelity. But even though some of us might consider cheating to be a moral crime, it's not usually a legal one... particularly when the principle parties are unmarried. This isn't a situation in which the OP has seen a crime committed and is legally obligated to report her knowlege of it to authorities. I don't think she's in the wrong if she chooses to walk away from this. That said, I don't think she's right to stand by as an unwilling accomplice to something she's clearly uncomfortable with either.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I was thinking about this thread, and I realized that I actually do have a similar experience to offer. It was years ago and I was still in my teens. But, I was in the most serious relationship I'd had to date and was actually living with the guy I was cheating on. (I'm not proud of it... but I was quite the cheater back in those days ) Anyway, when I told my best friend about it... she kicked me to the curb on the spot. It hurt my feelings dreadfully. I couldn't understand why she'd do that and I wasn't at all open to her explanation, which was essentially... "If this is the person that you are, we are too different to be friends". Anyway, she didn't inform my S/O, but she did move on. And it wasn't until many years later that I could see her point. Today, I can see that she handled it very gracefully. If she HAD taken it upon herself to inform my S/O... the situation would most definitely have escalated. I would certainly have confronted her in a very angry manner, and hot-headed as I was back in those days.. if she had even looked at me wrong during that confrontation, I'd have whipped her ass or she'd have had to whip mine. Infidelity is a volatile issue. And who knows? ...our OP might actually be able to revisit this friendship one day. People do change. But that's certainly out of the question if she escalates the tension now. In the end, I think she needs to do what's right for herself, and not take on anxiety or responsibility for the choices of others.
Sup Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 But why should this guy be stuck with a cheater? He wants to marry this woman, little does he know, he shouldn't. That would be a BIG waste of his time, and effort.
Sup Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 By the way, there is someone in these forums whose wife cheated on him when they were engaged. He's REALLY HOT about it right now......
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 But why should this guy be stuck with a cheater? He wants to marry this woman, little does he know, he shouldn't. That would be a BIG waste of his time, and effort. I get what you're saying, Sup. And it sucks that this guy is out working 12 hours a day, just so his brother can get laid.
Sup Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 So WHY shouldn't she tell this guy about his future wife, unless I misread....
Road Rage Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 This situation is twofold. Infidelity by a partner and betrayal by a brother. This guy gets hit with a double whammy! I don`t know what to do but let me say the result could be a murder. Not kidding here. Tread very carefully. I seem to be the first guy to respond to this thread. Women may be underestimating the potential for violence.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 So WHY shouldn't she tell this guy about his future wife, unless I misread.... She needs to do what's right for HER. That's all I'm saying. She didn't make this problem. And she's at no obligation to fix it. Frankly, I don't see how this poor shmuck could end up any more bound to his cheating girlfriend by marriage than he ALREADY is by virtue of fatherhood. He's stuck dealing with this b*tch for the rest of his life either way it goes.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 This situation is twofold. Infidelity by a partner and betrayal by a brother. This guy gets hit with a double whammy! I don`t know what to do but let me say the result could be a murder. Not kidding here. Tread very carefully. I seem to be the first guy to respond to this thread. Women may be underestimating the potential for violence. Good points. Emotions are unpredicable in situations like this. Another moment I'm not too proud of... but way back in the day, I put my cigarette out on a guy's FACE because he'd try to cop a feel. Back then, I was willing to fight... and I didn't give a crap about the odds. That guy could have literally KILLED me. But I was young, impetuous, and feeling immortal.
Sup Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 She needs to do what's right for HER. That's all I'm saying. She didn't make this problem. And she's at no obligation to fix it. Frankly, I don't see how this poor shmuck could end up any more bound to his cheating girlfriend by marriage than he ALREADY is by virtue of fatherhood. He's stuck dealing with this b*tch for the rest of his life either way it goes. True, she didn't make the problem. But, who says that those ARE his kids? I mean she could leave a note, with NO name, nothing but the facts. In a place where ONLY he can find the note, and that he WOULD see it within hours of being left there, just make sure that it's taped to the spot where you leave it, closing a door could knock it off the table, or something, and make sure that it's addressed to HIM, so he'll read it.
Author lilbo Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 First off let me start with a thank you for all your comments and thoughts. Some things I've been thinking of since I posted this. My best friend has came from a family that tends to use men, mabey this is the root of the problem I'll go into further detail. Her mother since I've known her (since i was age 5) has married men then divorced them and took half of there stuff. Her sister is a stripper(I'm in no way dissing strippers here..) and thre was this one time a guy offered her sister 5 grand to sleep with her and my friend made this comment. "I'd have slept with him for 5 g's wouldnt you have? Hell thats a lot of money." I responded no... What I think im going to try with my friend thou is this: I have another best friend this is also Amy's best friend, the 3 of us are very close. I've talked to Beth about this and we both agree to try and talk it out with her and what her actions may cause. I'm not using real names here so no worries. I really don't feel I could drop her as my friend, she has been there for some pretty hard times in my life. Her man could become violent. He drinks occasionally and when he gets mad he has been known to get violent. One time that comes into my mind was when he got violet with his brother and ended up getting sent to jail. Recently my other best friend Beth was severely beaten by her H and put in a neck brace really don't want to see a repeat of such a thing. Its a very touchy issue, it is hard for me to decide. No matter what the outcome no one wins.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 First off let me start with a thank you for all your comments and thoughts. Some things I've been thinking of since I posted this. My best friend has came from a family that tends to use men, mabey this is the root of the problem I'll go into further detail. Her mother since I've known her (since i was age 5) has married men then divorced them and took half of there stuff. Her sister is a stripper(I'm in no way dissing strippers here..) and thre was this one time a guy offered her sister 5 grand to sleep with her and my friend made this comment. "I'd have slept with him for 5 g's wouldnt you have? Hell thats a lot of money." I responded no... What I think im going to try with my friend thou is this: I have another best friend this is also Amy's best friend, the 3 of us are very close. I've talked to Beth about this and we both agree to try and talk it out with her and what her actions may cause. I'm not using real names here so no worries. I really don't feel I could drop her as my friend, she has been there for some pretty hard times in my life. Her man could become violent. He drinks occasionally and when he gets mad he has been known to get violent. One time that comes into my mind was when he got violet with his brother and ended up getting sent to jail. Recently my other best friend Beth was severely beaten by her H and put in a neck brace really don't want to see a repeat of such a thing. Its a very touchy issue, it is hard for me to decide. No matter what the outcome no one wins. I think that this approach is the best one that you could choose in staying with the spirit of friendship and staying true to yourself...Good luck...Your friend is very lucky to have you...I hope that she hears what you have to say...
crazy_grl Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Frankly, I don't see how this poor shmuck could end up any more bound to his cheating girlfriend by marriage than he ALREADY is by virtue of fatherhood. He's stuck dealing with this b*tch for the rest of his life either way it goes. Alimony. I agree with both the points that it seems wrong to let him unwittingly marry a person you know is screwing him over and that it's dangerous to be the messenger in this kind of situation. I think the best choice here is the suggestion to be an anonymous informant. If there's any way to get a picture or some other fairly concrete evidence to send to him anonymously, it has the most potential to make sure you leave the situation with a clear conscience and minimal fallout comes your way. But make sure it's not easily traceable back to you. I also think removing your friend from your life is a good idea. If you do the anonymous reveal though, a gradual removal would be best so that the friend doesn't get suspicious that you were the revealer.
crazy_grl Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Just read this post. I've talked to Beth about this and we both agree to try and talk it out with her and what her actions may cause. I'm not using real names here so no worries. I really don't feel I could drop her as my friend, she has been there for some pretty hard times in my life. I like your option 3 better. Sounds like a sound plan. Her man could become violent. He drinks occasionally and when he gets mad he has been known to get violent. One time that comes into my mind was when he got violet with his brother and ended up getting sent to jail. He hasn't ever gotten violent with her has he? If so, that totally changes the situation.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 My best friend has came from a family that tends to use men, mabey this is the root of the problem I'll go into further detail. Her mother since I've known her (since i was age 5) has married men then divorced them and took half of there stuff. Her sister is a stripper(I'm in no way dissing strippers here..) and thre was this one time a guy offered her sister 5 grand to sleep with her and my friend made this comment. "I'd have slept with him for 5 g's wouldnt you have? Hell thats a lot of money." I responded no... What I think im going to try with my friend thou is this: I have another best friend this is also Amy's best friend, the 3 of us are very close. I've talked to Beth about this and we both agree to try and talk it out with her and what her actions may cause. I'm not using real names here so no worries. I really don't feel I could drop her as my friend, she has been there for some pretty hard times in my life. Do you really think that your friend is going to give up a behavior that she's learned at her mother's knees... just because you have a talk with her? In your first post you happened to mention that you've already tried. What makes you think she'll lend more credence to your words if they're supported by another friend? While I find your efforts to rescue the friendship commendable, I'm also thinking they're pretty much doomed to failure. Depending on the nature of the affair, your friend will most likely tell you whatever she believes you want to hear and then go on about her business behind your back. She might argue her point for a while in the hopes that you'll agree with her... but in the end, she'll relegate you once more to the role of unwitting accomplice. Her man could become violent. He drinks occasionally and when he gets mad he has been known to get violent. One time that comes into my mind was when he got violet with his brother and ended up getting sent to jail. Now, before you take any action that will bring this affair to light... I want you to search your heart and see if you are the kind of person who would end up feeling responsible if anybody gets hurt. Let me remind you, that it's NOT knowlege of the affair that's damaging, but rather the affair itself. So, in a way, regardless of you being the messenger or not the damage is already done. Still, when I 'walk a mile in your shoes'... rational or irrational... if it was me who let the cat out of the bag, I feel like I'm responsible if this man kills his brother or my friend in a fit of rage. Feelings don't always have to make sense in order to feel REAL to us, right? So, spend a few minutes creatively visualizing possible scenarios before you proceed. Recently my other best friend Beth was severely beaten by her H and put in a neck brace really don't want to see a repeat of such a thing. Your friend "Beth" needs to call the domestic crisis hotline and get out of her situation. NEVER let a man beat on you and get away with it. Its a very touchy issue, it is hard for me to decide. No matter what the outcome no one wins. This is true. You're in a real pickle. I can't see a way where you'll be able to tell anonymously either. If only you and your other friend are aware of what's going on, it wouldn't take more than a room-temperature IQ for the affair couple to figure out who told. And even if you don't have a problem with the confrontation that will follow, you might have to deal with whatever internal feelings you might have if violence ensues. Crazy_grl brought up a good point about alimony. The guy is a farm hand, so I don't think he'd pay much... but still, it's probably more than he can afford. If the wedding isn't imminent though, there's still time for him to find out on his own. Let's face it, if a person is having an affair with her S/O's BROTHER... it's fairly unlikely that she's got wits enough to not get caught all on her own. But if she somehow manages to beat the odds, you can always give her the "Either you tell him or I will!" ultimatum before you stand by and let him walk down the aisle. It would seem you've still got time. On a separate note, you seem to run with a fairly violent crowd who apparently don't make a habit of good choices. There's an old adage that goes like this: "If you lay down with dogs... you're likely to get up with fleas." That sounds insensitive, I know. But it's still true in alot of ways. You're young. And I think you'll find, as time goes by, that your priorities and values will become a bit more important to you internally. As you strengthen and learn to stay true to them, you're going to find that some people will be incompatible with your beliefs. It's unfortunate, but true. And as long as these old friends are taking up space in your life, they're something of an impediment to new and possibly better friends who can actually go the distance with you. For myself, I didn't meet my life-long friends until after I had matured more, well into my middle 20's.
Sup Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 I agree that you should tell her: "If you don't tell, I will" But shouldn't this kind of thing be done in the presence of many people, like his family, her family, So even if he does get violent, there would be enough people to restrain him, and calm him down. He should get DNA testing on those children.
Green Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Its sick that situations like this exist but I mean look whose involved the guys wife type person(has 2 of his kids) and his bros. I would just stop hanging out with this gf of yours and forgive and forget all of this. The brother of the guy or the mother of the guys 2 children should come clean about whats happening. its not your place just forget these people its a sad story. If this guy was your friend, or your brother, or some one you had a relationship with then maybe you should tell. And oh yeah if telling is the only way your going to be able to move on with your life then yes go ahead and tell other wise dont
Guest Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 how would you want to be treated? Treat others that way.
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