CrossRhodes Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I am so confused. My marriage of 11 years is very definitely in crisis. We've been in counselling on and off right throughout the marriage. We've argued incessantly, and even though many people perceived us to be a wonder-couple from the outside, we've been tearing each other apart for ages. One of the really big problems we've had is our appalling sex-life - virtually non-existant. We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon! Eventually, all the fighting and hurtful words took their toll on me and I found that my tender feelings towards my wife died. I still cared about her, but something had changed in me. A year ago, I had an emotional affair with a co-worker. To be honest, I fell in love with her and even though we ended up icing the affair after a few months, I found it hard to kill my feelings for her. I know that we won't end up together but she had a profound impact on me and I still think about her a lot. Soon after the affair ended, I went to a doctor about my depression. She started asking me about my marriage and she was horrified at the little I divulged. She said "that's not a marriage" and she said flat out we should end it. Our marriage counsellor agreed, although his take has always been to dismantle the "old marriage" and to start trying to build something new. In September, I moved out into a house of my own. At first it was scary and lonely, but I find now I prefer the arrangement. My wife and I still see each other regularly, even staying over at each other's houses sometimes. But I have never really regained my tender feelings for my wife. We pretend we are dating but my feelings towards her are so confused - sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes anger, sometimes guilt, sometimes annoyance. Invariably, I feel a bit uncomfortable. I think one of the big reasons we stayed together was because we each provided the other with a "safe harbour", a respite from the big scary world around us. I'm still scared, but I'm getting less scared e.g. I am now thinking of working overseas. We have no children by the way. So, here I am, confused as heck. In spite of my EA, she forgives me and wants a future. We talk openly and honestly. She loves me dearly and shows it. She wants a stable, "boring" relationship, whereas I want some excitement and passion. I am scared that I might be throwing something very valuable away and it scares me witless. I feel so strange walking away from a relationship that seems to still have connection and trust. Aren't you only supposed to walk away from relationships in anger? Can anyone please help me make sense of all of this?
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I am scared that I might be throwing something very valuable away and it scares me witless. I feel so strange walking away from a relationship that seems to still have connection and trust. Aren't you only supposed to walk away from relationships in anger? The reason you feel like you're throwing something valuable away is that you most likely are. It's a rare thing to find someone who loves us and wants us... warts and all. That said, if you REALLY don't want this woman, and if you can't imagine ANY circumstances that would make your relationship with her work... you're wasting her time. She's already put in 11 years that she might otherwise have invested in someone who valued her more. How much more of her life are you going to let her waste? Yeah, she going to argue back and try to hold on. She loves you. But if you don't love her back the way she deserves... her love is misspent. You're going to need to be more firm with your resolve, and then get into strict NO CONTACT. Don't hold off on serving the papers either. Be clear with your intentions.
Author CrossRhodes Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks LadyJane. As I just wrote to someone else, depression makes decision-making very difficult. I've started NC last night and I feel like such a bastard. I want my wife to be happy and I know my heart isn't in the marriage any more. I want to free her up for something better. I want to get well, to be "normal" again and be in a position one day to have another relationship, whether it's with her or someone else. She is a wonderful person and she doesn't deserve this endless indecision from me. I'm going to miss her as a friend though ... she's been my best friend forever
OldEurope Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I am sorry, but I have no idea why people hang on to marriages where, as you describe, it is years and years and years of horror and fighting, no intimacy and all around stressed out emotional abuse. Then, suddenly faced with the "big scary world", as you put it, one spouse or another starts professing "love". If any word has become more cheapened in this world--other than the much-maligned "democracy"--it is the word "love". What, exactly, is this love your wife says she has? Where was it in this 11 year "marriage"? "To love, honor and respect" is the vow we make at marriage. It is not a license to use and abuse someone and then all at once announce, "Oh, yeah, I love you!" when comfy security is under threat. The world, by the way, is not so "big and scary". It is dynamic, difficult and thrilling. It is the stuff of centuries of emperors, artists and freedom fighters and it is to be respected. But if you are going to view "the world" like some scared bird ducking his head into the sand with every little upset that rolls around, then, yes, you are going to settle for fourth, fifth, tenth best in your personal relationships. I say, formally separate from one an another and see how it goes for a while. In the meantime, look up this old girlfriend, start platonically, no affair, and see how she is. If she made such a wonderful impact on your life, why and how would you not want to see her? OE
Author CrossRhodes Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 OE, the reason you don't understand this kind of odd behaviour is because you probably don't know what it's like to live with lowered self-esteem and confidence. It's like a negative filter on the world. Dynamic becomes turbulent, challenging becomes impossible and thrilling becomes anxious. The world stops being a myriad of exciting possibilities and you cling to what you know best. Even in light of this, I think you are being overly harsh about my wife. We did the best we could given our upbringings and our temperaments. The fact we stayed together this long is kind of amazing in a way - I think it says a lot for our determination to keep trying. My wife didn't suddenly come out with professions of love when we went into crisis. She withdrew from me and I ended up having an EA. We got extensive counselling and she swallowed her pride and wanted to give me another chance. I think it's remarkable, and even though I find myself still wanting out, I have enormous regard for her, for who she is as a person. I think it would do me a world of good to travel, to see some of the world and shake my life up. I think I need to do that on my own too, because my tendency is to hide inside the marriage. It's time for me to stand up on my own two feet - something I have done now for 4 months, but I need to know that I can manage emotionally on my own too. As much as I would love to start up with my EA girlfriend, I don't think it is the right time for that. I am still quite shaky from the separation and I don't want to deliver myself up to her all broken. She'd only reject me anyway in that state. I think I need to let my EA girlfriend go too for a while, and sort myself out. I am trying to keep things very platonic with her, but I only manage that by hiding my true feelings from her. When I have things sorted out, I would very much like to approach her again and see if we can have a proper relationship. I've never really understood why I like her so much, but I just do! It's been that way for 2 years now. She's extremely smart, with a dry wit and the most appealing schoolyard playfulness ... sigh
OldEurope Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I am so confused. My marriage of 11 years is very definitely in crisis. We've been in counselling on and off right throughout the marriage. We've argued incessantly, and even though many people perceived us to be a wonder-couple from the outside, we've been tearing each other apart for ages. One of the really big problems we've had is our appalling sex-life - virtually non-existant. We didn't even have sex on our honeymoon! Eventually, all the fighting and hurtful words took their toll on me and I found that my tender feelings towards my wife died. ...Soon after the affair ended, I went to a doctor about my depression. She started asking me about my marriage and she was horrified at the little I divulged. She said "that's not a marriage" and she said flat out we should end it. Our marriage counsellor agreed, although his take has always been to dismantle the "old marriage" and to start trying to build something new. In September, I moved out into a house of my own. At first it was scary and lonely, but I find now I prefer the arrangement. My wife and I still see each other regularly, even staying over at each other's houses sometimes. But I have never really regained my tender feelings for my wife. We pretend we are dating but my feelings towards her are so confused - sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes anger, sometimes guilt, sometimes annoyance. Invariably, I feel a bit uncomfortable Okay Cross Rhodes....As I said: Don't get it and never will. Good luck to you both
Author CrossRhodes Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Thanks OE, I'm not exactly clear on the point you are making but I still got something out of your earlier reply. I thought I should provide a quick update on my situation. My W and I tried a bit of temporary NC this week. It lasted 3 days and it helped us both to realise that we can survive emotionally without the other. I know 3 days is not long, but it's new for us. So we have decided to treat each other as "friends" officially now and see how that goes. I have let go, and we are now free to date other people should we want to. For now, neither of us seems ready to do that, but it's liberating to reach this understanding. We no longer have expectations of sex inside our arrangement and that has taken lots of pressure off. We've come a long way in the last 2 years and I have lots of hope now for both of us. I can honestly say I am not invested in the outcome either way - if we end up together or with other people, it's not important. I just would like us both to be fulfilled and enjoying life, and I know my W feels the same way. I actually have hope again.
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