MoonGirl Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Hello! I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I certainly think many people in this forum have dealt with something like this, so maybe you can offer some good advice. I have a good friend who has a daughter with an "evil" ex girlfriend. He is 34. They have been broken up for 2 years, but the ex girlfriend still attempts to control everything he does. He allows her to control him to a huge extent because he is afraid that his ex will use his daughter as a pawn against him. Last night, my friend's mom talked to me because she is very concerned because my friend has not been able to succesfully keep a woman around because his ex girlfriend is always in the picture. I think she spoke to me about this because she knows I am interested in a relationship with her son, and she likes me very much. I am also worried about his ex girlfriend. I know that he doesn't love her or even like her, but he does many things to appease her craziness because they have a child together. Here's my question. If I were to date this friend of mine (in the future, of course), what is a realistic expectation I should have regarding the contact he has with his "evil" ex? How can I help encourage an amount of contact between the two of them that I feel comfortable with? Right now, the ex calls him daily stating that she's checking up on their daughter (which I am okay with as long as the topic stays with the daughter). But she then tries to create tension, arguing about irrelevant topics (like religion and abortion, etc), and keeps him on the phone for hours. If he hangs up, she'll call back again and again. She insists on one-on-one "monthly review meetings" to keep up on their interactions with one another and to discuss their daughter. If she knows my friend is out with someone (either me or ANYONE else) she will call and call and call and then make up some excuse why he is needed (daughter is sick, she is sick, etc). She will also call when his daughter is with her, stating that the daughter misses him SO much and loves him. He thinks this is sweet, but I feel she has her own interests in mind (I think this because I would NEVER call my ex to tell him our kids miss and love him). She also insists that they (she, him, and their daughter) spend time as a "family" every now and then. She constantly reminds him of women he slept with BEFORE he was with her and gets furious every time he looks at another woman or talks to another woman. The funny thing about her is that she is the one who dumped him and she has told him again and again she doesn't want him back ever. She also encourages him to attend her older child's events (not his daughter) and sometimes he goes because he fears she will get angry with him and then not allow him to see their daughter. I know he does not love her, and I know that he would never speak to her if it weren't for his daughter. He thinks she is nuts, but makes tons of excuses for her because she had a rough childhood. I am sad that he is not able to stand up for himself. His whole family is sick of it and can't understand why he puts up with all of this. My thought on the topic. I would be okay with it if he only spoke to his ex regarding pick-up and drop-off arrangements for their child as well as any child-related issues. I am not okay with him meeting her for lunch, "monthly review meetings" or anything else. I am not okay with him spending "family" time with their daughter, and I am not okay with him attending his ex's older daughter's events (not his kid). Am I unreasonable? If I am not unreasonable, how can I ask him to stop doing the things I dislike in a way he might listen. I really would like to date him in the future once he and I are both more stable, but I have to know that he will make a real effort to make me the most important woman in his life. Please note that I KNOW that his daughter is #1 and I think she is a wonderful little person. I just don't think he has to constantly appease his ex to have a good relationship with his daughter. Sorry about the long post and thanks for reading and any advice!
Mz. Pixie Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 First of all, she's not the problem, he is. In the fact that he could put a stop to this if he wanted to- he simply doesn't want to. But she then tries to create tension, arguing about irrelevant topics (like religion and abortion, etc), and keeps him on the phone for hours. If he hangs up, she'll call back again and again. Totally unacceptable. The conversations she has with him should only be about the child. Period. She insists on one-on-one "monthly review meetings" to keep up on their interactions with one another and to discuss their daughter This is a gray area to me. It would be okay for them to spend time as a family together for things like birthday parties and such. Not just for him to hang out with her. I wouldn't have a problem with him being at important events with her but that would be about it. His visitation should be separate from her. She constantly reminds him of women he slept with BEFORE he was with her and gets furious every time he looks at another woman or talks to another woman. The funny thing about her is that she is the one who dumped him and she has told him again and again she doesn't want him back ever This type of talk is totally inappropriate and he shouldn't be having it with her. She also encourages him to attend her older child's events (not his daughter) and sometimes he goes because he fears she will get angry with him and then not allow him to see their daughter He needs to go to court and get a good custody agreement and quit tip toeing around her. That will prevent all of that kind of crap. He thinks she is nuts, but makes tons of excuses for her because she had a rough childhood. I am sad that he is not able to stand up for himself. His whole family is sick of it and can't understand why he puts up with all of this. Making excuses for her??? Sounds like he still cares about her. I certainly do not make excuses about my ex to my husband. My thought on the topic. I would be okay with it if he only spoke to his ex regarding pick-up and drop-off arrangements for their child as well as any child-related issues. I am not okay with him meeting her for lunch, "monthly review meetings" or anything else. I am not okay with him spending "family" time with their daughter, and I am not okay with him attending his ex's older daughter's events (not his kid). Am I unreasonable? If he was close with the other child he shouldn't just "drop her" because he's not with her mom- that wouldn't be good for her. I would not be good with lunch or dinner or any of the extra conversations he doesn't need to have with her in the first place. Their conversations should be about the child. If he feels like he should spend time with the other child he can ask her mother if he can have her for the weekend or for a bit of visitation. She doesn't have to be present for him to spend time with his kids. If I am not unreasonable, how can I ask him to stop doing the things I dislike in a way he might listen. I really would like to date him in the future once he and I are both more stable, but I have to know that he will make a real effort to make me the most important woman in his life. Please note that I KNOW that his daughter is #1 and I think she is a wonderful little person. I just don't think he has to constantly appease his ex to have a good relationship with his daughter You tell him just like you told us. That all of the conversations he has with her are totally inappropriate and makes you feel not respected in the relationship. I personally do not believe he's emotionally ready to turn that relationship loose or to make it only about the kid- or he would have already done so probably. I think there is still some emotional baggage there that he needs to work through. I would personally be good with the meetings every once in a while and him spending time with both children- but again, she doesn't have to be present for this to happen. Any type of conversations about who he screwed or what he's done shouldn't be happening. Just so you know- I'm a step parent myself and I'm answering based on how I would feel if I were in that situation. Neither my husband now, or myself have that much contact with our exes. He should be there for the kids, yes, but he doesn't have to be there for her or listen to her crap.
Author MoonGirl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Thanks for your insight Mz Pixie! I know the problem has a lot to do with my friend, too. The reason he doesn't want to go to court for custody is that right now he has his daughter about 70-80% of the time and pays no child support. In our state they award custody to one parent and the other parent gets to see the kid every other weekend and one eveing per week - typically the custodial parent is the mother. He is afraid that any court ruling will decrease the time he gets with his daughter and that he will also end up paying a ton of child support. His ex is certainly the type of gal to have a big battle about it if he takes her to court. So sad.
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