shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I have to admit I have screwed up big time. I spent all night reading all the great posts on getting your ex back, developed a plan and then completely blew it. I hate myself so much right now... For those of you that have been following, we have had a couple of great IMs after she broke NC. At first she lashed out because I was being indifferent on what my dating life consisted of, stating she was getting married in June and logged off. Later apologized and we have spent two days flattering each other. Well today I get on for my daily fix, starts out well as usual. But I sense the words are harder today, long gaps between. I am reaching around for some conversation. Finally, I asked her if she meant what she said about missing the specific things. She said yes, dont I beleive her? I said, yes, but I never acknowledged what it meant to me. I then mentioned I missed being on the deck and playing old love songs. she said she has thought of that often. Of course then we start rambling along about magical memories and I say something about there could be plenty more. I get a sorry....I then panic, we go threw things we could do better but I sense her putting the walls up. She admits the new guy is available and knows people she knows, but there is no common interests. I ask her if she wants to spend the rest of her life with that? Regrets etc..Just says she can't think about it, too confused. I then really blow it, I tell her everything wrong is fixable, we have pages and pages on magical moments and basically a paragraph about what is wrong. Mainly communication inability. I then say the worst three words I could say, I love you... She says she can't think about that right now, we will talk later and logs off...................... Anyone in a similar spot, read the posts and don't make my mistake......... If I could just rewind the clock a couple of hours.................
slimmontana Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 It happens man..you fell off the wagon you just have to get back on..You have to go no contact..clear your head..Just remember to make small talk when u do talk to her and don't bring up anything about the relationship until she does and be very matter of fact about it. Getting someone back is a process is not a one shot deal....I definitely don't think you blew it for good. Just Stay cool.
Author shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Probably not the best response, but I sent a brief email. I apologized for going overboard, I just got caught up in the last few Im's and memeories and I really missed that. I understand we are both confused and truly want you to find happiness.
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 stating she was getting married in June This is all you really need.. Why are you trying to get someone back that has moved on ? She is getting married. If she contacts you again you just simply state that you don't think it is a good idea speaking to one another with her pending marriage. Then practice NC.. that is No Contact.. it means No Contact.. NC doesn't mean you let her contact you.. it means No Contact.. I would give different advice about the NC if she wasn't getting married.. but she is.. Sorry...
RocketMan2 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Im sure we all know this business isnt an exact science, but I wouldnt be so confident that you completely blew it. Maybe this is what was needed anyway? Do the NC thing, you've told her how you feel. She needs time to mull it over. Don't be so negative, but dont get your hopes up either :s Rocket
Author shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Art, I really think the getting married was just a slam to get a rise out of me. She has been with this guy a month?? She is not even that desperate. She was obviously upset about my non committal about dating. I also don't think she would have behaved the way she has the last two days if she was already working on a pending marriage. And she definitely would not have admitted the grass isn't greener or that there is no common interests. She slammed that comment out and immediately logged off. She later apologized. O guess I should ask her if it is true. I am not making excuses, she is just completely confused.
Author shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Im sure we all know this business isnt an exact science, but I wouldnt be so confident that you completely blew it. Maybe this is what was needed anyway? Do the NC thing, you've told her how you feel. She needs time to mull it over. Don't be so negative, but dont get your hopes up either :s Rocket Thanks Rocket!!
RocketMan2 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I dont know the situation, but from the impression i get i dont really think it was wrong at all. Admittedly, if you wanted to spring the "i love you" card, then maybe it could have been better planned, but what use is a plan anyway? its all mind games at the end of the day that are just going to wind you up more. Think about it. Youve both been enjoying remenissing, then you get soppy and let it out. That wouldn't push me away, but it might kick me in the ass into making a decision (for which she'll need time apart). If she decides not to be with you, it wont be because you "messed up". How did you mess up? She'll be ending it knowing that you love her. If thats the case then theres nothing more you can do (and if there is, its nothing to do with this so stop beating yourself up). Just make sure you stay away from the pity/guilt approach. Im sure you are, but be strong! Show her youre a MAN, whos confident, knows what he wants and is prepared to do anything to get it! Show her you care for her, but dont let that be the main focus of your pitch. Being a blubbering mess wont attract her back. It will just make her feel guilty, then she'll blame herself, then it will be "oh im no good for you bla bla" you know what women get like! (sorry ladies, man-chat going on here ) Rocket
Author shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Great man talk, I have heard those comments a bunch the last couple of days. Do your parents hate me? No, why? Because I am a horrible person ____________ You deserve so much better, I knew it wouldnt be long until a girl got her claws dug into a great catch such as yourself ____________ At least you have friends, I have none so consider yourself lucky.. ____________ No response to the brief email, thats ok, I am going to get my work done and get psyched for my date tonight.
RocketMan2 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Great man talk, I have heard those comments a bunch the last couple of days. ooooooo :s Im afraid thats where my advice run out. All my attempts to ever get out of this situation have failed. It comes down to her self confidence at the end of the day, and shes probably very unlikely to be swayed by anything pro-active that you do/say. My only advice would be to do it passively. Super subtle confidence boosters when you talk to her. Mind games though at this point mate im afraid Good luck, let us know how the date goes! Ill be back in a few hours for a checkup!
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I have to admit I have screwed up big time. I spent all night reading all the great posts on getting your ex back, developed a plan and then completely blew it. I hate myself so much right now... For those of you that have been following, we have had a couple of great IMs after she broke NC. At first she lashed out because I was being indifferent on what my dating life consisted of, stating she was getting married in June and logged off. Later apologized and we have spent two days flattering each other. Well today I get on for my daily fix, starts out well as usual. But I sense the words are harder today, long gaps between. I am reaching around for some conversation. Finally, I asked her if she meant what she said about missing the specific things. She said yes, dont I beleive her? I said, yes, but I never acknowledged what it meant to me. I then mentioned I missed being on the deck and playing old love songs. she said she has thought of that often. Of course then we start rambling along about magical memories and I say something about there could be plenty more. I get a sorry....I then panic, we go threw things we could do better but I sense her putting the walls up. She admits the new guy is available and knows people she knows, but there is no common interests. I ask her if she wants to spend the rest of her life with that? Regrets etc..Just says she can't think about it, too confused. I then really blow it, I tell her everything wrong is fixable, we have pages and pages on magical moments and basically a paragraph about what is wrong. Mainly communication inability. I then say the worst three words I could say, I love you... She says she can't think about that right now, we will talk later and logs off...................... Anyone in a similar spot, read the posts and don't make my mistake......... If I could just rewind the clock a couple of hours................. This is why I said before "Keep every interaction fun and positive and never talk about the relationship." Never remind them you love them. It doesn't mean much to them right now. Always keep IMs short. Always be the first to end the conversation (leave them wanting more). Winning someone back is hard but I think you can do it THEY are open to it. And the best way to do that is not to take trips down memory lane but replace those old memories (mostly the bad) with new, good, positive ones. If you avoid talking about the past and make it fun, you create good, new memories. If you talk about her current relationship you'll end up acting like her counselor and creating resentment and you will fall into the friend zone. If you keep the conversations short, happy and few and far between you'll leave them wanting more AND thinking about you. You feeling me?
Author shockandawed Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Cali, I got it, it is in the head. Man, the door definitely opened. I just need to cool it and keep aloof. I have ended the last two on my terms and created that desire for more. Then today, I just lost it. I have re-read the IM several times, I can see the line I lost it at. Brief excerpt, everything before small talk, afterwards, relationship, stress, etc....I had asked her if she meant what she said about missing memories. Her: it's nothing that I haven't thought about in the past 6 weeks Me: seems like the memories just keep getting stronger Her: yes they do Me: you know something I miss? Her: what ? Me: sitting on the deck, wine and cheesy old songs, sharing dreams and just talking Her: yes, I've thought about that many times. Me: you have? Her: YES Me: wow Her: why does that surprise you ? Me: you just seemed so intent on moving on (lost it line) Her: that doesn't mean that I don't cherish all those special memories Me: no Her: I'm sorry Me: what about? Her: I don't know I'm just sorry Me: no need to be, we have both done stupid things From then on, I went on about not telling her everything about my ex, as far as how hard she tried to get me back, sparing her feelings, disecting communications, she admitted she now had an effortless relationship but no common interests. Asked about does she want a life of regrets and such, she is talking about small failures, I am talking about successes. Then I did the moronic.... Me: and its those things I see, I see the progress, what we have gained, where he have came in three years Her: I don't know what else to say Me: can I say something I havent said in a while Her: I guess Me: I love you Her: no, J, I can't do this right now. I'm so confused. Her: I need to get off here Me: sorry, I dont expect you to say come back Me: but I dont want you to doubt what I feel, its the lack of communicating that got us here Her: I need to go, I will talk to you later Me: ok, sorry Her: bye Me: bye
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 You are doing nothing but putting pressure on her and asking something of her that she can't give you. Driving her away in the process... you can't force her to love you dude.. She can't miss you if you never give her the chance....Pull back ..give her some air...you seem to be smothering her.. What about the other guy ? Is she still seeing him ? I guess you still are NOT following the plan !!
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 You are doing nothing but putting pressure on her and asking something of her that she can't give you. Yep. That's what he is doing when he talks about the past (memories, good times, etc). In a way that is subconciously trying to force her to rekindle feelings. All that does is backfire. If she's thinking of them on her own, that is perfect. If he is trying to force them on her, that's not a good thing. Driving her away in the process... you can't force her to love you dude. Exactly. Love is not logical. The more people try and convince an ex in a logical manner that they should come back, the more it ends up pushing them away. Love is not logical, nor is attraction. He's definitely pushing her away. She can't miss you if you never give her the chance....Pull back ..give her some air...you seem to be smothering her.. Agreed. That's why I said "leave her wanting more" not in frustration because he keeps trying to hammer logic into a very illogical feeling. What about the other guy ? Is she still seeing him ? That's a very important piece to the puzzle. I guess you still are NOT following the plan !! Not even close. The best thing for him to do right now is pull way back. Pull back so far she think he fell off the face of the earth. He needs that time to focus on himself. He's too focused on her and that never leads to reconcilliation.
Davis Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Hey Shock. I think you're way too emotional right now to say or do the right thing. I tried to explain the other day that you should do NC, but that's not what you wanted to hear. You wanted to follow your own plan of some contact. She is not getting a chance to clear her mind, think about you or miss you. I would have not responded to her IMs and so on. You should re-read all that advice on getting your ex back. You ARE pressing on her. That's one of the reasons for NC. I'm not capping on you here, just trying to help you out. I've been in your situation where I was emotional, obsessed and all I could do was think of her. Take advice from me, Art and Cali: NO CONTACT. You have to follow the plan if you want ANY shot. Saying "i love you" was over the top, but it's done now; no point beating yourself up about any of it. You've pushed, now you have to pull waayyyy back. Hang in there bro.
Author shockandawed Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 Thanks to everyone, you are correct. I know this and knew it before this morning, but Davis is right, I am too emotional to attempt it. She can get me everytime. I know no one knows me, but I am a 42 year old male, who is usually calm and even tempered. Some will say Good natured. This girl has effected me worse than any other I have ever been with. That includes an ex wife that I spent close to 20 years with. Screw her, I said the wrong thing but after all the inuendos she dropped this week, she had no right to not expect it. BTW, in case you are wondering about the newfound confidence, the date went very very well.....................................
Author shockandawed Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 Ok, I have to give myself a small pat on the back, Last night, the ex-fiance gets online. Strange as she never does this at home. I am sure it was to see if I was on there. She claimed last week only myself and my niece were even on her buddy list. I completely ignored her and logged off. A very small victory for NC but it is a start.
Art_Critic Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 but I am a 42 year old male, I completely ignored her and logged off. A 42 year old man shouldn't even be playing these games and also should've blocked and deleted her so he could move on... No new contact = No new hurt.. and yes you did contact her.. the ole I'll leave her on my buddy list so she can see me get online and offline.. knock knock.. that is contact.. it is a smoke signal.. so explain this victory for NC to me...
lorr Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I have to agree with ArtCritic on this one. The worst thing a bloke can do is come off as needy and weak. Believe me when I say that the majority of women DO NOT like this kind of stuff. Your ex comes across as being unstable and the last thing you need is more drama in your life. She is making a fool of you, and the more energy and time you waste responding to her pathetic messages the more time you will not bother to move on. Sorry to come across as harsh but I believe its for the best. Just erase and put a block on all her messages, grow some balls and move on.
Author shockandawed Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 I agree wholeheartedly, at least my brain does... She got me again, well not got me. She hits me this morning, small talk about a bag I am getting for her brother. I reply that I would have at least expected a response to the apology the other day. She did and said she didnt know what to say, because I was right, and she is realizing what a damn fool she is. At that point, I remembered the advice earlier. I shifted the conversation to light and fluffy. She went along, but kept asking about my weekend, if I had a date etc. I admitted to such but left it there. No details. Went on a bit more about small talk etc. told her I needed to go. She wished me a great day and that was it. I responded mainly because I wanted to get it back to this point. Light and enjoyable. She is obviously one confused woman..I am keeping my emotions in check now and of course, will continue to explore outside interests.
Art_Critic Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 You are not going anywhere with this.. what happened to NC ? You have yet to even try it.. why not try something that works for a change. Why are you still talking to her ??? You are amazing... she owns you dude...
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I don't think you've ruined everything by telling her you love her. But I agree with the aforementioned posters about pulling away. That's your best course of action right now. Any more pressure can and will push her away for good. You want her to come to the decision about reconciling on her own- not because you make her feel guilty or put pressure on her. You can only do that by giving her space. No contact- at all. Especially not when she's in another relationship. D
RocketMan2 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 shockandawed, I took the time tonight to read over your posts again from the beginning. My how you've changed! I can really see you've come a long way I know youre coping much better today than a month, week and day ago. Well done in your healing, and keep up the good work Rocket
Author shockandawed Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks Rocket, Not too sure about that, the other posters are right, she owns me, lol!! Things are strange to say the least. I have re read all the posts on here. I am trying to maintain control but yet, gain a little momentum with small contact. I know its not total. She has admitted I am the only one on her IM. She logs in every morning and initiates contact. After the mistake of I love you last Friday, I have maintained a casual approach. As Cali said earlier, make it fun and interesting, leave her wanting more. I initiate the end and don't use any other means to contact her, I am not calling, texting etc... She appears to open up more each day. Cali also mentioned not going down memory lane unless she does, which is great. Today, she threw this out there. Her (1/30/2007 9:12:09 AM): can I tell you something Me (1/30/2007 9:12:13 AM): of course Her (1/30/2007 9:13:32 AM): (Daughter) and I went and saw the movie Catch & Release. It's a chick flick with Jennifer Garner. Her fiance dies the day before their wedding. It sounds grim but it was pretty good. Her (1/30/2007 9:13:42 AM): Anyways it was set in Boulder, Colorado Her (1/30/2007 9:14:31 AM): I think I cried more during the movie not because of the storyline, but because you were going to take me there, and now I will never see Colorado thru your eyes Her (1/30/2007 9:14:36 AM): sorry, that was VERY mushy So, I am getting a small progression on her part, again, three weeks ago, I was crap, and now these type of IMs Do I go into complete NC as some have suggested. Risk losing the small momentum we are getting Maintain just this level for a while with the hope of it restoring her belief in the relationship. Avoid anymore stupid moves on my part. Or let it all out and go for the touchdown, sink or swim. You with me or not type response
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