newmama7 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Hi there. I am new to the forum...actually any forum. I'm looking for some help outside of my family and close friends. I've recently had a baby in August. My husband has always been lazy and has never put me first. He loves to play computer games and that always seem to come first in our relationship. I considered divorcing him at first because I knew he wouldn't help out with the baby or give us the attention we needed. He was and still is immature in many ways. Then he did something I thought he was never capable of doing... he cheated on me. I found all the evidence and he kept denying it. I even talked to the girl and she denied it, but was hinting they were involved. To make a long story short, he finally admitted to it. We stayed together trying to make things work. He says he, "didn't go all the way with her" but I can't believe or trust him, not after looking at me in my eyes and lying to me repeatedly about the situation. Our relationship has improved so much, and he is a much better husband and father, but I don't know if I can live out the rest of my life with the feelings of hurt, pain, and internal suffering. He did something to me that deep down, I don't really know that I can forgive. He still works with her, but some of my inside sources tell me that he doesn't talk to her. I know he's not cheating on me now, but I don't think I can go through this again if it ever happened again. I love him, but I hate him for all the pain he caused. I hate her so much. I know he is truely sorry for what he did and he says he will never do anything like this again. If we are having problems, he is not going to seek advice from any females other than his mom. His family means everything to him, but his priorities aren't in order yet. I feel trapped. I don't know if I should stay with him or call it quits.
surfnbro74 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html So sorry about your situation. The most IMPORTANT thing for you right now is to concentrate on your new baby and by the way congrats. Above I attached is a link about how to cope with infidelity you will find this link very helpful, so please read it. Cheating is the worst wound you will ever have to endure its a DEEP wound but in time all wounds will heal. I hate to tell you this but since this wound is so deep you gonna get a scar from it. The only thing you can do is learn to live with this scar and learn to ignore which in time you will and you will find peace again. But if you dont learn or want to then your scar will ALWAYS hurt and you dont want to live like that. Continue to read this forum cuz the advises here will help you a lot, it did tremendously for me. Since you are in this scenario with the new baby and all I think you should stay and work it out with your husband for the little baby. Im not saying to let him off the hook but just keep an eye on him, since he said he made a mistake and will never do it again all you can do is trust him. Dont worry about if hes gonna cheat again these kinda stupid acts will reveal itself no matter how hard he try to hide it sooner or later it will surface...I GUARANTEE and then you must let him go. Again just concentrate and be happy with your baby he/she is the ticket out of this mess. Good Luck and stay strong for your baby cuz they can feel your emotions.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Its okay. Those feelings are normal. It will take some time before the fear slowly subsides. It is just your fear talking. Just remember if he is/was cheating, it is about him. Not about you. Lying just goes with the territory. There is something broken and damaged inside of him. You just set up boundaries and dealbreakers and dont backpeddal if he breaks them. Insist on NC with the OW. Love can be rebuilt but it takes an ounce of trust to begin. Then the trust builds over time. You will have your doubts, but anybody would feel the same way in the beginning. I know it is hard but anything worth doing never comes easily. I distrust things that come too easily. Reconcilliation is never easy. It is a second chance. Is he worth giving him a second chance? Honey. you have to put yourself first in this life. You should be able to stand on your own.
dgiirl Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I believe there are two types of cheaters. The one time offender and the serial cheater. The serial cheater is the person who repeatedly does things for themselves, irregardless of who they might hurt. They are probably not THAT into the relationship and will continue to cheat because they dont see their relationship that high of a priority and dont care who they hurt in the process. The one time offender is the person who is caught up in a situation where they feel alone and isolated, they are lost and unhappy, are having problems with their current SO and yet are commited to the relationship. They're not happy with their current relationship, yet are confused on how to resolve the situation without hurting anybody. They keep ignoring the problem, not quite understanding it. Then one day, someone new comes into their lives and they have that spark of life again. They are confused and yet drawn to the new excitement. They really dont have any intention of having an affair, but at the same time, they feel good being with the new person, so they try to have a "friendship" and slowly start to confide their problems. They slowly become more and more attracted to the new person and are completely confused with their emotions of their current relationship and the new relationship. All their logic is thrown out the window, and eventually they step over that line of friendship and the affair starts. Many people who have never cheated do not realize how easy it is to pursue a friendship with someone you are attracted to and then step over the lines. After cheating, the one time offender will usually show great remorse for their actions and will understand how dangerous such friendships can become and will never go down that road again. What you have to ask yourself is what type of cheater is he? Not that cheating is ever justified, but was there a reason for him confiding in another woman? Were you two openly communicating, or was there tension between the two of you? If you can honestly find a reason for him cheating, then you can work on a solution to prevent that from happening again in the future. I'm torn in your situation. He did not confess to cheating and tried to hide it from you. Yet, he now says he'll never confide in another woman again. I do like the fact that he realizes what led to the temptation, so I think there is hope he will learn from this mistake. A marriage can recover from infidility, but only if you both understand what happened and why it happened. If you know WHY, you can see the warning signs a lot easier next time around to prevent it from happening. In either case, divorce or staying together, you've been betrayed and you WILL have to work through those feelings. Just because you divorce him, does not mean all these bad feelings you feel will disappear. Eventually, you will have to work on forgiveness, otherwise the biterness will eat you alive.
surfnbro74 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 dgirl your post is awesome....makes me want to print this out and give it to my separated wife so she can read this. Hand it to her and say, "here read this, since you are so confused on how or why you led to this affair this story should clear up everything." By the way, shes a one time offender. dgirl thanks for the post it makes a lot of sense ,you are exactly right on the one time offender.
Recommended Posts