Salicious Crumb Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I came here for support and perhaps some HELPFUL suggestions and I get put down, called names and pointed at as being the worst person in the world. So what about all of you other folks out there who have cheated or are cheating - what makes me so much worse than all of you? The fact that I don't cheat, never cheated, and never will. Because I'm TRUTHFUL about it? And yes TRUTHFUL is what I am being. My husband KNOWS. I told him. Know what? He doesn't care. And he says it's ok as long as I don't ever leave him. At least that is what he's saying right now. So. It's out in the open. I hope you are all having fun feeling so superior to me and putting me down. You want support? But it doesn't look like you are trying to support your husband with his depression. You want support, but don't want to help your husband with his problem...so your way of dealing with it is to cheat? Does that not even sink in with you? What happened to, "in sickness and in health"? "for better or for worse"? Gee, I'd hate tho think what you'd do if he were in a coma for a year.
Guest Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 ... Been married 16 yrs. I love my husband. BUT. He has changed a lot since starting his new job a year ago...he hates it and so takes it out on me and our three kids (anger, tantrums, being bitchy, no sex drive, etc.). If he hates his job then he'll feel trapped because he has to support you and the kids. I recommend he quit and find a job he likes even if it's less money because being happier would be better for everyone and you and kids need to support him in that. And he won't want to do that because he has a strong feeling that he has to give you everything. If you and the kids really do love him, support him in changing jobs so he's happy. Otherwise you are all just using him. And if the kids are old enough they should be working too. Does more for their self esteem to be moving towards self sufficiency. Things evolved. I've been having this affair now, without hubby's knowledge, for almost 18 months. Hubby knows the guy; he's been to our house, and hubby thinks we are just friends. EVERYONE thinks we are just friends. Including HIS girlfriend, whom I am ALSO friends with (although we became friends after this guy and I started sleeping together). My, my, all the deception. That's not good. I know I love him, and am in love with him, but at the same time I still love my husband. Well normally I would say that a cheater that says something like this really doesn't love her husband. If you truly love someone you don't cheat on them (because if you love someone they come first, and you don't put your selfish desires ahead of their well being). However since you are in the "lifestyle" polyamory is far more possible. But then again, almost everyone I've talked to that says they are swingers or any alternate lifestyle says they have rules and breaking those rules is cheating. So it seems to me you are definitely cheating. I guess right now we're FWB, but we love each other too. We don't have any plans on ending things. His girlfriend doesn't like sex much....my husband doesn't want to have sex at all (probably due to depression)...so we help each other out with that, plus we're friends, and we love each other. Yeah, I'd be depressed too at your H's age too - mid-life crisis, not getting any, stressed over work, being used by my family as a meal ticket, feeling under loved and over worked. Doesn't make Jack a jolly boy. So why not help your H get over his depression. Find him a hot chick to fool around with. It would do him a world of good wouldn't it? Your OM is doing wonders for you. If, as you say, you really loved your husband you'd hook him up with a FWB too. Really what greater love could you show him, if you all are going to continue in the swinging thing? So am I totally screwed up? This is the first time in 16 years that I have ever cheated on my husband...I mean, without him knowing about me sleeping with someone else - because with the swinging, we ask permission first. Obviously with J. I didn't ask permission. totally - no. cheating - yes. Why didn't you go to your husband first and talk to him about this? He doesn't object to you having sex with others but not telling him well... I guess I should mention that while my H and I dated, he did cheat on me quite a few times while I was being faithful to him, Yeah, that sucked. And you are somewhat justified to cheat on him. ... Like I said, the chemistry is incredible. It's kinda what I used to feel with my H. But since H is in this depression and being angry all the time...there have been times that I have seriously considered just getting the hell out. If you really love your H why aren't you helping him with his problems? If he's angry there's a cause, a reason, something driving that. If he's depressed there is a reason. Hell I'd be depressed if I had to support a wife and kids in job I hated. Life is too short and too much of it spent working to be unhappy at work or unhappy in a marriage. SO I quite literally can't leave my husband. You say you love your husband. Why would you leave? Is it you love him or you depend on him and need him as a meal ticket? Yeah, I can see a big problem here. Instead of helping each other you two are off having flings with other people. Better living through "chemistry" I guess.
Guest Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 ... But he won't get the help. I don't know what else to do. I don't think he needs meds or therapy. I think he needs a new job and he needs to know you'd support that. Go away for a weekend. Cabin in the mountains. Get someone to watch the kids. J? And no pressure for sex, just talk about your life together and what he wants for the future. I don't think there is a better therapist for your husband than you. I came here for support and perhaps some HELPFUL suggestions and I get put down, called names and pointed at as being the worst person in the world. I wouldn't condemn you other than to say the cheating part was wrong, which you already know. And he says it's ok as long as I don't ever leave him. At least that is what he's saying right now. So. It's out in the open. uh, well being with another guy you kind of have to leave him for some amount of time. Like I said, your situation is not the norm. That's fine, but maybe help him with a friend of his own - and that might get him undepressed and it might improve your home situation a whole lot. Just a thought. I don't know that many people (men or women) who would let their spouse still have sex with someone else when alot of feelings are involved. Your husband is a special person because of that. I hope you're as understanding one day if he falls for another woman, has sex with her, then tells you he loves her as well but doesn't want you to leave him....... vanilla people just don't understand, so forget it. Every day you do this, you kill him more inside. That may be true, it may also not be true. We don't know him. Just because monogamy works for most people doesn't mean it works for everyone. If he really loves his wife he'd be concerend with her happines, even if he was depressed. He want her to be happy even if he couldn't be the source of that happiness all the time.
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