Celll phone locater and my discovery

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

OOD, I'm so so sorry for the pain that you're going through.

 

I can only give it from the OW perspective and I will be completely honest with you...

 

As you have mentioned - if he wants to cheat he will find a way. IMO you're well within your rights to be an absolutely paranoid wreck and ask him for his whereabouts every hour on the hour. You're NOT overreacting. He has lied before and this hangover will remain when he travels and you're unable to contact him. I think you're dealing with all of the stress in your life remarkably well.

 

I know you'll know the regular red flags. My story as an OW on V day last year...being honest but it's not pretty...we spent time together around V day (day before and two days after). I gave him gifts which he hid under the spare tyre in his car boot. I saw him on V Day. He texted me on V day night (I'm assuming when he went to the toilet and texted me there) I saw him during the day on V day but not on the evening. He knew I would feel down about this so ensured he messaged me and then called me later on in the evening as if to prove that he wasn't having a V day with his W.

 

The only thing I can think of to discover (if thats what you really want to do) is:

 

• Look out for all of the red flags - receipts, cell phone stuff etc
  
• If you're feeling especially bad say that you're coming to give him a surprise visit and see how he reacts
  
• Phone the hotel and pretend to be his secretary and check his itinerary
  
• Check his car and luggage before he goes and especially after he returns
  
• Trust your gut - you know him better than anything, you're instincts will probably tell you all you need to know.

I don't know if any of this info will help at all. It's hard not just to say kick him to the curb, because your situation sounds SO tough. But, as you mentioned earlier, you're with him and that's your decision. I really hope he is now able to be trusted and he should be fully aware that he needs to help to build the trust he has broken in his M.

 

I don't want to get on my soapbox - after all, I AM a OW and I DID create pain and suffering (and experienced a lot of it too).

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help...is his trip ABSOLUTELY necessary?

[suchislife]

I could not continue to love someone who has done this. You have joint assets, which means you have money. You have a sick child.

 

I don't know if he is lying or not, what concerns me is the energy you are wasting on this. Just think what life would be like without the worry.

 

You could concentrate on your child and yourself.

 

Just because you love someone or something doesn't mean they/it loves you.

 

I know this is terrible. I know. BUT, the problem with living with someone like this is it completely messes YOU up.

 

If you have a sick child, why is he going away?

 

Protect yourself and get legal advice.

 

Take care.

[outofdarkness]

OOD, I'm so so sorry for the pain that you're going through.

 

I can only give it from the OW perspective and I will be completely honest with you...

 

As you have mentioned - if he wants to cheat he will find a way. IMO you're well within your rights to be an absolutely paranoid wreck and ask him for his whereabouts every hour on the hour. You're NOT overreacting. He has lied before and this hangover will remain when he travels and you're unable to contact him. I think you're dealing with all of the stress in your life remarkably well.

 

I know you'll know the regular red flags. My story as an OW on V day last year...being honest but it's not pretty...we spent time together around V day (day before and two days after). I gave him gifts which he hid under the spare tyre in his car boot. I saw him on V Day. He texted me on V day night (I'm assuming when he went to the toilet and texted me there) I saw him during the day on V day but not on the evening. He knew I would feel down about this so ensured he messaged me and then called me later on in the evening as if to prove that he wasn't having a V day with his W.

 

The only thing I can think of to discover (if thats what you really want to do) is:

 

• Look out for all of the red flags - receipts, cell phone stuff etc
  
• If you're feeling especially bad say that you're coming to give him a surprise visit and see how he reacts
  
• Phone the hotel and pretend to be his secretary and check his itinerary
  
• Check his car and luggage before he goes and especially after he returns
  
• Trust your gut - you know him better than anything, you're instincts will probably tell you all you need to know.

I don't know if any of this info will help at all. It's hard not just to say kick him to the curb, because your situation sounds SO tough. But, as you mentioned earlier, you're with him and that's your decision. I really hope he is now able to be trusted and he should be fully aware that he needs to help to build the trust he has broken in his M.

 

I don't want to get on my soapbox - after all, I AM a OW and I DID create pain and suffering (and experienced a lot of it too).

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help...is his trip ABSOLUTELY necessary?

Thanks for the input..I really need to go back and re read some of the old posts on this subject. Re: voice act. rec..I can't do this in our house because our son is always here b/c he's so sick..I can't imagine he'd call with him here; he's 14, so not a young child..He would most likely overhear an convers. Our house is a nice one but pretty small. Not much gets by anyone in this house. Walls are thin and rooms are small. I need to ponder this some more and re read some of the older posts...thanks again...

[outofdarkness]

Thanks for the input..I really need to go back and re read some of the old posts on this subject. Re: voice act. rec..I can't do this in our house because our son is always here b/c he's so sick..I can't imagine he'd call with him here; he's 14, so not a young child..He would most likely overhear an convers. Our house is a nice one but pretty small. Not much gets by anyone in this house. Walls are thin and rooms are small. I need to ponder this some more and re read some of the older posts...thanks again...

P.S. Thanks for the V day advice. I knew from doing some reading of prior posts and talking to people, that before and after V day are just as to have things go on as the actual day.

[outofdarkness]

I could not continue to love someone who has done this. You have joint assets, which means you have money. You have a sick child.

 

I don't know if he is lying or not, what concerns me is the energy you are wasting on this. Just think what life would be like without the worry.

 

You could concentrate on your child and yourself.

 

Just because you love someone or something doesn't mean they/it loves you.

 

I know this is terrible. I know. BUT, the problem with living with someone like this is it completely messes YOU up.

 

If you have a sick child, why is he going away?

 

Protect yourself and get legal advice.

 

Take care.

Thanks to you too for your advice..Why is he going anyway? He has put off traveling for around a month now due to our son being sick, so he says he really needs to get back on the road. Traveling is a huge part of his position at the company..He knew this when he took the job alittle over five years ago; BEFORE D day and when the A's were in full swing. He has done and continues to do very well w/ this company and the health ins/benefits are excellent. It is also a very family friendly co., and they have been very understanding about our son. So..I really can't complain about the travel; although I do on occasion..Well not really complain, but more asking him to please at least LOOK for a position where there is limited or not travel. My belief is that w/ his expertise and experience in this field, he could get something with alittle time and networking, but he says he does not want to do this due to the compensation and his position w/in the Co. I really can't argue w/ this, as the money is great and we need it right now.

Re: Legal advice. I actually filed around a year after D day, but filed an order of reconciliation wanting to try to make it work. He did not want the D, and seems to have worked hard to regain the trust and give me reassurance..but some things, I run into complete roadblocks with. I pretty much now what I would need to do should new info come up, it's just that I don't want to have to do it due to the situation w/ our son, etc...I do know that I made the choice to stay, and I should not complain and just move on with my life, but it's not so easy to do at certain times of the year. One is V day, the other is when our kids usually go to summer camp for 5 weeks every summer; I know all of the OW's at least the main 10 year one, know this, the others are around the holidays. I know MM get pressure by the W and OW's at these times, and it makes me anxious and feel helpless, even if there is NOTHING going on.

 

I was wondering, do OW's get angry if the MM spends time w/ the W during these times. This might help me, as I can know that I am looking for him to be on edge, very scheduled and asking ME alot of ?'s about MY schedule. Thanks again for the input. I would welcome any more takes on this.

[Guest]

OOD, I'm so so sorry for the pain that you're going through.

 

I can only give it from the OW perspective and I will be completely honest with you...

 

As you have mentioned - if he wants to cheat he will find a way. IMO you're well within your rights to be an absolutely paranoid wreck and ask him for his whereabouts every hour on the hour. You're NOT overreacting. He has lied before and this hangover will remain when he travels and you're unable to contact him. I think you're dealing with all of the stress in your life remarkably well.

 

I know you'll know the regular red flags. My story as an OW on V day last year...being honest but it's not pretty...we spent time together around V day (day before and two days after). I gave him gifts which he hid under the spare tyre in his car boot. I saw him on V Day. He texted me on V day night (I'm assuming when he went to the toilet and texted me there) I saw him during the day on V day but not on the evening. He knew I would feel down about this so ensured he messaged me and then called me later on in the evening as if to prove that he wasn't having a V day with his W.

 

The only thing I can think of to discover (if thats what you really want to do) is:

 

• Look out for all of the red flags - receipts, cell phone stuff etc
  
• If you're feeling especially bad say that you're coming to give him a surprise visit and see how he reacts
  
• Phone the hotel and pretend to be his secretary and check his itinerary
  
• Check his car and luggage before he goes and especially after he returns
  
• Trust your gut - you know him better than anything, you're instincts will probably tell you all you need to know.

I don't know if any of this info will help at all. It's hard not just to say kick him to the curb, because your situation sounds SO tough. But, as you mentioned earlier, you're with him and that's your decision. I really hope he is now able to be trusted and he should be fully aware that he needs to help to build the trust he has broken in his M.

 

I don't want to get on my soapbox - after all, I AM a OW and I DID create pain and suffering (and experienced a lot of it too).

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help...is his trip ABSOLUTELY necessary?

 

 

You sound like a great person. Just thought you should hear that.

[frannie]

I was wondering, do OW's get angry if the MM spends time w/ the W during these times. This might help me, as I can know that I am looking for him to be on edge, very scheduled and asking ME alot of ?'s about MY schedule. Thanks again for the input. I would welcome any more takes on this.

 

This year will be the first time we've spent Valentines Day together, and he was the one who made the effort to make sure he could be here. He bought it up in the first place. I think he wanted to make sure I was happy, given that the situation is hell. He's been trying so hard to compensate for everything (not that it does, but it does help that he's trying). My point here is that no, I'm not the kind to kick up a fuss over V-day... if he hadn't been here, I'd just have shrugged and treated it like another day he wasn't here. But other OW may react differently. I'm always understanding when he can't be here, and I've never put him under stress about it, never once demanded he do anything, even on my worst days. That isn't to say that he hasn't gone out of his way to call... like Sunday, he left the house three times on various errands he never does, because he knows I was upset. But in my experience, men can be very good at putting a brave face on their worries and concerns. That goes for just about ANY man, not just 'cheaters'.

 

I suppose the answer is that there may be nothing in his behaviour that will alert you. And I don't know what to suggest you do. Other than as someone suggested... check his stuff for receipts, because even if he won't be there, he'll probably have bought something if there is an OW. And as that person also said, he'll do it right near to the time, because men do tend to be last-minute with gifts.

 

I can't imagine what it must feel like to think that he's out there with someone else and won't admit to it and won't stop it. It's easy for me to say, but if it were me I suppose I'd have to either trust him, or leave him. But I can imagine that you can't do the first and don't want to do the second. Love puts us in incredible binds.

 

I'm just wondering... if you found out he was cheating on you again, would you divorce him then? Are you looking for something that will allow you to leave him..?

 

My other thought is... that he should be making every effort he can to prove to you that he's not cheating. But you say you keep coming across 'blocks' to information. That would be a big no-no for me. IF he wants your love, then he HAS to be the one to secure it... to make you feel secure. What is happening here is you're being torn up and he's allowing it.

 

What's another week at home, so it's past V-day..? And you're right WHY can't he change his job to be closer to you and your family..? Those reasons he gives might be logical, but when it comes down to your sanity and peace of mind, is that an acceptable trade-off..? Does he know and really understand what it's doing to you? My MM DELIBERATELY works away, by choice, his choice. No doubt he justifies it to his wife and children in similar terms that your husband is using. I'm not saying your husband is lying necessarily, but... well, that's what my MM is doing.

[Guest]

OutofDarkness, Don't make yourself crazy! I'm a BW who had a d-day 2 years ago, and have given up on checking up on my H, we've had a very long marriage, the affair was very short-term, and I find that playing detective only makes YOU obsess. I was very diligent in checking up on him until it wore me out, as far as I know, it's over, and I'm not going to waste another minute of my life tracking him down.

 

Concentrate on your child, that's the most important thing right now.

 

Oh, and my H is also out of town overnight on the 13th, back on the 14th, but he has a business trip about once a week, so it's impossible NOT to be away around V-day, don't get hysterical about it.

 

If you must, when you call him while he's away, call his hotel (not his cell phone!, he can take that anywhere) just for reassurance.

 

Good luck to you and your child, you don't need the stress of a stray spouse right now, so let him police himself.

[outofdarkness]

Thanks to all for your encouraging words and advice. I am trying really hard to concentrate on on ill son, and it seems that my H is really trying hard to do this as well. I agree with the poster who said that just because he happens to travel on or around V day, does not necessarily mean anything. I may have meant something in the past, but now, it could just be him needing to travel as he normally does, and has been unable to do due to our son's illness and wanting to stay to help and be with him.. There is no doubt in my mind that he has really tried hard to regain my trust and change his ways. However, I also know that it is compulsive with him, and he must be constantly vigilant and willing to do the things suggested to him when all of this came out, on a regular basis. He does do these things, but has been unable to have much consistency due to the circustances with our son. I know that he loves myself and our kids, but I also do not feel that I know the full extent of what went on prior to D day...Don't know that I ever will, and don't know that if I really want to be brutally honest...I WANT to know. Part of me wants to know and part of me doesn't. It is not a time that I want to go back to and not something that I feel that physically and emotionally, I could deal with as effectively as I did 2 years ago...So...there is alot of fear there with me.

 

I will do everything I can to stay calm next week and take some steps to reassure myself that nothing is going on...I plan to discuss this with him before he leaves. I think it works so much better if we can get everything out in the open BEFORE he leaves for a trip.

 

And...Yes, I still need to come to terms with the fact that I stayed with him of my own accord and knew the possible ramifications of staying. It is really as simple as making up my mind that I made a decision and need to stick to it. It makes it really hard on myself and most likely those closest to me, when I get obessesive and create drama that may be totally unfounded. I know that I need to just step back and realize that if something really is going on, I will find out when it's least expected...It's just God's time, not mine...THAT is hard for me..I'm always trying to run the show...

Lastly, in reponse to the question that one poster posed: What would I do if I DID find out he was cheating again? I would really like to think that I would ask him to leave, but our circumstances right now; ie.. our son, I don't realistically think I'd do that. Plus part of me wants to fight for him..I love him..It would make a huge difference if I found out that one of the main affairs, specifically with the 10 year OW, had never ended or had resumed. I would then assume that the two wanted to be together and would not feel that it would be good for anyone involved to stay in the M. Even if he begged. Hope this gives the info you all asked for and thanks again! Keep it coming..

[puddleofmud]

Hey, babe! Just wanted to let you know that I truly care and that you are now my special Valentine!

I don't have a special valentine so you get's to be mine!

So stay in touch and stay strong.

Good healing energy for your little one from me to you w/ lots of candied hearts, flowers and CHOCOLATE!

Candy kisses and warm hugs!

[Star Gazer]

How certain are you of the GPS-device's accuracy?

[frannie]

If you must, when you call him while he's away, call his hotel (not his cell phone!, he can take that anywhere) just for reassurance.

 

I would second that.

 

If my MM's W called the hotel he's supposedly staying at, or even asked him which hotel it was, he'd be right in the soup. Since he stays at my house instead, and doesn't even have a hotel room booked.

 

Even two years ago, when we stayed at a hotel together most of the year, the people there knew us as Mr. and Mrs. xxxxxxxxx, so calling and asking for your husband may stir a few things up even if he IS at a hotel.

[outofdarkness]

Thanks for all of your advice. This morning has been a rough one, so I will be brief. How do I know the GPS locator is accurate? I know that it does bounce around some, so it might not be as effective for me in our city as it would when he is traveling..Regarding phoning the hotel, I can and have done that, but as I said, if he wants to cheat, he'll cheat...It really doesn't matter what I do...it will just make it more enticing to him because alot of it has to do w/ the thrill of the chase...

 

anyway, I am trying to focus my attention on things at home...Thanks again, and please post if you all have any additional thoughts.

[outofdarkness]

Hey you all...

I have a new question.. does anyone know how exactly aol text messaging works on a cell phone? I am sort of ignorant about the whole text thing in general...I know this is a general question, but anyone with any info??

[TYASAFAHICSI]

GPS is extremely accurate--within feet. My car has one and if it is off by 10 to 12 feet that is a lot.

[pureinheart]

What makes you think he is cheating? Did you see his car? If he is cheating, and you catch him 'red handed', what will you do differently that you didn't do in the past 10yrs? will this change anything?

 

I feel investigation work and tracking a spouse down and all the energy you put into proving infidelity should have a purpose behind it. What will happen diffently this time?

 

In cases such as these I think "investigations" actually set the ground for cheating to take place, the lack of trust ect....can drive a person to this....it is controling and micro managing.

 

In some M's it turns into a game, with both parties thriving on drama, one party getting "over" on the other....totally fruitless.

 

I am convinced that "your sin will find you out"....once sin is found out, deal with it accordingly....if a spouse has been found out more than once, and sometimes just once, then he is given to this and mostlikely will not change.....

[Karma24]

He texted me on V day night (I'm assuming when he went to the toilet and texted me there)

 

Now that's romance!

[outofdarkness]

In cases such as these I think "investigations" actually set the ground for cheating to take place, the lack of trust ect....can drive a person to this....it is controling and micro managing.

 

In some M's it turns into a game, with both parties thriving on drama, one party getting "over" on the other....totally fruitless.

 

I am convinced that "your sin will find you out"....once sin is found out, deal with it accordingly....if a spouse has been found out more than once, and sometimes just once, then he is given to this and mostlikely will not change.....

ummm..yeah, you have brought up some good points. Thanks for your input..

[Can'tGiveUp]

OOD - I hope someone PM'd you on the text messaging. I know little about it other than when I get my bill - it only says how many I sent /rec'd - not the numbers. I dont know if they can/will provide that detail. I believe that after you read it - you delete it and it is gone from the phone. You can keep them, but I am assuming that you are curious re: H - and he would likely delete...but you never know...

 

Hope that helped a bit...

 

Oh - and if you have time to check in his phone you might be able to see those he's sent (assuming he hasn't deleted them)...I'm not sure...

[outofdarkness]

OOD - I hope someone PM'd you on the text messaging. I know little about it other than when I get my bill - it only says how many I sent /rec'd - not the numbers. I dont know if they can/will provide that detail. I believe that after you read it - you delete it and it is gone from the phone. You can keep them, but I am assuming that you are curious re: H - and he would likely delete...but you never know...

 

Hope that helped a bit...

 

Oh - and if you have time to check in his phone you might be able to see those he's sent (assuming he hasn't deleted them)...I'm not sure...

yeah, you're right, you can delete them and they are gone 4ever, but you can see on the stmt how many have been sent..yes, I did want to know about this b/c my comp guy was here recently and downloaed aol inst. mess..Well..up pops my H's old screen name w/ every buddy he ever had right there on the little aim screen. Didn't have to do a thing to get it up. Once the OW's thought he was on again, a few of them immediately im to ask where he's been...said it had been a few years...YEAH!! I was thrilled!!! Good indicator that he's not cheating. Then, I started to obsess that mabey he's doing it on his phone...I really have to stop getting so obsessed with the invest. stuff...

[Can'tGiveUp]

yeah, you're right, you can delete them and they are gone 4ever, but you can see on the stmt how many have been sent..yes, I did want to know about this b/c my comp guy was here recently and downloaed aol inst. mess..Well..up pops my H's old screen name w/ every buddy he ever had right there on the little aim screen. Didn't have to do a thing to get it up. Once the OW's thought he was on again, a few of them immediately im to ask where he's been...said it had been a few years...YEAH!! I was thrilled!!! Good indicator that he's not cheating. Then, I started to obsess that mabey he's doing it on his phone...I really have to stop getting so obsessed with the invest. stuff...

 

That's great for the IM info! You have been very patient. I would never have been able to continue like you have. And I think it is only natural to have trust issues...even years from now. You do what you have to to get some peace in your life...and likely soon you will settle down for a while. Perhaps each time will be less obsessive, but I am sure you will have moments where you will check up. Of course, that is just what I would expect from myself...

 

Take care...

[stillhere]

It's a good sign that they haven't heard from him! That's a bonus.

 

He may be able to IM on his phone, depending on the model. If he has an older phone, chances are pretty slim. With the newer high tech phones, you can do anything on them. Receive emails, IM, well anything.

 

My phone you can't IM on, but my dad's you can. I'm looking to buy a new phone that has these capabilities. You can always check with your carrier and find out. Most carriers offer a package for internet use, otherwise it can get costly without one. Do you pay for a service like this? Since he is in business, chances are he may have this option on his phone if his phone is capable.

 

I think you are gonna drive yourself absolutely insane with all this wondering. I understand why you are doing it, but it's not good for you. You are always on the defensive, and that's not good for your emotional or physical health.

 

I wish you luck, you're too sweet and understanding to have to suffer on a daily basis like this. Take care of yourself.

[outofdarkness]

It's a good sign that they haven't heard from him! That's a bonus.

 

He may be able to IM on his phone, depending on the model. If he has an older phone, chances are pretty slim. With the newer high tech phones, you can do anything on them. Receive emails, IM, well anything.

 

My phone you can't IM on, but my dad's you can. I'm looking to buy a new phone that has these capabilities. You can always check with your carrier and find out. Most carriers offer a package for internet use, otherwise it can get costly without one. Do you pay for a service like this? Since he is in business, chances are he may have this option on his phone if his phone is capable.

 

I think you are gonna drive yourself absolutely insane with all this wondering. I understand why you are doing it, but it's not good for you. You are always on the defensive, and that's not good for your emotional or physical health.

 

I wish you luck, you're too sweet and understanding to have to suffer on a daily basis like this. Take care of yourself.

yes, he can im on his phone and that really has nothing to do w/ text mess. I thought of this right after I made that last post. I noticed that he had aol on his phone...Don't know if I ever told you all that he started this whole mess years ago with aol.1..the very first version. He says that aol is the devil and what got him into the whole cheating thing. I have mixed feelings about this b/c there have been "issues" with him and the whole sex addiction since he was a young guy. I just think aol made it so easy. Don't know much about the whole aol craze in the 90's, but do know that it was a big deal for more then a few years, before Tech really took off. I know there were aol parties, etc...Anyone else out there have any problems/thoughts about aol in particular??

[ridingthebulls]

Re: what will I do if he IS cheating again. I will first give him the opportunity to leave, and if he wants to stay, I will require him to go to inpatient treatment, since he admitted to being an addict or serial cheater. He says it's not about feelings, it's about the "thrill of the chase"...Re: Do I suspect cheating? Yes, from time to time, but I am still hopeful that he is telling me the truth and I won't be made a fool of again...We have so much at stake right now...most of all a very sick child...I don't mean to imply that we chose to stay together for the kids, that's not true. He begged, pleaded and went to MC and still going to IC...He tried and I guess is still trying. I think it's a compulsion, and I don't think he can control it. And...I think I feed it with my invest...etc...Just trying to be honest w/ myself. I better run, hope I've covered everything. Look forward to more feedback. Thanks so very much...

 

 

Why exactly are you staying with this guy?

If you want to continue giving him chances after every subsequent D-DAY, why not just have an open marriage? At least he won't be lying and you will know what is going on. Cause a 10 year affair means those bad habits are pretty engrained. I don't think there is hope to change him; he obviously has no want for change. He KNOWS you have a track on his phone yet still brings his phone with him to bang a chick? It's like he's asking to get caught; maybe the real turn on is trying to get away with this stuff behind your back- we really don't know.

At least you got the address cause now you can drive by the area around the same time he was there the other day and see if it is for real.

Afterall, we dont know how accurate all that tracking stuff is.

[outofdarkness]

Why exactly are you staying with this guy?

If you want to continue giving him chances after every subsequent D-DAY, why not just have an open marriage? At least he won't be lying and you will know what is going on. Cause a 10 year affair means those bad habits are pretty engrained. I don't think there is hope to change him; he obviously has no want for change. He KNOWS you have a track on his phone yet still brings his phone with him to bang a chick? It's like he's asking to get caught; maybe the real turn on is trying to get away with this stuff behind your back- we really don't know.

At least you got the address cause now you can drive by the area around the same time he was there the other day and see if it is for real.

Afterall, we dont know how accurate all that tracking stuff is.

Yeah, it's about the "thrill of the chase".. As far as why I'm staying, THAT is alot of writing..See some of my threads/posts to see my story...It's long and involved...Thanks for the input...P.S..I hate cell phones...