Baileykeg Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Ok everyone. I need all the help and support that I can get. I'm planning to go NC in a couple of days. We're supposed to see each other this weekend and talk about our relationship. I imagine it will just be a repeat of all the same things I've heard the last 13 months as to why he can't divorce his wife even though he's been separated for almost 2 years now. Either way, I'm planning to go NC on Monday. I'm not ready and I doubt whether I'm strong enough to stick to this. I know in my head though that I have no other choice but to walk away in order to find out if he is serious about wanting a life with me. Anyway, my questions come with how do I tell him about NC? Do I go into a long explanation of how and why we ended up here and about how much I want things to work for us or should I just keep it short and say bottom line is we can't date while you are married. Any advice or support here would be greatly appreciated. I'm really going to need you.
movinon05 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Does it really need an explanation? I'm sure he knows and you've discussed this back and forth crap. Tell him you love him, but you love yourself too, and you have to do this for yourself because you simply cannot take this anymore. And really, he's not thinking about you. He's thinking about himself. He obvously does not know how he feels or what he wants. Until he makes a decision, you need NC. He needs to know what it feels like to be without you. Then stick to your guns.
hardknocks Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I just went through this a month ago and thank heavens it has stuck. Somewhere a long the line I just really decided that I wouldn't be anybody's second priorit anymore. That I deserved better, even though I loved her with all of my heart, until she could do the same I didn't want to speak to her. It was hard to say goodbye. I just kept it short and kept reminding myself that 'this isn't love.. it can't be.... love shouldn't hurt like this' and 'if she truly loves me she would be here, right now, not putting me through this'. So, I said goodbye one morning over the phone and begged her not to call or email anymore. I told her our feelings for irrelevant until the situation changes. It hurt like heck to do, but honestly, it gets better with everyday. It's like the wound has now broken cleanly and is ready to mend. I'm slowly comimg to closure and accpetance as time goes by and she doesn't call. I still think about her and the situation a lot, but knowing I did the right thing gives me strength. Soon, I know I will be ok again, I was once before I met her and I will be again. I'm gonna put up my profile on Match.com soon ;-) maybe I can be somebody elses everything if I'm lucky. good luck and be strong!
movinon05 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Hey Hardknocks, I've been surfing Match, but haven't seen a damn thing to make me shell out the dough yet. Will you be the one to make me open my purse strings? Sorry for the T/J.
IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 yes, i agree with the others. i know the love and feelings are there, but to savor of what ever's left of your self dignity from being the OW alll this time, i'd say keep it sure and sweet cuz at the end of it all, no explanation is really needed since the whole situation u both are in is pretty much self-explanatory-the fact remains u cannot continue to place your life on hold as the OW while waiting in limbo... what if he never divorces his W for you? then u would've wasted this precious time for nothing...good luck
MoonGirl Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 NC is very hard to do, especially for the first few days. I'm on the other side of things. I told my OM that I need time to deal with my marriage and move out before I can make any commitment to him. The NC is painful...more painful than I would have thought it would be. But, for me, it has helped to motivate me to do what I should have done months ago - move out of my house. NC is a great idea for any OM/OW as long as you can make your desires clear. Just be aware of the fact that your MM may not divorce his wife - for many (probably strange) reasons. You obviously do not want to be the OW for life, so NC will make the decision for you. Either he will divorce his W OR he won't divorce his W and you can move on with your life. What to tell your MM? The truth. Tell him how you feel and why you think NC is the best path for you. Tell him to call you when the divorce papers are signed. We will be here for you.
puddleofmud Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Best of luck to you and stay strong as we all are here to support you! I feel that when a woman is ready for marriage and especially to have children she should concentrate on what is best for her in that regard--because it is a place of great integrity for a woman to desire these aspects for herself and is one to be greatly admired. You only have one life so get what you want from it--if it's not with this person than it just wasn't meant to be, and you deserve your dreams. Don't give up your dreams for anyone...
PoshPrincess Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 NC is very hard to do, especially for the first few days. Try 'first few weeks' or even 'months' although don't want to sound negative! In any case, this may be because I was SO crap at NC. Bailey, I can't believe this is still dragging on for you like this. I remember the November deadline. I really feel for you as I know how much you must love your MM. I don't think I am one to give advice only for you not to do what I kept doing. I thougt ex-MM and I could have the odd bit of contact; a phone call here and there, a text now and again, and even a Xmas drink, but all I was doing was giving him the best of both worlds, and hurting myself in the process. I have a bf now and am still finding it hard to let go of ex-MM. Sometimes I SO want to speak to him but have to be strong and tell myself that it would do neither of us any good. Easy for me now that I have a new man to take my mind of things. Not suggesting you do that of course, but you know you have to keep yourself as busy as poss and most importantly, stay strong! We are all here to support you.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks everyone for your responses. Posh...great to hear from you. Glad things are still going well with the new BF. My MM and I spent the weekend together with my son. It was perfect as usual. We all had breakfast with his family on Sat. morning and then lunch with them on Sunday. They make me (and my son) feel like part of their family. I didn't have the strength or courage to bring up our situation with my MM. I just don't have it in me to have another long draining conversation where he makes promises that he's ultimately going to break. He did tell me this weekend that the feelings that he has for me he doesn't have for W. Well....yippee for me!!! So why not get a divorce!!! Sorry...I'm just bitter. Today I'm feeling more and more detached from our relationship. I know that I love him but his actions (or inactions I should say) are killing our relationship. I've been going over and over in my mind every day the letter that I plan to write and give to him that will end our relationship. I'm struggling with what to say. I'm struggling with accepting the reality that my decision has to be that I am ready to walk away from the relationship for good and not just to walk away to hope that he will come back soon. I can't leave that door open and put my life on hold hoping that "today might be the day". I've done that with him for the last year of my life.
stace79 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 That is the hardest part about all of it....making the decision to just walk away completely, and not just staying away waiting for the day he calls you to tell you what an idiot he is, how he made a huge mistake and he wants to be with you and love only you forever. (Noooo, I haven't had the same situation!! haha) I guess the big thing is, it doesn't matter how many times we might tell you it's the best thing. You have to be at the point where you won't take it anymore and YOU are ready to move on. Until then, anyone else telling you to do NC is a waste. If you are ready, then best of luck and you can do it. If you aren't, I hope you can be at peace with yourself until you are ready and that you don't let the situation get you too down. Thanks everyone for your responses. Posh...great to hear from you. Glad things are still going well with the new BF. My MM and I spent the weekend together with my son. It was perfect as usual. We all had breakfast with his family on Sat. morning and then lunch with them on Sunday. They make me (and my son) feel like part of their family. I didn't have the strength or courage to bring up our situation with my MM. I just don't have it in me to have another long draining conversation where he makes promises that he's ultimately going to break. He did tell me this weekend that the feelings that he has for me he doesn't have for W. Well....yippee for me!!! So why not get a divorce!!! Sorry...I'm just bitter. Today I'm feeling more and more detached from our relationship. I know that I love him but his actions (or inactions I should say) are killing our relationship. I've been going over and over in my mind every day the letter that I plan to write and give to him that will end our relationship. I'm struggling with what to say. I'm struggling with accepting the reality that my decision has to be that I am ready to walk away from the relationship for good and not just to walk away to hope that he will come back soon. I can't leave that door open and put my life on hold hoping that "today might be the day". I've done that with him for the last year of my life.
MoonGirl Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Yes, go NC with him for your own good. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will finally file for divorce. NC is painful, but you will get stronger as time goes on. Can you afford to go on vacation somewhere? Sometimes getting away for a week can help NC!
Author Baileykeg Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks. That is so true about being ready. I've known for a very long time that all of the advice I've been given by all of you was the right thing for me to do. I just wasn't ready. I think now that I am truly ready to take that step. I'm going to his apt. this weekend to get my things. I need one more weekend with him to be certain that I am ready to walk away for the right reasons. I know that may sound weird but my reasons for that are that the majority of the weekends that he and I have together also include my 3 year old son. It's difficult for us to have any truly quality time together with a toddler. I need some time with him without the distraction of my son. I'm going to start writing my letter this week and have it ready for the weekend. I plan to leave it when I leave his place after the weekend. Perhaps that's a chicken way to handle things but I know that I am just not emotionally strong enough to look him in the eye and say goodbye forever. It hurts too much. So...I'm going to proceed with my plan and go from there.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 He did tell me this weekend that the feelings that he has for me he doesn't have for W. Well....yippee for me!!! So why not get a divorce!!! Sorry...I'm just bitter. See, he shouldn't be saying stuff like that. idiot! You end it the way want to.
MustBeLove Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks. That is so true about being ready. I've known for a very long time that all of the advice I've been given by all of you was the right thing for me to do. I just wasn't ready. I think now that I am truly ready to take that step. I'm going to his apt. this weekend to get my things. I need one more weekend with him to be certain that I am ready to walk away for the right reasons. I know that may sound weird but my reasons for that are that the majority of the weekends that he and I have together also include my 3 year old son. It's difficult for us to have any truly quality time together with a toddler. I need some time with him without the distraction of my son. I'm going to start writing my letter this week and have it ready for the weekend. I plan to leave it when I leave his place after the weekend. Perhaps that's a chicken way to handle things but I know that I am just not emotionally strong enough to look him in the eye and say goodbye forever. It hurts too much. So...I'm going to proceed with my plan and go from there. I know what your talking about. It is very hard. I tried writing a letter and have NC it lasted about 30 min. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. I wish you the best of luck. You can do what ever you need to do.
PoshPrincess Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Bailey, you have to do whatever's right for YOU and your son. My son is the same age as yours and was one of the main reasons I decided NC with exMM was for the best. Although my son never knew exMM (they met a couple of times v briefly) the way I was dealing with it all was indirectly affecting him and I am positive he was picking up on my unhappiness. I was on such a downer I couldn't concentrate on anything apart from MM and I knew I had to change that for his sake if nothing else. Now that I have finally made the break I enjoy the time I have with my son so much more, which is no more than he deserves. He has met my BF now and they get on great which is such a relief. This is the first man he has known me to be 'with' and doesn't remember his Dad and I being together (Dad has GF now also) so things are as 'normal' as they will ever be for him. I know your son and MM obviously have a good relationship which must make things harder for you. Think about what is best for BOTH of you in the long term. People often tell us to take one day at a time but in these cases I sometimes think it better to think about the long term and how this sitch could affect your future. If MM wants to be with you above all else then he will be. I guess he needs to know what it's like to be without you. As you say, the longer it drags on the more it's killing your R. If he doesn't have the balls to put his money where his mouth is, so to speak, you will eventually start to lose respect for him as I did for my MM, although I obviously still respect his decision to be with his family. Your case is a little different of course. Lots of luck with whatever you decide.
frannie Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 He did tell me this weekend that the feelings that he has for me he doesn't have for W. Well....yippee for me!!! So why not get a divorce!!! Sorry...I'm just bitter. If he still has feelings of this kind for his W it's really no wonder he still isn't divorced.
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