Ok... Explain this to me...

[iamsofoolish80]

So I should never want to get back with my girlfriend if she wants me back?????

 

5 weeks ago, my girlfriend broke down and told me that she was so hurt. She states that our arguing has gotten out of hand and to the point where she no longer feels like coming home after work because her stomach turns to have to think that we're going to argue again.

 

In a nutshell, I would stress out with work, come home and use her as my verbal punching bag. She would try to suggest things to me and I shot them down... Don't get me wrong I'm not a complete @sshole. She and I have had GREAT times in the 7 years we were together, even until recently, but she says it's almost like playing Russian Roulette. She never knew when I was ready to argue. Then it complicates things because she is not the type of person to express her feelings, so she would keep all of this inside. We are both 26-years-old.

 

Well, now she's gone. She's been gone for 5 weeks. I asked her if she didn't want to be with me and she says she doesn't know. She says she needs time to think about what she really wants. She moved out and is staying at her mom's place.

 

We have never had a NO CONTACT period that lasted over 5 days. At this time, I have entered Counseling for Anger/Stress Management and have also joined a gym, in fact have lost 35lbs in the 5 weeks. I've also become more involved in doing other things for myself.

 

BUT guys... I'm not stupid. This woman was awesome and I took her for granted. I really want her back. I offered the option of Couple's Counseling and she really just says "I don't know".

 

Since she's been gone, We have seen each other about 4-5 times. No sex. She comes to pick up her mail from my home and to grab some clothes and she still hasn't moved all her stuff. She lives in NY. I live in NJ. We have gone out to lunch and dinner when she's come over and we have also gone out on 2 "dates" which were really nice! Again, no sex. Just lots of conversing and going with the flow.

 

YES, NO CONTACT does make us miss each other more and the conversations seem friendlier after that period, but at this point... I don't know what to do. I really pushed things over the limit this past Monday.

 

I was headed to NY and she was here in NJ so I called her and asked her if she wanted a ride back to NY. She said, "Sure I appreciate it" as it is really cold. When she saw me she had a smile from ear to ear. We drove in and it felt like our first date. We joked and spoke and I complimented her on how beautiful she looked and she complimented me on how I nice I look as I had lost some weight. We kept grabbin' each others hands. And really just a pleasant time. When we got to NY, at her stop, she said, Well, this is my stop. She gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then she stopped herself and kissed me on the lips. She said... Good Night... I said Good Night, but I held her hand and asked for another kiss... she gave it to me, but she seem to feel uncomfortable at that point, because I asked for another. Guys... bear with me... I miss this girl. Ive been living with her for 6 years. We were practically married. I was going to propose the earlier part of this month.

 

Anyhow, we spoke about it today... about Monday and she said she did feel awkward because its almost as if I backed her into a corner. She said she felt "guilty" because of the situation. I didn't mean to make her feel like that so I apologized and she said there was nothing to apologize for as those are valid feelings and she understands but that when she's around me, she feels a little weird because she feels as she is expected to do or say something.

 

So at this point, I'm not sure what I need to do. I feel bad. I miss her a lot. I really do want to marry this woman. I know it's not going to happen any time soon because of this situation, or may not happen at all, but I don't want ot lose her like this. I want to get her to recognize that she doesn't have to feel FORCED. She did tell me that the kiss on the llips was genuine and that it felt "NICE", likewise was the hug.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[silentcharon]

Kinda sounds like my own break up.

 

You sound like me. What did I do? I did exactly what you did, I went to counselling and so on, I pursued my ex for months with no success at all. We still did all sorts of things together, but he still didn't want to be with me. I didn't get it until a few months ago, I just gave up completely and moved on. I am currently dating a new guy, and my ex told me earlier, "If you had left me alone in the beginning, I would have figured out that I still loved you." I would have gotten my answers a lot sooner if I had left him alone in the beginning, rather than nine months later. It'll nearly be a year next week.

 

Reflecting on my own situation, I would highly suggest that you leave her alone. Of course she doesn't know! She still loves you, but she doesn't want to be with you! You can tell her over and over again that you've changed till you're blue in your face, she still won't listen to you. It's been too soon- all you've done is give her words. She's looking for actions!

 

Not short term actions, you have to be CONSISTENT with your actions over time, into the long term.

 

I would suggest NC as well, and use the time to work on yourself. She might come back, she might not. Let this be a lesson learned, with her or anyone else you might end up with in the future.

[D-Lish]

I really think you just have to continue being patient, as aforementioned- she needs to SEE the progress, not just the intent to change.

 

When you see one another, keep the conversations light. Don't introduce any heavy relationship talk.

 

If you want her back- you want it to be on her terms. This is important because if she comes back because you pressure her- she'll be returning out of guilt. And that would only lead to resentment. So, you need to let her take the lead- let her bring up the serious talking- She has to be the one to make the decision to return.

 

It seems like you guys still have the opportunity for sporadic contact- that is good. It gives you the opporunity to show her your progress. i also agree that you shouldn't talk about all the changes you are making- you need to show her. That is how you will have impact on her return.

 

Continue to be patient- :-)

D

[iamsofoolish80]

First, thanks for the replies... I appreciate your input.

 

I haven't told her I have changed or that I want to change, etc. She does know I'm going to counseling, because I STUPIDLY put her down as my EMERGENCY contact person and the therapist called her looking for me... It was out of habit! Since she's lived with me for 6 years, that's the person who was designated. Anyhow, we spoke about that and all I really said about it is that it's a great experience because she's reluctant to go to Counseling for herself to deal with abandonment issues as a child, including being an outcast in her family and withholding on expressing her emotions.

 

Other than that, I haven't said anything about changing, except for the 1st week when I was actually BEGGING her to stay with me and give me another chance. After that, I haven't begged. I'm just stupid to ask questions and she says... "I hate when you do that... you drag things and ask 'But why?'". So that's definitely something I need to stop.

 

She actually was the one to acknowledge in me the effort that she sees to change. Losing weight... Getting involved in activities I always put off due to time restraints... and my interpersonal interactions. In casual settings she pointed out that I wasn't being as uptight and high strung as I usually am, not only with her, but with my family, my clients, and people in general. So I guess that's a good thing. I just humbly dropped my head and then thanked her. Because she paid a compliment.

 

I just wish I didn't keep screwing things up and jumping ahead of myself. I've done it 2 times already. I would've probably already had her back if I had not jumped ahead of myself... once on Jan 7 and then again this past Monday. Women HATE men that are needy and that's what I made her feel Monday when I asked for another kiss. That I was needy and yet, that first kiss and hug satisfied her. UGH! I hate this! I swear... she doesn't come back I don't want to know anything about relationships for at least the next 3-5 years! This is too much to deal with! This is the first relationship I've given a damn about and it's the one to fall apart because of ME. Maybe I was trying TOO hard!