Selfish father now claims to want to be there.

[crzyblndstar]

Amaysn, you are totally helping me out right now. Thank you so much. It is nice to hear this stuff from someone who has been through it. I didn't realize that you could kind of make your own schedule, I just thought they went by the state's parenting time guidelines.

 

Where I live it definately takes a while to get seen in court unless you file for an emergency hearing and people have different definitions of emergency.

[crzyblndstar]

Tink, I had a feeling that statement was going to be taken wrong. Sorry, I should have been more clear. I understand him wanting to spend a holiday with his son. What I was saying is that if he goes for another 6 months without seeing him at all and then all of a sudden Christmas comes and he decides he wants him because it is his holiday even tho he hasn't been around half the year. I could just see him doing that to spite me.

[tinktronik]

I had a lawyer draw up ours. It came in the divorce decree. I told you about it before. It's liberal. Mutually agreed upon.

 

You could ask for it in light of the fact that he hasn't really had an active role in his life so far. You could ask the judge to allow you both to use descretion. But in order to do that you have to be nice about visits now. You have to begin to work with him. Let him see your son whenever he asks for him. This way he'll think you're willing to work it out with him. No matter what. And he won't fight you on it.

 

Plus support is based partially on the amount of time he has with the child. If he knows he's going to be in and out he may realize he runs the risk of a support increase due to him not seeing the child as often as he is ordered to. You may want to remind him of that. If it's set in stone and he screws up your son will get more money.

 

If Christmas becomes uncomfortable for you just say no. If it's not mutually agreed upon than too bad. What's he going to do? Take you to court? It takes weeks to get before a judge where I live. How about you?

 

You have to play it safe and smart when you deal with someone who's manipulative. Try to always stay one step ahead of them.

Just to make you aware . In that situation their are steps any ex could take . With a court ordered time for the ex's visitation , if the other parents refuses , he could either call the police , they do enforce court orders.

Or two he could take her to court , it would most likely take a long time before the Judge would hear it . BUT ... If it happens enough (3 times is I think the standard in my state )the judge may decide to award custody to the ex parent because the custodial is considered Hostile . This is bad advice , do not set up any court ordered anything if you do not plan to honor it.

[tinktronik]

Tink, I had a feeling that statement was going to be taken wrong. Sorry, I should have been more clear. I understand him wanting to spend a holiday with his son. What I was saying is that if he goes for another 6 months without seeing him at all and then all of a sudden Christmas comes and he decides he wants him because it is his holiday even tho he hasn't been around half the year. I could just see him doing that to spite me.

If he dosen't show , I could understand not wanting it to upset your son. But what then? Do you never allow him to see his Dad again?

 

 

I'm sorry , I just don't think its in the worst interest of letting a child see a parent except under the very worst circumstances. If your ex dosen't show , yes it will be dissapointing to your child , but at least he'll get a chance to know for himself who his father is and have the experience of his Dad around "some " in his life , rather than not have the chance to have Dad around at all and just have to wonder.

[amaysngrace]

The thing is you don't know which way he's going to go. He may step up like you say you want him to, which would be the best possible case scenario for your son, or he may fade out which I believe is much more likely.

 

Meanwhile he will still have an obligation to support your son.

 

My ex and I worked out Christmas. At first he made demands which would have included my children not getting to see my parents. But we worked it out. I even went and picked up my kids at his house and brought them back later after they got to visit with my family.

 

I took into consideration that he was hosting a gathering and this way he didn't have to leave his guests. It was nice to do. Plus my kids didn't have to get behind the wheel with him after he drank if he so chose to.

 

It all works out. Just right now be sure you are getting what you want from it all. Know what you want, what you can and can't live with, and be flexible a little. He is his dad too. Even if he's a piss-poor one.

 

But the ultimate goal is for your son to have two parents who love him. To let him know how much he means to you both. To have as much love in his life as is possible.

 

Probably your ex will eventually hang himself. Just don't you be the one to tie the noose.

[crzyblndstar]

Tink, you are right, it is not in the worst interest of my son seeing his father. I am planning on letting him see him but I want to make sure he is going to plan on being there for good. I guess I just don't think it is too much to ask to sit down with him (or on the phone or email or whatever) and do a visitation schedule with him and tell him he has to stick with it. I am not going to bother with the court stuff until I think he is really planning on being there. Right now he is going to do things my way. And I don't mean I am going to make things hard or difficult for him. I just mean that he is going to pick him up when he says and he is going to help me support him. Whether that is giving me money directly, helping pay for daycare, or just buying him diapers and clothes and shoes when he needs them, it doesn't matter to me as long as he helps. I guess I want to know tho, how many chances am I supposed to give him? I mean do I let him in and out until my son can make his own decision?

 

I don't know maybe I won't even have to worry about this for awhile, ever since I told him that I expect him to help out with money, I haven't heard anything. I told him to take some time and think about it and then let me know. I guess I will just wait and see.

[amaysngrace]

This is bad advice , do not set up any court ordered anything if you do not plan to honor it.

 

That's why I suggested liberal visitation. To be mutually agreed upon by both parties.

 

It was advice given to me by an attorney BTW.

[tinktronik]

Tink, you are right, it is not in the worst interest of my son seeing his father. I am planning on letting him see him but I want to make sure he is going to plan on being there for good. I guess I just don't think it is too much to ask to sit down with him (or on the phone or email or whatever) and do a visitation schedule with him and tell him he has to stick with it. I am not going to bother with the court stuff until I think he is really planning on being there. Right now he is going to do things my way. And I don't mean I am going to make things hard or difficult for him. I just mean that he is going to pick him up when he says and he is going to help me support him. Whether that is giving me money directly, helping pay for daycare, or just buying him diapers and clothes and shoes when he needs them, it doesn't matter to me as long as he helps. I guess I want to know tho, how many chances am I supposed to give him? I mean do I let him in and out until my son can make his own decision?

 

I don't know maybe I won't even have to worry about this for awhile, ever since I told him that I expect him to help out with money, I haven't heard anything. I told him to take some time and think about it and then let me know. I guess I will just wait and see.

That is the question I was asking you .

[tinktronik]

That's why I suggested liberal visitation. To be mutually agreed upon by both parties.

 

It was advice given to me by an attorney BTW.

I did not catch in that specifically that you meant liberal visitation, but whats the point at all to set up any visitation schedual if you are not going to keep it ? Or honor your word .

[amaysngrace]

I did not catch in that specifically that you meant liberal visitation, but whats the point at all to set up any visitation schedual if you are not going to keep it ? Or honor your word .

 

Because if he is making unrealistic demands, ie: Christmas Eve overnight when there has already been a tradition established, she can say no. It's not going back on her word if nothing has been ordered.

 

I guess they didn't teach you that in law school, huh?

[crzyblndstar]

Tink, I get what you are trying to say. That it wouldn't be right for me to tell him that he is never allowed to see him again. But, am I supposed to let him come back just long enough to have a relationship with my son and then leave again for awhile and let him do this over and over again until my son is old enough to decide how he feels?

[tinktronik]

Because if he is making unrealistic demands, ie: Christmas Eve overnight when there has already been a tradition established, she can say no. It's not going back on her word if nothing has been ordered.

 

I guess they didn't teach you that in law school, huh?

Hmmm, thats a lot of attitude over someone not agreeing with you .

Law School= advice on raising kids . ???

I believe what I said was that if there is something AGREED upon it should be honored and not set up if it was not intended to be followed.

 

It is okay for me to have my own opinion ...right???

[tinktronik]

Tink, I get what you are trying to say. That it wouldn't be right for me to tell him that he is never allowed to see him again. But, am I supposed to let him come back just long enough to have a relationship with my son and then leave again for awhile and let him do this over and over again until my son is old enough to decide how he feels?

I asked you the question.... I did not tell you anything, your reading that into it.

That ultimatly is up to you or a court to decide . Do you think it would harm your son to have his dad as an unstable presence in his life? probably yes it would . Do you think it would harm your son to have his dad completely absentee from his life ? Most likely .

 

Either of these things really sucks . But this is up to you. You know what Dad is like , yes? You know Dad most likely won't show on time may miss some visits . So don't tell your son he's going untill Dad gets there. Don't make a big thing out of his visits untill he shows regularly . Don't set up in your sons eyes what his father should be , just let him see for himself what his dad is and keep emotionality out of it . If it does not work , well then you have the same descision to make again.

[amaysngrace]

Hmmm, thats a lot of attitude over someone not agreeing with you .

Law School= advice on raising kids . ???

I believe what I said was that if there is something AGREED upon it should be honored and not set up if it was not intended to be followed.

 

It is okay for me to have my own opinion ...right???

 

Sometimes free advice has zero value. Nice job on having her second guess herself BTW.

 

Maybe next time you should take the time to read before replying on what is or isn't bad advice.

[tinktronik]

Sometimes free advice has zero value. Nice job on having her second guess herself BTW.

 

Maybe next time you should take the time to read before replying on what is or isn't bad advice.

Woah ...

 

So you think Im here to what , just make her second guess herself? Nope , just have a different perspective on it . Difference of opinion , thats all.

[crzyblndstar]

Thank you to both of you. That is exactly what I needed was different opinions from people who are not emotionally tied into the situation. Right now, I am just going to go with things and see if he even responds back. If he has changed as much as he claims that he has, he will be willing to agree with me on certain terms. But, I honestly don't know how much a person can change in 6 months.

 

I just don't know now how I am going to introduce him back into my son's life. It is obvious that someone that my son knows will have to be there for awhile until they get reacquainted, but I just don't know who that is going to be. I don't particularly want to be there. I still don't trust being alone with him. He is a very angry person and I never know what he has going on in that mind of his. But, I also know that he will not come around my parents because he knows that they hate him for what he did to me and he does not have a mentally healthy family. So I guess somehow I am going to have to get over it and meet him in public or something.

[luvtoto]

I understand him wanting to spend a holiday with his son. What I was saying is that if he goes for another 6 months without seeing him at all and then all of a sudden Christmas comes and he decides he wants him because it is his holiday even tho he hasn't been around half the year. I could just see him doing that to spite me.

This is where 'sole' custody would be important for you to establish. He can spite you all he wants...but, it won't matter. You have the courts on your side.

 

In sole custody, one parent makes the major decisions. Even where one parent has sole custody, the other parent often has the right to be informed, consulted, and to offer an opinion about the decision.

But, major decisions, such as the child’s daily routine, are made by the parent who is caring for the child at the time.

[crzyblndstar]

Well, my son's father has pretty much made up my mind for me. After I sent him the email telling him that if he wanted to be in my son's life he is going to have to REALLY be there, including supporting him emotionally and financially, I still have yet to hear from him. I know that it has only been a week but if you really want to be in your child's life, it wouldn't take this long to reply back. All it is showing me is that he has not changed nearly like he said he had. I already know that in a couple of months I will get another email about him wanting to be there again with no mention of what I said in this last email. I am not trying to make this hard for him, but I am not going to allow him to be only a half-a$$ father. If he truly wants to be a daddy he is going to have to be one all the way. It just kills me that he would rather not be in his son's life at all, than to have to help support him. But, that is how he is, so I am not surprised. Thanks for everyone's advice.

[vluna00]

Ok so I am really late jumping on the bus but I would like to input on this. MY first comment is to stop emailing each other. This is for many reasons:

1. Sometimes we go overboard with comments that doesn't flatter anyone and 2. The meaning gets lost somewhere between the screen and our thinking cap. I am a young mother who goes through this same issue every single day. So I would say I know what you are going through. Here are some pointers that can help you out.

1. Meet at a mutual place with the "father". If you have an older, wiser, mutual person that can mediate that would be great. Lay down the "LAW" right there and then. Your expectation and rules. Allow him to respond. (This is the moment that you will want to jump across the table and beat him up but don't) This works really good with me and the sperm donor.

2. Never speak ill of the "father" around the child. That is just not healthy for anyone.

3. Allow monitored phone calls (make sure that the other half DOES NOT speak of future outing plans with the little one) I will reject phone calls if my son's other half speaks of plans over the phone. (This helps when they decide to make plans and then they break them)

4. You know that mutual friend that you had for #1? If they are close to you and you trust them very much, you may make arrangements for the "father" to start off his visitations there.

5. IF YOU HAVE NOT WENT TO COURT AND FILED FOR CUSTODY AND THE FATHER IS ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE BE CAREFUL!!! IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT HIM FLEEING OR NOT RETURNING YOUR CHILD, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE CUSTODY. SOME STATES LIKE FLORIDA WILL NOT GET INVOLVED WITH RETRIEVING YOUR CHILD IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CUSTODY PAPER SET IN PLACE. THEY WILL PRETTY MUCH TELL YOU TO STEAL HIM BACK.

6. When you are ready to let him take the little one on outings do not let the little one know about it. Pack items secretly make sure the child is ready if he shows up. If he doesn't show up, the little one will not have known, there for you will not have to heal a broken heart.

7. If he goes a year with out contacting your child or supporting your child you can receive full/sole custody with out him really involved in it.

8. WE DON'T ALWAYS SEE THE HORRIBLE MONSTER THAT IS IN FRONT OF US UNTIL AFTER WE ARE BOND FOREVER THROUGH A CHILD. HOWEVER THIS DOES NOT MEAN SINCE YOU HAVE FINALLY NOTICE THE MONSTER YOU SHOULD DECLARE IT TO YOUR CHILD. NEVER, NEVER SPEAK OF THE TROUBLES PERTAINING TO THE "FATHER" AROUND YOUR SON. DO YOUR BEST TO ALLOW A FREE FLOWING COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE TWO. IF YOU RAISE HIM RIGHT AND THE FATHER CONTINUES TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD, YOUR SON WILL TAKE NOTICE. THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL IT BE HIS CHOICE TO SEE THE MONSTER FOR WHAT HE IS.