Im such a crap mum!

[drama_queen]

Hi Ill apologise beforehand if this gets long but please please read on and give me some advice! Thankyou

 

Well i have a son whos just turned 2.This all started about a year ago.Ive begun to feel so crappy.Im constantly upset and crying about anything and everything.I feel that everything i do will effect my son.Hes sooo clingy,he wont leave me alone.He wont play with his toys for very long before he cries for me or wants my attention.He has temper tantrums if he doesnt get what he wants but i dont know what he wants all the time because he cant talk properly he hardly says anything!A few words thats it.

Some of my friends has kids and they are about the same age and there speaking fine and arent clingy at all.

I have a brother who well went abit crazy and set fires and was picked on at school and hes been in prison twice as he set fire to a church and he tried to kill my dad.

Well my mum said that my brother used to act like my son when he was younger and im terrified he will turn out like him!

 

Ive become so miserable now that i cry and on weekdays i stay in a home most the time with my son.Im bored and feel so alone.I really want a job for 16 hours just to get out the house but im not flexible enough so its hard.

 

Most days i stay in watch tv and play with my son and then wait until his daddy/my bf get home.

My bf has noticed that im always upset and crying and i feel i cant talk to anyone.I have friends houses i can go to which i do but they work.When i do go round i talk to them about something and my son crys so i feel embarrassed and feel i have to make an excuse to go home.

 

I get stressed with my son (I never have or never will hit him or hurt him in anyway) and go in another room then come back but i try to find something to stop him crying so he gets his own way.

 

At weekends when my son goes to bed i go out to the pub with a friend and if i get drunk i get really upset or mardy.

Ive tried talking to my bf about the way i feel but he just says stop feeling sorry for yourself or tells me to go out.

 

The thing i dont understand is that even though i want to go out, i want to stay in at the same time and just want everyone to leave me alone.

People have noticed the way im being and asked why i never talked to them but i feel ashamed of myself.I have a house a bf and a beautiful little boy why arent i happy?

 

I realise that alot of how a person is ,is to do with how there taught in there life from a young age.Im scared my son will grow up like my brother or even worse.

 

I remember my grandad saying to me when i was pregnant just before he died that id make a really good mum.Well im not im awful at it.I feel such a failure and have even thought about ending it all but i wont because i dont want that for my son or anyone else around me.

 

I really dont know what is wrong please will someone help?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Please see a counselor, I think that would be a good start.

 

As far as your son goes, children will behave in the manner that you tolerate. You need to set boundaries for him. Yes, he will cry for you, and it will be hard to say no, but eventually he will learn that you are not his personal toy/entertainment. It would be very good for him to socialize with other children his age, preferably without you. Perhaps daycare for a few hours? If this is not possible, maybe form a playcircle with other mothers and rotate responsibility for the children? Does his dad spend time with him? He may be missing this male influence. I think some time outside the house would be good for you, as well. Perhaps volunteer work or classes.

[Touche]

CG gave you excellent advice. And I don't think you're a bad mother at all. You sound like you're suffering from depression and may need help with that. And I also think you should look into a play date group. I think it would be good for him to be around other kids. Is there a park nearby? I used to take our son to the park on nice days. He loved interacting with the other kids and I got to meet some of the parents there.

 

Your son doesn't have to turn out like your brother. Toddlers can be difficult. Now is the time to teach him a little discipline. Put him in time outs for a couple of minutes when he's out of line.

 

Also, maybe cut down on the TV watching with him. What are you both watching? Set aside time to do little projects with him and read to him. I used to also walk outside the house with our son and I'd talk to him the whole time and describe what we were seeing. He started really talking at 2 1/2 to 3 years of age. He was kind of behind in his talking too but now that he's 10 he has an excellent vocabulary and we can't get him to STOP talking;)

 

Don't worry, it does get better.

[drama_queen]

Thanks for the replies.I have rang up a parent and toddler group but its only for an hour a week which to me seems a little short i would have thought it would have been for at least two hours a week.

 

I took my son for his two week check up a week ago and she said he seemed happy and lively and i told her about his speech so she said to get him in at a parent and toddler group so hopefully he should be attending one soon.

 

As for the tv he watches the kid channel cbeebies.He hardly ever sits down and watches it without playing or running around doing something,unless one of his favourites comes on.

 

His dad does spend time with him whenever he can.He works most the week but when he has a day off he always playing with him and things.

 

I do take my son to the park when i can but as its winter at the minute its abit cold so hopefuly the parent and toddler group will be good for him to play and things.

 

As for being depressed i dont see how i could be as i have nothing to be depressed about really.I have a house a bf and a kid most people would love that.I dont understand it!

 

When my son has his temper tantrums ive been told to walk out the room for him to calm down and then come back in and to try to ask him what he wants because eventually he will start to ask fo things instead of just screaming.It does work sometimes and hopefully he will be talking soon.I must admit im not very good at disiplining him as when he does something naughty and i try to tell him off he either laughs and carries on or cries and i feel awful.Sometimes i think he thinks hes not doing anything naughty and he just playing,until i take something off him and he starts to scream and cry.Sometimes i wonder what the neighbours must think because the walls are thin and i can hear the neighbours so they must be able to hear us.One minute he giggling and where messing around the next hes screaming like ive really hurt him or something and i worry that they might think im hurting him or something

 

I do tend to worry quite abit i cant help it i worry about what people think of me and what im doing like if im hurting my son because of his screams and crying.Also though and this may sound strange.But i cooked him something for his tea i let it cool and he was eating it fine and he left abit and when i looked at it it seemed abit squidgey(it was some of those airoplane shaped turkey things with breadcrumbs on).I panicked thinking it wasnt cooked properly even though it was done for the right time.He seemed ok and i put him to bed but then i started thinking stupid things like what if it wasnt cooked and it would kill him and things and how id feel and what people would think of me.

He was fine and it was me just going over the top because thats what those things are supposed to be like but sometimes i feel like im going nuts because i worry about things like that.

 

When he was little and he couldnt roll over properly he woke up one morning so i took him in my room and layed him on the bed so i could get dressed.I turned around and the next minute i heard a thud and screaming so i rushed over because he had rolled over and fell to the floor.I picked him up hugged him and he was screaming for ages but managed to calm him down.But i wooried he might have hurt himself badly so i rang my bf crying,he works around the corner and he came and checked him out.He seemed ok but i felt so ashamed of myself.I should have known not to take my eye of him.If i hadnt it would of never happened!

 

I feel like all i do is worry its not just about my son but about other things to.Am i going crazy?

[littlekitty]

Some good advice. It sounds to me as though you could be suffering with depression, quite possibly Post-Natal Depression. See your Doctor in the first instance.

 

Two year olds are always pushing your boundries. Which is why you have to ensure you set boundries. You are the adult, he is the child. It is your responsibility to tell him no and stick to it. Otherwise he will grow up to believe that he should always get his own way! It might be very tough initially, but it will get better the more boundries you create for him.

 

Regarding the talking, all children do this at various rates/times. Quit comparing him to other children and just ensure you spend time talking to him and playing with him. No doubt there are things your child can do that these 'talkers' can't yet!

 

You need to sort out your depression first though. Your son will be feeding off this, and it's probably part of the reason he is clingy.

[Storyrider]

It is hard staying home with kids full time, harder for some personalities than others. Maybe you're like me--I thrive in an environment where there is at least a basic routine and structure.

 

At home with kids it is all on you to create the structure so you can maintain your sense of self and your sanity, and your son can feel happy and secure b/c he knows what the boundaries are.

 

I think Touche's playgroup idea is a good one. Even more for yourself than for your boy. You need to see other adults every day if you can, establish a structure, and get out of the house as much as possible. See if you can make new friends who stay at home, like you, and take turns going to each others' houses for the day when the weather is bad. I used to do this and cook a meal with the other mom, then split what we cooked and bring it home. Our kids would nap together and play together all day.

 

When you are home alone, try to stick by a basic schedule to create a sense of structure for you both.

 

His clinginess may result partially from his sensing your depression. Also, he may be overly dependent on you b/c he isn't socializing with other kids.

 

You aren't alone in your feelings, and it is OK to be bored with being a mom. It is something you are giving to your son as a gift, but not everyone enjoys doing it all the time. Sometimes it is just work.

[Austanne]

Understand that 2 Year Olds are a Challenge. That's what you signed up for when you had the baby.

 

When you look at how children would be raised in nature, and look at other animals raising their young, it is completely normal to have them want to be near you. He grew inside you, he knows you, you are love and goodness to him. Why would he want to play with a toy when you are the best toy there is?

 

When my son gets whiny and clingy, chances are he needs something. If it is not a physical need, it is an emotional one. I can get upset and frustrated, and try to get him to pay attention to something else, or I can just spend that time with him. Usually when I give him what he needs (cuddle time, playtime, storytime, etc.) he settles down and will play on his own for a while.

 

He's 2 Years old. Of coure he is dependant on you. Don't fault him for it. He is your unique son, not like any other child out there. Take care of yourself, and get out and be around other mommies. Take some time for yourself. Get some therapy.

 

I just started on Antidepressants, they're helping me to feel more even. I had his Dad rock him to sleep while I took a shower every night. I let that be just a little "Me" time, and it made a HUGE difference. I would come out of the shower, feeling good, the baby was asleep, and I could eat something, relax, and rest.

 

Hugs to you mama. I know where you're at.

[NIKI 28]

I just would like to say that I have a 3 year old who is also clingy, however he speaks better me. hahahhahahaa

I mean I know you aren't in a joking mood right now, but look at it this way. At least you aren't a single mother, had to move to another state with your child so ya'll can stay with my mother in order for ourlives to get better, and oh on top of that a so called man who is trying to make you look like a hoe. Now, do you want to switch lives?? What I'm saying is that you are going to be okay. Do you believe in GOD?? Well if you do or don't now is the time to start praying. Instill the word in him and you'll be okay and so would your son. What I've learn is men are different from women so their worries are totally different, so your bf is not going to understand you. Sometimes, you just have to give the situation to GOD and I'm talking to myself. I have alot of worries about when it comes to my son, but I know that I can't lose no hair over every little details. Do I make sense?? I hope everything goes well for you and girl enjoy your house, your child and your man.

 

PEACE

[bleedinghrt]

Please go to your local school district and ask for an eval done on your child. At age 2 there should be emerging language skills and if there is a delay he may qualify for speech therapy. There are special education laws put in place that will allow you to have him tested. They have 30 days from the day of your request to have a full eval done and an IEP ind. education Plan set in place for your child.

Two is a very difficult age they are trying to figure out where they fit into the world and are trying to gain some indepence.

I have a degree in early child development and taught children at risk for 6 years.

Be patient, make sure that you maintain a routine in the house. Try to schedule what you need to do in a day and make a chart so that your son can see where you are on the schedule. Set goals for him that he can reach and reward him with positive input when he does.

 

Feel free to pm me if you would like to talk further about this.

[boshemia]

You may not have anything to really be depressed about in your eyes, but what you have described sounds very much like depression to me. Counseling is a godsend, and I don't know how I would have mad it this far without it.

 

Raising toddlers is diffucult, so don't feel ashamed. I had three kids, three years or less apart. I survived to the teens now with my oldest only to discover it's a lot like have a really big toddler in the house! She pouts, she clings, she throws tantrums, only now... she has a stereo and boyfriends!

 

I had a terrible childhood, and I was a terrible child. My worst fears were that they would turn out like me, and I would turn out like my mother. To alleviate those fears I read everything I could on parenting, I got advice from people I trusted, I took parenting classes. I didn't try to do it alone. My favorite parenting book thus far has been "Making You Children Mind Without Losing Yours" but all of them have had something that helped me a little. You just take what you can use and lose the rest.

 

Discipline is hard during the early years, very hard... but it pays off. Honestly, all joking aside I have three very wonderful, responsible, and compassionate children. They are nothing like I was, and I am proud to have them. They don't always clean their room the first time I ask, but since I became disabled they actually do more than their fair share of the housework. They are all three homeschooled this year and I can't believe that we spend 24/7 together with only minor disagreements.

 

My kids all talk up a blue streak, my youngests first full sentence was "No, not really, actually..." and I was wondering, when you talk to your son what kind of conversations do you have with him? I always talked to my kids like I would anyone else. I told them where we were going and why, I explained what I was doing as I cleaned, I told them what I was doing and how I was doing it.

 

I'm just wondering if you talk to him a lot like that, and if you do does he seem to understand it? Some kids just don't feel a need to talk, I would get it looked into... but barring physical reasons he might just not have found a reason yet.

[Trialbyfire]

They don't call this age the "terrible twos" for no reason. I'm not certain if you're son is doing this but many two year-olds learn the power of the word NO and will use it endlessly. He sounds like a normal, happy, rambunctious little boy. I honestly wouldn't worry so much.

 

Also, try to disregard the thoughtless comment that your mother made to you. I'm sure she meant well but I do feel it was inappropriate.