IslandGirl73 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Hi, I'm The Mw Who Met Om But Is Now Attempting Strict No Contact After He Abruptly Called It Off Over Week Ago And Am Using This Time To Avoid Him At All Costs, Esp. @ Work To Focus On Dear Hubby And Our Marriage To Give Us A 100% Fair Shot... But In The Interim Of Things, Sometimes We Cross Each Others Paths @ Work And Upon Noticing, We Cordially Say Hello To Each Other But Keep On Going...sometimes I Will Find Him Looking At Me From Afar Off....and The Other Day, He Came And Sat With Me During Lunch.... Even Though I'm Attempting Strict No Contact For My Marriage's Sake, Are These Occasional Run-in's W/om A Bad Idea? What's More, What Does O/m's Actions Mean Or Trying To Tell Me? Do They Mean Anything? Mind U, He Called It Off, And Now I'm Getting This From Him Once I've Basically Left Him Alone. Any Help From A Guy's Point Of View Would Help. It Just Makes My Heart Hurt More But I Don't Want To Read More Into His Gestures Than Whats There...
hardknocks Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 From an OM in NC for a month now. True NC is the best way to go.. it breaks the cycle and with time leads to emotional closurer. Contact and communication really just keeps the cycle of hurt going and prevents the OM from taking care of himself (and you yourself) and moving past this relationship. True NC is the most CARING thing you can do for him. Clean breaks heal faster. If it is true love he will be there when and if you decide to divorce. As for what your OM is thinking... hey he misses you, obviously, but he broke it off for a reason I am sure.. It hurts like hell.
frannie Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Even Though I'm Attempting Strict No Contact For My Marriage's Sake, Are These Occasional Run-in's W/om A Bad Idea? What's More, What Does O/m's Actions Mean Or Trying To Tell Me? Do They Mean Anything? Mind U, He Called It Off, And Now I'm Getting This From Him Once I've Basically Left Him Alone. An occasional cordial 'hello' from someone you never really had anything with and he ended it before it really began..? I would say that's fair enough at work. People say hello to each other all the time and it means nothing. But I would say, Writing Like This Is Hard To Read and I just don't get why you'd go to all that effort to make your post one that will get skimmed over by most people.
CarterAmeri Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 What is this NC all about? If you didnt mess around with someone else's marriage you would have to worry about NC. But to each his/her own. Yea. Dont talk to him/her. My guess is they dont want to talk to you since they ENDED IT.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I know i agree with the caps on each letter at the beginning of the sentence is goofy-but i didn't intentionally do that...i clicked submit and it posted that way...i don't know, some techinical goof w/the website?...anyways, thanks for your responses!
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 i didn't mess around w/someone else's marriage... i AM the mw....thanks for your advice. but i don't think its cuz he doesnt want to hear from like u think...
CarterAmeri Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 My apologies. Then since he is the single one. Cheers to him for finding his brain and running the other direction. How could you even start a relationship with someone that can give 100% but you couldnt give that to him. Dont you have a regret? Your worried about NC. Go work out your marriage or end it. But tell your husband tell him decide what he wants. I think he would like to make a decision about his life since you have been more concerned with yours
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 again, sometimes the heart takes over all sense of reasoning and even though its not the best scenario to be the OM involved with a MW, it still doesn't negate the fact that feelings for each other are there. otherwise, why would he come and reach out to me after cutting it off abruptly over a week ago? u can't really talk until u've been in my shoes...
norajane Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 jacquesette, this "relationship" with the guy at work has been going on, what? Two weeks? Something like that? Let's say a whole month. Look at yourself - you're a mess! You spend all your time obsessing over what he does, says, or how he's looking at you. You have stalked him over the phone, you have hunted him down at work, and you would have stalked him at his house had you known how to get there. All this after only one month, where you've barely spent time with him? What kind of raving lunatic do you think you're going to be if you keep this up? How is that doing any good for your marriage and children? For you own good, drop this. Get a grip and stop worrying about what he's thinking or doing. Ignore it altogether. You said you wanted to work on your marriage. Good. Then drop this childish infatuation and go to marriage counseling with your husband. Learn a lesson so at least something good can come out of this.
norajane Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 it still doesn't negate the fact that feelings for each other are there. Did you never learn that you do not have to ACT on any feelings? That you can acknowledge them and let them go? It's infatuation. Nothing more.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Bottomline once again, it doesn't matter anymore. The OM has chosen NOT to participate in an affair, get involved with you. Please, respect that. Respect yourself, him and most of all your husband, your vows that you said to him. NJ is right, all her words, so please listen to her. I will just say this, how would you like it if your husband was lusting after another woman, like you are with this other man? Wouldn't that just piss you off royally????
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 ok, i'lll bite, if the OM has chosen not to participate, then why would he initiate any type of contact with me while at work?
norajane Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 ok, i'lll bite, if the OM has chosen not to participate, then why would he initiate any type of contact with me while at work? Because it's a work setting, and he can't afford to make enemies, especially the kind that call endlessly and stalk him at his house.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 norajane, calling endlessly and stalking him at his house? i haven't called or been to his home in over a week, how is this considered stalking and that being said, again i ask, why does the dumper make the NC person so difficult by reaching out to you after u've given them what they wanted-to leave them alone! i don't think u're hearing me but thats ok...i will continue on what i've been doing for over a week now, and that is working on my end of NC and pretending at the workplace that it doesn't matter whether or not we talk-i will continue to just give OM his space, thx for listening!
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 ok, i'lll bite, if the OM has chosen not to participate, then why would he initiate any type of contact with me while at work? He is being professional. Professional people at work say hello, how are you? Nice day, have a good weekend....That's it. Please read my responses on your other threads.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 You act like you had this LONG LOVE AFFAIR with the man. Christ, it was only afew weeks, maybe intense, but still. You really need to get a grip! Please, leave him alone completely. Say hello while at work but then walk away. Your thought patterns about him are completely obsessive and getting worse. THINK of your husband, and the affect it's gonna have on your marriage if you don't stop your behaviour towards the OM.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 its much more to it than that...if all there was to be was quick hello's and how u're doing then why come sit with me when i'm minding my own business and not trying to pursue him? i'm sorry, but this means something, but just can't unravel this mystery. i will just continue on my road of NC other than being cordial and focus my energy on dear h and my marriage, thx.
norajane Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 norajane, calling endlessly and stalking him at his house? i haven't called or been to his home in over a week, how is this considered stalking Your calling last week was out of control, and you admit that yourself. You would have gone to his house, but you didn't know where it was so you called from the CVS parking lot...that's about as close to stalking as it gets without actually showing up on his doorstep. All of your actions last week have probably scared the crap out of this guy - now he knows what you are capable of, or is afraid of what you might be capable of. and that being said, again i ask, why does the dumper make the NC person so difficult by reaching out to you after u've given them what they wanted-to leave them alone! You are not acting like someone who wants to be left alone. He's acting like a co-worker, saying hello in the halls, sitting with you. He's doing that because he doesn't want trouble. He's probably being cordial because he's afraid that you would go crazy again and call and call and call and ask why he's not talking to you, or why he's acting cold...in fact, after YOU went to talk to him in the break room, you DID send email about why he was acting strange or distant or uncomfortable. You just don't quit, and he's picked up on it, so he's trying to keep you somewhat mollified with limited contact. i don't think u're hearing me but thats ok... And I believe you aren't listening to a word anyone is saying to you. i will continue on what i've been doing for over a week now, and that is working on my end of NC and pretending at the workplace that it doesn't matter whether or not we talk-i will continue to just give OM his space, thx for listening! Is it working? Really? Consider how many threads you've started about this guy; consider how freaked out you are about this; consider why you will not let this go. Consider why you are so obssessed about a guy you've known for a couple weeks. Your behavior is out of control.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 whichwayisup, i know that everything u've said is 100% correct and on the money, but the reality is, its easier said than done and although i so desperately want and need to follow your advice, its just so damn hard because it hurts so much.... i am though trying to focus on dh but can't get images of OM out of my head. this may be a sign for me that maybe I need to let go of dh, its not fair to him or i to continue this way. thanks so much for your advice. i will continue my attempts of strict NC, but right now, i'm so miserable, i miss OM sooooo much and the way i feel when i'm with him. I feel like i'm drowning, i wanna call him so bad right now but i can''t for fear of driving him away even further for good. i know if i have any chance of any of this working out for all parties involved, i have to first do the right thing by dh, either stay in my M or get out, before pursuing anyone else. but its just so damn hard, and although i don't want to come off desperate, I know the best thing i can do at this point is let OM go and give him his space and if its meant to be, he will be back, if not, then at least i will have my answer....in the mean time, I'm so torn and confused inside, thx for listening.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 whichwayisup, i know that everything u've said is 100% correct and on the money, but the reality is, its easier said than done and although i so desperately want and need to follow your advice, its just so damn hard because it hurts so much.... And I understand that you're in pain, I know it sucks... I just want to see you TRY to not think of him much, take it day by day, hour by hour if need be. Go out with girl friends, have some FUN. Laugh!! Be silly!! Forget him for a while... See, I think you're addicted to HOW he made you feel, you really aren't "inlove" with him, you're loving the fantasy of it all. Those feelings of lust, crush, attraction can be really overwhelming...And it hurts when the other person isn't feeling it. Reminds me of a guy I liked in highschool when I was a teenager. He was nice to me, but didn't "like" me the way I liked him. I took him asking me for a cigerette as HE WANTS ME and LOVES ME cuz he asked ME and not someone else...See how fuvcked up that thinking is??? LOL! Yes, let go, and do it slowly, but I really want you to work on your thought patterns. You've allowed yourself to think about him too much, and it is obsessive thinking...You let it happen and now you can UNlearn it by changing your thought patterns.... Thanks for this reply, I now feel like I've gotten through to you! And sorry I've been harsh, but I wanted to open your eyes before you start acting up again towards him...
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Norajane, i realize that my actions last week probably hampered his perception of me thats why i'm trying to negat that by practicing self control and not bothering him, esp at work. during our period of NC, he will then see that my actions was a temporary lapse of judgement and that he can trust that he won't have to be concerned of that happening again. and on my end, i will use this period of NC to focus on dh and my marriage. that being said, once I can build OM's rapport with me again, then maybe we can take baby steps and at least start by being FRIENDS. I know after my actions last week, i've got a lot of work cut out for me, but if I keep my cool and maintain my dignity at all times, OM will began to have a much better perception of me as a person, thx for listening.
norajane Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Norajane, i realize that my actions last week probably hampered his perception of me thats why i'm trying to negat that by practicing self control and not bothering him, esp at work. during our period of NC, he will then see that my actions was a temporary lapse of judgement and that he can trust that he won't have to be concerned of that happening again. and on my end, i will use this period of NC to focus on dh and my marriage. that being said, once I can build OM's rapport with me again, then maybe we can take baby steps and at least start by being FRIENDS. I know after my actions last week, i've got a lot of work cut out for me, but if I keep my cool and maintain my dignity at all times, OM will began to have a much better perception of me as a person, thx for listening. I hope you find some peace. Don't worry about friends or anything else for a while...it sucks for someone else to have such control over your emotions and I know it's hard for you. Relax, and do something fun with your husband this weekend.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 yes, whichwayisup, tough love is at the end the best way to go...thanks for your "tuff love" i know i can get past this, and to be honest, i actually was doing much better considering the circumstances, went out to the theme park on the weekend with dh and nephew, been focusing on my daughter and my daily routines here in the home and finally getting back on track. then when OM came and sat with me a couple days ago and then his cold reaction today, just totally screwed up my progess and i had a relapse...i took 2 steps forward only to fall 5 GIANT steps backwards:( you're right, i do need to cease trying to analyze his actions and why or why not he says/does what he does. otherwise, i know it will eventually drive me crazy if i'm not already at that point. i guess to avoid unscabbing my wound again, i just have to make sure i don't give him any opportunity to even speak to me while at work so that way i won't be tempted to read more into it than what it really is....just 2 coworkers at work trying to be cordial. its still very hard but i will try my best, i promise
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