I really need ...Could he still want to be the other guy??

[sstiles]

Hi, everybody,

 

I'm in a difficult situation and think that someone with experience at "being the other person" could help. This might get a little long, but there's quite a bit to explain. I'm 25 and finishing my undergrad degree. I have been married for 4 years and my husband is 36. Last semester, I took a class with a professor who was 34...young for university standards!

 

At first, I felt a pull towards him, but didn't think anything of it since I had always been faithful to my husband. Over time, it became clear that he was interested in me. I made it clear to him that I was married, casually in a conversation, and he looked pretty disappointed. We had a casual relationship, but I always got pretty nervous around him, and he got really nervous and fidgety around me too...he looked at me, and I melted. Every time he saw me, his eyes got "soft" around the edges and he would get the sweetest smile on his face...Things progressed and pretty soon it became clear that the interest was mutual (I had tried SO hard not to think about him!)

 

So, he was flirting with me through e-mail, and I had no clue...I wrote him a short one back, and on the next class, he looked really hurt...he would barely look at me, he was actually upset. And there I was, thinking it was because he didn't want me...Well, he seemed really disappointed! After that, even after thinking I had turned him down, he still stopped a lecture to stare at me smiling...He still wanted me.

 

So, here's the bad part...Towards the end of the semester, we still hadn't talked about what was happening, but we had both made it clear because of the flirting...At the end of the very last class, we ran into each other...He asked where I was headed....I heard something else, mentioned I had to go home and study, and then he started walking away from me really fast!! HOURS LATER, I realized he was trying to ask me out...and I missed it. He thought I turned him down!! I still saw him on the day of the final, and he looked pretty hurt. He would barely look at me. I'm sure he felt that I had just been teasing him (and thank God I was a straight A student, because he could have thought worse!). Still, I was too shy to say anything about it, and I just left. To make things worse, I e-mailed him that night and thanked him for how he handled my crush, which I thought was obvious and he had been really polite about !!!! How stupid can I be???

 

So, this was a month and a half ago. He's teaching at another campus, no longer my professor, never will be (I graduate this May). I CANNOT stop thinking about him. I have had this urge to call him and talk to him...I just don't know if he would like it or not...I'm afraid he'll think I'm a bad person (for being married and calling), or that maybe I was wrong and he didn't have feelings for me and I'll embarass myself.

 

But I think that, since he was NOT turned down, he should know about it! And, if I'm right and he did have feelings (because of countless things he did, and the way in which he did them), then I might have hurt his feelings too much....so, I don't know if he could have changed his mind that much -- if he had been so worried about my marriage, he wouldn't have flirted with me in the first place, right?

 

So, should I try to make up for my stupidity?? I keep thinking that, if he liked me then, and was EXTREMELY attracted to me (he made it clear that he thought I was gorgeous in his own way -- he was so cute!), maybe he'd like to hear from me again. I really just wanted know if someone who was at one time willing to be the other person, could change their minds that drastically...I wanna know if any of you guys think I might have a shot.

 

Sara

[whichwayisup]

HOURS LATER, I realized he was trying to ask me out...and I missed it. He thought I turned him down!! I still saw him on the day of the final, and he looked pretty hurt

 

Why is he even bothering you by asking you out??????? HELLO, he KNOWS you are married, so why is he acting all hurt. He's a grown man and is playing a game with you - The game is - I want HER and I am gonna get HER, screw the fact she's married, I won't stop until I "Get" her.

 

You're spending waaaaaaaayyy too much time on this guy. What about your husband? Are you planning on divorcing him or just choosing to cheat on him?

 

Sorry to sound harsh, it's just right now you're on the fence...And you DO have a choice here.

 

Before you choose to cheat on your husband think of this:

 

-You'll inflict pain on your husband.

-You'll lose his love, his respect and trust IMMEDIATELY when he finds out.

-You'll lose all that you've worked for, your home, your closeknit friends, inlaws, ANY comfort that you feel now - Say goodbye to as soon as you choose to cheat.

-Did I mention that you'll be hurting your husband and your marriage?

 

You are a married woman, so act like it. Remember your vows.

 

It's OK to have crushes, it happens...Sexual attraction happens too. Just because one is married doesn't mean you won't feel something for someone else. The thing is, once married, you can't act upon those feelings like you could if you were single. Part of being married is NOT reacting and thinking about the person who may have turned your head. Just keep it in perspective, don't let it turn into a big fantasy, an obsession.

 

Go read some threads in this section about OW, and their MM, their pain and how awful it is now - The pain involved. Then go read some threads in the infidelity section about betrayed spouses, dealing with the pain of having to learn about their spouses affair. How their lives got turned upside down.

Then, after doing some reading, spend time with your husband and see if you still want to cheat on him.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[hardknocks]

Let me get this straight.. you are still a MW right?

For God's sake.. if you CARE at all about this man and your H.. at all, don't do it.

So far everything you have said is text book on how affairs start.. the attraction level, how it is innocently starting, the ego boost of being wanted.

 

But don't do it. I was the OM and it was the most painful hurtful thing I have ever been apart of. And the worst part is you get in and then.. YOU GET STUCK and it is almost impossible to free yourself.

 

Some people start these affairs and they last for DECADES. And even if your's doesn't last that long I can promise a lot of pain for everybody involved.

 

And it sounds to me by his reactions he is already WAY into you. You will crush him when you become the carrot on the string always moving away from him.

 

Get your life straight first. If you don't want to be married then seperate and divorce and then date.. it's the only way - I promise you, your H and the OM aren't ready for the world of hurt affairs lead to.

[IslandGirl73]

hi, i happen to be in the same boat as u and am still left wondering the same question...u can see my orig story @ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109672/ and then read an update to his actions @ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110190/

 

i think after reading my second post, u will probably have your answer. although i'm trying really hard to focus on my marriage and dear hubby to give us a fair shot, i'm like u, i cannot stop thinking bout the OM...my heart leans toward him more and more everyday, esp. now since he's cut me off so abruptly. but i'm taking the period of strict no contact with him to give me and dear hubby a 100% chance at our marriage without the influence of OM in my life.

 

still, a BIG part of me wishes that he still wants me, even now...but right now, I can't really decipher what he's thinking or feeling because of his mixed signals, esp. the ones I'm getting from him during my period of strict No contact with him (i.e. like coming to my table to sit w/me @ lunch; eyeing me from afar, ect...) so u really can never tell, just give him time and space like I am and a chance to rethink his and yours options...

 

good luck

[hardknocks]

...why is he acting all hurt. He's a grown man and is playing a game with you - The game is - I want HER and I am gonna get HER, screw the fact she's married, I won't stop until I "Get" her.

 

 

Please becareful with the general characterizations. Even good people find themselves in affairs or being attracted to the wrong person. There are a lot of factors to this and labeling all OM/OW as 'players' or 'homewreckers' is very far from the truth.

 

In my experience when the attraction level gets this high it's due to TWO people's interaction - which the poster explains.

 

...Things progressed and pretty soon it became clear that the interest was mutual (I had tried SO hard not to think about him!)

[Reckless]

I don't think this is a troll but this is a very weird post. I guess this is how affairs start and we only get to see the ugly painful underbelly of the outcome here a loveshack.

 

I guess all affairs start with the flirty, carefree little dance that is in itself a thrill and only when the proverbial hits the fan do we see the husbands/wives turn up at LS, screaming about how they didn't know it was such a cheap stupid nasty thing to do and how they're sorry they hurt the person they made a promise to, cheapened themselves and fell into a dirty smutty merry-go-round of lies and deceit and guilt...

 

Interesting...

 

Oh your question

 

"...I wanna know if any of you guys think I might have a shot."

 

Sure, go ahead... knock yourself out - sounds like he'll be ready and eager if you make it clear that you missed his heavy hinting and you are indeed ready to have an emotional or sexual affair with him.

[sstiles]

Guys, thanks for your perspective...I have considered each and every thing you guys mentioned, I know it's wrong and everything else associated with it. I know it's stupid, I have ALWAYS done the right thing my whole life. I just believe very firmly that I am changing -- meeting this guy and falling for him like this is just a symptom.

 

There is nothing that anyone can do - not my husband, not the professor, not social rules or the threat of pain -- that wil turn back a process that has already started. I am not the same person I was when I got married. But I do NOT want to lose out on this, and the clock is ticking. Pretty soon he'll forget about me.

 

So, thanks for the advice but I really didn't post a question about whether I should save my marriage or not...I asked if a man who seemed to have feelings for me, and was willing to be with me at one time, might still feel that way even though he hasn't seen me in a month and a half.

 

The fact of the matter is, I can't really imagine letting go of him. If that makes me a horrible, morally despicable person, so be it. I know the truth about who I am and what I want.

 

Still, I really appreciate your responses and your concern!

 

Sara

[hardknocks]

Please do more reading about this.. I know you think you are different.

Go to Amazon - see all the books..

 

I know how it feels, I was there.. I know what my MW felt and said - it is all very similar to you - you are not (and I'm sorry to say) unique or different from most of the people that have affairs.

 

Plus - it's not ALL about YOU - I'm POSITIVE your H and the OM have NO idea what pain is coming their way due to YOUR decision.

 

Rethink it, consider it, talk to your family and do the RIGHT thing.. I know you can.

 

I promise you this.. if it is true love with your OM he will be there and he will understand if you take care of YOU and your Home before starting with him. If it is true.. he will be there when you are done and ready.

[sstiles]

I just read your story -- it seemed to me like your guy was very conflicted over how he felt for you! And you mentioned not talking to him anymore and trying to work on your marriage, but at the end of your second post, you asked if you had done something wrong...

 

Well, from what I saw, you were only being honest about how you felt! I wish I had been that bold when I had my chance. It is NOT your fault that he was having second thoughts about the two of you! I guess I'm replying to your post especially, because I can definitely relate to thinking about someone other than your spouse non-stop... The feeling of not knowing what could have been is worse than anything else. But I think our case is different in that I don't have kids, and absolutely no plans for any (mutual decision).

 

As for my case, there has been all the space in the world -- during the winter break, a month and a half, and he is teaching at another campus now. So I don't see him anymore.

 

I do have his number, and we did talk on the phone once (during the semester, about a make-up exam I had...the pretext was innocent enough - he asked me to call -, and we pretty much kept it very professional, but there was this amazing chemistry between us on the phone....well, that and the fact that he was REALLY nervous calling me back, and he said "I'm glad you called!" 3 times during a 7 minute conversation, ha!).

 

So, like you, I can't get the other guy out of my head...and I keep wondering if he still thinks of me too. Good luck with your feelings, though!

 

Sara

[MoonGirl]

sstiles,

 

If you no longer want to be with your husband, leave him and then you will be free to do what you want.

 

After deciding to leave my husband, I got in contact with an ex boyfriend of mine that I had a great connection with in the past. For the past few months we have seen each other as "friends", but both of us have overstepped the line emotionally. Even though our relationship is not physical, it is terribly confusing and causes both of us a lot of heartache. I have stepped back from this emotional affair in order to take care of things in my marriage first, like leaving my husband.

 

As you and I both know, the other man, no matter how smitten with us, will still question our morality if we choose to have an affair. This may not seem to matter to you now, but it could later. I could see that my OM was starting to loose respect for me. I'm sure he wondered why I wasn't leaving my marriage when I said I wanted to, why I would spend time with him instead of with the man I am married to, why I would get upset with him for not calling me when I was married to and living with another man. I put a stop to our meetings, phone calls, and emails for now so I can sort out my life and be able to have my OM as my only man. That is what I want, and that is what my OM deserves.

 

I know that you are caught up in the moment, in your emotions, in the sense of adventure that you have not had in a long time (if ever), in the newness of the experience, etc. But an affair is not fair to you, to your husband, or to the other man. You will be confused, you will feel extreme guilt, you will end up feeling as if you don't want to hurt either man, and you will end up hurting everyone involved.

 

I know you didn't come to LS to hear us talk about you fixing your marriage. If you don't want to fix your marriage, leave your husband before you move on to someone else. From the sounds of it, your husband has done nothing wrong. So why torture him? If you don't love him enough to be faithful to him, then let him go.

 

You can think of all sorts of reasons to justify your behavior. I thought that because my husband was abusive, that I deserved someone who would not abuse me. While this is true, I certainly should have left my abusive husband before getting involved with another guy.

 

Read all of the posts here on LS. None of the OW/OM live in a fairytale world. Most of the time, their world is painful and confusing. Your world as the MW with a H and an OW will be equally painful and confusing.

 

Bottom line: it's not worth the pain.

[sstiles]

I have absolutely no illusions about being different from anyone else who has an affair...mine wouldn't be the first or the last! It is NOT some cosmic work of fate that I met this guy and we both had feelings for each other. It was about two adults, feeling extremely pulled towards each other, and wanting more than anything to be as close as we possibly could be.

 

Notice I said two "adults".

 

He is a grown man, as someone else mentioned. I wasn't trying to make him want me, I just knew he did and it was impossible to hide that I wanted him too. I didn't try to persuade him, I didn't tease him or anything like that! There was mutual attraction, and then there were feelings.

 

But then, there was also my stupidity and my complete inability to think straight when he was around. So he misunderstood my behavior, and nothing happened. But I know it was ONLY because of me, and unknowingly so!!

 

If he didn't intend to pursue this, he wouldn't have done half the things he did. He's a 34-year-old man, I don't think he needs me to make his decisions for him.

 

Sara

[MoonGirl]

By the way, to answer your second post...if you 2 really do have true feelings for each other, then your professor should be fine waiting for you for a few months. I am in a similar predicament. I have no contact with my OM right now, and am preparing to move out of my house this next month. I have no idea if OM is waiting for me or if there is a future for us together. But I do know that I don't want to be with my husband, and I have accepted the fact that I may end up being alone.

 

The fear of being alone is enough to convince some people to have an affair to make sure the OM/OW really wants them before they leave their husband/wife. This is a crazy way to think, IMHO. It usually backfires too since once you have both a spouse and an OM/OW, then making a decision between the two is not pressing...you have both already!

 

What is your motivation for thinking of having an affair? Do you love your husband? Do you want to leave him? Do you want to be free to do what you want? Do you want to be with someone other than your husband even if it's not your professor?

[ThumbingMyWay]

I know the truth about who I am and what I want.

 

who exactly are YOU and what is it that you want?

 

Are you a faithful married wife or are you an adultress liar?

 

Do you want to be a married wife or do you want to be single?

 

 

You cant be both....well...you can I guess. But dont you think your husband has a say in what HE wants in a wife?

 

in the words of B_O..."I'm just saying..."

[hardknocks]

 

Notice I said two "adults".

 

 

I don't mean to aggrevate you - if you are by my posts. I speak from experience though. And I was a 32 year old, professional, executive, man and somehow, some way I still got stuck.. like many others.

 

If you are an adult, then that means to do the responsible thing. The responsible thing is to break up with your H before you engage in an affair.

 

Let me ask you though.. is this just some fling for you and him? or are you in love? Do you want to be with him instead of your H? or just have him on the side? Does the OM know all of this?

 

Maybe my perspective is off. But my MW was young, and unhappy in her marraige. No children. I knew being involved w/ a MW was wrong (and so did she).. but she said to me her marriage was over, she wasn't in love with him (although loved him cliche), she was different now, she had fallen out of love with him before I came along, she told me she wanted to be with me, have a life and family with me. But she needed help getting through the divorce and wanted me to be there for her.

 

She was very brave when she would talk to me, about getting divorced. But whenever the time came close to her actually following through, then something would prevent it. It is classic avoidance.

 

She became stuck. In love with me and not wanting to leave her H because she still cared for him. She was getting her emotional needs met from him and her romantic needs from me. She would justify her 'white lies' and not telling her H by saying it would crush him and she was protecting him which put her in the ethical dilema of caring versus honesty. Mind you I was in the same boat. She cared for him and she cared for me and that made it impossible. There are so many more reasons too.. that cause one to become stuck - your mind will start telling you whatever you do is a bad decision and it becomes very hard to get out.

 

And don't get me wrong either. In the beginning I was brave too. I thought I could take the pain for her. And it was wonderful at the start and still was (which is another thing that made it so hard) to end.

 

Even though you are both adults.. I would imagine you have never really been in this situation before and you should take the advice of people that have been through it. Being and adult certainly doesn't make you and expert at anything, including love.

 

Anyway, I won't hound you anymore on the subject. If this is just a fling.. then perhaps you have a different perspective then me. If you are truly serious about the OM and about ending your M.. then show your determination by getting a divorce.

 

The statistics and stories about what you are about to do are to say the least ... grim.

[sstiles]

To start the post in order of your first comment - that's the problem, I don't KNOW if there were true feelings or not! I think he had feelings for me, because of how he acted, but I haven't had enough experience with guys to know what their reactions really mean (one of the reasons why I didn't know he was asking me out, ha!)!

 

He could have gotten hurt because his pride was hurt, not because he had feelings. Even though my very first instinct every time we saw each other, and from the way he looked and smiled at me, was that there was more than just sexual attraction there. I really do think he liked me, and I started liking him too. But, I'm not SURE that's what it was, hence my hesitation to call him. I just wish I knew for a fact that, when a man is THAT into you, that it doesn't go away because they haven't seen you in a while.

 

To tell you the truth, though, and I know this won't be a popular comment, I don't think the feelings thing really matters. I like the fact that we liked each other, I liked him, he liked me. I can't get him out of my head, and I probably won't until I make this right -- until I let him know what really happened, even if his response is now negative.

 

I keep hoping someone will say "he was totally into you, he did like you, go for it because he'll still say yes". But I know that, when it comes to emotions, there are no guarantess. I WILL have to take a chance if I really want him. And I do.

 

As for my motivation for having an affair, I did not have one until I met this guy. Men tend to find me attractive, and I had been asked out twice before - not only did I say no, but there wasn't even a little bit of an inclination to say yes!! Both times,I definitely did NOT see it coming, and I came home, told my husband and we both laughed about it.

 

Not with *him*. I fought it with everything I had. I actually went on a trip for 2.5 weeks during the semester and told myself I wouldn't feel anything when I got back. Then, he opened his mouth to ask me how it had gone (and kept asking questions, in front of the class....he had missed me quite a bit!), and my heart started racing and pounding as I struggled to get out the words to answer him. It was then that I first knew I was really in trouble, and I had feelings for him.

 

I do love my husband. I know this IS text book affair, as Hardknocks mentioned -- but lately I have not been IN love with him. We were already questioning our marriage 6 months prior to my meeting this guy. There was quite a bit of hurt involved, and counseling. We finished it, everything seemed fine. And then the new semester started. But that rough spot took away some of my enchantment about marriage. I think I was definitely too young. I don't think it was right for me. My husband knows all this. But he doesn't know I still feel this way.

 

I don't have any hopes of an affair solving anything, but what I DO know is that if I let this go, I'll never know what could have been. And I've done that too many times, it is NOT a good game to play. And, try not to beat me over the head, but I still think that would be worse than an affair.

 

Sara

[sstiles]

I'm not aggravated by your posts at all, I really like your comments!

 

You did help me see it from the OM's perspective, which had not entered my mind that much. Your story is very interesting and I'm sorry it didn't work out for you guys. It is a hard situation.

 

Again, thank you so much for your insights!

 

Sara

[hardknocks]

well, I wish I could talk to you and tell you truly what it was like and how unprepared we all were.

 

Step I. Take care of you and your current relationship and the man you currently are committed to and make only promises that you will keep.

 

Step II. Move on to what you want.

 

This is true caring and compassion for both of the men in your life as well as yourself. Honest, brave and right. Be strong!

[MoonGirl]

sstiles,

 

I am not going to beat you over the head. I understand how you feel. Despite my husband being abusive to me and me not being in love with him anymore, I still have loving feelings for him. Even though I hate him at times, I have no desire to hurt him. Like you, I have the desire to feel passionate, caring love from my OM.

 

Like you, I had no intentions of feeling a strong attraction to another man. I called my ex BF because I needed some support after I realized I needed to leave my husband (yeah yeah...stupid idea..I know). My ex has always been very rational, caring, and helpful. I hadn't seen him for years. Even though I had dreamt about him and thought about him a lot, I figured it was just a stupid fantasy I had because my marriage was so bad. Then when I saw him again, my heart exploded. I thought about him day and night...I could barely even sleep. And I also thought about my husband and how I didn't want to hurt him.

 

For me, the thoughts of OM became an obsession almost and I knew that I HAD to know if he loved me and wanted to be with me. The problem is my OM has very strong morals and will not tell me how he feels until after I leave my husband. He will not tell me he wants to be with me. Thus, I don't actually know how he feels, which has torn me apart for months. He discusses the future, he looks at me with longing eyes, and he reminds me of the great times we had together in the past. This is the only way I know how he felt or feels. Even if your OM does tell you how he feels, it will tear you apart because you will be so confused.

 

Even if your OM tells you how he feels, what will that change for you? If he says he wants to be with you, will you leave your husband? If he says he doesn't want to be with you, will you stay with your husband?

 

In my opinion, sorting out your feelings for your husband FIRST will make your situation less confusing. If you're worried that you'll be left standing alone with no man by your side, that is a chance you take. Still, it is not very probable since there are many many men in the world looking for attractive, educated, 25-year-old women.

[norajane]

I do love my husband.

 

Love isn't something you feel; it's something you DO. Pursuing an affair is not a loving act. In fact, it's an act of betrayal, disrespect, disloyalty, and dishonesty.

 

It is selfish and self-centered of you to move forward and betray your husband's trust to suit yourself. It is selfish and self-centered of you to involve another person in your marital issues. Not only will your husband be hurt, but so will this professor of yours, and you will be the one who is left with no self-respect in the end.

 

 

I don't have any hopes of an affair solving anything,

You show a naiive outlook. Hope that the affair will solve anything? There's no chance of that. An affair will destroy everything, including your ability to be honest with yourself You will learn to be a liar, a sneak, adept at deception and deceit. You wil be torn in two different directions. You will destory your marriage. You will destroy this other man when you discover your infatuation isn't exciting anymore...just like you fell out of love with your husband, you will eventually fall out of love with the other man. Hormonal rushes only take you so far before they fade.

 

No, an affair won't solve a thing, but it WILL create all kinds of new problems you haven't even considered.

 

 

but what I DO know is that if I let this go, I'll never know what could have been.

Sure, and you knew when you married that you would never know about all the other zillions of men you haven't met. Your obligation is to your marriage first, not to yourself. If you truly no longer want to be with your husband, then do him a favor and divorce. Because this way, you are preventing your husband from making informed choices about his life, and you are preventing him from knowing what "could have been" with all the wonderful women he meets and turns down in favor of remaining loyal to his marriage vows.

 

Don't you think he might want his own true love? Set him free to be with someone who loves him.

 

but I still think that would be worse than an affair.

I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are. I suspect you will find out, though, since you clearly are set on your path.

[GreenEyedLady]

SSTILES: It isn't wise to put your name on your posts...

[Guest]

i don't think you are really listening. it seems like you're asking about what is going on in this guy's mind, and they're telling you that it usually doesn't work out, he's playing a game, blah blah blah. people usually don't last in relationsips where time spent is limited and there are secrets. so it could be that it's just a game of lets see if i can conquer the W/H's position. it's competition. if he "get's" you, then, if he's like every other guy, he won't want you anymore.