Antares23 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I am so confused. I am 25, and have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. He is totally untraditional, and has told me on man occasions that he never wants to get married. We started dating when I was 22, and back then everything was so new and great and we talked all the time of us being perfect for each other. I still feel this way, we agree on everything, and fight rarley. We are both in school, and have pretty busy lives, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Recently, my best friend of 15 years got engaged to her boyfriend who have only been dating EXACTLY 1 year less than us. This put me in a funk (she doesn't know this because I don't want her to know that I feel this way) about where I am going with this guy. He has told me in the past that he will never get married, but then to make me feel better after my friend got engaged, he told me him and a friend were going ring shopping for me, and that he had planned to ask me over Christmas, but he had a lot of family issues from that time period, and it never happened. So, here is my dilemma. He has told me that he will never get married, then two months later, tell me he was planning on asking me. Then, we went on a vacation to Miami, and I thought MAYBE he would ask me then. I got drunk one night, and sort of got into it with him about it. Since then, he has told me he will never marry me, and that he never wants to get married at all - again. He blames it on his parents horrible marriage, and says that it is a false sense of security, and does not prove anything to anyone. I think these are just excuses, but I just can't tell what he is really thinking. He says yes one minute, the next minute he says never. I know he has talked about it with my dad, and I just feel like he is either trying to steer me the wrong way so it will be a bigger surprise later, or he is really finally telling me that it will never happen. We are planning on going to see a professional, just so I can understand his opinions, and he mine. I don't want to leave him just yet because I think things can be worked out, or come to a compromise. I am going to give him at least 2 1/2 more years, maybe three, until I get into grad school, and then we will see what comes from that. I need some advice, maybe from people who have successfully made it out of this situation, and those who haven't. I feel like giving him up for this is silly, but there is a part of me that just craves that sense of committment. I feel stupid, and he says I should be happy because he takes care of me, and provides for me, and loves me. I do, but there is a sense that he wants to hang onto that one thread of "just in case" for the rest of his life. That makes me feel inadequate, and not as loved as my best friend, whose boyfriend obviously has no doubts about her. Please help!
laRubiaBonita Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 He is totally untraditional, and has told me on man occasions that he never wants to get married. Since then, he has told me he will never marry me, and that he never wants to get married at all - again. Basically He will Never Marry You. i dated a non-commital guy for 3.5 years in Hopes he would change.... and he might when he finds the girl he wants to marry... but it was Not me.
IpAncA Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Obviously if he's jumping back and forth then he's unsure of what he wants. On one hand he wants to but the other hand is making him doubt it. Since he experienced a bad situation with his parents, he may not want the same thing to happen to him. Could be other things like he mentioned too. Have you talked to him about the reasons why he doesn't want to? To be honest I don't know if he would change his thinking on this. It might take the right person to crack him and that person may or may not be you. If you want to wait and see what happends go ahead. Maybe he will become more consistant with what he's telling you later on.
Lennox Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 It's bullcrap. A guy knows within a few months of having a steady relationship with you to know if he wants to marry you or not. Things are convenient for him. He's getting what he wants, so why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free? It's an old saying, but it's true. BTW, when he really falls in love with a different woman, he's all of the sudden going to be "cured" of whatever his parent's so called bad marriage did to him. It's the same old song and dance routine. There is no such thing as a true committment phobic man. He's just not in love with you enough to marry you. A more honest answer from him would have been if he told you he didn't want to marry YOU, not ever get married. You're still young though. If it's convenient for you, go ahead and date him, do whatever you have to do to get to wherever you need to go in life. I'd keep my options open though in case a really nice guy comes along that you can trust and give your whole heart to.
BentSpine Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 I think one shows the commitment in the day in, day out actions.
Grrlish Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 We are planning on going to see a professional, just so I can understand his opinions, and he mine. Antares, I'm not clear on why the two of you need a professional to understand that you want to marry him and he doesn't want to marry you. I am going to give him at least 2 1/2 more years, maybe three, until I get into grad school, and then we will see what comes from that. 1. You may be deciding to give him another 3 years but don't think that you're the only one who might choose to walk away from the relationship. There's no way of knowing that he'll stick around that long. 2. Seriously now: I started dating a man just after I turned 21. He was 3 years older than me. We were madly in love. Inseperable. But the time was never quite right to get married. I could list the dozens of reasons that I heard but here's the important part: We dated for 8 1/2 years, and we're never did get married. He didn't get married until he turned FORTY. I love him dearly; he's one of my best friends. But I spent years making excuses for his fears and thinking: Okay, next year we'll get married. I have very, very few regrets in my life but I do, at times, regret spending nearly my entire 20s with a man who never committed to me. Antares, I recently wrote about the pressure that 'modern' society puts on women in regard to marriage. So-called modern society pressures women to feel bad or guilty or whatever you want to call it for wanting marriage as a part of their lives. I don't know if this has anything to do with you feeling silly about possibly giving him up because you want more of a commitment but maybe..? It is more than okay to want to have a partner in your life who wants to be your husband. Hon, we gals have a habit of listening to men tell us who they are and what they want (or don't want)...and yet, we don't listen. Again, I don't think that you need counseling to understand that you two are not in agreement in regard to marriage. ...he says I should be happy because he takes care of me, and provides for me, and loves me. He's asking you to settle for less than you want. I've been in your shoes more than once. It has been tempting to settle...but settling will only result in another one of those very, very few regrets.
crazy_grl Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I personally agree more with your bf. However, clearly marriage is something important to you. If it's something you feel like you need, then this guy probably isn't right for you. He said he never wants to get married. Believe him. Either decide that you're fine not being married or start looking for a guy who wants the same thing. I don't see any reason for two people who want very different things in life to wait around 3 more years to see if anything changes. Most likely, nothing will and it'll just be harder and more painful to seperate because you've added 3 more years of history together.
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