Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 *indian crying in the distance* Shumanie Tutonka Owacheeeeeee!!! LOL, alright alright! Enough of the movie anologies. Okay, lets get started! After jumping into Hard2Thinks situation I had decided to jump out for a bit and seperate myself from his situation and make a new post in the hopes that it will enlighten WS, BW and OW for all it is worth so they dont feel like I am projecting my sh*it onto them. This thread will not solve your problems, YOU have to do it on your own H2T. I am just a little light that shines in the darkness, so you can see the problems ahead and understand that you are not crazy. You are not a bad person and most importantly, you are not alone! Infidelity is a bad thing that happens to alot of good people on both sides. The ANGER is very common in affairs on both sides, such as you have seen with your BS, but the actual deed (cheating) stems from the WS and his/her inability to cope with his anger. Its a very frustrating business getting inside your head!!! My husband and I have successfully made it through his infidelity because we both do the work. We both carry the blame and the responsibility for our actions. We put each other first before anyone else. It is not easy. It is not pretty. It will chew you up inside and spit you out again, but in the end, the reward is love, understanding and ultimately, peace. Many WS have passive aggressive syndrome. That means they are angry people who dont know how to express themselves intelligently. They are a bit neurotic (childish) and narcissitic (selfish) and may be a conflict avoider in general. You have to do alot of work reading about those personality disorders to understand where it is coming from (and do the homework assignments) however, there is so little information about that online, especially the coping methods, and you cant really deal with it all by yourself or you will find yourself getting very, very angry for even trying. You have to re-train a PA's brain, modifying it by your behavior (not reacting with anger - to turn on your heel and walk away) and that is really REALLY hard to do without getting angry too. WS also has to get counselling and do the regular maintenance (practice) to deal with his personality disorder(s) in a non threatening manner. Meaning he doesnt want to hear this from his wife. People generally do not accept counselling because they dont feel they are crazy, but a personality disorder is not an insanity it is a learned behavior from our parents. This is why people often think infidelity is inheirited. Its how a WS learned to cope with problems watching Mommy and Daddy fight. Example of a typical PA arguement: A BW walks into the room and finds her WS sitting at the computer desk, but he isnt using the computer, he is watching a tv program instead. The computer is idle, but inside the WS head is anger that is a'rolling through is brain that he really does not how to express properly. He may have had a very complicated day at work and the anger or frustration has very little to do with the BW, but she is about to get sandbagged and doesnt even see it coming. BW: If you are watching tv, do you mind I use the computer? WS: Ha! You are on the computer all day sitting on your ass! Doing nothing! BW: I was reading something and wanted to finish the article, would you mind if I used it for a bit? WS: Arrrg! I work all day and I got to come home to this crap! Why do you always gotta mess with me? Cant a guy be left in peace? BW: (Growling) I am not fighting with you I just wanted to finish what I was doing. WTF! WS: Thats it! OMG I cant take this! I am going out!!! BW: (Insulted) Up yours Pal! See if I fu*cking care! Fu*cker! PA is a very frustrating defense mechanism many of the WS have. And I think we all somewhat PA to some degree (if a PA doesnt drive you to your very own mental breakdown) but some will use this to the Nth degree, especially the WS/FWS. I am married to a PA and used to spend much of my day GROWLING about his behavior. The insidious part of the WS is that they have been doing this since childhood so they don't even realize they are even doing it. If they feel they have been dragged somewhere that they didn't want to go to, they will sulk and generally be bad tempered. The WS will not discipline children so you end up being the bitch. They may even accuse you of being a bad mother. Naturally, that would make any good mother upset. When you become angry about a situation like the above, the WS will blame you for their behavior. That is the whole idea people. To make the BS angry because they cannot express the anger and rage inside them. A WS like H2T will be angry and blame his BS for his anger, because BS have spent less time doting on him or spending attention on him, which makes me think he has been behaving this way all these years to get that attention from her. He may roll over in bed and sulk like a child expecting her to read his mind and initiate sex. In an argument, the typical WS answers to confrontations are "I don't know", "I forgot", "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say!", "What do you want me to say?", turning things around, answering questions with questions or changing the topic altogether. Above all else, WS avoids conflict at all costs. In arguments the WS will leave the room, or stare blankly refusing to engage. To be continued... Feel free to comment/discuss while I stop to gather my thoughts and grab another cup of coffee so I can think straight.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 You described my friends husband to a T! (though he hasn't cheated on her and hopefully never will.) Makes sense and I do know his childhood wasn't a good one, he's had many broken relationships, friendships and seems to have "issues" here and there with co-workers too. Gonna have to pass this info on to her because he literally drives her NUTS! Good post R!
Zathrus Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Yeah I have a question. Do you have one of those stuffed tweety birds hanging from your rear-view mirror?
Author Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Thats funny... I tawt I taw a puddy tat!
Hard2Think Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 BW: If you are watching tv, do you mind I use the computer? WS: Ha! You are on the computer all day sitting on your ass! Doing nothing! I could never imagine myself saying something like that. I know very few, if any people who would. But if I ever did say something like that - I'm pretty sure I'd be in the ER getting a fork removed from my temple. BW: I was reading something and wanted to finish the article, would you mind if I used it for a bit? WS: Arrrg! I work all day and I got to come home to this crap! Why do you always gotta mess with me? Cant a guy be left in peace? Again, that's just over the top .. BW: (Growling) I am not fighting with you I just wanted to finish what I was doing. WTF! WS: Thats it! OMG I cant take this! I am going out!!! BW: (Insulted) Up yours Pal! See if I fu*cking care! Fu*cker! That maybe belongs in line 3 ..! Essentially you painted a picture of a woman politely asking for something perfectly reasonable from her spouse and getting abused as a result. If this is what you think I'm like then no wonder you're so bent out of shape. There's no way. I've never done anything like that. In fact, that's crazy. I can't even imagine having that kind conversation with my spouse even in the worst of times.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Many WS have passive aggressive syndrome. That means they are angry people who dont know how to express themselves intelligently. They are a bit neurotic (childish) and narcissitic (selfish) and may be a conflict avoider in general. I agree with you that this is the case for some WS. But not for all. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say this is the exception rather than the rule. Sure there are folks who, for whatever reason... feel entitled to cheat. They might feel bad for other people who get hurt by their actions, but their own "happiness" is paramount to them. Casualties are just an unfortunate by-product of the "entitled" cheater serving himself. This kind of guy might talk a good talk... but the bottom line is ALWAYS self-gratification. And truly, I think the 'entitled cheater' is more rare than what our psycho-babble-proned society gives credence to. I'm not talking about women now, but rather men... and honestly, I think cheating is a pothole which can trip up almost any "average joe". These days, I think a guy needs to have a pretty strong religious or morality-based center in order to keep that from happening. Bottom line... the male brain works differently than ours. I can't give you a link, (I got in trouble last time I did ) But there was an article that explained this soooo well I've never forgotten it. If you type in the words, "Readers Digest, Big Boys Don't Cry", you'll find it. And this particular snippet spoke VOLUMES to me: Why are many men so emotionally clueless? Blame the male brain. "Men are hard-wired differently," says David Powell, PhD, president of the International Center for Health Concerns, who explains that the connection between the left brain, home of logic, and the right, the seat of emotions, is much greater in women. "Women have the equivalent of an interstate highway, so they move readily between the right and left brains. For men the connection is like a meandering country lane, so we don't have such ready access to feelings." What that means essentially is that a man literally CANNOT process emotional information as fast as we do. He needs time to absorb the data before drawing a conclusion. And I think, more often than not, we don't give him the time to do it. Worse, he doesn't realize himself that he NEEDS to take more time. His initial response to emotional stimuli is very basic, and I think the best examples of a guy needing time is when he's confronted with frustration. His first line of emotional response is most likely to be anger. He's not sure what's being asked of him yet... but whatever it is, he's pretty sure it's not going to be pleasant. Lets work with RMD's earlier example: Example of a typical PA arguement: A BW walks into the room and finds her WS sitting at the computer desk, but he isnt using the computer, he is watching a tv program instead. The computer is idle, but inside the WS head is anger that is a'rolling through is brain that he really does not how to express properly. He may have had a very complicated day at work and the anger or frustration has very little to do with the BW, but she is about to get sandbagged and doesnt even see it coming. BW: If you are watching tv, do you mind I use the computer? WS: Ha! You are on the computer all day sitting on your ass! Doing nothing! BW: I was reading something and wanted to finish the article, would you mind if I used it for a bit? WS: Arrrg! I work all day and I got to come home to this crap! Why do you always gotta mess with me? Cant a guy be left in peace? BW: (Growling) I am not fighting with you I just wanted to finish what I was doing. WTF! WS: Thats it! OMG I cant take this! I am going out!!! BW: (Insulted) Up yours Pal! See if I fu*cking care! Fu*cker! The "average joe" when confronted with wife's request can react in the EXACT same way as the "PA guy". He's likely to be thinking... "Jesus.. why can't I just sit here minding my own business without her being all up my ass all the time. Couldn't she have looked at that later? God I'm starvin'. I don't smell any dinner started either. I bet I'm going to end up doing the f*cking cooking again tonight. Why is it that nothing I ever do makes her f*cking happy? This sucks." Sounds bad, right? But he doesn't have the tools we've got. He's immediately on guard and wondering what other sh*t is going to land in his lap. He still hasn't PROCESSED the emotional data. He needs enough time to see that the request is reasonable. Here we women are, with better tools, and yet... we don't CHOOSE to help him. All it takes is just giving him a couple of minutes. When a guy blows up on you like that... there's almost ALWAYS something else in the 'bull-pen' that's only half formulated. Even worse, culturally... we've kind of set him up for failure. A tired, hungry, guy comes home asking "What's for dinner?", and he's a knuckle-dragging chauvenist pig. He can't win if he's not comfortable enough to ask for help when he needs it. These days more often than not, the wife's tired and hungry too. He feels bad that he WANTS her to fix him some dinner. But... it IS what it is. Dinner is what he really wants, and he can't ASK for it without feeling like he's treating his mate like a Stepford Wife. These guys literally don't know how to please us. And worse, they're "hard-wired" to feel responsible for our unhappiness. It's a recipe for frustration. In that example, one little expression of interest in his well-being and a little time to sort out the information... would have put out the fire BEFORE escalation could occur. Now, is it fair that we women are the ones who are required to put ourselves out? ... No. Absolutely not. But life ain't always fair, and WE are the ones God gave the tools to. A man is what he is. Just like a dog is a dog, a cat is a cat, a fish is a fish, and a bird is a bird. We don't buy a dog... and then treat him like a cat. We'll end up with a bad dog if we do.
Hard2Think Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 LJ, That's downright brilliant and courageous of you to post something like that. That POV is not too popular with the Oprah crowd .. But you are 100% right.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Thank H2T. It would of course sound much more brilliant if I wasn't still stepping in sh*t from time to time myself. Recent example: Hubby comes into the bedroom at 11:00 to get ready for bed. I've JUST fallen asleep only 5 minutes ago, and he's making enought noise to wake me up... again. But the Lord didn't see fit to grace him with a wife that'll do his ironing for him unless his arm is literally BROKEN. And he needs to iron his shirt. My choices: I can get up, throw a big hissy fit, take my alarm clock and sleep on the couch. -OR- I can pull the pillow over my head and give him 10 minutes to get his sh*t together. Guess what I did. (????) I'll give you a hint.... :o :o
Hard2Think Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 LJ, I know! It's a trick question .. You got up, ironed the shirt for him, then had wild sex afterwards ..!
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 LJ, I know! It's a trick question .. You got up, ironed the shirt for him, then had wild sex afterwards ..! He wishes. Although, it might have improved the condition of my back this morning if I had. Turns out... our couch is rather lumpy.
Hard2Think Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 He wishes. Although, it might have improved the condition of my back this morning if I had. Turns out... our couch is rather lumpy. Noooooooooooooooo ...! (How did I guess wrong?) Well I commend you at least on not making him sleep on the couch ..
Author Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 You can deny it all you want to H2T, joke about it and follow LJ around by her apron strings, but I've read your posts your hellish marriage and how much you hated your wife. You most certianly are/were an abusive prick. Couldnt get through dinner without her wanting to stab you with the dessert fork. That PA/Narcissim gets downplayed pretty often, but your arrogance is profound. Re-write history much? It is terribly frustating to be cast in the role of the bad guy. Especially when you think you are not. But the WS needs a bad guy. They need an enemy. If they don't have a bad guy to blame all their problems on, they have to face the fact that some of the bad aspects of their lives are their own fault. So much easier to manipulate your spouse into becoming angry, or pestering you to keep your promises. Then you can blame all your unhappiness on them. They are the enemy. The bitch or the nag. The ones making demands on you, trying to control you. My husband was passive-aggressive also. He was so very, very invested in the behavior that he believed he was never angry. At anything. Not ever. He prided himself on the fact that he was laid-back and always cool. And he looked down on me because I was almost always angry. I could not figure out how that had happened. I was not this way when I met him, but the longer I was with him the angrier I got. Of course it was not true that he wasn't ever angry. He was a very angry man, but he was afraid or should I say unwilling to express that anger openly? So he repressed and passed on much of his anger along to me through passive-aggressive behavior. It took counseling and lots of reading before we realized I was carrying the anger for both of us, at least outwardly. Even after acknowledging his PA behavior and knowing that he wanted to change, it took a change in ME to really end the cycle between us. I knew that this was the key to getting rid of much of the anger that had so drained my life of joy. I gave myself a rule that I would not express anger around him no matter what. I told myself I would do this for a month. And it was hard. But effective. When none of his usual button-pushing produced the anger in me, he started to change. And that made it easier for me to continue a life without constant anger.
Ripples Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I really like both of what you, RMD and you LJ are saying here. Ok, so maybe there's a bit of not knowing my own mind at the moment! RMD, could you, would you tell me what you did to avoid showing anger in that first month? How did you manage it? I'd be very grateful for some advice, I'm unable to check my temper at the moment.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 You can deny it all you want to H2T, joke about it and follow LJ around by her apron strings, but I've read your posts your hellish marriage and how much you hated your wife. You most certianly are/were an abusive prick. Couldnt get through dinner without her wanting to stab you with the dessert fork. That PA/Narcissim gets downplayed pretty often, but your arrogance is profound. Hey... don't bring MY apron strings into this. I'd be willing to bet you money that I've had this guy mad enough at times to bite through a 10-penny nail. But I'm not reading passive-aggressive like you are... I'm reading conflict avoidance and poor communications. There's no reason NOT to believe that there were legitimate problems in the marriage previous to the infidelity.... or to believe that the betrayed spouse had no hand in them. Not that I'm blaming the wife for H2T's conscious decision to cheat. But we can't pin ALL the pre-affair issues exclusively on him either.
bluechocolate Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 WS - wayward spouse? FWS - former wayward spouse? Am I way off the ball here? A bit stumped on BW - is that - bitch wife?
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I really like both of what you, RMD and you LJ are saying here. Ok, so maybe there's a bit of not knowing my own mind at the moment! RMD, could you, would you tell me what you did to avoid showing anger in that first month? How did you manage it? I'd be very grateful for some advice, I'm unable to check my temper at the moment. Can't speak for RMD... but I don't do ANYTHING that leads down the path of resentment if I can help it. If I get mad, I try to take a "time-out" before I bring it up. Sometimes it's ME who's out-of-line and when I step back, I realize it. If it's not me though... I choose a good time and wade on in. I'm done avoiding conflict. It's never gotten me the results I wanted.
Author Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 LJ Behind every angry BW there is a passive agressive WS. I believe you truely want to help this man, but your heart is clouding your better judgement. Gilrfriend, do you really and truely believe he could have changed that drasticly since D-day last August? Do you believe in that myth? Knowing what you know now about H2T, would you bet your marriage on it if H2T was your husband? Theres no way in hell would you do that. It takes years, not a few months to overcome the issues rooted in infidelity. It takes alot of therapy, soul searching and hard work (not letter copying or mouthing the right words) to achieve that. He only responds what he likes to hear and out of kindness you are deliberately hand feeding the narcissit that is H2T. Rip, have you ever been accused of being a lightswitch when you know you were defending yourself against his ever changing mood swings? Dont let him manipulate you so easily. It is your love for him that allows him to do this to you. Think of your favorite song and hum the tune. Tune him right out of your head. Grit your teeth and lock your jaw if you must, but realize he is manipulating you into a reaction. Do not take his cue. Dont give the man the satis fu*cking faction of turning you on like that. Find an island in your mind away from the bullying and the mind games. Do not let his behavior effect yours. If you stay neutral, he will eventually give up. Do it day by day, for one month and when WS asks you about the change in you, talk to him about PA. Talk to him about his parents. Tell him you will not tolerate being treated like that anymore. Set your boundaries and maintain that. In my homework I have learned it is the betrayed spouse that is the catalyst to passive agressive WS. Without your reaction, it will not work. Get your I dont give a fu*ck on, girl. You can do it.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 LJ Behind every angry BW there is a passive agressive WS. I don't believe that. I've seen real-life examples of guys who gave up on their marriage because they already had an angry spouse. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? We only have one side of the story here. ...do you really and truely believe he could have changed that drasticly since D-day last August? Do you believe in that myth? Knowing what you know now about H2T, would you bet your marriage on it if H2T was your husband? Theres no way in hell would you do that. In all candor... I don't have a doubt in my mind that if confronted with a physical affair, I'd have selected to divorce my husband. Hell, I initially chose divorce based on less than that, and meant it too. But as far as H2T is concerned, there's no way for you or I to know what's truly in his heart. Only he knows that, and so I'm bound to give him the benefit of the doubt. Although, if he really HATED his wife... I can't believe he'd still be in the home. If it was only about financial security, hate to say it... but I think he'd have snipped off his nose to spite his face by now.
Author Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Blue chocolate BW = Betrayed Wife tho some people do call us Bitch Wife. LJ less than five months ago he HATED his BW with a passion and I believe that he still does. He just buried that resentment. It'll be back. It's just a matter of time. D-Day is a revelation whearas reconcilliation is where the true miracles happen. I dont believe he is remorseful. The fact is that he is a serial cheater. One affair is pretty bad, but two affairs? Come on. We wouldnt even be talking about this had he run off with his OW #2 like he planned. But he wasnt even forthcoming with that information. He was busted and he ran back to his BW like a crying bitch claiming he loved her more than anyone else. She doesnt believe him much, either. What is wrong with that picture? What are you seeing that I dont? Just because he says so doesnt mean it is the truth. WS are liars and cheaters and above all else, manipulators of the heart and mind. You would do well to remember that. I'm going to post some published articles I have read that has helped me & Romeo. Ones that PA effects the WS mindset. Maybe you might read them and see that this isnt some mental malfunction. PA is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned. Peace
bluechocolate Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Thanks RMD (see I can do acronyms too!). I honestly didn't know what those acronyms stood for. It doesn't help that they seem to change all the time! < unintentional hijack over >
Mz. Pixie Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Hey... don't bring MY apron strings into this. I'd be willing to bet you money that I've had this guy mad enough at times to bite through a 10-penny nail. But I'm not reading passive-aggressive like you are... I'm reading conflict avoidance and poor communications. There's no reason NOT to believe that there were legitimate problems in the marriage previous to the infidelity.... or to believe that the betrayed spouse had no hand in them. Not that I'm blaming the wife for H2T's conscious decision to cheat. But we can't pin ALL the pre-affair issues exclusively on him either. I'm with you LJ.
Author Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 THE BOOMERANG RELATIONSHIP Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger Lynne Namka http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people. Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship. While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance. The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot. The biggest irritant in being with a passive aggressive man is that he doesn't follow through on his agreements and promises. He dodges responsibility while insisting he's pulling his weight. He procrastinates, takes on big projects but doesn't finish them then feels put upon or hostile if someone else tries to finish it. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimalizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He often gives double messages and expects his partner to read his mind and meet his needs saying ‘She should have known how it is.' He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can't take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn't follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn't have to take it and accuses her of having the problem. The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies. He may have multiple relationships with women as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship. He is confused about which woman he wants and stays caught between the two women in his life not being able to commit fully to either. He is confused and can't understand why the women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make him feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth his deepest fears of dependency upon a woman. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness; he wants to be with the woman but stays confused whether she is the right partner for him or not. He is scared and insecure causing him to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit. He feels rejected and hurt when things don't go his way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected. He pushes people away first so he won't be rejected. He is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay. He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive him. He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe. The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 My husband and I have successfully made it through his infidelity because we both do the work. We both carry the blame and the responsibility for our actions. How is it you are responsible or are to blame for him cheating?
Ripples Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Can't speak for RMD... but I don't do ANYTHING that leads down the path of resentment if I can help it. If I get mad, I try to take a "time-out" before I bring it up. Sometimes it's ME who's out-of-line and when I step back, I realize it. If it's not me though... I choose a good time and wade on in. I'm done avoiding conflict. It's never gotten me the results I wanted. Right. I know when something is going to set me off, so I need to not do/say that thing. I've been practising CBT and it really works, but its such hard work. And I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only adult all the time. Rip, have you ever been accused of being a lightswitch when you know you were defending yourself against his ever changing mood swings?Yes, I think there is a bit of that, he knows which buttons to push. However, my mood swings can be pretty violent too Think of your favorite song and hum the tune. Tune him right out of your head. Grit your teeth and lock your jaw if you must, but realize he is manipulating you into a reaction. Do not take his cue. Dont give the man the satis fu*cking faction of turning you on like that. Find an island in your mind away from the bullying and the mind games. Do not let his behavior effect yours. If you stay neutral, he will eventually give up. Do it day by day, for one month and when WS asks you about the change in you, talk to him about PA. Talk to him about his parents. Tell him you will not tolerate being treated like that anymore. Set your boundaries and maintain that. In my homework I have learned it is the betrayed spouse that is the catalyst to passive agressive WS. Without your reaction, it will not work. Get your I dont give a fu*ck on, girl. You can do it. Right, am feeling all positive and stuff. You've both given me such a lot to think about and work on. Thank you both! Now, my favorite song....... "these boots were made for ..."
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