bperl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My wife moved out of the house last Saturday. We have been seperated since Dec 30, when I told her to move out as she was not putting any focus on working on the marriage. Some background: I was out in Las Vegas on a business trip at the end of November/ December. We talked every day on the phone and all seemed normal. She came out at the end of the trip and on the last night said to me she was not happy. I said that I would do whatever it takes to work on our marriage, and she seemed responsive. During December, she basically shut off all intimacy and would say things that were quite hurtful. She would also say things like I am 80% out of the marriage, but also say I love you. At the end of December, she said I am not sure I want to work on it anymore and I told her if that is the case, then she needs to leave. She spun me into depression via her games, and I am getting professional help for this. We have also gone to two marriage councilors and a psychiatrist who have said that there is nothing truly wrong with our marriage, that we just need to communicate. She has now moved out to an apartment but will not tell me where. I am not abusive, nor a stalker, so it does not make sense to me. She says that she is not having an affair, but that she needs her autonomy. I have given her 30 days to figure out whether or not she wants to work on fixing the marriage. Should I just give up and divorce her? [/sIZE][/FONT]
dgiirl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Should I just give up and divorce her? Do you want a divorce?
Author bperl Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Of course not! But, She has moved, won't tell me where she lives, and is putting no effort into working on the marriage. I just hate being led astray
Woggle Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Just divorce her. It will happen eventually so might as well get it over with.
dgiirl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Of course not! But, She has moved, won't tell me where she lives, and is putting no effort into working on the marriage. I just hate being led astray There's no gaurantee's in life. It's likely that your situation might end in divorce. It's just as possible it might not. But for your own ego's sake, if you want to "beat her to the punch line" and would feel better to divorce her first, then by all means, follow your ego and divorce her. However, if you dont WANT a divorce, then what actions are you personally taking to fix your marriage? Do you know why she's unhappy? How long have you two been having problems? What are the things you are responsible for for the failure in the marriage? You dont give too much detail on your marriage or background story, so it's extremely difficult for us to advise you on what to do.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 She says that she is not having an affair, but that she needs her autonomy. I have given her 30 days to figure out whether or not she wants to work on fixing the marriage. [/sIZE][/FONT] I would not believe this at all. Do some reading and you will find out that most of the time when a woman says she's unhappy or decides to seperate, there is someone else in the picture. More than half the men that go through this were convinced that there was noone else, but their actually was. I'm not saying that this is your case, but don't ever think for a minute that your S/O would not have someone else waiting in the works, it's fundamentally how they operate these days. Cheers!
PWSX3 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I have given her 30 days to figure out whether or not she wants to work on fixing the marriage. Should I just give up and divorce her? I am in a separation as we speak and it's been 5 months & I am just now getting to the point that I am understanding some of what I need to work on. This is something that I feel you can't put a time on, I tried at first. My W is just now starting to talk to me, email me once in a while, and going to our counselor on her own. She was the one that moved out so I don't feel a month is very long at all. Just like Dgiirl said, you need to look at yourself, what can "YOU" do to make it a better marriage? The only way you can do that is to look at yourself and start making yourself a better person, that is SOOOOO important. You don't have to tell her, you have to show her. As for her not telling you were she is that might be a good thing, you don't have to worry about what she is doing so you can spend more time making yourself a better person.
surfnbro74 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Bro, i agree with rooster_dar. I am also on my first month of separation and it seems like the way your wifes acting towards you, looks like she might be having an emotional or physical affair. She have all the signs of someone that is having an affair OR contemplating to find if the grass is greener on the other side. I hate to be negative, but when I read your post I had a DEJA VU of my situations. MY wife said and acted the same way as your wife and I would also like you ask her if theres someone else? She would always said "NO" she says that she just need some space to figure this all out and find herself for right now. So I gave her space and during that time of separation I kept feeling in my GUT theres more to this and theres gotta be a third party. But in the other hand my heart (cuz i still love her) tells me to stop listening to my gut feeling. So one minute I listen to my gut and the other minute I listen to my heart, pretty much going crazy to find the real answer about why shes wanting and doing this. I kept pursuing that question to her and she finally broke down and admitted that shes been talking to a co-worker and said that they are just friends. Of course, the "we are just friend" statement. Long story short, I started to believe im my gut feeling instead of my heart and told myself to just let it be and move on. Its been about a month now and I found out they are seeing each other outside of work. Its pretty obvious to me that i was right all along. What your wife said to you and the way shes acting was pretty much the same of my wife. Listen to what your GUT feeling saying instead of your heart cuz it doesnt want to face the truth. Good Luck Bro. Let me know if you have any other questions.
surfnbro74 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Bro, i agree with rooster_dar. I am also on my first month of separation and it seems like the way your wifes acting towards you, looks like she might be having an emotional or physical affair. She have all the signs of someone that is having an affair OR contemplating to find if the grass is greener on the other side. I hate to be negative, but when I read your post I had a DEJA VU of my situations. MY wife said and acted the same way as your wife and I was also curious like you, i ask her if theres someone else? She would always said "NO" she says that she just need some space to figure this all out and find herself for right now. So I gave her space and during that time of separation I kept feeling in my GUT theres more to this and theres gotta be a third party. But in the other hand my heart (cuz i still love her) tells me to stop listening to my gut feeling. So one minute I listen to my gut and the other minute I listen to my heart, pretty much going crazy to find the real answer about why shes wanting and doing this. I kept pursuing that question to her and she finally broke down and admitted that shes been talking to a co-worker and said that they are just friends. Of course, the "we are just friend" statement. Long story short, I started to believe im my gut feeling instead of my heart and told myself to just let it be and move on. Its been about a month now and I found out they are seeing each other outside of work. Its pretty obvious to me that i was right all along. What your wife said to you and the way shes acting was pretty much the same of my wife. Listen to what your GUT feeling saying instead of your heart cuz it doesnt want to face the truth. Good Luck Bro. Let me know if you have any other questions.
surfnbro74 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Bro, i agree with rooster_dar. I am also on my first month of separation and it seems like the way your wifes acting towards you, looks like she might be having an emotional or physical affair. She have all the signs of someone that is having an affair OR contemplating to find if the grass is greener on the other side. I hate to be negative, but when I read your post I had a DEJA VU of my situations. MY wife said and acted the same way as your wife and I would also like you ask her if theres someone else? She would always said "NO" she says that she just need some space to figure this all out and find herself for right now. So I gave her space and during that time of separation I kept feeling in my GUT theres more to this and theres gotta be a third party. But in the other hand my heart (cuz i still love her) tells me to stop listening to my gut feeling. So one minute I listen to my gut and the other minute I listen to my heart, pretty much going crazy to find the real answer about why shes wanting and doing this. I kept pursuing that question to her and she finally broke down and admitted that shes been talking to a co-worker and said that they are just friends. Of course, the "we are just friend" statement. Long story short, I started to believe im my gut feeling instead of my heart and told myself to just let it be and move on. Its been about a month now and I found out they are seeing each other outside of work. Its pretty obvious to me that i was right all along. What your wife said to you and the way shes acting was pretty much the same of my wife. Listen to what your GUT feeling saying instead of your heart cuz it doesnt want to face the truth. Good Luck Bro. Let me know if you have any other questions.
Gunny376 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 She's scroggin someone else, and its not you! Just that plain! Just that simple! I realize that, "that's" hard but it true! All day hard, but the sooner you choke down on it, the easier it gets! The simple truth of the matter is just as much as its a man's nature to "sow" his seed, its a woman's nature to gather it. Women like sex, what they don't like is bad sex, and most men are bad at it! Most men? Its "Wham, Bam! Thank You Ma'am!" My last LTR GF did all this thing with her hips, and I told her to quit it, I knew how to make love to a woman. And I do and I'm still learning!
Author bperl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 I thank those who have replied to this post. I have asked her outright both privatly and in counciling if she is having an affair. She claims that she is not. Her best friend, a girl, recently broke up with her BF , after cheating on him for 6 months. One thing that I can tie to this seperation is a project that she is working on for a school competition. It seems that since she has started this, she has decided to put us on the back burner. I acknowledge that we are over, hell, I have decided that she cannot come to the house until she either tells me where she lives and invites me over. My psychcatrist says to make her file for divorce, so that it is on her. I am not sure about this. I am trying to get her to go to a joint counciling session on Thursday, and there I will ask her outright one last time if she is having an affair. I am moving on, and each day gets easier, but if there is a possibility, I would choose to save my marriage.
PWSX3 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I feel you are trying to rush this to fast, you seem to want a answer right now & I understand I was in those shoes 5 months ago, but trust me if "YOU" really want to work this out it will take time, there are many things that are going on and each one needs to be addressed in it's own way and time. Just to maybe help you out, I cheated on my W over 15 years ago, I would have never told her I was cheating. That is like asking a thief if he stole anything, or course you are going to say "NO". If "YOU REALLY" want this to work, then I feel you need to do everything you can so then once it is over you can tell yourself; self I did everything I could do to make this work and it just wasn't meant to be, but at least then you can't look back and say; if I would have only done this or if I would have only done that. I wish you the best and use this time to look at yourself, what could you do better, what can you do to be a better person, it will help trust me.
Author bperl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 PWSX3, I would love more information on what you did, to guide me towards a positive resolution. I am in counciling (both Psych and soc), working on my personal life, and trying to deal with being alone.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I thank those who have replied to this post. I have asked her outright both privatly and in counciling if she is having an affair. She claims that she is not. Her best friend, a girl, recently broke up with her BF , after cheating on him for 6 months. One thing that I can tie to this seperation is a project that she is working on for a school competition. It seems that since she has started this, she has decided to put us on the back burner. I acknowledge that we are over, hell, I have decided that she cannot come to the house until she either tells me where she lives and invites me over. My psychcatrist says to make her file for divorce, so that it is on her. I am not sure about this. I am trying to get her to go to a joint counciling session on Thursday, and there I will ask her outright one last time if she is having an affair. I am moving on, and each day gets easier, but if there is a possibility, I would choose to save my marriage. Again it is possible there is nobody else in the picture, but one should never think for a minute that they would not do this, nor believe them when they tell you there is no other. You can ask, beg, and plead all you want for them to be truthful, but if they are contemplating another party you won't find out easily. I have been through many relationships where my partner was unfaithful, I know firsthand the things to look for and the kind of demeanor they project. I hope she is truthful, but just be careful of what you believe at this point. Cheers and good luck!
ilmw Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 PWSX3, I would love more information on what you did, to guide me towards a positive resolution. I am in counciling (both Psych and soc), working on my personal life, and trying to deal with being alone. Well.. you could take the time to read Pw's thread.... that would be a start. You will see how he was when he first came on LS... asking similar questions.. and in time he started giving the answers... This all takes time... we have all been in the "what do I do... what do I do" stage.... If you read other peoples threads who have or are going through what you are going through.... you will find encouragement... that you will get your self back... Right now.... you are dazed and confused... that is natural... we all went through it.... Damn... its 9 months for me... and I still get hit with "what the hell happened"... and I feel sick to my stomach... but you learn over time... to cope with it... you recover faster and faster....each time. I really suggest you start reading some self help books... for your self... and on relationships.... the knowledge you build is for you... it will help you in the long run... for you will start to see .... where you may have gone wrong... and where your DW went wrong.... this in itself helps you to except what has happened... You may or may not reconcile with your wife..... but the more you can work on yourself now... the more you can grow now... that you have the time to be by yourself... the better you will be in the long run.... because you will realise... that... you Now have a clue... and any woman who is lucky enough to be with you ... is going to be a lucky lady... just because you have the knowledge, skills and ability to keep them happy.... The knowledge comes with educating yourself.. and a lot of self reflection... get ride of your baggage...(it all comes with time... and 100% commitment from you) Also as gunny would say... "its time to man up"... do the right thing. Its time for you to get on with this.... Are you up to this challenge..? Best of luck ilmw
PWSX3 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 PWSX3, I would love more information on what you did, to guide me towards a positive resolution. I am in counciling (both Psych and soc), working on my personal life, and trying to deal with being alone. Everyone here is different and each situation is different but I'll just give you a few examples. 1) Doing the counsoling is a great start, and you should get a big thumbs up smilie if they had one around here. When I told people I was seeing a counselor I was surprised at how many people really thought that was cool, that I was wanting to learn what "I" could do. Trust me when me & the W talked about going I thought to myself; self isn't that what crazy people do? Isn't that were whimps go, but I'll tell you what, I have changed my mind about that and I think it's great that you are going. 2) Just like ilmw said, read the different threads here, you might not agree with all of them, they might not be just like your situation but if you can take just one piece from each one and just like putting a puzzle together each piece doesn't seem like much, but after a while you will have a complete puzzle. I have gotten so much help and support from here I have no idea where I would be without everyones help, I just can't amagine it. 3)Someone told me; it all takes baby steps and if you take a baby step each day after a while you look back and you have walked a mile. A baby step doesn't seem like much but it's better then doing nothing at all. 4)Again like you will hear alot on LS, pick up some self help books. Here are some I have read; His Needs, Her Needs, The Five Love Langueges, Bounderies, Divorce Busting. Now you have to remember in the last 25 years I have probably read 5 books so for me this was very much out of my box so if I can do it then anyone can do it. What these books do is make you think, see things different, and again there little pieces to that big puzzle you are trying to put together. The other thing I learned with the books is it might just not be what I need to learn but it gave me insight of what my W might be going thru so you start to understand a little why they do the things they have done. 5)When it was nice out I started to go on walks, gives you time to think, gives you time to see things you didn't see before. Look in the trees, see what is around you, you could even do like Dgiirl does and take a camera and start taking pictures. Then once the weather turned and we got snow I went indoors to a health club. Working out for an hour a day really makes you feel good about yourself, but it also does more. After a while you start getting tired of going and "you" have to make yourself want to go. There is no one to MAKE you go anymore so it is your will power that tells you it's time to go so you learn more about yourself and you can't blame anyone else, and in my case I got a bonus out of the deal, I've lost 41 pounds so there are many positives to working out. You will find by just doing small things to better yourself that other things come along with it. For example in order for me to keep my head in what I am reading I shut the TV and radio off, now I hardly watch any TV and I used to be one of those guys that sat in front of the TV all night. I lowered my cable to just the basic and now I have extra money for something else. That is something also I didn't think I could do is just set in the house with no sound, but I can do it and sometimes it's pretty nice, just quite.... I guess I was kind of one of those male pigs and expected the W to do a lot more of her share, but I have learned I can cook, I can do the laundry, and I started to realize I don't need someone to be my made and that your spouse is there to share you life and enjoy your happiness, not there to make your happiness. Please don't get me wrong, just like Ilmw said when I first came here I was a basket case, I spelled my guts and tried to be as honest as I could, and I asked all kinds of questions but after a while it gets easier and the hurt and pain isn't as bad. I hope I was able to maybe help just a little. It's hard at first but it does get easier & like some of the others here that have gone thru a divorce they will tell you even if we don't get back with our spouses there is life after so I figure I will win no matter what. I will be a better person because of this and that is because I choice to be!!!
Author bperl Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 I have read the 5 love languages, and even purchased a copy for her. I thought the book was great and pointed out a lot of things about our relationship that I had not recognized. She has yet to read it, and I am not sure she will. We spoke last night on the phone for 5 minutes after she received my text message that I dropped more of her stuff off at her folks (remember, I do not know where she lives now). During the coversation, I asked her how her school competition was going, to which she replied good, but keeping her really busy. I asked her if she has even has time to contemplate our marriage with all that she has going on (work, school, and the competition), and she said not really. I know it has only been 8 days of our 30 day cooloing off period, but we have now really been seperated for 30 days. I want to be patient, but where do I draw the line?
PWSX3 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 During the conversation, I asked her how her school competition was going, to which she replied good, but keeping her really busy. I asked her if she has even has time to contemplate our marriage with all that she has going on (work, school, and the competition), and she said not really. I know it has only been 8 days of our 30 day cooling off period, but we have now really been separated for 30 days. I want to be patient, but where do I draw the line? You have to look at it from her side sometimes, you asked her how things are going and she told you. She is busy with work, school & competition so where do you think the marriage fits in her life at this time? I would say at the bottom because of everything she has going on. She has other things to keep her mind busy but give her some time and hopefully she will start thinking about it. As for where do you draw the line that is something you have to decide for yourself. I have been married for 25 years and dated 2 years before that so you figure even if we took a year to work on getting back that is a VERY SMALL percent of our lives. I also don't feel like these last 5 months have been a waste & I really feel that has helped me. I have talked to people that went the other way, hit the bars hard, did as many woman/men as they could, did the drinking so they didn't have to think about there problems, but I choice to take this life lesson head on and that is what you will have to decide. Are you welling to work on bettering yourself? How much time are you welling to give that? It sounds like you have already started doing some good things and that is great, keep it up. I don't think anyone can tell you how long to wait, but if "you" are serous about wanting to stay together then you can't be in a hurry, but if "you" feel like you don't want to wait it out, to make sure you did everything you could have done, then I guess you can make that choice at anytime.
dgiirl Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 PW, I'm very impressed with everything you just wrote. And I agree with you 100%. I dont know how long the OP has been married, but putting a time limit of 30 days seems awfully short in the big scheme of things. I'm sure it took you a lot longer to get this marriage in the ditch, what makes you think it'll be back up with no problems in 30 days? When you give out ultimatums, be very prepared for someone to accept it and go the opposite direction of what you want.
ilmw Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 PW, I'm very impressed with everything you just wrote. And I agree with you 100%. I dont know how long the OP has been married, but putting a time limit of 30 days seems awfully short in the big scheme of things. I'm sure it took you a lot longer to get this marriage in the ditch, what makes you think it'll be back up with no problems in 30 days? When you give out ultimatums, be very prepared for someone to accept it and go the opposite direction of what you want. Your so right dgiirl... PW is getting good at this.. He will soon be the go to...Colorado Relationship Guru.
Author bperl Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 I know that 30 days sounds short, and maybe it is, but it is just a time fame for her to decided whether or not she wants to try to work on the marriage via counceling. Unfortunately for me, I do not have as many activities to keep me occupied, and I was the one blindsided by this, so I am the one dealing with more of the emotional issues. On top of this, I have the house, which always reminds me of her, since we had lived here since I bought it. I regards to working on myself, and improving myself, that is what I am doing. I really want to improve myself, not just for her, or any other person, but more importantly for myself. One of the things that I have learned from this is that I have an anxiety disorder which causes me to avoid crowds. This used to bother her as I did not like going to football games, and always got edgy when stuck in big crowds. I am now learning how to manage it and I hope that she sees this. The worst part of this is that I am not sure how to communicate with her during the seperation. should I follow those 30 some-odd rules, or should I try to tell her how I really feel. I am not sure, and nobody has given me a good answer. Any ideas?
PWSX3 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I know that 30 days sounds short, and maybe it is, but it is just a time frame for her to decided whether or not she wants to try to work on the marriage via counceling. Unfortunately for me, I do not have as many activities to keep me occupied, and I was the one blindsided by this, so I am the one dealing with more of the emotional issues. On top of this, I have the house, which always reminds me of her, since we had lived here since I bought it. This is a good time to get some new activities then. Not sure what your weather is like there, but even if you have snow such as we do there are things you can do outside. Dgiirl takes her camera for a walk, takes pictures of all kinds of things. Ilmw is thinking of getting back into skating after 10 years, (now I would like to see that:lmao:, sorry ilmw) I've gone to watch a friend country dance (I don't dance) and she even got me on the floor, (have to read my post I guess) and I also want to go snow showing, there is always working out, try a new hobby you have thought about but just never did it, or start working on one that you used to do but quit because of some reason or another. As for the house I know what you mean because I stayed in our place, but me and my son (I get him every other week) did a few repairs around that needed done, repainted a couple rooms, hung up some new pictures to make it more like we like. Just little things to make it more "your home"!!! Since the W took half the furniture we bought a used recliner for my son and rearanged the living room. I regards to working on myself, and improving myself, that is what I am doing. I really want to improve myself, not just for her, or any other person, but more importantly for myself. One of the things that I have learned from this is that I have an anxiety disorder which causes me to avoid crowds. This used to bother her as I did not like going to football games, and always got edgy when stuck in big crowds. I am now learning how to manage it and I hope that she sees this. GOOD START!!! Maybe just going to small events might help, where you just walk around so if you get nervous you can get away for just a few minutes. For example maybe a indoor car show or bike show, something that you can look at something while you are with other people. Something else that really makes yourself feel better is just say "hi" to strangers on the street or at the store. Ask them; hows it going, and if they say; good tell them good to hear..... I didn't use to like Yogurt (maybe because I wouldn't try it) but someone told me to try Harvest Peach and I liked it so I keep trying different ones, but anytime I go pick one up I stand around looking at them until someone comes up and you can ask them; what flavor do you suggest or what flaver do you like? You have a small conversation with a stranger and you feel better talking to someone, I feel. The worst part of this is that I am not sure how to communicate with her during the seperation. should I follow those 30 some-odd rules, or should I try to tell her how I really feel. I am not sure, and nobody has given me a good answer. Any ideas? This is a tough one and I'm not sure I can even answer it. For "me" it was different because we went to our counselor right before the W moved out and the W wanted NC for the first month, but it ended up being 2 months. Then when that was over we could talk, but most of it was just about our son. Then I got tired of it always being just about our son so last month I stopped calling, talking to her unless she contacted me and all of a sudden she started calling me or emailing me. Like people told me here if she called don't call back right away, wait for another day or just let her leave a voice mail so I started doing that. When you do call her back and she wants to know why you didn't call back, just tell her you were busy. You want them to see you aren't just waiting for them and you are getting your life back together even if you aren't. My W even called Friday evening and I let it go to voice mail and she just left a message saying; just thinking of you and wanted to say hi, HI and that was it. You are on the right track, wanting to better yourself & as long as you are truthful about that you will be amazed at what happens. Maybe it's just I didn't know who I was for so long that I'm really excited with what I'm learning about myself. Good luck, you are on the right path, just remember when you stumble over those boulders and they trip you up they only slow you down for a few steps and then you get your ballance and you are back at it again !!
Author bperl Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 It has been 1 month since we seperated (not the official 30 day timeframe). I went out with a friend last night and had a decent time, but I still miss her. It is also hard for me as I still have to deal with some of her stuff in the house. I keep packing it up and moving to one of the bedrooms that are now empty, but it just tears me up inside. I wish she would just talk to me like we used to. I have been reading all the different post, and I admine those who have been working through this battle for multiple months. I am not sure I will be able to do this, especially if we are not communicating. Today I plan to go to the gym, then go to the grocery store so that I can make some chili. Hopefully, that will give me some serenity.
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