Salicious Crumb Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 I totally agree!!! I just think SC is being a bit negative. Oh I use to be naive about things and not see the signs and thought everything was great....I learned better. Being positive and a good husband only got me one thing...I was viewed as a pushover and that was taken advantage of.....not anymore.
sb129 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Oh dear SC. I am not naive either..... but my experiences have taught me that life is too short to waste on quibbles. Lets not forget that Roses BF HASN'T cheated... this is all speculation.
Author rose45 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 do others think this is reasonable..instead of being at a bike week this year he can go to some other area like florida or something where he would be at bars there. I imagine it wouldnt be as pervocative but the nightlife anywhere can be wild. Is this reasonable and ok in a relationship??
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 do others think this is reasonable..instead of being at a bike week this year he can go to some other area like florida or something where he would be at bars there. I imagine it wouldnt be as pervocative but the nightlife anywhere can be wild. Is this reasonable and ok in a relationship?? Rose, Did he agree to this, or is this just on the table? If he didnt, and you are suggesting this to him, how is this fair??!! He finally relents and you push it one step further by asking him to change his entire plan to accomodate your jealous insecurities?! I dont think it is reasonable at all, unless he is entirely okay with you playing god with his life and hobbies. Furthermore, the florida plan sounds like a horrid idea to me, because at least at bike week there is a reason and purpose for him being there, with the main focus being bikes and commraderie, verses florida where basically its a free ride to focus entirely on bars, partying, clubbing and meeting people. Rose, what exactly is he supposed to do in Florida alone? What do you expect?!
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Limerant wrote: "Rose, what exactly is he supposed to do in Florida alone? What do you expect?!" A better question would be: What will Rose be doing while her man is away? One of the things I've noticed in my life is that we project that which we want or are doing onto the actions of those who love us. And it's natural: We live within and know ourselves and have limited knowledge of our friends and lovers. So oftentimes, when we fear that a lover is screwing around or wants to leve the relationship, it's actually our own sentiments at work. It wouldn't surprise me that even as Rose fears that her boyfriend is cheating, that she wants to cheat on him -- or already doing so -- and projecting all that out. Our worst enemy, as always, is our own selves.
Author rose45 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 this was his suggestion. wouldnt a place other than a bike rally be a little more tamer?
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 rose45 write: wouldnt a place other than a bike rally be a little more tamer? Ever been to South Beach? Panama City? Or Key West? If so, you would know all too well that a man can just as easily get into trouble in those places -- or in any part of Florida where there is a bar and hot women -- as he could at a bike rally. That's reality. At the end of the day, you either have to trust him. Or not. Make your choice and make it snappy, for his sake and yours.
Author rose45 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 well then his compromise isnt much of a compromise at all..b/c any place he goes can have a wild night life as you are saying..and thats what he plans on doing at night...so then i dont see how its a compromise.
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 well then his compromise isnt much of a compromise at all..b/c any place he goes can have a wild night life as you are saying..and thats what he plans on doing at night...so then i dont see how its a compromise Rose. Alright. Fine then. If the entire focus has now shifted off of the motorcycle rally and now has moved onto him going to Florida to go clubbing and bar hopping, then I think there is more to it than this. What exactly is the entire objective of him going to Florida? Is it to take a vacation? If that is the case, then I have to wonder why you cant accompany him afterall? If the main purpose for him going away in the first place was the motorcycle rally, and thats now a no-go, and Florida is the shoo-in, then of course it would be natural for you to accompany him there, correct?
Author rose45 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 No because he says where am i gonna put you and we will probably change hotels alot because of the riding..sounds like such an excuse.
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 But rose: Didn't you suggest Florida? That's what I understood it to be. So if you made the suggestion, then you are the one who is making an unworkable compromise.
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 But rose: Didn't you suggest Florida? That's what I understood it to be. So if you made the suggestion, then you are the one who is making an unworkable compromise. Exactly. Why did you make the suggestion if it wasnt something you would be comfortable with in the long run? Besides, at this point, what will work for you? It seems as if you have major control issues at work here.
Author rose45 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 no he suggested it, he said he knows guys flying their bikes down to go to this area and he orginally said no(which i should have asked why) so then he said well if its the biker place u are concerned about--then this should be ok..and i basically said whatever thinking it wouldnt be as bad and he said well then i can tell them ok to that..which i really need to ask why he said no to this and would say yes to the other..he made it seem like he said no b/c of me.
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Rose, with regards to this situation stemming from your boyfriend- How do you feel about the entire situation? What is the strongest emotion you feel with regards to this situation?
Author rose45 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 uneasy. and wondering if this is right to do..b/c no matter what location he is going to..its consisting of bars at night and i have no idea to which extent how wild it gets.
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Okay, are you feeling uneasy because he will be looking at girls? What makes you the most uneasy? That it gets wild? Because you know he has no control over the situation, right? He could walk out the door tomorrow planning on getting a simple cup of coffee at the gas station, and suddenly find himself in the middle of a girls gone wild episode. Okay, that was exaggerating a bit, but you understand my reasoning, dont you? Pretty much any place has a tendency to get a little wild. All it takes is a bunch of people in one setting getting a little bit rowdy.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 uneasy. and wondering if this is right to do..b/c no matter what location he is going to..its consisting of bars at night and i have no idea to which extent how wild it gets. But you already told me that he can cheat anywhere...so whats the problem?
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 But you already told me that he can cheat anywhere...so whats the problem? My question as well. Is it the activity or the fact that he is even leaving at all that has you feeling uneasy? You do know that it is not healthy to be constantly vigilant over imagined scenarios, dont you? He could cheat anywhere, as you say, so then why not keep him under lock and key his whole life? Except for the fact that you dont think he would cheat, so this leads us back to square one all over again. It is your insecurities over imagined situations.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 My question as well. Is it the activity or the fact that he is even leaving at all that has you feeling uneasy? You do know that it is not healthy to be constantly vigilant over imagined scenarios, dont you? . Well...she asked what everyone thought, and I told her what I thought. She then blasted me and said that he can cheat anywhere...which made me wonder why she is even asking the questions in the first place. So that led me to tell her to then get off his back and greet him with open arms when he gets back if she doesn't think he'll cheat. She asked us if we think he will cheat...I told her I think so especially based on his adamant stance that she not go on the trip with him....and she says I'm negative in an effort to try and convince herself that he won't necessarily cheat when down there.......so why ask the question???
Limerent Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Well...she asked what everyone thought, and I told her what I thought. She then blasted me and said that he can cheat anywhere...which made me wonder why she is even asking the questions in the first place. So that led me to tell her to then get off his back and greet him with open arms when he gets back if she doesn't think he'll cheat. She asked us if we think he will cheat...I told her I think so especially based on his adamant stance that she not go on the trip with him....and she says I'm negative in an effort to try and convince herself that he won't necessarily cheat when down there.......so why ask the question??? Basically my feeling in all of this is that if she actually takes the time to process what we are saying, instead of ignorantly focusing in on things that are entirely irrelevent (as in "hot girls with big boobs will be there) then she just might learn something that could help her the next time around. Rose, if you dont deal with these issues now, its going to become bigger than it has to be and eventually end up consuming you. You will get to the point that every single issue has to be a compromise, from what job he gets (the receptionist was wearing a low cut shirt or some other nonsense) to what grocery store he shops at. Sooner or later you will just have to let go, and let whatever happen, happen. Now is the time to be focusing on yourself. If being in a relationship causes this much angst, perhaps its not worth it until you can learn more effective coping mechanisms when dealing with other peoples free will and right to choose. Nobody likes a bully, and it seems like that is what you are doing. Bullying him into a position that best suits your needs, as opposed to what he himself wants to do by way of using emotional blackmail. I assume that you and he are most likely in your mid to late 20's? Early thirties?
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Limerant wrote: If being in a relationship causes this much angst, perhaps its not worth it until you can learn more effective coping mechanisms when dealing with other peoples free will and right to choose. Exactly. The problem lies not with him, but within her. And it won't cease to be a problem until she resolves it.
Lezbean Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 AMEN Lim and Seven. SHE is making HERSELF miserable. And you guys are right. She is not focusing on the advice we keep giving her, she keeps focusing on what MIGHT happen out there and driving herself crazy! I don't think she should be in this relationship either. It's making her nuts and her insecurities are doing her in. Rose, if he LOVES YOU he won't cheat on you. Even if tempted by some hot blonde with big hooters. Give him more credit than that. You must have very low self esteem.
sb129 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Limerent, Sevenmack... good comments. Rose, it seems like your boyfriend is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't because WHATEVER he does isn't the right thing. It sounds like you will only be happyif he cancels all plans to go anywhere without you, gives up his hobbies, and takes you everywhere with him. Chick, this is totally unrealistic, selfish and immature. You need to get some perspective AND chill out. As one of the other posters said, if you get this worked up about IMAGINED scenarios, you really have got a long way to go before you can be one half of a healthy relationship. Especially if your BF hasn't actually done anything to make you suspicious of him. My sympathies for you are diminuishing, because as Limerant (and Lezbean) said, you aren't actually taking any of the advice given to you on board here, you are just getting more and more suspicious and paranoid. Do you really think that your guy is going to stop going to bars? There are hot girls EVERYWHERE..... Sheesh.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 rose, This is your 2nd thread on this issue, and both have many responses. I replied on the Motorcycle Rally thread myself. Your other thread got no answers but implied that your BF might have wanted to go out because he didn't want you to spend the night prior to an event together. This isn't about rallies or vacations, it's about your BF taking vacations and excluding you form them. If you had agreed to pay your airfare you could see what it's like THIS TIME. That implies that he would not be asking you to accompany him next time. When he said what if he wanted to go on a trip elsewhere, like Florida, he implied that taking trips without you is something you need to get used to. It doesn't really matter where he is going or what he is doing, the problem seems to be that he doesn't want to share certain areas of his life with you and that appears to be unacceptable to you. It will be a problem for a long time to come. Some couples routinely take separate vacations. Some couples only take vacations together. Some take vacations both together and separately. The destination could be Vegas, or Italy, or a motorcycle rally, hot women that are scantily clad are EVERYWHERE except for maybe in Muslim countries. I think your problems are far deeper than vacationing. They involve trust, individual autonomy, and respect for each others feelings. You don't have trust for him, he doesn't have autonomy from you, and those issue are going to involve feelings of disrespect on both sides. I haven't read an answer as to the healthiness of other aspects of the relationship, but I did read some questions of that nature. The media does pick up the most tantalizing info on rallies. The media does the same with Rottweilers and Pitbulls. You don't hear positive stuff about those dogs, only negative items appear in the press. In your other thread I gave you my personal experiences involving rallies. They are more of a group of people with like interests meeting to share that interest than anything else. I also shared that my BF wants my company at these events, but if I cannot make time or babysitting arrangements he is welcome to go alone. For every pretty girl in few clothes there are 10 not pretty girls in few clothes and another 30 girls in regular clothes. The only reason to be concerned is if you don't trust your BF's intention to have a bike ride and vacation with the guys. Personally, I enjoy the comaraderie and am not offended by the nudity . We check out vendors, enjoy the events, have some drinks at the local bars, and admire a whole lot of bikes. It's not worth getting so upset over unless this is a deal breaker for you. If so, find a BF that wants to vacation WITH you.
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