Vacation Concern and trust

[rose45]

The most challenging part of the trip is riding down..which wouldnt be a problem for me b/c i would be flying down. Where he went last year..it didnt really seem to be soo much riding..maybe 2 of the days they rode for an hour or 2 and came back..they spent it mostly at the vendors, at the bars, drinking..so i dont see whats so challenging about it..i still think this place is very tempting..and i think in a seriousl relationship or marriage--is it respectful to knowingly put yourself in this place where you know this is what goes on..

[sb129]

Hmm.

If my BF wanted to go on a guys trip, he would ask me in a much nicer way than yours has.

And he doesn't want to do too much without me anyway- I have even been invited on a fishing trip that is usually men from his family only.

But we are still in honeymoon phase...

 

Rose, maybe your BF needs some space- he said that you fight alot. You shouldn't ever try to stop guys from doing their guy stuff. And look at it this way- you get a pass out next time you want a girly week away!

 

I DO think that your BF has been pretty tactless about the way he told you and basically told you to like it or lump it.

 

Have you thought about whether you really are compatible or not?

[Salicious Crumb]

The most challenging part of the trip is riding down..which wouldnt be a problem for me b/c i would be flying down. Where he went last year..it didnt really seem to be soo much riding..maybe 2 of the days they rode for an hour or 2 and came back..they spent it mostly at the vendors, at the bars, drinking..so i dont see whats so challenging about it..i still think this place is very tempting..and i think in a seriousl relationship or marriage--is it respectful to knowingly put yourself in this place where you know this is what goes on..

 

But you already defended a stance that you don't think he will cheat....so I'll ask again...whats the problem?

 

In one post you are saying you don't think he will cheat and he can cheat anywhere...and then in this post you say he will be tempted....

[rose45]

yeah but there is a question of is this the type of place you go to without your s/o knowing this is the type of thing that goes on?

[Salicious Crumb]

yeah but there is a question of is this the type of place you go to without your s/o knowing this is the type of thing that goes on?

 

And already answered that no..this isn't the type of place you should go to and adamantly forbid your SO to go with.

 

then you came back and said, but he can cheat anywhere...basically defending his going....thats why it is confusing...

[Lezbean]

Rose,

 

Your insecurity and constant complaining will run him off before he leaves on vacation. Keep acting like a needy, jealous girlfriend and I'll bet you money he dumps you before he goes.

 

Jesus Christ, give the man a break and let him take a vacation away from you.

 

Why are you with him if you don't trust him?

[rose45]

Lezbean

 

you would be completely fine and ok if your b/f went to a place like this for a week? Its not a night out with the guys..did you look up pics of this place? I know people say oh you are supposed to be ok even if scantily clad women are there..but cant you see my concern or point of view a little? it just doesnt seem right to me..i dont believe he is going there to cheat BUT a week at a place like this...i think a person even with the most integrity has a higher chance of messing up when they are knowingly putting themself in certain situations where temptation is higher..this isnt just oh i see a hot girl on the street--thats an opportunity..its a week long thing of this and a night its a huge party.

[Lezbean]

Yup, I would let him go.

 

I trust him 100%. He always tells me I'm the most gorgeous, sexy thing he has ever known. I would never ever cheat on him and I know he would never ever cheat on me.

 

Jealousy and insecurity are ugly emotions. Honestly, I would be careful about how much you show it to him. It makes men run scared. It's disrespectful to them. Wouldn't you want to be trusted? Men need to feel trusted.

 

Also, have you considered you may be "talking" him into doing it. I mean if you are going to keep accusing him of it, he might feel like he might as well do it.

[sb129]

I am not Lezbean (even tho I love your avatar Lezbean its great),

 

but I am going to answer your question.

 

IF my boyfriend wanted to go (yes, i have looked at the pictures) and IF he had been doing it every year for a long time, then yes, I would let him go.

 

As it happens my BF is going on a stag weekend to an eastern european country later this year... and you know how hot those girls in those countries are. Of course I am not 100% thrilled about him going, but there is no way I would try to stop him going, that would be ridiculous and pointless.

 

I know he loves ME. We are both very secure in our R. We both know where we stand. We know how the other feels about cheating- and we both know that if one of us cheats, our relationship is over. ( this sounds negative- its not, we both value our R too much to thorw it away)

 

So knowing that, he can do whatever he wants with the guys. I love him, trust him and respect him and I know he feels the same about me.

 

Life is far too short to quibble over "what ifs".

If you cant cope with it, your relationship with this guys is probably doomed- cos hes going on that trip no matter what.

[Lezbean]

I am not Lezbean (even tho I love your avatar Lezbean its great),

 

but I am going to answer your question.

 

IF my boyfriend wanted to go (yes, i have looked at the pictures) and IF he had been doing it every year for a long time, then yes, I would let him go.

 

As it happens my BF is going on a stag weekend to an eastern european country later this year... and you know how hot those girls in those countries are. Of course I am not 100% thrilled about him going, but there is no way I would try to stop him going, that would be ridiculous and pointless.

 

I know he loves ME. We are both very secure in our R. We both know where we stand. We know how the other feels about cheating- and we both know that if one of us cheats, our relationship is over. ( this sounds negative- its not, we both value our R too much to thorw it away)

 

So knowing that, he can do whatever he wants with the guys. I love him, trust him and respect him and I know he feels the same about me.

 

Life is far too short to quibble over "what ifs".

If you cant cope with it, your relationship with this guys is probably doomed- cos hes going on that trip no matter what.

 

 

Why Thanky Maam.

 

I have to agree with SB. This relationship is doomed.

 

She is either going to nag him to the point he dumps her. Is going to cheat on her because in essence she has talked him into it. Or make him so incredibly miserable with her insecurities and jealousy when he gets back the relationship will soon end.

[Salicious Crumb]

Rose....lets cut to the chase....

 

Do you think he will be cheating when he goes down there or are you worried that he will cheat when he goes down there?

[ridingthebulls]

Most of the women in those pics have nasty mugs anyways. So if your b/f favors washed up nasty heavily-ridden broads, then you should watch out.

[rose45]

i have not even brought this up at all yet. I have been forming my thoughts..and you may think its ok to go to certain places when in a relationship..but i really dont think its respectful or a reason to get in ur in a relationship or if ur married.

[milvushina]

Rose....lets cut to the chase....

 

Do you think he will be cheating when he goes down there or are you worried that he will cheat when he goes down there?

 

Rose..I have to say it does not sound like either of those options are the right one..

 

It sounds like you want him to conform to what *you* think is appropriate behavior. Not because you think or worry he'll cheat on you. Just on principle. Well, he might have a different idea of what is appropriate when you are involved with someone.

 

I didn't mean that to sound bad on you either. It's just that it's easier to find someone who you agree with on issues like this so you don't butt heads.

 

But if you don't agree, you'll have to compromise. Have you considered that he might not share your opinion because he is more informed of the event than you? Maybe he knows something you don't and you should trust him? I looked at those pictures way back when and it didn't exactly look like an orgy to me. I wouldn't worry so much...

[rose45]

well i spoke to him and he said

 

if i am going on a bike week and you want to see what its like THIS TIME, save the money and fly down. He said but what if he was going away with the bikes where it wasnt bike week. He said he knows some people going to places like miami or florida where they are flying everything down and riding there. He said yes more than likely we would be at bars at night but its not during bike week so i should be able to go without u. What do you guys this of all this..he said thats the best compromise he can give...

[sb129]

I think that he is compromising and being pretty reasonable- so you should decide whether you want to go.

 

If you decide NOT to go, you realise that you will have to drop the subject don't you?

[Salicious Crumb]

I think that he is compromising and being pretty reasonable- ?

 

LOL...no..he said those things because he knows she won't do it.

 

I think she should call his bluff.

[rose45]

S.C

 

where do you get that from--he only said b/c he knows i wont do it? If i really didnt want someone to do something, i wouldnt say so save money and fly down..i just wouldnt take that risk. And if he knows i am soo serious about this issue--why would he think i wouldnt go? I think you are wrong and way off base on this one.

[Salicious Crumb]

S.C

 

where do you get that from--he only said b/c he knows i wont do it? If i really didnt want someone to do something, i wouldnt say so save money and fly down..i just wouldnt take that risk. And if he knows i am soo serious about this issue--why would he think i wouldnt go? I think you are wrong and way off base on this one.

 

You told us in this thread that you told him you didn't want to go....thats where I get that. So I am not way off base...I am using your own words.

 

I mean come on..if you think he might cheat when he goes...then tell him that and that you don't like it...start a big argument over it and get your point across and see what he says.

 

If not, then leave him alone and greet him with open arms when he gets back.

[rose45]

i really dont remember saying i dont want to go.. i think my whole issue was him going without me, particularly every single year. I guess there was a misunderstanding

[sb129]

Rose, don't let SC get to you. He is bitter and doesn't trust anyone.

 

I am really glad that you and your BF are talking about this without fighting.

 

Hope it works out.

[norajane]

Salicious

 

your posts are very bitter, i agree with the guest..and this doesnt point blank only have to do with cheating..its more of a question of is it right to go to such an event without your s/o..and a person can cheat anywhere but i also am not naive..alcohol hinders your judgement although i have been drunk before and had the opportunity to cheat and just didnt want to b/c i thought of my b/f. I dont think it directly means he is telling me this so he can cheat although anything can happen. Also--why would he have to pay for me? he spent $800 on our last vacation. I didnt pay for anything

 

I don't know why YOUR bf would have to pay for you...you are not the issue of discussion. HER bf, on the other hand, based on her own words said she is not worth spending the money on.

 

But really...if its not about cheating...then by your logic, the bf has to take her....just because.

And she already admitted that she does not want to go....so why the hell is it even an issue with her?

 

So the question is....why does she want to bring this up as an issue with her bf if she doesn't really want to go in the first place, AND she doesn't think he'll cheat?

 

Is she just wanting to bust his balls about something for the sake of argument? Or is there a real reason?

 

I believe sungrl and rose are the same person. Sungrl posted a thread May 2006 (Trust Issues) about her bf going to South Carolina for a bike rally...coincidence?

 

If you look at sungrl's threads, they are all about suspicions of her bf cheating, possibly cheating, is he cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating.

 

I think sungrl/rose is obssessed with the possibility of her bf cheating, though she's never actually found him to be doing so.

 

Sungrl/rose, my advice would be for you to get some help from a therapist. I can't imagine how stressful it is for you to constantly be worrying about this issue.

[Sevenmack]

But actually on this one, sb129, SC is making a point, even if it's not the one he's hoping to make. If Rose doesn't trust him and he's extending her an offer to come down, then she should do it. She needs to come clean with her issues and face them head on.

 

But if she's not going to go, then she has to be willing to trust him and greet him when he gets back "with open arms." At that point, she can't start asking about infidelity ad nauseum; the trip is done and she's already showed, by not going down, that she's willing to give him trust.

 

She has to either trust him -- or not. She can't have it both ways and she can't play a passive-aggressive game of letting him have fun, then calling him out for doing it because she fears he's bustin' his nuts on every woman he sees when he's out of town.

 

The dude is being reasonable with Rose; this is an activity that he's done for years. And while we must all adjust our ways when we are in a relationship, we can't simply give up the parts of us that are integral to satisfying our personal wellbeing so long as they aren't such activities as drug abuse that are destructive to themselves and everyone around them.

 

Or to put it simply: Rose has to sh-t or get off the damn pot.

[sb129]

She needs to come clean with her issues and face them head on.

 

But if she's not going to go, then she has to be willing to trust him and greet him when he gets back "with open arms." At that point, she can't start asking about infidelity ad nauseum; the trip is done and she's already showed, by not going down, that she's willing to give him trust.

 

She has to either trust him -- or not. She can't have it both ways and she can't play a passive-aggressive game of letting him have fun, then calling him out for doing it because she fears he's bustin' his nuts on every woman he sees when he's out of town.

 

The dude is being reasonable with Rose; this is an activity that he's done for years. And while we must all adjust our ways when we are in a relationship, we can't simply give up the parts of us that are integral to satisfying our personal wellbeing so long as they aren't such activities as drug abuse that are destructive to themselves and everyone around them.

 

Or to put it simply: Rose has to sh-t or get off the damn pot.

 

I totally agree!!! I just think SC is being a bit negative.

[rose45]

thats something i already know..if i dont go, obviously i cant spend every phone call with what are you doing etc etc, i wouldnt do that anyway. I vent here more than anything.