So I married a Neanderthal...

[Karma24]

Please click on my name to view my posts if you are not familiar with what's going on.

 

I am posting this so that those who have suggested I start a thread based on what I've posted in other threads can reply to me about my situation.

 

I'll post the story later when I get the chance...can't do it right now.

[JamesM]

Please do...I am waiting.

[Karma24]

JamesM,

 

Oh. My. Gosh. I just spent at least 30 minutes typing everything and it won't let me edit and I can't cut and paste either. I think it was because your post was the last in the thread. Well, there went that idea. I will have to do it over.

 

Please let me know whatever it is you have to say in the meantime. The suspense is killing me...

[Karma24]

Both H and I are 29. This is my second marriage and his first. I have a four year old son from H#1 and current H and I have a two month old son.

 

The background: Before current H and I were married he had several female friends. I asked him to stop talking to them because it made me uncomfortable. (In hindsight, I may have been a wee bit possessive considering we were not married and they were friends before we even met). Anyway, current H told me he would stop talking to these female friends but he did not. This damaged the trust I had in him.

 

By September of 2006 we were married. During that month, I discovered a phone number on his cell bill that I didn't recognize. Yes, I snooped and it was wrong. The calls were always while I was at work and they were late at night.

 

I bluffed and told my H that this phone number had called our home and it was on the caller ID. He uhhh'd and ahhh'd and denied and finally admitted it was a girl he met while grocery shopping (!). He had taken off his wedding ring and approached her. He told her his step-son (my son) was his ex-girlfriend's son.

 

She came over to our home and they watched a movie together. He had given her some BS story that it was his friend's house (ha!). I had called her before I called and confronted him and she said nothing had happened, although he had flirted with her while she was at our home. She said she was uncomfortable because she had a boyfriend (ed. note: WTF?). He confirmed that nothing happened between them. I said, well yeah only because she wouldn't let it.

 

Anyway, we are seeing a psychologist now both for IC (him) and MC. He doesn't have good insight as to what motivated him to do this. I say it's either because he was bored or not in love with me. H thinks it's because he has an addictive personality. He was way into the club scene and internet chatting before we met. Our shrink thinks it was because it felt good for him (duh).

 

I don't think that I neglect or neglected current H. We have freaking awesome sex nearly every day. H says our sex life is a 9/10 and it is the best he's ever had. His only complaint is that I don't wear the PVC thigh high boots that he loves so much nearly as often as he'd like. "The Boots" have become a big issue in our relationship. I know that he had all kinds of freaky experiences while he was in the military, but I am his wife and I don't want him re-living those days with me.

 

I cheated on H#1 after he neglected me (read: refused to have sex or even say "I love you") completely for two months prior to my cheating. Things had been unraveling for a long time prior to this BUT I always tried to compensate for him and deny reality. H#1 is very sweet and caring but he is also not ambitious, a bullshi**er, and a slob. I tried for a very long time to feel the way I should have felt for him but ultimately I could not. His total shutting me out was the straw that broke the camel's back. I admitted to myself that I really was not happy and I divorced him.

 

I feel like I deserve current H because of this. We are both horrible people.

[JamesM]

I will comment on your other post, but I do not believe I have the complete story. I would love to know what your upbringing was, what led you to your first marriage, why you left him, why you chose this husband, why you think you are worthless, etc. There is so much to your story.

 

Here are comments aon quotes of yours. Feel free to elaborate, but please don't forget to give more background material.

 

Yep, you're absolutely right. And I am getting EXACTLY what I deserve. Let me tell you why. I have little emotionally to offer my spouse. Therefore, I have chosen a man who requires little emotionally of me.

 

You do not get what you deserve if you do not accept it. I am willing to guess that you have ALOT to offer emotionally to a spouse, but I am also guessing that you don't know how to do that.

 

From what you say, your current husband requires you emotionally but not affectionately. He appears to be more selfish than giving.

 

Whether I was born the way that I am or whether it is a result of an unbringing where my parents are f*cked up, I don't really know. What I do know is that despite my best efforts, I could not change.

 

First off, why we are what we are truthfully doesn't matter. I know, I know....I will shock a few people. What I mean is that we need to take responsibility. Learning about what may have caused us to react as we do MAY help us change, but many times we simply need to learn HOW to change. Dwelling on the past many times makes us feel like "victims" but doesn't move us forward to solutions.

 

Your best efforts may not have been properly directed. Here is the thing...we can keep trying to change ourselves, but if we do all of the wrong things, then positive change won't happen.

 

I REALLY, REALLY tried to give my first husband the woman that he deserved.

 

You two may have been mismatched. His expectations may have been too high.

 

In the end, I realized that despite all my efforts I could NOT change. Not that I didn't WANT to...I COULD NOT. I am a screwed-up mess. He deserved better.

 

Again, read above regarding efforts. I have been married for almost seventeen years, and I can say that if you have to change for someone else, you will fail. Both people need to accept each other. Change must be for ourselves not for someone else. If the two of you could not be yourselves with each other, then the fault does not lie just at your "doorstep." A good relationship means that both partners feel that they can be themselves all of the time, and they can accept the other as he or she is...not as they hope he or she becomes.

 

I grew up with an extremely manipulative, narcissitic father who has a genius IQ

 

Please elaborate on this. Please give examples.

 

I cheated on and divorced the sweetest man ever, who I still (thank God) have a decent, platonic relationship with.

 

Sometimes the sweetest people are not the best for us. This is not your fault. However, as you pointed out, cheating on him is a bad decision on your part. Why did you do it?

 

Now, of course, I am married to the complete opposite of him; an emotionally unavailable alpha male who won't LET me do nice things for him ("I'm not a two year old," he says. No duh. I love you, that's why I do it. Jerk.). But this is what I wanted apparently!

 

My guess is that you felt he may be a better partner to you. He also may be a reflection of how you perceived your father. Your first husband may have been the opposite of how you perceived your father. ( I say perceived because two children can have completely different opinions regarding the same parent based on his or her experiences).

 

A man who had another woman over to our house to "hang out" while I was seven months pregnant and working a 12 hour shift overnight.

 

So, if I read correctly...he cheated on you, and you are still with him? Why?

 

Needless to say, we are in counseling to find out why this happened. I can only only conclude that it's because he is not in love with me. I would never cheat on him. Why did I hurt the good guy?

 

Excellent! Counseling can help. If he cheated on you because he does not love YOU, is this why you cheated on your first H? My point is that your conclusion may not be close to the truth. Why are you so certain that you would not cheat on second H?

 

I am interested in the rest of your story. I am guessing that many others will have excellent feedback for you.

[JamesM]

Thanks for more of your story. One quick comment...

 

I feel like I deserve current H because of this. We are both horrible people.

 

Not. Life is way too short for this attitude already...especially since you have so much life ahead of you.

 

He had taken off his wedding ring and approached her. He told her his step-son (my son) was his ex-girlfriend's son.

 

The problem here is all his. This shows premeditated cheating and lying. And using a child to promote his adultery. If he is doing this so soon in his marriage, I do not see much hope for the two of you.

 

You cheated because your ex husband did not show love to you. BTW, I went for about four years with very little sex...read less than ten times a year. This does not give reason to cheat. This means we learn to discover a solution to our problem. Your current husband cheated because he has an addiction? How about the fact that he cannot honor his vows? Again, even if your marriage had problems, cheating in the manner he did is not acceptable...especially in such a short time.

 

I think maybe IC for you may help. I know you have tried, but this time may be different. Before you did it, so that you could be a wife for your ex. This time you could do it to improve yourself for...well, yourself.

[Karma24]

James,

 

Thank you so much for all the work you're doing to try to help me! I can't figure out how to do the multi-quote so that my answers are clear.

 

If I divorced current H it:

 

1) wouldn't be because I stopped loving him. It would be because I want to preserve my dignity.

 

2) H#1 is in the military on the other side of the world. He can visit only twice a year. If I leave current H, my oldest son will lose this father figure after he already experienced the loss of his father after our divorce.

 

It's horrible...I can't figure out who I loved or who really loved me. I go back and forth in my head all the time. I'm so confused. Seriously, this has occupied my thoughts constantly for 2 1/2 years.

 

Yes, current H and I are much better matched than H#1 and I were. Unfortunately, I don't think current H thinks we are matched the way he would like us to be.

 

My parents lived and still live in an isolated way. My whole life, they were self-employed with no employees and they have never had any friends. My dad is literally a genius but is out of his gourd. He was very intimidating to us all growing up. There were no sons to balance things out or protect myself or my two older sisters. BTW my dad is a very big man and can yell very, very loud.

 

Examples: When my sisters and I would argue, as children, my dad would threaten to sit us down and have to hit each other or he would hit us.

 

He was always on my oldest sister; she got it the worst. One time he was mad and burned a bunch of her clothes. Another time he took a razor blade and shredded her jacket. He made her sleep in our unfinished, dusty dirt floored basement when her grades were bad. He was always on her to lose weight, yet his fat ass has always been 100 pounds overweight. He laughs and "jokes" that "this is my daughter, Butch" because she's never been married.

 

He spanked my sister and left a HUGE bruise on her. He threatened us with "if you think this is abuse, I will show you what abuse is."

 

My stupid mother just sat there and took all of it. She NEVER stood up for us. She still feeds his ego to this day. It makes me sick. Literally. I hardly see them anymore.

 

My dad just loves the "Godfather" movies. Sometimes when he is just so proud of himself about something he tells my mom that he IS the Godfather. So besides being crazy, he is also delusional.

 

My husband comes from a family where everyone is very social and church-going. They all get along like normal people. My husband does not know the details of my childhood, but I think it bothers him that we are not social like his family is.

 

H says he cheated because he likes it when women make him feel attractive. Maybe he is suffering from an inferiority/Napoleon Complex since he is short and has always had to deal with that. Or maybe he's just a d!ckhead. Who knows. I hate that he felt he needed that additional validation.

 

Personally, knowing him I think that he just got bored and turned off by the way my body looked during the last trimester. And yes, it really pisses me off that he couldn't just deal with it without having to go elsewhere.

 

Oh, and I haven't divorced him because who would want a woman who's been married twice and has two kids by two men? I'm educated and attractive and all that, but look at my track record. There is nothing out there for me anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Oh, and I haven't divorced him because who would want a woman who's been married twice and has two kids by two men? I'm educated and attractive and all that, but look at my track record. There is nothing out there for me anymore.

 

As hard as it may be for you, maybe you need to be on your own for a while and not have a man in your life.

 

I have more thoughts on your post(s) but I'm not feeling well tonight so I'll reply more tomorrow.

 

My dad just loves the "Godfather" movies. Sometimes when he is just so proud of himself about something he tells my mom that he IS the Godfather. So besides being crazy, he is also delusional.

 

I know it's not funny, really, but how that reads IS funny. Parents can be really f'ing weird and the older they get, their quirks come out even more.

[Romeo Must Die]

Do you think that when he is done in the military he might slow down and calm down a little? Is that possible?

 

[Karma24]

My current husband is not in the military anymore. He did his five years and is done with it.

 

It is my ex-H that is currently in the military.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hey, Karma.

 

How are you at being alone? You know … 'who are you' outside of how you define yourself within a committed relationship??

 

Have you ever tried it?

[MoonGirl]

Karma24,

 

Being without a man is better than being with one who doesn't respect you (I should listen to my own advice). Plus, there are many many other women who are divorced with kids. If you're worried about being eternally alone, the chances are slim. As your children get older, there will be many other divorcees who will definitely give you a chance. You're too hard on yourself.

 

It sounds like your childhood has had a very negative affect on your self-esteem. Individual therapy can help you overcome your feelings of worthlessness. You certainly deserve to be happy!

[Karma24]

Hey, Karma.

 

How are you at being alone? You know … 'who are you' outside of how you define yourself within a committed relationship??

 

Have you ever tried it?

 

No, as a matter of fact I haven't. I've gone from one relationship to another since I was 17.

 

I've thought about the 'why' alot and I think it's because I was so used to my dad thinking for me. He did the thinking for all of us. I never knew what to think or how to feel because I was always told how I SHOULD feel. There was never any discussion or debate in our house. Ever. The idea of me being on my own has always been overwhelming because of this.

[Karma24]

Karma24,

 

Being without a man is better than being with one who doesn't respect you (I should listen to my own advice). Plus, there are many many other women who are divorced with kids. If you're worried about being eternally alone, the chances are slim. As your children get older, there will be many other divorcees who will definitely give you a chance. You're too hard on yourself.

 

It sounds like your childhood has had a very negative affect on your self-esteem. Individual therapy can help you overcome your feelings of worthlessness. You certainly deserve to be happy!

 

Thanks, I appreciate that. It's just that I never thought I would make the decisions that I have made that lead me to where I am today. When I was 20 I felt like I had the world by the balls. Now, just nine years later I feel hopeless and lost.

[MoonGirl]

Hi Karma,

 

There are many people in your position, including me. Just 6 years ago I thought I had my life under control too, and now I am in a complete mess.

 

One of my friends said something to me the other day that really helped me. I told him that I felt like such a failure and that everyone around me will think I am a failure. Then he said, "but you've done so many things RIGHT." I'm sure there are things you've done right. You're probably a great mom, a nice person, and a wonderful friend.

 

You'll get through this time in your life and you will be okay. Don't be scared of being alone. You have yourself and your kids. You are still young and have a full life ahead of you! I suggest making friends with some newly divorced females. I have met some ladies in my support group and they have been so wonderful to talk to.