If your spouse was very ill and it affected your….

[ThumbingMyWay]

sex life, emotional needs and had a financial burden on you

 

would you divorce them?

 

 

I am asking because a married friend my wifes is in this situ. She is 42 and he is in his 50's. They have 2 kids both still in school.

 

The husband is ill with heart problems. he is disabled and cannot work. He cannot have sex and he is on a lot of meds and may be in depression.

 

Well, the wife had been unhappy for a few years. She works 2 jobs, does all the kid stuff, etc. The husband does help around the house when he feels well, but most of the time he sleeps.

 

 

I know for a fact that the wife has an emotional connection to someone she works with, ironically enough, its with the same OM my wife was with. (that is a whole other story though). We also know that the wife has “feelings” for the recently divorced neighbor. Whom she has been seeing for a few months. By seeing, I mean, movies, lunch, etc.

 

Anyway, the husband confronted the wife about some cell phone bills, etc. The husband knows of the work OM and the situation with my wife. He really dislikes the work OM, as do I, and the wife knows this. But the wife continuos her emo friendship with this work OM. Even after all he has done to our marriage, she still associates with that scum. Apparently the wife also admitted to having feelings for the neighbor guy to the husband.

 

 

SO….now, we come to find out that she is leaving her sick husband. A man who cannot help that he is ill, and she is leaving him because she is unhappy.

 

Now I understand the unhappiness and need for a sexual and emotional life.

 

BUT….you take a vow of for better or worse……but when the worse comes, you just leave?

 

so….if YOU were in this situ, could you divorce a sick spouse so you could get your needs met?

 

I couldn’t. my wife has asked me if I would leave her if she became very ill.. Again, I have strong convictions towards my marriage commitment and I told her.

 

Honey, I would stay with you till death do us part. If that means by age 40, you cannot have sex with me, or take me out on dates, so be it, that’s the commitment I made.

 

IMPO…..I think people are selfish…bottom line. People put themselves above there marriage commitment.

 

SAD……sometimes I feel like I am a minority in my convictions…….and its hard to live when you are surrounded by selfishness…..

[whichwayisup]

It would suck and be awful to go through and have to deal with on a daily basis, but people have choices. I KNOW I wouldn't leave my H. I would get therapy, and work through it, ask for help from family and friends too. I couldn't leave him. People go through this stuff and somehow manage to stay together, make it work. SUre there will be rough days and depression, how could there not be?

 

I feel so sad for your friend. His wife is a fool and making some real bad choices, that one day she may end up with alot of regret. I can't believe she's interested in the same OM either. Double that she's a fool!!

 

But Geez, the guy isn't DEAD, he has health issues and just because he can't have sex anymore, doesn't mean he can't experience intimacy, cuddling etc... Their relationship can be just as good, if she's willing to give it a chance.

[blind_otter]

Well that's just low, man. Really low. On the woman's part, I mean. If her H can't help being ill, that is.

[My Fair Katie]

would you divorce them?

 

Absolutely not. And I hope he wouldn't leave me if the situation were reversed.

 

If my husband were disabled and ill it would naturally fall on me to care for him, I love him, I would never want him to suffer alone. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I weren't there for him in his time of need. Marriage is give and take, but it's not always 50/50, there are times you have to give without taking.

[whichwayisup]

Marriage is give and take, but it's not always 50/50, there are times you have to give without taking.

 

This is true, even when not dealing with a horrible situation. There are times ya just gotta suck it up and ride the wave until things get better.

 

Thumbs, do they have children?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thumbs, do they have children?

 

yes and teenager who has health problems and a grade schooler with IMP very deep emotional issues due to the fathers illness.

 

 

just a sad situ all around.

 

 

But she is going ahead and leaving. She even says she will still be there for her H and take care of him. WTF?

 

I know for a fact, since my wife talks to her H, that he will have nothing to do with her after this.

 

B_O is right....just down right low.....

 

 

the EMOTIONAL FOG is clouding her judgement....

 

 

sucks for wife and I.....seems like all our friends are splitting up....while we try to endure our trials......

 

I LOATHE SELFISH PEOPLE......

[PussInHeels]

I would never ever leave my H for becoming ill, and he'd better feel the same about me. However, people do get divorced for less, and some people's breaking points are far lower than others. I guess that's why it's important to think carefully about what marriage means before you do it....

[whichwayisup]

yes and teenager who has health problems and a grade schooler with IMP very deep emotional issues due to the fathers illness.

 

Well, this isn't going to help the kids by her leaving....Stupid fool......

 

But she is going ahead and leaving. She even says she will still be there for her H and take care of him. WTF?

 

I know for a fact, since my wife talks to her H, that he will have nothing to do with her after this.

 

Yup and this reminds me of CO123's thread...People have choices, and right now his wife is making a REAL BAD CHOICE, a VERY SELFISH ONE that she will regret sooooo badly one day...But, by then it will be too late.

 

He needs his family, and close friends to help him through this.

[bklk1227]

Selfish seems to be the common theme in the failing marriages I've seen in my short time in this community. It would stand to reason that the "for better/for worse" concept gets passed over time and time again for quick fixes of emotional fulfillment. People become blind to the comittment they've made.

 

This is truly a sad and frightening example of human nature. Here a woman is presented with a chance to show her husband and family that her commitment and love is true - and she chooses the selfish (and easier) road of leaving them behind.

 

What a disappointment...

[Speedo]

I'm in agreement with everyone on here so far. But unfortunetly I think that we are severely outnumbered nowadays. People divorce over much simpler reasons than that. What is it up to now? 55% divorce rate? My grandfather up and left my grandmother one day out of the blue, leaving her to raise my dad, uncle and aunt by herself, but they never got an official divorce. Even though it would've been completely within her rights to get with someone else, she never did because she was still officially married. Sounds crazy, but you don't see much of that anymore. Marriage to me is much more than personal happiness. If that's the case, I would never get married. You will always be unhappy at times. It's about a lifetime commitement to one person no matter what happens. The commitement is more important than your personal happiness.

[quankanne]

I love him, I would never want him to suffer alone. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I weren't there for him in his time of need. Marriage is give and take, but it's not always 50/50, there are times you have to give without taking.

 

very eloquently said. When you get married, it becomes less about self and more about the couple, even when you're in a situation that you don't agree with or aren't happy with. Because as much as it can drive me nuts that my husband has lost his sex drive and has physical problems that would limit activity anyway, he is where I want to be, period. Yes I miss the sex, I miss the intimacy sex creates, but it's not the be-all end all of our relationship. Even during those mad, horny moments of the month! :laugh:

 

bottom line is, I realize that even with the problems that we've encountered, I could never replicate or come near to what I have with him, and I'm not willing to walk away from it just because he can't do me.

 

but, that's me – someone else might have the cajones to jump the fence to see if the grass really is greener on the other side.

[Curmudgeon]

My wife happens to be bipolar. What appears below is something I wrote quite some time ago on a mental health support site. It's as true now as it was then.

 

Here it is:

 

I wonder how many people take that marriage vow, pro forma, and don’t really have any conception of what it entails. To me it’s a sacred oath to do my best to be loving and supportive, especially when times are the hardest for my spouse. From a purely selfish perspective, my wife’s episodes are extremely hard on me and there are time when I know it would be much easier on me and my quality of life to simply throw in the towel, cut my losses and take out on my own with no responsibility for anyone but myself.

 

The reality is, my wife had warned me about her periodic depressions before we married and in the euphoria of a “new” and budding relationship I discounted them as not being anything I couldn’t handle. Then, when the first one hit about six months after our marriage I ended up handling it very badly, taking personally all too many aspects of it. It didn’t help that my wife, in her depression and because of some abandonment issues from the past had escape plans that unrealistically involved another, also from her past, but at the time, I had no way of knowing that she was simply grasping at straws rather than a real option. She needed to feel that she had someone to turn to if we didn’t survive as a couple, even though she really didn’t. She also needed to think she had somewhere to go.

 

My lack of understanding extended to the next two episodes and in each case I let anger and insecurity override my ability to really be there for her. It wasn’t until about the fourth episode that I discerned a pattern that would lead to an eventual and actual diagnosis of bipolar type II. In a sense it was a strange relief to finally have it named. Everything became far more clear and I was left with two well-defined choices. I could leave and escape the complications of living with someone with a mental illness or I could stay and be supportive of someone I loved who had no control over whether or not her illness existed.

 

I chose the latter, knowing full well that I was committing myself to a life of periodic ups and downs. But I had made the commitment the day we married, even though that vow wasn’t articulated at the time. Still, it was there in my heart and that’s what counted. We’ve since retaken vows and had our marriage blessed during weekend couples’ retreats. That vow has been a part of those ceremonies and I consider it binding; as binding as what was in my heart the evening we married.

 

As is characteristic with the illness, there have been numerous episodes since, as well as the merry-go-round of med changes and adjustments which can wreak havoc with my wife's moods and emotions, as well as how she feels physically. There's also been a very recent hospitalization. Whenever my wife is taken over by a depressive or a hypo-manic state my initial reaction is usually upset, sometimes even anger, even though I empirically know that it’s not something over which she has any control. Those inappropriate reactions are, thankfully, short-lived and within minutes or hours I am usually right there for her being as loving and supportive as I can be. THAT is what the situation cries out for, not taking it personally or bemoaning my fate as someone living with someone else who has an illness.

 

In the final analysis, the good times outweigh the bad many times over and the episodes are periodic and usually short-term. It’s simply a part of who and what my wife is but the main issues is that she IS my wife and I owe her every bit of love and support I can muster. I took a vow. I intend to honor it for as long as we are alive and together.

[2sunny]

Big hugs to you C= Lion... this is why you are loved by so many here!

 

The word HONOR jumped out at me - something most folks don't appreciate as much as I would like... such a simple word - but SO much meaning.

 

Thank you for reminding me how difficult each day can be - and how we can overcome all of our adversities...

 

XO

 

M-

[justagirliegirl]

disposable society.

 

People have no concept of what for better of worse means.

 

What a terrible message she is sending those kids. Someone gets sick just dump them off at the pound like a stray animal.

 

Sad.

 

To the OP if this person is a good friend maybe you should say something to her.

 

Maybe she'll get what she deserves in the end.

[Curmudgeon]

Gratefully accepted, Sunny! Remember, no one ever promised us a rose garden!

[Mz. Pixie]

Beautiful post C Lion!

 

No, I would not leave him.

[Asafan]

My wife is ill, it does affect our sex life, financial situation, and I do more than my fair share. That said, the woman you speak of is a weak, selfish piece of ****.

 

I love my wife madly and would never leave her because she is ill. Better or Worse. Period.

[Ms.Smith]

That is a very complicated question that has been around for a very long time. If you ever get the chance, read Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. Its very upsetting (to me), but addresses this question.

I would like to be able to say that I am an honest, honorable person and would never do this sort of thing, but I might be lying. I've never been in this situation and I can't imagine what I would do. The whole OM situation wouldn't happen. That's not what I'm talking about. I just mean I'm not sure if I could stay and take care of him and work two jobs and take care of the kids.

I really don't expect my husband to stay with me if I become ill like that. I don't even expect him to take care of me if that happens.

I'm not sure exactly what I meant when I took my wedding vows...

 

"The commitment is more important than your personal happiness."

Is this what I meant?

And this:

"When you get married, it becomes less about self and more about the couple, even when you're in a situation that you don't agree with or aren't happy with."

??? The thought of spending the next 26 to 31 years in constant misery, day in and day out, scares me.

 

"Yes I miss the sex, I miss the intimacy sex creates, but it's not the be-all end all of our relationship."

"I could never replicate or come near to what I have with him"

"In the final analysis, the good times outweigh the bad many times over"

What if you don't have these things?

What if sex and yourself are all you have in your marriage? If you have to stop being yourself so you can spend all your time taking care of the other spouse, and there is no sex anymore, then are you doomed to a life of servitude? Is that what we all promised?

 

Or, what if you have this:

"...MY WIFE is prompted by her familiar to burn people in their beds at night, to stab them, to bite their flesh from their bones, and so on..."

-Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre, pp360

 

Is that what we all meant when we took the vows?

Or did we all mean different things that only we know?

 

I don't like the thought of it. I'm not Christian, so I don't believe that life is meant for suffering or serving the purpose of a higher power. I think I believe that life is about gathering experiences. But a life full of bad experiences? I don't know. Maybe I'm confused.

[Curmudgeon]

You don't have to have religion to have values. For some people those run deep. For others they are shallow or mostly absent.

 

I guess it would really depend upon what your definition of "bad experiences" is. To me, taking care of and being supportive of a spouse who has a disorder she didn't ask for or bring upon herself and who disclosed it to me before we were married is a sacred trust. It's also an expression of my love for and commitment to her.

 

I was previously married to a woman whom I'm now convinced has a personality or character disorder. She's the one who left and in comparison, living with my wife is pure joy after the almost pure hell that was the former marriage.