Author Walk Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 So, Walk, have the past few days been better? Any more strange reactions, or is it more like it never happened? As a woman, I keep expecting him to explain himself, but I think like a woman. I would want to explain my apparent craziness. But men often don't feel they've done anything wrong so no explanation would be necessary or forthcoming. He said he's been feeling ill. Tonight he got upset that I was going to help him take the trash out. He had his arms full and didn't have another hand free, so I grabbed the trash bag and put my shoes on to help take trash out. He got irritated by it, so I just handed the bag over and let him deal with it. Then he came back inside saying "what were you thinking?". it seemed apparent to me. I told him I was going to walk the garbage bag out while he carried the other items. He says absolutely nothing for like 10 minutes then says "For the record... Ask me first if I need help. It annoys me having you scurry around like a mouse trying to do things that I started doing." blah blah blah.. I kept expecting an apology for jumping my shyt over the garbage. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe he didn't feel he was jumping my ass. Maybe he was just stating a feeling, and I took it strongly. But, I'm really mad right now.. and I'm not sure if you can read past the obvious slant I've got going... But before I absolutely blow a nut on his ass and start screaming some nasty stuff I'm going to regret saying... I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions on how I could tactfully approach the obvious problems he's having. I'd like to approach it in a diplomatic, enouraging way if possible. Can you help me with suggestions/alternatives? I'd be grateful. I'm having a hard time thinking of even 1 way. I dont' even want to sleep in the same bed with him right now. God I'm pissed.
Touche Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 f any of you had any suggestions on how I could tactfully approach the obvious problems he's having. I may be of no help but in my opinion, there is no "tactful" way to tell someone they're seriously out of line and NUTS! I mean, if it were me that's just what I would tell him right after I tell him that I'm "outta here!" But that's just me. Touche' - Goddess here..not doormat. (Sorry, TP!)
SummerRae Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 What world do you live in ?? A workout is just exercise.. it isn't like he was training for the olympics.. I think her BF knew what she wanted and he didn't want it.. so he acted like an ass to make her the bad guy.. This IS the most fa(king hilarious post!! "it isn't like he was training for the olympics" hahahah
SummerRae Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 On a serious note: (now that I'm all up to speed on what this thread is about; initially, I thought it was a poll to see what we would do to our BF's if they were naked and working out, or if it was us that were naked, or, or, so many possible combos...) Anyways, by the sounds of things, you and your BF have some serious issues that need to be sorted out. How well do you two communicate at the best of times? Does he have a clue of how you're feeling? And does he care? By the sounds of what you have said, he doesn't seem to really notice how you are feeling and the listening/communication seems to be Null and Void. In my humble opinion: NO communication = NO good relationship. You have to get him to open up. And vice versa. Good luck!
Cous Cous With Goose Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 lmfao that f'n cracked me up, seriously like when I saw the thread title I did an lol:D Outta these choices.. A.) Think that was cool. Finish your work out, take a shower and maybe have sex with your gf. B.) Think it was weird, finish your work-out and pretend it didn't happen. C.) Get upset about it. Yell at gf for it. Then take off for a drive to "clear your head". A.)Yea right. MAYBE? B.)Yea that IS weird. I'd like to pretend it didn't even happen. Not much for those nude bodies.. C.)Sounds like the most reasonable option. She needs to learn she can't just go prancing around the house with no clothes. I choose choice C =| lmfao jk:lmao: I'd go with choice.. D.) She been a bad girl..bad girls need a wittle spanking. Then me n my mamacita will steam up the house windows:love:
Unbeleivable Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I dont know, I would think it were hot as hell if a girl I was with walked around naked at all. After almost 8 years together, my ex girlfriend would still yell at me to turn around if she needed to change her shirt or something. She was an attractive, in shape 21 year old, not like she was a hippo or something. /shrug
Author Walk Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 How well do you two communicate at the best of times? Does he have a clue of how you're feeling? And does he care? He does have a clue. We actually talk pretty well at other times. I'd say he's mostly really understanding and pretty intuitive about how I'm feeling even if I don't express myself very well at times. That's partly why crap like this (me naked, him getting upset) really irks me. Everything's going great, then wham! It's like you got plugged into someone elses convo mid sentence and you have no clue what's going on. By the sounds of what you have said, he doesn't seem to really notice how you are feeling and the listening/communication seems to be Null and Void. Communication from my side, or his side?
IpAncA Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 This is way beyond the whole "naked thing." Why do you have to "ASK" for everything. First you had to ask with the whole naked thing and now ask to help. What else does he request you to ask for? You seem to be annoying him, to many wrong timings, invading, having to ask, etc... <----- Anything wrong with that? Um...yes there is. He says absolutely nothing for like 10 minutes then says "For the record... Ask me first if I need help. It annoys me having you scurry around like a mouse trying to do things that I started doing." blah blah blah.. He finished his workout, and starts "talking" about how he doesn't understand why I would do that, and I should've asked him first, and what was I thinking.... If he does have a clue as to how you feel and still treats you like this then he doesn't care. This is a lack of proper communication IMO. I'm not going to tell you how to talk to him. I don't put up with that sort of behavior and if that was my H I would come right out and tell him that if he keeps this up with me feeling like I'm a burden, i'll be glad to let him do it to someone else.
norajane Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 He said he's been feeling ill. Tonight he got upset that I was going to help him take the trash out. He had his arms full and didn't have another hand free, so I grabbed the trash bag and put my shoes on to help take trash out. He got irritated by it, so I just handed the bag over and let him deal with it. Then he came back inside saying "what were you thinking?". it seemed apparent to me. I told him I was going to walk the garbage bag out while he carried the other items. He says absolutely nothing for like 10 minutes then says "For the record... Ask me first if I need help. It annoys me having you scurry around like a mouse trying to do things that I started doing." blah blah blah.. I kept expecting an apology for jumping my shyt over the garbage. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe he didn't feel he was jumping my ass. Maybe he was just stating a feeling, and I took it strongly. But, I'm really mad right now.. and I'm not sure if you can read past the obvious slant I've got going... But before I absolutely blow a nut on his ass and start screaming some nasty stuff I'm going to regret saying... I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions on how I could tactfully approach the obvious problems he's having. I'd like to approach it in a diplomatic, enouraging way if possible. Can you help me with suggestions/alternatives? I'd be grateful. I'm having a hard time thinking of even 1 way. I dont' even want to sleep in the same bed with him right now. God I'm pissed. My guess is by stepping in to help him with the garbage, he believed you were thinking he was incompetent, or were (silently) criticizing him. If you two communicate well other times, my guess he's super-sensitive that he's unemployed and has to rely on you, even if it's just for a short time. Men's identies are wrapped up in their jobs and their ability to provide. I think unemployment is doing a number on his ego and self-esteem.
Touche Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 My guess is by stepping in to help him with the garbage, he believed you were thinking he was incompetent, or were (silently) criticizing him. If you two communicate well other times, my guess he's super-sensitive that he's unemployed and has to rely on you, even if it's just for a short time. Men's identies are wrapped up in their jobs and their ability to provide. I think unemployment is doing a number on his ego and self-esteem. I'd agree with you NJ except for one thing...Walk's b/f has been a pain in the ass even before he was unemployed. Actually he sounded even worse while employed (sorry, Walk! Just my opinion.) And Ipanca...go sista! Couldn't agree more. To me, this isn't even about a lack of communication. The guy just doesn't know how to be considerate and seems to take Walk for granted. He's clearly the wrong guy for you, Walk.
Author Walk Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 He can be a major A-hole at times. I'm not you, Ipanc and Touche. I've had guys who never yelled and were always civil and polite, and yet those guys still found ways to disregard everything I could possible voice a complaint against, and show beyond a doubt that the only person he cared about was himself. Now I'm dating a guy who will ignite easily over little things, but who ultimately, no matter what's going on, prove beyond a doubt that he wants what's best for me. The man can be pissed to high heaven about something and he's still worried about whether I'm eating, or if I have money if I need something, or help with my car, or family or life in anyway. If he knows I have a problem then no matter how much of an a-hole he's being toward me, he drops everything and helps me. So I should find someone else who is more respectful and discusses problems better right off the bat. That's great advice. I'd give the same in your shoes. But I've dated 9 guys (not a lot) and the communication ranged from men who wouldn't say a thing until it grew so big they left. To men who would talk endlessly about change and comprimise yet never followed through. And personally... I'd rather have a person who will blow up, get pissed, and then talk about what's going on and actually fight for change, then the pathetic ones who hide behind "talk" and show through action that they have no regard for how I feel. I'm not mad he got angry at me. I'm upset because I felt insecure and worthless while he paid all the bills and he insisted I shouldn't allow it to affect me. So I tried not to let it. Now he's in the same position I was, and he's letting it affect him. I'm upset because I'm tired of people telling me that I should feel differently, but it's okay for them to feel a certain way. Even you Ipanac. You've acted in ways that if you had been my SO would've had me ranting like crazy on LS about how you didn't care about the relationship, but only the job. And the resounding response would've been to leave, that you're selfish and an ass, that no one should put up with that type of disrespect and uncaring behavior. I would think you'd identify more with my bf, then with me on this problem. And maybe it's because you have a better understanding now of how your husband felt. But I would've thought you'd know a better way to approach the situation then threaten to leave. Your husband did that to you, and the fear it created bothered you for a few months. Is that what I should do to my bf? I should threaten to leave? He's feeling insecure about his lack of a job, has problems sexually even on good days, feels overwhelmed and incapable of being a support to his friends and family.. and I should threaten to leave because he blew a nut and went for a drive? I was thinking there might be a better way to handle the situation.... One that doestn' cause more harm. He's a good man. I do have a good head on my shoulders, and I'm pretty damn smart overall. Give me a little credit that I might choose to stay for real reasons, and not just a pathetic "i can't live without him". I can get a new guy. I can be extremely happy on my own. I'm not with him out of need. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I have good reason to attempt to work this out, and that I'll leave when it's time for me to go.
IpAncA Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Even you Ipanac. You've acted in ways that if you had been my SO would've had me ranting like crazy on LS about how you didn't care about the relationship, but only the job. And the resounding response would've been to leave, that you're selfish and an ass, that no one should put up with that type of disrespect and uncaring behavior. Okay....what does this have to do with your problem? I would think you'd identify more with my bf, then with me on this problem. And maybe it's because you have a better understanding now of how your husband felt. But I would've thought you'd know a better way to approach the situation then threaten to leave. Your husband did that to you, and the fear it created bothered you for a few months. Is that what I should do to my bf? I should threaten to leave? He's feeling insecure about his lack of a job, has problems sexually even on good days, feels overwhelmed and incapable of being a support to his friends and family.. and I should threaten to leave because he blew a nut and went for a drive? I was thinking there might be a better way to handle the situation.... One that doestn' cause more harm. Regardless of what he's going through, he shouldn't be taking that out on you. If he's ALWAYS like this then yes I would do what I said. Espeically if he's not listening. --- I can see that no matter what I say to you or anyone probably for that matter it will be disregarded. Why? Because I had problems so therefore I have nothing to say? That I above everyone else have no business giving advice or asking questions? It's been made pretty clear to me number of times (from others) that I have no business giving advice. So fine I'll stop.
dgiirl Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Walk, it's very easy for us to give objective advice. We're not emotionally invested in the situation so it's very easy for us to say what we'd do or not do. But when we're actually faced with the situation, often we do the total opposite of what we'd think we'd do. I dont think anyone thinks your naive or in this relationship out of desperation. But we do see some things you've mentioned that tell us he's not treating you right. I agree with a lot of things you said in your last post. I'd rather be with someone who got angry, who was willing to say things and then work through them, then just someone not saying anything about what's pissing them off. To me, if I'm doing something to upset you, then TELL me. Atleast then I have a chance to fix it, otherwise, I'll keep doing things to piss you off and you getting angry at me is not fair unless you tell me what i'm doing wrong. However, there is a line that needs to be set. If someone is constantly getting angry at every single thing I'm doing, trying to tell me to change everything I do, then I have to question if this relationship is right for either of us. Him getting annoyed at every single thing you are doing is NOT a good sign. From my experience, and I imagine this is pretty typical, when I'm in a relationship and I'm losing interest, every little thing that person does starts to irriate me and I become frustrated. It's only a matter of time where I'll leave the relationship. Although your bf is going through some rough times, I think it's important to realize that it might not just be that. It sounds like he's taking you for granted, either because you are allowing him to by being patient, or for other reasons. The best course of action is not always being patient, nor is it always threatening to leave the relationship at the first sign of trouble. It's a ying and yang. Him getting angry at you for helping him with the garbage is out of line. Him getting angry at you for walking around naked is out of line. His anger and reactions are not in proportion to the situation, and this is what needs to be addressed.
Art_Critic Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 He can be a major A-hole at times. At times.. how about at most times.. relationships are not supposed to be this hard and this unsatisfying.. It seems you both are very unsatisfied with things and quite possibly are just lacking the strength and ability to either deal with/fix the issues or end the pain.
magichands Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 At times.. how about at most times.. relationships are not supposed to be this hard and this unsatisfying.. I agree. Sort of. About an hour or so a day (night?) of hardness is probably a good thing. (And please, not during "real" workouts.) Just my opinion, though.
Touche Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 No, you're obviously not me Walk. (You say you're not me.) I wouldn't put up with that kind of nonsense. I mean you say he's better than what you've had in the past. So is he the lesser of two evils? Is that what you're saying? I thought DGI's post was very good. He really does take you for granted. And if I were you I"d stop being so understanding and nice to him. He just craps on you even more. The bottom line here though is that this type of thing almost never gets better unless he gets a big wake-up call. It will just get worse and your complaints will escalate. You're going to constantly feel like you're walking on eggshells around him for fear that you might piss him off. Who the hell wants to live that way? I don't care HOW good he is to you in other ways...I mean no one is ALL bad after all. Is the good in him enough to make-up for his flaws? That's really up to you to decide. You know there are always ups and downs in life...job losses, health issues, financial matters, etc. etc. Is he going to act like an ass every time life throws him an obstacle? Or his he going to act like he's part of a team with you and face things together? It seems to me like you can't let him go but you don't fully accept him as he is either. He's most likely not going to change and if I had to guess, I'd say he will just get worse. Only you can decide if he's worth all this.
magichands Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Only you can decide if he's worth all this. Really? I was looking forward to the poll, too. Oh well.
Author Walk Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 Okay....what does this have to do with your problem? That you understand that a person isn't all one or the other. That although your actions may have been "selfish" in one regard, your intent and mindset were NOT selfish. That you could have been judged unfairly and harshly by people based solely on your actions, and most would've commented that they wouldn't have tolerated it at that period of time. But you needed more then a swift kick out the door. It took a fair bit of understanding from your husband, and from yourself to work through it. And you grew and learned from it. What I was trying to say, is that I was hoping you could apply that knowledge to my situation. Not just a blanket statement of kicking him to the curb. But what would've helped you in that situation? A way that wouldn't make you feel insecure in the relationship, yet still opened your eyes if they weren't? Regardless of what he's going through, he shouldn't be taking that out on you. If he's ALWAYS like this then yes I would do what I said. Espeically if he's not listening. True for the first part. For the second part... he's not always like this. More like... a few months will go by and things are great. Then for about 3-5 days he'll get a hair up his butt. Then everything goes back to normal and it's great again. Could be 5 months in between, could be 2 months. Depends. Like.. he's been sweet as pie since Friday night. Cooking every meal, doing the dishes, helping me with homework, and he's going to go search the bookstore today for some books on programming so I won't have to... I can see that no matter what I say to you or anyone probably for that matter it will be disregarded. Why? Because I had problems so therefore I have nothing to say? That I above everyone else have no business giving advice or asking questions? It's been made pretty clear to me number of times (from others) that I have no business giving advice. So fine I'll stop. You do have good advice. And I am listening. I disagree on attacking this with full frontal force. He's too bull headed to have that work. If I want to end the relationship, than that will work really well. But I had hoped to find a different route. I rather enjoy reading your comments. Your's and Touche's. We don't always agree, but I like that in a person. I like someone who isn't afraid to say what they think, and give their take on the situation. I might not agree, but it definitely gives me food for thought, and quite frankly... sometimes I look back at stuff I've said or done and realized it came from people I didn't initially agree with, but in the end used and found it worked. If you want to quit, than that's fine. But don't do it just because a couple people didn't agree with you. We aren't any better than you are. And anyone who thinks they are is a moron.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 alright now that im up to speed on the thread here i'll throw my advice in. in reading everyone's responses it sounds like they want u to just go in for the kill. u know this guy best, and if ur gut tells u thats not going to work than dont do it. i am not confrontational myself, so i would not approach it from that angle in my own relationship. i agree that u shouldnt take what he's doing sitting down. i def. don't think this is somethng to break up over, or something to totally yell at him and get on his case about. sounds like he may be going through a rough time with u supporting him and not having a job. he's probably bored. i'm trying to put myself in ur situation and think about my what i would do. i have a tendency to flip out (hense the crap with my bf and the cpa exam), so maybe u could try to talk to him as CALMLY as u can. maybe ask him if anything is bothering him and try to talk to him from an understanding gf angle. if u guys do communicate well most of the time, then maybe he'll open up to u. sounds like u guys love each other, so u should try to do what u can to make it work. i'm a firm believer in making things work and not giving up (as long as the relationship isnt horrid and going downhill fast). doesnt sound like thats the case here. everyone else is right though u need to do something. don't attack him, just maybe inquire if he's ok. maybe he wont want to talk about it, maybe he will. tell him u are supportive and understanding and are willing to listen to him. guys seem to respond well to that crap. lol anyway i hope i helped u, u dont have to listen to me but judging by what u've said and what everyone else has said, i tend to see it from a different appraoch. i have a degree in psychology so i guess i see it from a psychologist's perspective like "ok tell me ur problem," sort of stuff.
IpAncA Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 What I was trying to say, is that I was hoping you could apply that knowledge to my situation. Not just a blanket statement of kicking him to the curb. But what would've helped you in that situation? A way that wouldn't make you feel insecure in the relationship, yet still opened your eyes if they weren't? My situation is completely different and I can in NO WAY relate to your bf or what he's going through. True for the first part. For the second part... he's not always like this. More like... a few months will go by and things are great. Then for about 3-5 days he'll get a hair up his butt. Then everything goes back to normal and it's great again. Could be 5 months in between, could be 2 months. Depends. If this is the same guy that you've been with and have been writing CONSTANT threads about then yes I would leave him. There is so much drama and this relationship is to much work. IMO he is a control freak who has mood swings and is never going to change unless he wants to. Talking to this guy is not working. Why? Because he's not listening and he knows he can get away with it. Just because he does good things for you, doesn't make him a good bf. No amount of kindness he could offer would make me stay. Not with his behavior. And him telling you to ask for things or him reacting over the dumbest fu**ing things on this planet is a "red flag." You do have good advice. And I am listening. I disagree on attacking this with full frontal force. He's too bull headed to have that work. If I want to end the relationship, than that will work really well. But I had hoped to find a different route. Then tell me. What is it that you would like me to suggest? I'm being serious. Talking isn't working, you won't leave him, you won't give him a scare, counseling is out of the question. What is left? Your running out of opinions and frankly I'm running out of things to say. And that's fine too. You don't want to take what I suggest fine. Don't. No one said you have to. But please don't be bringing my situation into this. I don't need to be reminded of what a cold hearted selfish bitch that I am. And to say that I don't care about my relationship or whatever else can creep into people's minds, is cruel. Why? Because none of you know me or witnessed what happend.
Ariadne Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hi, For the record... Ask me first if I need help. It annoys me having you scurry around like a mouse trying to do things that I started doing." blah blah blah.. As I said... Be sensitive to the situation and knock yourself a few notches down. He is already starting to hate you, Ariadne
Author Walk Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thank you Lauriebell82. It worked well. We talked. And he's been super sweet. He spent the last 2 hours trying to help me with my homework tonight, plus did dishes and made dinner for me so I could continue working on it. Poor guy. I was stumped on it though....
Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 ur welcome..i'll make a damn fine counselor next year. remember to talk about things that are bothering u..if u have a good relationship and an understanding bf it will work everytime.
Author Walk Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 IMO he is a control freak who has mood swings and is never going to change unless he wants to. Talking to this guy is not working. Why? Because he's not listening and he knows he can get away with it. Sure. ok. He does listen though. He used to argue even worse. It was bad. He's changed the entire way he interacts with me when we have a problem now. All because he listened to what I was saying. It's not picture perfect... but every time something crappy happens, I can see the things he's doing that *I* specifically ASKED him to do in order to make discussing the problem more productive and both of us feel closer while disagreeing over something. I see what our "talking" accomplished, and to me it seems like he's altered a great deal of his behaviors because of the talks we've had. Then tell me. What is it that you would like me to suggest? I'm being serious. Talking isn't working, you won't leave him, you won't give him a scare, counseling is out of the question. What is left? Your running out of opinions and frankly I'm running out of things to say. I think talking does work. I've tried counseling in the past, and it only works if BOTH parties are willing to make it work. He's said he doesn't believe couseling works. I've "scared" him before by threatening to leave. I don't feel it's something to use at this time. I'm not trying to change him into someone else, so threatening to leave over every poorly handled scenario doesn't make sense. I want him to handle his problems better, maybe I could help direct him in ways to do that... throwing a hissy fit myself probably won't help set a good example. I don't need to be reminded of what a cold hearted selfish bitch that I am. And to say that I don't care about my relationship or whatever else can creep into people's minds, is cruel. Why? Because none of you know me or witnessed what happend. I never said that. You feel guilty about it and your magnifying what people are saying. You're projecting onto me the things inside of you. This is what's in your head. Not me saying it. Don't place blame on me for the crap floating around in there. Either forgive yourself and move past it, or whatever... but I didn't say all that negative ****. I'll solve the whole thing for you... I'm not posting again about anything related to my life or relationship. You win.
magichands Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I'm not posting again about anything related to my life or relationship. You win. We all win.
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