Author Walk Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 I commend you for trying to spice things up, but are you sure that it is not coming from a little bit of a selfish place? To boost your self esteem, perhaps? I went in there naked because he always emphasizes how important sex is to him, and he'd just restated the night before how he would really like it if I were to walk around naked or half clothed while going about my business. That he would find it incredibly erotic, and wondered why I don't do that more often. I did it for him. He drove me all around town yesterday morning to eye doctor appointments. I wanted to do something he'd really like to show my appreciation. It was something he said he wanted. As usual. I have bad timing.. no good intention goes unpunished I guess.
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 This was the problem. Think you pretty much nailed it. I wouldn't have even thought to go in there naked, except we had been sitting on the couch talking about sex and I said I wanted a shower first. So we head up stairs, he started working out while I jumped in the shower. I come out, sit down naked in the chair nearby, faced kind of away from him, and turned on my laptop... like... "I'm here.. but I'm keeping myself busy" kind of thing. Then he got upset. I don't care if he is an Olympic athlete training for the games - a man who gets ANGRY because his girlfriend walks into a room naked is STUPID. Walk has every right to walk around the house naked all day if she wants. So what if he was in the middle of something? She didn't pester him to stop working out, she didn't say anything - she sat in a chair and opened her laptop. His reaction was out of line.
Touche Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 What world do you live in ?? A workout is just exercise.. it isn't like he was training for the olympics.. I think her BF knew what she wanted and he didn't want it.. so he acted like an ass to make her the bad guy.. Art, unless I misread you were both saying the exact same thing. Anyway, Walk he's so selfish and childish. I can't imagine how you take this crap from him all the time. What a big baby. If that had happened with my H, he would have dropped everything for a romp (he nearly always does unless he's dead tired.) At the very least he would have acknowledged that I was in the room and probably made a comment about my nakedness. I honestly don't know how you put up with it.
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Art, unless I misread you were both saying the exact same thing. You are right Touche.. Sorry Unbelievable.. I misread your post.. Walk.. if he asked you to walk around the house naked more and then you do and he gets pissed then I would believe that he is fuQking with your head just to be mean to you.. Someone who has BPD does this.. they can have you believing that up is down and right is really left..
JamesM Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I will just chime in and agree with some of the above. If my wife walked in while I was working out, and she was naked, I would be shocked and unsure how to respond. However, since you had just talked about having sex, then I truthfully cannot understand his reaction. If you hadn't, then he wasn't in the mood. Me...I would be on her in an instant...as sex starved as I am. I commend you for trying to do something for him. Crazy how so many of these things backfire. I can see why you are confused. I am assuming that part of the confusion is that you expected him to be turned on, and he wasn't. Then it is easy to assume that your body is not appealing to him. This may have nothing to do with it since he has asked you to walk around naked. My guess...and it is only that...is that his mood for sex vanished. Then in his mind, he is being pressured. He had moved on from sex, and he now has something else planned for his day. No, I cannot understand his thinking, but I am guessing that this is it. Personally, I would say to forget about it. Make a mental note of it, and see if any other actions of his reinforce your concerns.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Walk - I think my response would depend on how dedicated your BF is to his workouts... does he LIVE to workout (you know the type) or just do it here and there? Has he made a commitment of some sort, like a NY resolution, or...??
Touche Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Walk - I think my response would depend on how dedicated your BF is to his workouts... does he LIVE to workout (you know the type) or just do it here and there? Has he made a commitment of some sort, like a NY resolution, or...?? See for me that question is irrelevant. His dedication to Walk should be greater than his dedication to his workout.
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 See for me that question is irrelevant. His dedication to Walk should be greater than his dedication to his workout. Agreed. I'm a work-out fanatic (in fact I have to go to the gym soon:p), but even I will skip a day if my H comes home from being on call and wants to cuddle all day in bed. I feel bad skipping a work-out, but I would feel even worse leaving him alone after not seeing him for 30 hrs to go to the gym.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 See for me that question is irrelevant. His dedication to Walk should be greater than his dedication to his workout. I disagree. There are lots of things that will - for 15 minutes or so, as in this instance - come first. A crying baby. Studying for the Bar Exam. A phone call with a friend who's lost a relative. And yes, a workout if training for a marathon/fight/to lower high BP. There have been times in my life where working out/eating right have been VERY IMPORTANT to me. If it's that important to me, it should be that important to my BF as well. I can recall instances where my ex would try to get me to have a burger and a shake, or stay out so late that there was no way I could be fully functioning for my morning meeting with my trainer. It pissed me off, and I found his conduct to be really selfish because he KNEW how important it was to me. Here, the roles could simply be reversed. Walk has acknowledged that his workouts are incredibly short. IF (and I'm saying IF) his workouts are pretty important to him, his "me time," an interruption that is clearly designed to draw him away from his workout when she could have simply waited is not too kind. I totally understand and appreciate Walk's intentions based on their previous conversations and her desire to please him, and can see myself doing the same thing if I didn't think first. But in thinking about how we act towards our SO's, we have to WALK in their shoes... we should think about how THEY would react, not how a "normal" person would react or how we'd want them to.
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Walk also said that he pretty much stays home all day and she was over for a couple of hours to see him. His work-outs may be important, but why at that specific time, when it was time alotted for them to be together? They had even talked about sex and how much he likes seeing her naked.... it ends up being a mixed message. If working out was so important to him, why would he choose a time when he knows the likelihood of interruption would be high (like when she comes over to spend time with him)? I think the issue may be beyond the work-out.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I think the issue may be beyond the work-out. DUH! There's a serious breakdown of communication between them regarding their needs. Walk asked for an opinion regarding HIS reaction and HIS perception. We understand and appreciate her intentions, but when analyzing his reaction/perception, her subjective intention is irrelevant. What it comes down to is this: She did "her thing" (shower) while he did "his thing" (the workout). From HIS perspective, when she was done with hers, she basically decided when he was going to be done with his as well. Do you get it yet?
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 DUH! There's a serious breakdown of communication between them regarding their needs. Walk asked for an opinion regarding HIS reaction and HIS perception. We understand and appreciate her intentions, but when analyzing his reaction/perception, her subjective intention is irrelevant. What it comes down to is this: She did "her thing" (shower) while he did "his thing" (the workout). From HIS perspective, when she was done with hers, she basically decided when he was going to be done with his as well. Do you get it yet? I don't get it yet. I still can't fathom why someone would get ANGRY. Yeah, so maybe he had another 5 minutes on his workout left. Why not be happy that girlfriend is naked, why not think how great it is that she's naked and willing, why not think it's fun of her to do that, use it as motivation - nice view!!, finish his workout, then ravish her? I just don't get the ultra ANGRY response.
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Do you get it yet? Thanks for the breakdown, although I was pretty aware of it before. However, there is a scale for everything, and his reaction to the situation was quite reminiscent of a tantrum. Walk may have been intrusive to him, but she appears unaware, and his reaction to the situation was out of scale. I'm not in Walk's head, but her intentions don't strike me as malicious, and I think they could have been much more appropriately dealt with with simple conversation. If in fact his work-out isn't more trivial to the time he spends with Walk, that may be his feelings, but Walk apparently isn't pleased with such a set of priorities. Her feelings are important, too, and thus, a compromise should be made by both. I do know if I yelled at my H for coming in naked while doing my pilates, he would look at me like I was crazy, but that's just my situation.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Thanks for the breakdown, although I was pretty aware of it before. No, I don't think you were, otherwise you wouldn't be taking sides. We're not there, we can't say who's set of priorities is right and who's isn't. But c'mon, how often does an adult "tantrum" take place without a series of incidents leading up to the event? I'm merely suggesting that perhaps Walk needs to consider the situation from her BF's perspective, not just her own.
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I just don't get the ultra ANGRY response. There is more at work here than just a relationship issue.. He says he wants it then when she does it he gets pissed... He is trying to make her head spin on purpose.. it is all part of his issue that he has and she doesn't see.. She keeps blaming herself even though she isn't to blame.. This is what he wanted.. He got the expected result from all of this.. She thinks less of herself..
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 But c'mon, how often does an adult "tantrum" take place without a series of incidents leading up to the event? Um, one of the first things I said was maybe he was angry or frustrated about something in the relationship and he chose this as an opportunity to express his anger. I also asked if she could think of anything that would precipitate that. But I guess you didn't read that. No I'm not there, and yes, I'm going by only what Walk says, but I don't think it's often you have both sides posting on the forum, so don't we usually only get one side? Whatever the case, his getting upset didn't solve anything and did not effectively express his feelings. Walk still isn't clear on why he got so angry, so the outburst was unclear and ineffective. I think it would have been much better for the two of them to talk about it. And thinking a work-out is trivial compared to time with a loved one is my opinion and I stick with it. Walk asked for opinions, that's what she got. She can do with them as she sees fit.
IpAncA Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I don't get it. He said I was being controlling. That he was doing something he wanted to do as an individual and I was trying to stop him and make him focus on me... I just sat in the chair nearby. I sit there fully clothed on other times, and he doesn't consider that a control issue. yet naked it becomes a self-serving, selfish endeavor. I don't see how your being controlling unless majority of the time you are bothering him during "his time" and trying to get him to do something else other then what he's doing. Then that is controlling no matter what it is your doing. I try to do something I think he would enjoy, and I get pissed on for it. awesome... grr.. Wrong timing.
melodymatters Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I'm with nora jane on this one ! I can't think of anything I could be doing that would make me ANGRY at a BF for entering the room naked ! If I was taking a timed test on the computer, I might laugh and say " Uh hon, your distracting me just a bit, could you wait another ( insert time frame here) before you wag your willie in my face " But anger ????? Nah, sounds like a mean spirited person. My ex husband never missed a chance to make me feel foolish, dumb, unattractive etc., and would get mad over CRAZY crap like what happened to walk. Thats why he's an EX !!!
PussInHeels Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 As I said before a few times, I can sympathize with his annoyance at being interrupted, but not anger. Whether or not he was angry about something else, the situation still ended up not being dealt with.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 You are right Touche.. Sorry Unbelievable.. I misread your post.. Walk.. if he asked you to walk around the house naked more and then you do and he gets pissed then I would believe that he is fuQking with your head just to be mean to you.. Someone who has BPD does this.. they can have you believing that up is down and right is really left.. Yeah I agree. WTF??? Night before he asks you do to it, you do it and he gets pissy and leaves??? That's just wrong.
AwkwardMan Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 "It would be D... Screw the workout and have shower/sex with the GF .."
Unbeleivable Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 You are right Touche.. Sorry Unbelievable.. I misread your post.. Walk.. if he asked you to walk around the house naked more and then you do and he gets pissed then I would believe that he is fuQking with your head just to be mean to you.. Someone who has BPD does this.. they can have you believing that up is down and right is really left.. Its ok, I probably could have worded myself better
Author Walk Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 I got a couple seconds between classes. Can't believe the number of responses. Gonna try to to clarify some of the questions poised. I live with my bf, but I've been a bit busy with school. Maybe 6-7 hours a day tops though. He's been bouncing off the walls from boredom. I've suggested he go out with his brother. Do stuff. I'm not clinging to him or overly demanding his attention lately. He's never worked out in the 3 years I've dated him. I bought him a work out bench for christmas because he mentioned he might use one. He quit his job last week and used it for the first time since christmas. He's used it 3-4 times now. He mentioned as an aside the other day that he would like to lift weights 3 times a week.. But I was under the impression that it was more of a casual thought... something to kill the boredom, and make him feel less like a worthless sloth right now. He's been joking a lot about wanting me to gain more weight. Which I don't understand. Its becoming annoying.. the joke. Yesterday he drove me all over town for doctors appointments and stuff. He said he was happy to do it. I let him know that if he had other things to do that I would be able to drive myself and not to worry. I also thanked him profusely for driving me around and taking most of his day to help me. Thanked him during, and a couple times afterward. I got ready to go to class today and walked out of the house to my car. Bf was waiting in his car outside, and he said he wanted to drive me to class because my eye is still givign me problems. He's going to pick me up later tonight after the meetings are over. I said I could find a ride home, he insisted he'd come pick me up. I have no idea what would be bugging him outside of the "incident" today. He's seemed fine otherwise. A little down about the employment aspects in this town. Feeling a little low for quitting the other job. He doesn't like having me pay for the bills, but I've tried really hard to let him know it's something I realy want to do for him, and to take a couple months and relax and enjoy himself. You know.. recoup and destress, and take his time in finding a new employer. We talked the hell out of it prior to his quitting, and he said he resolve his problems with me paying for things for a while. Maybe that helped give a better "overall picture". Not sure. I have to get back to class. Thanks for hte alternative perceptions. I'm going to talk to him later tonight, and those will give me some good points to discuss with him and see how he feels about each one. Thanks again. I'm still kind of pissed he got mad and left though. Seemed like an over reaction to something really trivial to me.
IpAncA Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I have no idea what would be bugging him outside of the "incident" today. He's seemed fine otherwise. A little down about the employment aspects in this town. Feeling a little low for quitting the other job. He doesn't like having me pay for the bills, but I've tried really hard to let him know it's something I realy want to do for him, and to take a couple months and relax and enjoy himself. You know.. recoup and destress, and take his time in finding a new employer. We talked the hell out of it prior to his quitting, and he said he resolve his problems with me paying for things for a while. Walk, why does he need a couple of months to relax before he gets another job? Good thing I'm not with him, I'd make him get a job asap. There would be none of this lying around and taking your time.
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