Dating Out Of My Class

[dropdeadlegs]

I could read your "Guest" post because I am a supporting member with email notification and I now feel that my earlier reply (based on more information) is a bit off base. He sounds very grounded, policeman father and a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM), going to Yale on grants/scholarships, etc.

 

If there is chemistry don't worry about his education/profession. He didn't mention his Ivy League status until the fourth date and that tells me that he may know it is somewhat daunting to some. He let you get to know him before playing that card and to me that is good. It's the family that concerned me most previously. I bet they couldn't be prouder of the headrow he has made.

 

I still have faith in men. He isn't necessarily boinking 10 women in the background. He grew up in a non-elite background and is probably looking for a SAHM to marry himself. If that is enticing to you (I love it, myself)

keep on keeping on! Good luck!

[Green]

so many questions explained

[humblegirl]

Oh my goodness it has started already. Last night my girlfriends invited me to go with them to a "mixer" at a hotel. When we arrived there were so many people there, (drinking and dancing). I left her to make my way through the crowd to the ladies room. Who do I bump into but "Mr. Yale". We both were surprised and I said to him "Wow, I didn't know you would be here". His eyes were big as saucers. I said "hey, let's go dance" and he said "oh no I can't I'm here with some friends and they are are getting ready to leave". I said "okay well you guys have a nice time". I went back to my girlfriends and we partied and danced for about an hour (never seeing "Mr. Y" or his friends during this time). I sat down to rest and was talking to one of my friends when he showed up and squat down to tell me "my friends and I are leaving now and I will call you tomorrow". I said okay have fun. About 15 minutes later I'm still sitting but could see through the other people him dancing with a very well dressed girl. She looked as if she was pissed at him and she walked off the floor - he followed behind her and I never saw him again. It was clear to me that she was with his group and he was with her. He is clearly dating other people too.

 

I don't know what to do. We are just dating and I'm not officially his girl yet so I don't know what to say or do about this situation. He did call me this morning but I told our receptionist to say I wasn't in today. How do I handle this?

[brokenhart2007]

It sounds like this man is really into you. But I would feel intimidated also, not because his rude friends, or because my education was below his, but I would worry that he wanted a girlfriend to be as perfect as his grades were! But you should go with it and see what happens..talk to him about your concerns, honesty is best...he knows that, I mean come on, he went to Yale!

[humblegirl]

Thank you for your repsonse brokenhart but did you read my last post as of today? I don't really know what he is in to. I guess time will tell on this one if I still date him.

[norajane]

Next time you go out with him, ask him if he's seeing other people. You want to make sure you're on the same page. Lots of people date more than one person in the early stages of a relationship. Then, if things progress, they agree to date exclusively.

[brokenhart2007]

Sorry I didn't see your last post. I would ask him straight up what is going on. He knows you were there, so just tell him you want to know if there's something going with that woman or with any other women. I guess just go from there...but I'd at least give him a chance to explain before jumping to conclusions; although what you saw would be disturbing for anyone that's for sure.

[humblegirl]

I haven't been here for a while. I'm still dating this guy and decided not to ask him about that night at the hotel with his friends. I just wasn't available for the rest of that weekend when he called.

 

He took me to a play on Valentine's Day and we were intimate that night. I was a bit disappointed in the sex to be honest, but I am starting to care deeply for him.

 

 

My birthday was Friday and I noticed my friends hadn't called me and I thought were acting strange. He has asked if he could take me to dinner on my birthday and picked me up. (Also he sent a dozen of red roses to my job and I was pleasantly surprised). We arrived at the Indian restaurant and I looked in this large room and my friends were there. When we stepped in the room some of his friends were there also. They all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!!!!!! I felt like I was going to faint - I'm not one who likes surprises and this was overwhelming. I couldn't believe he contacted my friends and didn't know how he did it. Anyway, the room was a circular room with circular seating. One of his friends stood up and said "let's all get up one by one and tell the group a little about ourselves and what we do". My friends look horrified and I was so embarrassed for them. Then my date gets up and agrees with his friend that this is what everyone should do. So they started it off and after the two of them finished no one else got up. I could tell by the way my friends were acting that they thought he was obnoxious and this was their first time meeting him, except for my best friend (who only met him talked 10 minutes). Then, another acquaintance of mine from work and her bf arrived late and they were drunk or on something because they were stumbling. My date and his friend were kind of making fun of them which I didn't appreciate but the couple was making complete fools of themselves. I didn't know why they were there because she was not a friend of mine.

 

I don't mean to be ungrateful but may be that was too much to contact my friends without me introducing them first. I think my friends got the wrong impression of him and his friends. I acted pleased because I know how much trouble and expense he went through to make this happen but it just didn't go off.

 

Do you think that was a bit much so soon? Also his birthday is coming up soon and I can't afford to do anything large for him.

[riobikini]

Dear Guest, here'a a recent thread posted on LS asking the same type of question. It might be helpful:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=112367

 

 

-Rio

[humblegirl]

Thanks Rio, that did help to give me some insight. I do have concerns how this will turn out but I'm pretty much on board in this now.

[Trialbyfire]

1. The rude girls at the party are just your plain run-of-the-mill classless bitches. It has nothing to do with their level of education. You can find rude classless bitches with Ph.Ds and as well as with only junior high school educations. How you handle their rudeness will set you apart. Ignoring it is the best way to handle it. Don't lower yourself to their level.

 

Straightforward, I would not say anything to him about those girls' behavior.

 

You've only known him for three weeks and been on...how many dates? Too soon to sound like you're making judgement calls on his circle of friends.

 

Consider...perhaps these girls are just rude to everyone, in general, or to all 'outsiders'? Try to remember: their behavior really has nothing to do with you. Having this perspective can make it easier to almost be amused by their behavior. It makes it sort of like watching someone putting on an act instead of getting involved in the play, yourself.

 

Although, the truth is, that if you two are to continue dating, you could likely wind up being around these girls, or some other version of them.

 

2. I'm troubled by your girlfriends' comments. Or, rather, that people that you consider to be your friends are making comments like this to you. If one of my girlfriends made a comment like that to me, I would have to fathom a guess that she's jealous. I'd take a good look at the people you're calling friends before you take any of their advice.

 

 

Do you want to go out with him? If so, then go. If you're nervous about things, then just take it slow. It's only been three weeks, hon. Go on a few more dates and have some fun. If things don't seem to be going well after a few more dates, then don't go anymore.

 

Of course, if you're already sure that it won't work out, then don't waste your time. Or his.

 

I have a college education (not Ivy League) and grew up in an affluent area. The considerations for me about dating anyone are things like:

 

Can we converse comfortably?

 

Do we have similar views on life?

 

Do we have things in common and/or some overlapping interests?

 

Etc.

 

These things are not necessarily related to one's level of education.

 

I will be honest and say that someone who has gone through the Ivy League educational mill has likely had some different experiences than you have (or I have). Additionally, unless he got through on brains and scholarships/grants, then he probably comes from an affluent family, as well. These are simply things to be aware of without acting on them.

 

You're young and so is he. Have a little fun. Why not try to put the education difference out of mind for now and see how you two get along before worrying too much the future?

Well said. One thing I would also like to add is, are you certain they're being rude or are you feeling uncertain because you feel intimidated?

 

On the flip side, both men and women will sometimes elevate themselves by using either the cold shoulder or the closed circle technique to someone new and/or threatening. It's very grade school. Just ignore it.

[stillafool]

I haven't been here for a while. I'm still dating this guy and decided not to ask him about that night at the hotel with his friends. I just wasn't available for the rest of that weekend when he called.

 

He took me to a play on Valentine's Day and we were intimate that night. I was a bit disappointed in the sex to be honest, but I am starting to care deeply for him.

 

Now you have peaked my interest. Was it really bad??

 

My birthday was Friday and I noticed my friends hadn't called me and I thought were acting strange. He has asked if he could take me to dinner on my birthday and picked me up. (Also he sent a dozen of red roses to my job and I was pleasantly surprised). We arrived at the Indian restaurant and I looked in this large room and my friends were there. When we stepped in the room some of his friends were there also. They all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!!!!!! I felt like I was going to faint - I'm not one who likes surprises and this was overwhelming. I couldn't believe he contacted my friends and didn't know how he did it. Anyway, the room was a circular room with circular seating. One of his friends stood up and said "let's all get up one by one and tell the group a little about ourselves and what we do". My friends look horrified and I was so embarrassed for them. Then my date gets up and agrees with his friend that this is what everyone should do. So they started it off and after the two of them finished no one else got up. I could tell by the way my friends were acting that they thought he was obnoxious and this was their first time meeting him, except for my best friend (who only met him talked 10 minutes). Then, another acquaintance of mine from work and her bf arrived late and they were drunk or on something because they were stumbling. My date and his friend were kind of making fun of them which I didn't appreciate but the couple was making complete fools of themselves. I didn't know why they were there because she was not a friend of mine.

 

I don't mean to be ungrateful but may be that was too much to contact my friends without me introducing them first. I think my friends got the wrong impression of him and his friends. I acted pleased because I know how much trouble and expense he went through to make this happen but it just didn't go off.

 

I would have been put off by the the way your bf and his friend came off to everyone as well. They should have realized not everyone would be comfortable in doing that. Also it's better to let people get to know each other on their own. All in all he was trying to show you how much he cares about you to put in that much work for a birthday party for you.

 

Do you think that was a bit much so soon? Also his birthday is coming up soon and I can't afford to do anything large for him.

 

Don't worry about that he knows you don't make the kind of money he does so I'm sure he doesn't expect the same or close to it.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I don't think it was too much too soon. He did it for you -he did what he felt was right in his heart. A kind gesture out of respect and compassion.

 

You are a lucky woman, Humblegirl. You should be thankful. There are plenty of woman, who would like to be in your position, willing and welcoming someone like that man.

 

So what if he made a few minor mistakes, and the intimacy was a disappointment. That shouldn't be part of your overall judgment of him as he hasn't judged you to any extreme extent -nor deliberately violated any of the boundaries.

 

I do believe you should continue to date him -not because out of superficial reasons but because somehow and somewhere you touched something special within his soul that perhaps no other woman has thus far.

 

Don't underestimate your abilities, capabilities, and love.

 

IF you keep pushing him away, rejecting him, you will ultimately loose him -never to have wholly explored a life with him. Consequently, declaring a black dead-end and short-lived destiny upon your life and your future.

 

You are only one who can choose and love. No one else can do that for you.

 

Sand&Water

[Topper]

KMT, Yes a law degree from Yale, Harvard, University of Virgina and others is very impressive. Yet many of those with impressive degrees are stilling in Federal prisons for white collar crimes. Right now i think the best business education you could get minus the ethics would be going to one of these minium security fed prisons. What is more impressive is who that person really is on the inside.

I have moved in circles with some of the wealthiest and some of the brightest minds in the Business world. The ones that I admire the most are those that worked their way up. I Know one who was literally a Hill Billy something like 5 generation from the coal fields of West Virginia, Another who grow up lower middle class in Brooklyn NY Both got advanced degrees one from UV law school the other Mathmatics from Stanford.

 

My point is that with the right attitude you should be able to move in most social circles. The woman who sobbed the OP might just have been jealous because she had the guy that they all wanted.

[IpAncA]

I don't really see anything wrong. He seems like a decent guy who went out and made himself a great future who happends to like you.

 

With regards to the dating thing, unless your exclusive then their's nothing you can do except talk to him about it.

 

I think that if you like him then you should try and put your friends and background out of it. He obviously doesn't care about that stuff and shouldn't either.

[norajane]

He took me to a play on Valentine's Day and we were intimate that night. I was a bit disappointed in the sex to be honest, but I am starting to care deeply for him.

 

Eh. First time sex isn't always what it's cracked up to be. It takes time to get to know each other, and to feel comfortable letting loose the inner sex fiends. Next time, DO the things that you find erotic, and TELL/SHOW him the things that you would like him to do to you.

 

My birthday was Friday and I noticed my friends hadn't called me and I thought were acting strange. He has asked if he could take me to dinner on my birthday and picked me up. (Also he sent a dozen of red roses to my job and I was pleasantly surprised). We arrived at the Indian restaurant and I looked in this large room and my friends were there. When we stepped in the room some of his friends were there also. They all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!!!!!! I felt like I was going to faint - I'm not one who likes surprises and this was overwhelming. I couldn't believe he contacted my friends and didn't know how he did it.

 

Wow, he really went to a lot of trouble to plan that surprise for you! He must have wanted you to have a great time on your birthday - roses and a surprise party. Most girls would pee in their pants if their guy did anything that thoughtful and required so much effort. I know my bf wouldn't have a clue how to get in touch with most of my friends, nor would he ever think to plan a surprise like that, and we've known each other for years and years.

 

Anyway, the room was a circular room with circular seating. One of his friends stood up and said "let's all get up one by one and tell the group a little about ourselves and what we do". My friends look horrified and I was so embarrassed for them. Then my date gets up and agrees with his friend that this is what everyone should do. So they started it off and after the two of them finished no one else got up. I could tell by the way my friends were acting that they thought he was obnoxious and this was their first time meeting him, except for my best friend (who only met him talked 10 minutes).

 

Jeez, what's so hard about introducing yourself? All you have to do is say, "hi, my name is Alice and I've been friends with humblegirl since we were 12 and stuffing our bras in the bathroom." No one had to talk about their jobs if they didn't want to; it was just a suggestion on what to say, especially for his friends who didn't even know you. And, since there were a lot of people who didn't know each other, and it was in a restaurant, mingling is a bit difficult. It could have been a nice ice-breaker, and you and your friends turned it into an awkward moment because you couldn't get over those huge chips on your shoulders.

 

Sorry, but I thik your friends were obnxious. They gave him just as much of a cold shoulder as his female friends did to you at that first party. Now they were all there to support their friend with his new girl, and you all froze them out.

 

Then, another acquaintance of mine from work and her bf arrived late and they were drunk or on something because they were stumbling. My date and his friend were kind of making fun of them which I didn't appreciate but the couple was making complete fools of themselves. I didn't know why they were there because she was not a friend of mine.

 

So, who cares? Why is this important to you? If this acquaintance had been invited to a party where your bf and his friends weren't present, do you think that you and your friends might have been making fun of them too? Think about it - I'll bet the only reason you're making this a big deal is because you were just plain embarrassed by these people and didn't want anyone thinking they were actually your friends because they made you look bad.

 

I don't mean to be ungrateful but may be that was too much to contact my friends without me introducing them first. I think my friends got the wrong impression of him and his friends. I acted pleased because I know how much trouble and expense he went through to make this happen but it just didn't go off.

 

I think your friends were all set not to like him from the start. They took their cues from you. And yes, I think you're being a bit ungrateful. He did this for YOU, because he wanted you to feel special. It didn't go off because you and your friends made things awkward. So what if you hadn't introduced him to your friends? Your friends could have told you he was planning a surprise party...or they could have told him it was inappropriate and you wouldn't like it. I just don't think you need to blame him for the party not being that good.

 

Do you think that was a bit much so soon? Also his birthday is coming up soon and I can't afford to do anything large for him.

 

I don't know if it was too much, too soon. Obviously you think so. I think it was a sweet thing for him to do. I mean, really, what exactly was so terrible about him inviting some of your friends to a restaurant for your birthday?

 

I'm sure he doesn't expect you to do anything expensive for him. You said he came from a humble background himself. As far as I know, police officer dads don't exactly make a lot of money. I'm sure he's well aware that you can't spend a lot of money. You can, however, plan something special that doesn't cost a lot of money.

 

It really is the THOUGHT that counts.

[Cecelius]

having a yale law degree would be intimidating to even a person who had a law degree from a less impresive school. I mean its YALE. with that aside if your a charming person to be around thats what he sees in you. .

 

It's true. I am very intimidated by the dudes who used to get the cr@p kicked out of them in high school and one-up each other by searching for typos...

[humblegirl]

No Norajane, I am grateful for my party and I should have said this before but I still had fun. The situation I described with my friend was just an awkward moment in the beginning, and later when my co-worker and her boyfriend came in drunk and started knocking things over. I acted very happy and followed up with a thank you note to him.

 

You're right about the sex and it being the first time. It was so short (under 2 min.) and it was over but it could have been due to first time excitment. He didn't try to do it a second time that night either. It was better on the night of my birthday but it was still a problem ( I don't know if I am allowed to describe it here on LS). It almost doesn't matter because his kiss is enough to send me over the top.

 

I don't feel I had a chip on my shoulders and didn't act that way at all. I was very friendly and talkative to everyone. Since it was my party I gave my attention to everyone. My friends are very nice people and I am in no way ashamed of them. If we were alone and saw him and his friends we would not make fun of them because my date and his friends are goodlooking and smart, there would be nothing to laugh at.

 

After everyone started drinking things relaxed. Later when I talked to my best friend she said she had a good time. Maybe I was reading to much into what my friends were thinking. I haven't talked to the others yet. The drunk girl from work said she and her boyfriend had a great time (I was surprised they even remembered).

[humblegirl]

I like this guy a lot and feel I am falling hard for him. I am scared. He did tell me that he was in love with his ex gf from Yale. He told me this when we first started talking to each other before we even went on our first date. He told me he had her picture up and other girls he dated had asked him to take it down and he said he wouldn't. The first time I went to his house it was up, but the last time I went he had taken it down. I looked at the space and looked at him and smiled. I never said anything else about it. I know he still cares a lot about her and it sounds like she feels the same about him. She is in another state working but is from this state so......

[VinaAmez]

I like this guy a lot and feel I am falling hard for him. I am scared. He did tell me that he was in love with his ex gf from Yale. He told me this when we first started talking to each other before we even went on our first date. He told me he had her picture up and other girls he dated had asked him to take it down and he said he wouldn't. The first time I went to his house it was up, but the last time I went he had taken it down. I looked at the space and looked at him and smiled. I never said anything else about it. I know he still cares a lot about her and it sounds like she feels the same about him. She is in another state working but is from this state so......

 

He's still in love with this EX?

[humblegirl]

Well VinaAmez, it is very likely that he still is. From what he's told me they were very close and she is an attorney also so they have a lot in common. That's why I need to take this relationship slow, but now that we've had sex, it's opened up a whole new set of emotions.

[Dadaal]

If you know how to drive a car and you have a great talent - obviously, you can't drive on the road, why? because you need a permission. The permission is a rule set up by people like us. Same for those degrees, too. The bottom line is you don't need to lose your confidence just because that inidividual has a permission to drive from Yale.

[stillafool]

I like this guy a lot and feel I am falling hard for him. I am scared. He did tell me that he was in love with his ex gf from Yale. He told me this when we first started talking to each other before we even went on our first date. He told me he had her picture up and other girls he dated had asked him to take it down and he said he wouldn't. The first time I went to his house it was up, but the last time I went he had taken it down. I looked at the space and looked at him and smiled. I never said anything else about it. I know he still cares a lot about her and it sounds like she feels the same about him. She is in another state working but is from this state so......

 

I think by him taking the picture down he is showing you (or hisself) he is trying to move on. I can't blame you for taking it slower because if she is still in love with him it may be a problem.

 

As far as his sex problem - you can describe it here if you do it delicately.

[IpAncA]

I think by him taking the picture down he is showing you (or hisself) he is trying to move on. I can't blame you for taking it slower because if she is still in love with him it may be a problem.

 

I agree. Glad to see he took the picture down.

[humblegirl]

As far as his sex problem - you can describe it here if you do it delicately.

 

Well, I know he's excited and so am I, but his penis is hard until he tries to penetrate and it goes soft and he forces his soft penis in. This has happened everytime and I haven't said anything for fear of making it worst. I wonder if it's like this all the time. Has anyone else experienced this problem?