WonderWater Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 My MM officially ended it up with me last... kind of. He wants to end the "real" part of our relationship but keep the physical side ongoing. As much as that should make me angry at him and hate him, I don't because (and this is the first time I've admitted it in writing) I love him. Last Wednesday, we went to lunch and he confessed to me that he had "fallen for over", that he didn't want to resolve with his wife because he wanted to be with me, and the he wishes he was married to me. He was starting therapy the next day to be able to figure things out, since he was 36 and still didn't have a clue what he wanted out of life. So, yesterday was session #2, and evidentally, it only took him an hour to decide what he wanted out of life. In a completely heart-breaking conversation to me last night, he told that he has decided with every ounce of his being that he wants a divorce, but that he still wants to help his wife out (she has been diagnosed as being depressed). But, instead of jumping right into another relationship, he wants to be alone. During this whole conversation, he says things to me like I am the perfect wife for him. I have every quality that he has ever looked for in a woman. He admitted that we would be so good together and that he enjoys not just the "benefits" but all the other things. In his engineering mind (yes we are both computer geeks), he has done the risk assessment and realized that if he were to get right into a relationship with me, he would end up regretting it down the line. So, now I sit here alone - losing my husband and the man I love. How weird is that to say. I loved my husband once, but we just grew too far apart. The ironic thing is that my heart is finally now breaking - it didn't when my husband and I decided on divorce, but it is now because I am losing my MM. I just can't justify in my mind head how he can walk away from something that he claims is so perfect for him. Which leads me to the other thoughts in my head. These are the thoughts that are probably the defense mechanism to protect me from hurting too much. These are the thoughts that are telling me that everything he has been saying to me has been a complete pack of lies. It has all been an act to keeping getting me into bed with him. And now he is finally bored with me, and his way of getting out of it is to make himself look like the hero - the self-sacrificing person who is giving up what could truly be good because he doesn't want to make me wait for him. I'm am so on the edge... I never knew love could hurt this much. I never knew it was possible to love so much without ever having it returned.
sassy N sassy Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 My MM officially ended it up with me last... kind of. He wants to end the "real" part of our relationship but keep the physical side ongoing. As much as that should make me angry at him and hate him, I don't because (and this is the first time I've admitted it in writing) I love him. Last Wednesday, we went to lunch and he confessed to me that he had "fallen for over", that he didn't want to resolve with his wife because he wanted to be with me, and the he wishes he was married to me. He was starting therapy the next day to be able to figure things out, since he was 36 and still didn't have a clue what he wanted out of life. So, yesterday was session #2, and evidentally, it only took him an hour to decide what he wanted out of life. In a completely heart-breaking conversation to me last night, he told that he has decided with every ounce of his being that he wants a divorce, but that he still wants to help his wife out (she has been diagnosed as being depressed). But, instead of jumping right into another relationship, he wants to be alone. During this whole conversation, he says things to me like I am the perfect wife for him. I have every quality that he has ever looked for in a woman. He admitted that we would be so good together and that he enjoys not just the "benefits" but all the other things. In his engineering mind (yes we are both computer geeks), he has done the risk assessment and realized that if he were to get right into a relationship with me, he would end up regretting it down the line. So, now I sit here alone - losing my husband and the man I love. How weird is that to say. I loved my husband once, but we just grew too far apart. The ironic thing is that my heart is finally now breaking - it didn't when my husband and I decided on divorce, but it is now because I am losing my MM. I just can't justify in my mind head how he can walk away from something that he claims is so perfect for him. Which leads me to the other thoughts in my head. These are the thoughts that are probably the defense mechanism to protect me from hurting too much. These are the thoughts that are telling me that everything he has been saying to me has been a complete pack of lies. It has all been an act to keeping getting me into bed with him. And now he is finally bored with me, and his way of getting out of it is to make himself look like the hero - the self-sacrificing person who is giving up what could truly be good because he doesn't want to make me wait for him. I'm am so on the edge... I never knew love could hurt this much. I never knew it was possible to love so much without ever having it returned. I had in affair for 12 years. i no how love hurts believe me i'm going threw it. I email my lover and told him i was letting go of him. i could not take it anymore. all he could tell me he know i was hurting but he didnt have the answers. i care for him but he doesnt care enought for me. i'm following my heart this time and be strong and move on. my friend follow your heart. then you will no.
frannie Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Last Wednesday, we went to lunch and he confessed to me that he had "fallen for over", that he didn't want to resolve with his wife because he wanted to be with me, and the he wishes he was married to me. He was starting therapy the next day to be able to figure things out, since he was 36 and still didn't have a clue what he wanted out of life. So, yesterday was session #2, and evidentally, it only took him an hour to decide what he wanted out of life. In a completely heart-breaking conversation to me last night, he told that he has decided with every ounce of his being that he wants a divorce, but that he still wants to help his wife out (she has been diagnosed as being depressed). But, instead of jumping right into another relationship, he wants to be alone. Perhaps he is telling the truth in some way, because the way he's flip-flopping between one decision and another, that he wants to be with you and he doesn't, in a matter of days, doesn't sound like he's ready for any relationship at the moment. What arrangements have you made regarding staying in contact, or NC, or what..? Sorry you're going through all this.
torranceshipman Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Did I understand right that he is divorcing his wife, wants to think about how to somehow support his (soon to be ex-wife) as she has depression (which is quite commendable I think, at least the intention is - i guess it depends how he handles that approach to supporting her) - and then needs time out from that situation to be single for a while, to get his head together about what he wants? I don't know the guy so I can't say for sure what are lies and what aren't, but he sounds like he's taking a good approach to all of this. It doesn't sound like an out-and-out rejection of you - he just needs to deal with the stress of the divorce, wife's depression, etc, have some time to himself then know he's moving forward in the best way for him (which sounds to me like it'd include you-he just doesn't want to rush into it) - does any of that sound like it might be what is going on?
kymberann Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 I say give him the time. More importantly, you need the time. You've had a few losses, lately. Yes experience with MM is heart breaking, difficult to deal with right now, but you still have the loss of the M. You may have grown apart from your H, but the fact you lost a potential long term R whether you grow apart is still a loss. The A with MM may have just taken precidence over ending the M. He wants to end the "real" part of our relationship but keep the physical side ongoing. I would be wary of this!! How can you end the real part, keep the physical while pretending the "real" part never happened? Or let it influence what is going on now? I think that will hurt you even more in the lpng run. How can you possibly heal if you continue in this way? Again, I say take some time for you! You deserve it! Best, Kim
Just 'nother MM Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 My MM officially ended it up with me last... kind of. He wants to end the "real" part of our relationship but keep the physical side ongoing. I agree with kymberann. Don't do this. It is unlikely that you will be able to separate your intimate emotional connection from the physical pleasure, and you'll just end up having to endure even more pain and confusion. So, yesterday was session #2, and evidentally, it only took him an hour to decide what he wanted out of life. No, it took only an hour for him to convince himself of the merits of this position. I'm sure that it took only another hour to change his mind. He is confused and I would expect him to constantly shift his position and desires as he works through this. In a completely heart-breaking conversation to me last night, he told that he has decided with every ounce of his being that he wants a divorce, but that he still wants to help his wife out (she has been diagnosed as being depressed). Maybe he's filled with guilt; thinking that you're abandoning your spouse is not uncommon for those thinking about divorce. Even if he's not motivated by guilt, it's natural to want to help the person with whom you've been married. Not all divorces are bloody wars. But, instead of jumping right into another relationship, he wants to be alone. I'm sure that was difficult for you to hear, WW, but it's probably a wise decision. Look at torranceshipman's post again, (s)he explains it very well.
frannie Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 He wants to end the "real" part of our relationship but keep the physical side ongoing. No idea how I missed that the first time. But I too think it's a big no-no. Why does he think that would even be OK with you..? He's told you he wishes he was married to you, but now he's getting divorced he just wants sex..? ok... he really is confused. Or something.
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