higherground5 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 So a girl I've been dating for about 6 months now has told me she's very frustrated because she finds it very hard to get in touch with me. Yesterday, she sent over an email and she said something about how she's frustrated with class. I didn't have time to respond to her because I was at work. She called me that night, missed the call, but I called her back right away. Today, she sent over an email saying that her sister just gave birth so she's going down to see her at the hospital (ok?). I didn't response because I was busy at work. So I gave her a call after work and she forwarded my call to her voicemail...this happened twice. I finally got through to her and she yelled at me saying "I'm so frustrated right now...I'll call you later!". Well, no one yells at me, so I sent her a text saying that "don't bother calling me, no one yells at me like that". She then replied later saying "im sorry for yelling at you, im just so frustrated how you don't get in touch with me". So she called me later that night, and we talked. I told her that she has to realize that I can't get in touch with her all the time, as fast as she wants because I can be busy. Also, I told her that I will make a conscious effort to initiate calls and reply to her. So then she said she doesn't even feel the need to contact me anymore about stupid things because she feels she's "interrupting" me. So this just got me more pissed because I said I would work towards making an initiative to better the situation. So what the heck is going on here? Should I give her what she wants with moderation, or what? I don't want to piss her off even more, but I feel trapped either way. I almost felt like she was trying to find an excuse to pull herself away. Thoughts? Thanks forbin
magda Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I can sort of see her side. If you're busy at work, why are you checking her emails to begin with? Why not make a quick reply... "can't type much, too busy! will call later! send my best." I can see why she feels like an imposition. She does need to understand being busy at work can't be helped, but it sounds like more than just that is going on. I think just make more of an effort and take more initiative in calling and such and you'll be alright if you make more effort. If you feel trapped because she's making you talk to her a little everyday, maybe she isn't the best match for you?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Do you contact her in one way or another daily? If so I think she sounds a bit needy. Or maybe spoiled. I think for me that consistency is probably the key. If I generally speak to you daily, or three times daily, that is what I will come to expect. If it's hit or miss, I'll become accustomed to that and won't have much expectation. In this world of instant gratification people expect so much more. With email and cell phones/text messaging I guess we are all supposed to stop on a dime every time the phone rings or the computer "bongs." Years ago this was not a problem as most people did not even have an answering machine. We are all spoiled rotten by technology. Just my little bitty rant....
Limerent Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Do you contact her in one way or another daily? If so I think she sounds a bit needy. Or maybe spoiled. If this is the case, and you do maintain habitual contact throughout the day, then please disregard my further comments.. Should I give her what she wants with moderation, or what? This smarts of a controlling nature...are you her master or her boyfriend? WITH moderation? I can understand how she would feel inferior to that world you've created and so conveniently forgot to invite her inside of. She has been throwing out the rope and you have chosen not to grasp it. What else is left, in her opinion? Furthermore, what girl would want to spend time with a man who considers it a chore to just respond with anything, anything at all to let her know you are still thinking of her? she has to realize that I can't get in touch with her all the time, as fast as she wants because I can be busy. ...but apparently not too busy to check the email in the first place, as magda pointed out. She is going to have a tough time understanding that one. How do you really feel about her? Because my overall feeling and opinion I get is that you consider her a chore with benefits.
Kamille Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Like everyone else I feel like I would need more information to assess whether she is being needy or not. But no matter what, I think you two might be at a stalemate when it comes to reaching an understanding of what the issue is - and therefore at a stalemate when it comes to even begin to make compromises. I notice that after six months you still consider her a girl you are dating. She might be at a point where she feels the relationship should be going a step further, but doesn't know how to ask for it or doesn't feel that you are ready for that - so instead of asking for it she is looking for 'clues' as to your level of commitment. This in turn making her feel insecure. this in turn making her behave in ways she normally wouldn't if she felt safe and secure in the relationship. So I think some of the responses here address that: are you putting everything in place so that she feels safe in the relationsip? When you are with her do you make her feel like a million bucks? When you are with her, are you with her? What is the situation here? Do you / did you see potential for a future with her? If so, if then I'd say you probably need to take time to sit down, ask her how it makes her feel when she can't reach you or you don't return her calls rapidly and LISTEN to the answer. Don't chime in or feel that you have to defend yourself. Just listen. See if there is something behind what seems to be a sudden need for immediate contact. None of us here can guess why this is an issue for her. But in my own life and in my friends it usually comes up when one partner feels that he or she is always the one working by the other's schedule.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 It sounds to me like she's trying to SHARE things with you, and get a response. SOME response. She's having a bad day, her sister's giving birth...and instead of interrupting you with a phone call, she emails you so you can respond when you have a free second, but she doesn't even get a peep out of you until much later. After 6 months, you should be wanting to respond even if you're busy - even a short "that sucks, I'll rub your shoulders later!" or "Wow! Good news, congrats!" would suffice. She likely also wants you to share your life with her... it's not that she wants "contact" as much as "connection" and "communication." Unfortunately, it sounds as though that's too much for you to handle. "Busy" is a lame excuse. Perhaps you're just not in a position to be in a relationship right now, or at least not with her??
Author higherground5 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 If this is the case, and you do maintain habitual contact throughout the day, then please disregard my further comments.. This smarts of a controlling nature...are you her master or her boyfriend? WITH moderation? I can understand how she would feel inferior to that world you've created and so conveniently forgot to invite her inside of. She has been throwing out the rope and you have chosen not to grasp it. What else is left, in her opinion? Furthermore, what girl would want to spend time with a man who considers it a chore to just respond with anything, anything at all to let her know you are still thinking of her? ...but apparently not too busy to check the email in the first place, as magda pointed out. She is going to have a tough time understanding that one. How do you really feel about her? Because my overall feeling and opinion I get is that you consider her a chore with benefits. No, I'm really in love with her. Honestly. I think my perception was to act unavailable because I don't want to be at her beck and call all the time. It doesn't create the challenge. However, I guess there is only so much of this you can give a girl. I think that's an interesting statement about her testing me with responsiveness, translating into am i ready for the relationship to progress. I am without a doubt, and perhaps this was a mistake on my part. We did have a small argument over it because I told her she has to realize that I'm running around all day, which I am...I have a million emails to answer, and it's a very demanding job. Well, needless to say she kind of backed off by saying "i dont think im going to contact you anymore about meaningless things because i feel like im interrupting you." I told her not to worry about that and to send me email if she likes. The next day at work I sent her over an email in the morning. So I guess I'm trying to show her that she is a priority in my life. I agree though, I should do this in moderation and not overwhelm her. Was this a good move?
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