memtv Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hey all -- New here. This board seems helpful and I need some help. Listen -- here's the deal. Fiancee broke it off about two months ago. We have been together 5.5 years total and were engaged for 6 mos. I messed up. Details arent necessary but I ****ed up. It wasn't so much a physical thing as it was an emotional one. Anyway -- she found out and flipped out. I took blame from the beginning and have done everything she's asked. She even asked me to see a therapist and I did. She is now too. This girl is the love of my life. I have gotten a look at what my life will be without her and I can't stand for it. We had some issues but at the base of everything we really love each other. Our conversations since the break up have been good and bad. I feel like she is struggling with the idea of hanging it all up or taking me back. Recently she told me she "needed space" and to respect her wishes. So after weeks of letters and texts I went silent. Havent spoke to her in a week. What in the world can I do if she doesnt wanna hear from me? Getting her back and proving I am the man she was to marry is the utmost important thing in my life right now. What do I do? I read a lot about NC here but I dont wanna lose her. Any suggestions? Please.
shockandawed Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Memtv, Sorry to hear another heartache. It's no fun. The good news is you are in the right place. Many here are experiencing the same thing. I recently went through a breakup with a 3 year fiance. Trust me, she is asking space, give it to her. I finally did that and she breaks the NC about a week later. Of course I jump all over it but it does work. You have to give her the space and use the time to improve yourself and begin moving on. My ex came screaming because she noticed I changed the avatar next to my name on Yahoo IM. They do notice the littlest changes. Don't go overboard, but start doing things differently and for yourself and she will notice. And more importantly, you will begin healing. Hang in there and post all you need. It does help.
Author memtv Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 It's just that there are good days and bad. Tonight is pretty bad. I am lost -- I have no idea what to do without her. This NC is killing me. I mean how the hell can we reconcile if she won't speak. I don't want her to move on so quickly. I mean -- 5.5 years.....how do you split so cleanly after all that time and a 6 month engagement. This makes no sense at all...friggin none!
DyingHeart Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 After being together with my ex for 7 years and being engaged for 6 years, I know the pain you are feeling. The no contact thing does work. I know it's killing you because you want to talk to this person, but trust me, give her the space she needs. My fiance also told me he needed space. Had I found this site earlier, I would've not talked to him and we would be together now. Turns out I only pushed him away by trying to talk to him. He wouldn't mind talking to me, just not about the relationship, but me being stubborn, kept pushing it. Every now and then breaks the no contact and contacts me to see if I'm alright and little things like that. Maybe it's best if you just not contact her for a while and see what happens. Chances are, she could come back, if you don't push her. Then it could be over completely. We never really know, but just give her her time alone and see what comes of it. I'm still hurting like hell. My ex broke up with me in December, before Xmas. It's still very fresh and my heart and soul are hurting badly. But I do have to agree with most people on this site, each day does get easier, the pain will always be there, but it does get easier. So, be confident, get yourself back to normal, and try to find something else to occupy your time. I know, easier said than done. I'm still fighting it everyday. But, if you love her the way you do, then please respect her wishes. I found this out the hard way, so maybe you won't. Hang in there, and keep us posted on how you are doing and feeling. And if you get back together, even better, post that too Hugs Chrissi
shockandawed Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 It just sucks, I know all about the long evenings and fear she will forget about you. Trust me, it doesn't happen. I spent countless days worried about the same thing. At first, I called daily trying to resolve. Finally, I quit that, had a decent conversation with her about moving on. Then went a week and half with total n/c. Guess what, she broke. First, she sends three emails about daughter, but asks about my dating, when I fail to respond to the dating questions, she gets ticked and states she is getting married in June and logs off. Then today, she is very apologetic and admits that the grass isnt greener and names the specifics of things she misses about us. We aren't back, but today was a first in the month and half we have been broken up. They must see you moving on. Like I said, I just changed my Yahoo IM avatar. That little change triggered in her that I must have new chat buddies. You can do this, and we will help, keep posting.
Author memtv Posted January 28, 2007 Author Posted January 28, 2007 Ok so I followed everyone's advice with about two weeks of NC. Well it worked. She e-mailed me about putting all her itunes onto cds. I did and then texted her that they would be in the mailbox last night. I told her I would be out after ten so she could swing by without having to see me. Well then she called and said she was outside and asked if I wanted to see her. Of course I did. We spent an hour in the car talking. She says she owe's it to me to tell me that her mind and gut are made up....that we shouldnt be together. I asked "what about your heart?" Well she didnt have an answer for that. We talked about a lot of stuff well beyond the event that caused all this. Our relationship, how she felt I treated her and how she is seeing now that she made too many sacrifices for me. She says she felt trapped and doesn't know that she'd be happy. See now, I aint a bad guy but I admit bullying her around a lot when it came to where we'd live etc... I see that I wasn't very open to her thoughts....that I did override her a lot. But I KNOW all of this now and am willing to change all of it. I told her its not right that we erase 6 years without a second chance AFTER we both know what the problems are. She then told me these last two months have been torture for her and has considered many times taking me back....and, to a lesser extent now, still is. She then said she had to go. I replied "know that I love you like no other man can." I told her that while a tornado came through and blew away what he had built, that there was still a clean hard foundation of a deep and mutual love. She then touched my thigh -- took my hand in hers and told me she has a lot to think about still and that I should go out with my friends as planned last night.....I did. So...WTF? What do I do now? Any advice?
norajane Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 [she]told me she has a lot to think about still and that I should go out with my friends as planned last night..... I think she told you what to do - give her time and space to think, and continue living your own life as though she isn't coming back. You've said you recognize that you bullied her a bit and weren't open to her thoughts. Odds are, she's been thinking about your relationship as a whole during the last 5 years. She's considering whether there's more bad than good, and right now, she's thinking about everything that's been building up within her over the last 5 years, things that have made her unhappy. While you may see the issues and your part in them more clearly now, she's not ready to give your relationship another chance. If she decides to try again, you'll want to make sure you discuss all those issues in detail, and specifically discuss how you will deal with them. If you bullied her about where to live, how will you handle a similar situation in the future? What will you do if she wants to live in X and you want Y? How will you make a decision together, rather than both of you pushing for one or the other? If she doesn't come back, then you will have already had a head start on moving on without her.
Author memtv Posted January 29, 2007 Author Posted January 29, 2007 So do I go back to NC after she broke it this weekend?
DyingHeart Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 I would. My ex breaks no contact on occasion. Even though I'm happy as hell to hear from him, it still hurts, not knowing if he'll take me back or not. And I'm very tempted to ask. I know you want the same thing, but trust me, you will just push her away by trying to talk to her. Let her initiate the talking if you must hear from her. And try your hardest not to mention anything about the relationship. Sigh, it's really hard when you don't get the answers you need. Is it over or isn't it? And it's super hard when you know a person for so long and you think you really know them, and then you get....this. My ex knows how I feel, and I'm sure yours knows how you feel, so just go NC and see where it leads from there. Tough times. Hugs, Chrissi
Author memtv Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 So I was outta town for work this week. We havent spoke in about a week but tried calling me twice while I was on the road. I had some weird hours so she always called when I was sleeping but never left a message. Anyway -- got back today and as I was driving home I noticed her in front of me (we dont live together anymore but still live close.) She saw me behind her and sped away. Man did that hurt. Not 5 mins later I pulled in my garage -- as I was walking around the back of my car....guess who pulls up. I confronted her about speeding away from me and she admited as much. She says she doesnt know why she did it. Anyway -- we start talking and she kept referring to a conversation we need to have. She said "I have to give you the ring back." I got a little weepy but pulled myself together and told her that her that after two months of thinking about all this: her happiness is paramount to me. I want her to be happy and if that means without me....I'll let her go and step aside. It would be the most selfless thing I've ever done and every bone in my body is telling me it aint right --- but for you I said, I'll do it. She didnt say anything for a minute. Then we proceeded to have a great light hearted conversation about how things were going. We joked -- we laughed. It was awesome. Her smile is healing. Eventually she had to go and asked when we could have the aforementioned conversation. I told her next Friday would be good. So....WTF!!!!! What in the world does this mean. She is stern, mopey and terse one minute, then after I tell her I would let her go for her to be happy, she is all in a great mood. ??????????????????????????????????????
Star Gazer Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 So....WTF!!!!! What in the world does this mean. She is stern, mopey and terse one minute, then after I tell her I would let her go for her to be happy, she is all in a great mood. ?????????????????????????????????????? You're saying you're going to let her go, so she's relieved of her struggle in leaving and free of the guilt in breaking your heart.
Author memtv Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 No -- I dont get a sense that's it.
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