borneveryday Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hi there, I want to take my seven year old to my 20 week scan. I have a healthy pregnancy and I think it will be a nice bonding experience for her with the new baby and make her feel involved (especially as I am no longer with her father). I also know she will find it interesting and educational. She is REALLY excited. BUT my partner, her step dad, who is currently away on business for a few months, says it is a "stupid" idea and is really angry about it. He said it is me acting like a 'typical single mum' and trying to be her 'buddy'. He also complained about me spending money using the car to take her there, then when I said I was getting the train he said that it was ridiculous taking her out of school for it. When I told him the principle thought it was a great idea, he got really angry and we had to end the conversation completely. I don't get it!! Please give me honest opinions? I am curious as to what objective observers think.... Is it a stupid idea?
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I think it's a great idea! I'm sure it will make her feel special and included. Sorry, but your partner sounds like an ass. Why would he get angry? Is he feeling excluded? Is he always this controlling?
Author borneveryday Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 I think it's a great idea! I'm sure it will make her feel special and included. Sorry, but your partner sounds like an ass. Why would he get angry? Is he feeling excluded? Is he always this controlling? Do you think it is about control? I am totally flumoxed! To be honest he has seemed increasingly controlling in other ways lately. I worried he felt excluded so tried to reassure him that of course if he was here, he would come, as he has to the others, bu he's not and I think it's a great idea too!
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 He said it is me acting like a 'typical single mum' and trying to be her 'buddy'. Attempt to control your behavior with your daughter by criticizing your parenting. He also complained about me spending money using the car to take her there,Attempt to control you financially by making you feel guilty for spending it then when I said I was getting the train he said that it was ridiculous taking her out of school for it.Attempt to control your behavior with your daughter by making you feel guilty for taking her out of school; and he's indirectly criticizing your parenting. When I told him the principle thought it was a great idea, he got really angry and we had to end the conversation completely.Attempt to control your behavior by showing his anger and displeasure. You pushed back on all his attempt to control you, so he tried to intimidate you. I don't get it!!So, yes, I do think it's about control. I mean, I could be wrong. But that's what I see.
Ariadne Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I want to take my seven year old to my 20 week scan. I have a healthy pregnancy and I think it will be a nice bonding experience for her with the new baby and make her feel involved Well, I had my brother when I was 6 years old and I hated everything about the stupid brother. But that was just me... Not sure if that after losing her father she'd be so "interested" in seeing doctor scans. I'd say she's excited to be pleasing you by going there, but much rather stay in school. (Even I feak out at hospitals and scans, let alone a 7 year old). If it was me I'd say, yeah, seems like the baby is fine or some... and not make such a big fuss take-her-out-of-school for that, she might start feeling jealous of the "special bro" already. Ariadne
Storyrider Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 We brought our four year old to one of these scans, the one where they can tell you the baby's gender. (I can't remember now if its the 20 week b/c it was a few years ago.) She jumped up and down and cheered when she learned she was having a sister rather than a brother but didn't pay much attention other than that. I think she did feel some pride at being included, however, which is valuable. We probably wouldn't have pulled her out of school for it though. At our house it has to be hell or high water to miss school.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 i think it is a wonderful idea too. My little sister was born when i was 7, and my mother took my older sister and i with her to the OBGyn..... it was great! we got to watch the internal growth of our little sister, as well as the obviouse external. i think my mother had to do more because she had no other choice but to take us, but i really appriciated it!
Asafan Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Holy cow your partner is definitely an ass! My wife and I took my (then) 4 year old step son to many of his brother's sonogram appointments and he loved it! It is absolutely a great idea and there is nothing "stupid" about it. Norjane has nailed it on the head with her assessment. I don't know if you are married to this fella or what, but be careful. Maybe he is jealous of something. Is he also going to be at the appointment? Maybe he is harboring some type of resentment toward the step child or your bond with her? Something is definitely up.
Lostgurl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I think it's a wonderful idea to take your daughter to the ultrasound. I'm sure that it will heighten her excitement for the arrival of her new baby brother or sister. If i were you, i would do it regardless of what your partner says, what's his problem anyway? Is he having a bad day or something? He should understand how important this ultrasound is to you and your whole little family. Money spent on gas, an afternoon of missed school is little in comparison, for you and your daughter to see the miracle inside you.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Yes, if your daughter is excited and interested take her. (And take the damn car, too!) The formation of another life is very educational and while school is very important to me, this a true life experience form of education. I think that girls may find it more interesting than boys because a girl will likely experience pregnancy in her life. Seeing this procedure will be something she will remember at a time when she may be scared or concerned about how this works in the future. I took both of my children to my ultrasound appointment when I already knew that my baby had a polycystic kidney (meaning one didn't form and was a bunch of cysts.) My kids were 10 (boy) and 7 (girl) at the time and both were mesmerized with what they saw. For the record that baby ultimately died in utero, and I still have no regrets about my children having this experience. It helped them to understand that while he was a living being he also had medical issues and died. Miscarriage, stillbirth and death are parts of life and they do not feel scarred by the experience of seeing that baby alive. This is another example of him belittling you. Does he ever support choices you make? Is his opinion the only one that counts? While I think he has some say so in the upbringing of your daughter, she is ultimately YOUR daughter. This baby will be a big part of her life and she deserves to be a part of everything if she is interested and inclined to do so. Involving her in every aspect will strengthen her love for her sibling. A 7 year old can be of great assistance to you during the times when your husband is out of the country working. She can be a huge help simply by using her ears, thus allowing you to shower, use the bathroom, etc. My kids fed the baby, changed the baby, and eventually babysat a preschooler. I didn't make them feel that it was their obligation, but they wanted to participate and they developed a strong bond and lots of love for their sibling as a result of being such a big part of her life. They are far more prepared for parenthood in the caring for an infant aspect than I ever was. I had to learn the hard way that my partner may come and go, but my kids are a permanent part of my life. In many ways, your husbands long absences do make you a single mother for extended periods of time. This will only strengthen the bond between you and your daughter. Good luck with your scan, I hope all is well with your little one.
Lacy-May Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 He said it is me acting like a 'typical single mum' and trying to be her 'buddy'. It might be that the step father is a little jealous of your relationship with your daughter. I know this sounds far fetched but believe me it is possible. Anyhow, I think it is a very good idea to take your daughter with you. I am assuming that this child will be the step brother / sister to your daughter so it certainly wouldn't do her any harm to feel included throughout. She will feel proud that you are treating her as mature enough to attend with you and I am sure it will create a better bond between her and the "new baby" when he appears. I think this is definitely one of those "put your foot down girl" situations. If your H is gonna be an ass about this then its his tough luck. This is between you and your daughter.
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