GULP...have I made a wrong turn???

[borneveryday]

OK, bear with me. I need some input as I feel like I am going to become depressed, but this will take a minute to describe!

 

I have this sinking feeling that I may have taken a 'wrong turn' in life and be 'barking up the wrong tree'.

 

To cut a long story, I wanted to act, went to drama school, had a boyfriend who used to knock me about a bit and then managed to get rid of him, then started work in TV, but just as my career was taking off got pregnant for a real idiot that I had no intention of getting serious with (it was purely recreational, but I got a bit slack and didn't use protection - totally my own doing). I had the baby and I'm so glad I did as she is the most lovely person ever and I adore being her mum.

 

I then met a guy who seemed different to both previous partners (both had been alcoholics). He is successful financially, focused, determined and intelligent, well educated, interesting and fun...but I also find him incredibly difficult, unreasonable and he can be a bully. It just depends what mood he is in - and it seems to depend on how well he considers me to be 'performing my duties'. Kind of 'performance related pay'.

 

I managed to build up my career a bit again once my child turned two, but then we decided to move abroad. It was his idea, but I was up for it. NOW reality sets in. I am living in a country where I have hardly any friends, no family and I am pregnant (planned) for my partner. He has gone back to work where we came from originally for a few months, as he did last year for seven months, saying that we need the money to survive.

 

My job is to manage the bills, cook and wash up, deal with rubbish etc. and he would like me to keep the house clean entirely, but I work full time (longer hours than him sometimes) and I am really trying but find it hard. Last year when he was away I felt I was working hard and doing lots, I organised new drains at the front, new windows a new porch, showed tenants round his properties, cleaned them, plus working a full time TV job with long hours and of course taking care of my daughter, but he said I was just a house sitter and not pulling my weight. This was because I was not sending him regular enough financial updates. I was really hurt.

 

There's too much to tell! BUt I'm pregnant and scared that once I'm not working things will get even worse, expectations will get higher and however hard I try - things will just rot. It is bad enough when I bring home less money than him. My salary is average but he says it's 'nothing'.

 

I love him and am trying not to be a miserable cow, but I feel soooo lonely out here. I also feel upset as he gets angry about weird stuff like the fact that I want to take my daughter to see the next scan.

 

Basically I am afraid that I have made a big mistake - but it's a bit late now!! I feel like I work around his moods all the time - if he's happy, its fine, if he's not, its all doom and gloom and I am getting really down because I don't have my mates here to boost me up. I also worry about what I put my child through hearing the rows and how things will be with the new baby considering we seem to think so differently.

 

I'm not a wimp and I do stick up for myself and try and be firm but fair, but everything leads to rows regardless.

 

I am at a loss. Am I wanting too much? or not enough? He can also be very loving. Am I insane for having made the choices I have?? What is wrong with me?? All I want is a happy, stable family as a base to live a fulfilling creative life. But it seems to be way out of my reach.

 

Yours in Misery - B.E.D.

[princesspeaches]

you may not have even realized but you have answered your own questions in a way. If you are scared, and you are that miserable you should leave and go back to your family. Things will only get worse. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love, but you have two children to think about. Do you really want to subject them to a father like that? I have a verbally abusive father, I'd rather have no father than to have him say half the things he says to me. If I were you I'd move out and home with my family while he was away working. Side thought, Why can't he work where he moved you? Is there a reason?

[dropdeadlegs]

Because I have done it already, I wouldn't stay with a man who makes me miserable again under any circumstances. Just the arguing will take a healthy toll on your children.

 

You must be exhausted working full time, maintaining your home and property alone much of the time, and raising a child as well.

 

He does well financially? He can pay child support for the one on the way. If your daughters father does not pay support, make him.

 

I would move back to where you came from where you WILL have support from family and friends. Now you don't even have support (emotional) from him.

 

It is never too late to change the course you have chosen and become the captain of your own vessel. It may not be easy, but will be worthwhile and the sooner done the better.

[borneveryday]

Thanks for the responses. I really feel lie I am losing it out here!

 

He works there sometimes because he earns a lot more over there.

 

I know what you are saying is true, but it's really hard. I don't feel like I have the support to make a massive change out here, but if I go home to family I know I will feel like I'm going backwards and get depressed.

 

It's so hard to know when's enough and whether people will evolve isn't it??

 

My big question is: what is wrong with me?? How have I got myself in this situation at all?? I don't think I'm thick...

[dropdeadlegs]

He works there sometimes because he earns a lot more over there.

What cause the move abroad in the first place if earnings potential was better where you were?

[borneveryday]

Supposedly it was a better lifestyle from his point of view. For me it was the change, the adventure and obviously - love.

 

I think I am going to go and see someone, like a counsellor or something as this feels like too tight a knot to untangle on my own and I'm not feeling very strong.

 

The last thing I want to do is mess up my children by making them witness to an unhealthy set up, but at the same time, I am afraid that I am expecting too much, that relationships are always work, so I should work with this one.

 

 

I don't know how people get it right!! It's so blooming complicated!!

[dropdeadlegs]

I think a counselor is a good idea. It's always a good idea to get an emotional checkup. You have experienced a lot of change sand have an additional child coming soon which will bring a new set of complexities.

 

Your past relationships seem to not have been very good ones. You mentioned two alcoholics. I'm not trying to pass judgment, and it took me a long time to realize this, but if a relationship requires what you call work it may not be right for you. The people who get it right may be better matched from the beginning. Maybe what you are calling work I am considering to be compromise. No two people will always agree, but it they can get resolution in a healthy way it doesn't feel like work at all. Conflict resolution should not involve bullying and putting down your partner about pulling their weight. You were pulling a far heavier load of "weight" than he was in my opinion. I think he should have been proud of all you managed while he was away. All he had to do was work. You worked, tended to a child, managed a home and multiple properties and coordinated repairs, and paid all the bills. You had far more balls in this juggling act and not dropping them deserves recognition, not a slap on the wrist for not pulling your weight. If he wants to be in the know about all financial matters, maybe he should have the responsibility of handling the finances. That would be one less thing to worry you.

 

I think if someone belittles you and your efforts, you can expect a lot more of that in the future. Bullies don't really stop bullying, they just get bigger begin bullying grownups.

 

You may need some counseling, but I think he needs it even more.

[borneveryday]

Actually I completely agree with you. I think he does need counselling. He had a really really tough upbringing and i don't think it has done him ANY favours. I have suggested it to him, but he won't go for it. He did go once tho - we split for a while and he managed an amazing turnaround...but not for long enough.

 

I have chosen a really difficult person, but maybe part of the problem is that I am changing and don't want to deal with so much any more. And I guess I know him a lot better. I really think he needs help - I can't 'love him better' - he needs a professional. He was a bully when he was a teen and he's still got a mean streak. I tell him, but he says I am playing victim.

 

I made an appointment with a counsellor for tomorrow so at least I will be able to let some of this out properly. Thank you so much for your posts - you have no idea how much it has helped me to feel like there's someone out there hearing me!!

 

I don't think you're making any unreasonable judgements either. I had two really hard relationships. I think I attracted addicts on one level and also was attracted to poeple who seemed to 'need me' on another. I did have one lovely boyfriend once tho!!

 

To be fair - my partner now can be lovely. But it's his inconsistency and dual personality that I have issues with.

 

Thanks for what you said about when he was away...it is good to get an objective outsiders input.

[dropdeadlegs]

I spent years attracting or subconsciously looking for "damaged" people. I'm not really sure if it was because being with someone even worse off emotionally than me made me feel better about myself, or if I have some kind of complex that is nurturing and wants to take in all obviously bewildered strays and somehow "fix" them by loving them so much.

 

Either way, it didn't work. For me or for them.

 

Good luck with your counseling appt. I think that is a big step in making changes. Don't be afraid to be completely honest, give all the facts. Those people have seen everything and your issues are pretty benign compared to the big baggage some have. I know I have had a hard time being totally truthful in counseling because I was embarrassed to admit things that even I felt foolish for accepting. But then again, shame was a big part of my problems. Be honest and you will have better resolution in a shorter time. Take care!

[borneveryday]

You'll be pleased to know that I was scarily honest adn used all my favourite swearwords as well. I am not prepared to censor myself when I'm paying by the hour!! and she was really nice, I felt comfortable. It was a lot of talking and my throat hurt a bit....but I have a good feeling about it. I just wish it was free!!!

 

[dropdeadlegs]

The most important things in life are often not free, but they are priceless. You get what you pay for. I'm glad you felt comfortable. Never censor yourself in therapy, we have to do that enough everywhere else!

 

I really hope this will help you and I'm so glad you are doing it. there's a lot of "try therapy/counseling" spoken on these boards and you said you would and did. Now THAT'S different!