Author guin_girl Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 Thank you both DDL and Arianna... I am so glad that I signed on here... I appreciate just being able to vent/commiserate... it's just so nice to be able to "dwell" on things without people thinking you are a fruit loop... my coworkers, all male, have been amazing as well, but it's the long nights at home alone that are hardest!!
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Well right now I guess it doesn't matter what I want to do, or am thinking about doing. I haven't heard from him today... 4th day with no call. But I'm not going to break down and call. I'm not sure what's going on, it's not like we "broke up", but I guess he needs his space... this sucks... I had my bible study tonight, so that did help and we did a lot of praying on strength and direction for me. Sigh I need strength
dropdeadlegs Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I'm sorry he is disappointing you. I can see how being called everyday and then the calls start to be further and further apart is upsetting to you. I'm curious. I reread the whole thread of posts and I am wondering if you emailed him back after he canceled for the weekend, and also if he mentioned why he wasn't going. Knowing that may help me in helping you. I know that four days can feel like four months.
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Thanks for your support DDL... I'm sure I'm driving you as nuts as I'm driving myself! I did not respond to the email about the cancellation. his email said "I’m not going to the parade this weekend. Just wanted to let you know. I am going through boxes and boxes of paperwork and stuff to get rid of. I really have to get the room and closets situated." I didn't know really what to say in response to it. We are supposed to watch the superbowl together the following weekend, so I just figured he needed a weekend to himself. We have spent every weekend since Christmas together. 2 hours later he did send me another email about our college football team's schedule and I responded in agreement about one of his observations. I did not mention anything about the cancellation in that email though. He's done this "hibernation/cancellation" thing before. He did it on New Year's Eve, yet we had a great time on New Years Day... spent the whole day/night together with his friends. I believe it was that night that he opened up about a relationship with me and how much he does like me and that he wished he could have just met me at a better time in his life. He said he wanted to see where this goes... I really am surprised that he hasn't called... this is really not the way it has been. It's not like I have done anything to upset him. I was not upset about the cancellation, I just let it be. And I did respond to his other email, because I am the sports chick... and I had already had issues with the school schedule... and it was nice to see we were in agreement.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Driving me nuts? No way! I wish I had the support of anonymous cyberfriends when I was in a situation that called for some support. New Years Eve has a lot of pressure associated with it so I can understand his inability to participate in it. But I'm glad that you spent New Years Day together and had a good time. He seems to be being very honest with you and that is far better than the lie your previous BF led. Divorce is hard, even when you initiate it as I have. There is a grieving process similar to death and you go through many emotions. It wasn't until I got mad that I could move on. I honestly believe men take divorce harder. It feels like a failure to both parties no matter what the circumstances, and failure doesn't feel good to anyone. Was his wife shipped in from the hometown? You know, I won't blame you if you call him after four days of silence. But if you do, you have to be prepared for either outcome. It will make you feel better or make you feel worse. That's a coin toss of chances. Either way, calling or not, I will support the outcome!
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Thank you so much for reading my ramblings again DDL. He seems to be being very honest with you and that is far better than the lie your previous BF led. Yes, he has been very honest about everything, and sometimes it hurts, but I do appreciate it. And I know the mediation threw him for a loop on Monday, he said Sunday morning that it was too surreal to him now. The Saturday before I had a face2face about how sometimes he hurts my feelings with his abruptness, but that I know it's because of the stress he is under. He admitted that he was not aware that he did that, it wasn't his intention to hurt me and he would try to be more cognizant of it. So on Sunday when he woke up he said he probably wouldn't be any company because he was getting worried about the proceedings. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said not yet... I was there to watch the playoff games, I stayed for the first one and left during the second one to give him space. When I was leaving he was so sweet, kept holding me and hugging me, thanking me for being there for him. I think that's why I haven't heard from him, he's probably reeling from the finalization and isn't in a good mood so doesn't want to take it out on me, as we discussed. He did call on Monday night to tell me how the mediation went. He said it really hadn't sunk in when I asked how he felt. Was his wife shipped in from the hometown? LOL... Yes, she was "shipped" down from his hometown... And she shipped herself back. They have not had any contact since 4th of July weekend I believe. You know, I won't blame you if you call him after four days of silence. But if you do, you have to be prepared for either outcome. It will make you feel better or make you feel worse. Either way, calling or not, I will support the outcome! It's just 4 days of no call. We had one email exchange on Tuesday and another on Wednesday, the cancellation, with the follow up inane one both precipitated by him. But we are talking one liners here, he hates email, IM and texting. He's completely a phone guy. As much as I want to hear his voice and talk to him, I would so much prefer he to be the one calling me. I have to let him take the lead, "forcing" myself on him is not the answer. and if I don't call, I can't say the wrong thing. I don't want to do the whiny, why haven't you called me bit... But I might send a "how ya doing" email on Monday if I don't hear from him. But then again, if I don't hear from him by then, I guess he's made a decision about me that he doesn't want to vocalize? Sigh Still not strong enough...
dgiirl Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 But then again, if I don't hear from him by then, I guess he's made a decision about me that he doesn't want to vocalize? To be honest, from your last post, I havent seen ANYthing to suggest he's being flaky. I think your insecurities are getting in the way and you are letting yourself get paranoid. It's only been 4 days since he hasnt contacted AND he's been really busy, and YOU havent called HIM. You're playing the "phone game" with him, counting the days between you can call, etc, and I bet you any money he's not even thinking anything of it. He's busy, and yet he's taking time out to tell you he wont be able to make it. If you are going to play the phone game, then dont get paranoid while waiting. Relax, go out and enjoy yourself with other things, and if he calls, great, if not, c'est la vie. But what will you accomplish by sitting by the phone, thinking all these reasons of him not being that into you because he hasnt called yet? And when he does call, then you get this temporary fix to your insecurities, only until the next 4 days.
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 thanks... I know a lot of this is in my head... I have admitted I have insecurities... a lot of my past experiences with men have been less than positive. Technically I'm not sitting by the phone and have kept busy, but that stupid cell phone does go with you everywhere so you always know he's not calling. And before anyone suggests it, I can't turn it off, my parents have both been sick (cancer and heart) and I need to always be available, we are a close family. But you are right, I'm sure it hasn't crossed his mind... and I have told him that I will let him have his space and set the pace so to give him the time that he needs. so it's not really a game in the true sense...
dgiirl Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 thanks... I know a lot of this is in my head... I have admitted I have insecurities... a lot of my past experiences with men have been less than positive. Technically I'm not sitting by the phone and have kept busy, but that stupid cell phone does go with you everywhere so you always know he's not calling. And before anyone suggests it, I can't turn it off, my parents have both been sick (cancer and heart) and I need to always be available, we are a close family. But you are right, I'm sure it hasn't crossed his mind... and I have told him that I will let him have his space and set the pace so to give him the time that he needs. so it's not really a game in the true sense... It doesnt matter if you're technically sitting next to the phone or not. You are still preoccupied with the thought of him not calling If you are willing to let him have his space and set the pace, then do so That means in your HEAD too. I suffer from insecurities and anxieties too. But if you want a really healthy positive relationship, you need to fix these insecurities. Your insecurities are setting you up to attract negative people who will take advantage of those insecurities and setting you up to ruin potentially good relationships because "healthy" people get sick and tired of having to fix other people's problems. If you truely do want a good healthy relationship, you need to put in the work to have one. You cant expect other's to do the work for you by accomodating to your insecurities and constantly giving you reassurances. Instead, work on eliminating those insecurities and giving yourself the reassurances you need. Once you are good with yourself, you will be able to handle ANY situation that happens, good or bad, without letting it destroy your confidence in yourself.
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Ok, so I did break down and send him an email saying hi, how ya doing, and a music rumor tidbit.... He wrote back literally in one minute's time on his take about the music rumor, ignoring the "how ya doing" portion. But I think it's good that he was so quick to respond. and while I was writing this, he sent another email... the debate rebuttal is continuing... I think I will start a thread about it, seems to be a passionate one. this is good, right?
Arianna72 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 Definetly good... I just want to add that I understand it would be ideal to just let go of insecurities.. but that is of course always much easier said than done. It doesn't seem to me like you are letting them effect your interactions with him so that is a good thing.
SummerRae Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 You know that this could go either way, but you still know better on which direction to place your bets with your own heart. As long as you expect the highs from excitement to be highs, and the lows of disappointment to be lows, and can keep your head with either outcome, you are going to fare just fine no matter how this unfolds. I don't feel a lot of spark very often either, so I invest when I do. I try with each experience to take away a little bit of knowledge so I don't repeat things I felt were mistakes for me. With every relationship I have more of a defined sense of what and who is right for me. That's usually good enough, once I get past the initial pain involved with each lost love. Holding our emotions in check is easier said than done, here they can be released without much damage to our lives. And sometimes we learn something about ourselves! So true!! Thanks for your wise words. I completely agree. And I see where you are coming from guin_gurl! A COUPLE OF REALIZATIONS ABOUT MY OWN LIFE THAT MAY ASSIST? *I realized recently that I am a relationship addict. Not that I go from one relationship to another--but that when I find that euphoric element of chemistry w/ someone, I so often lose myself in the process. Does this sound familiar? Do you go to sleep thinking of him and rise thinking of him too? Do you read all sorts of things into what he says/does/writes about what he could/would/may be feeling about YOU? I know I do... wayyyy too often, I might add. I am trying my utmost best not to make that mistake again and again. How? Well, with this most recent "dating-potentially-to-become-a-relationship" I have been holding back bigtime on the amount I share (over time, I will share as I grow to trust him more and more). I've been resisting the urge to contact him every two days and making it last as long as possible, keeping very busy with my own life. This has helped me keep tremendous perspective. For instance, each time he texts, I resist the urge to text back right away. This may sound small, but it's actually helped me to feel more in control, confident and as though "I had a life before him, I'll continue to have one w/ or w/out him too..." The effect? The effect, besides me feeling MUCH better about myself, has been that he is calling more and more and requesting to see me more and more. And I feel as though I still have my composure, my sense of self and I am less inclined to "rush into it", regardless of how much chemistry there is between us. The way I look at it, we all have multiple people in the world that we could have amazing chemistry with. Yes, they don't come along all the time, but they always do. I truly believe that the more work we do on our Selves, the better the potential of having an amazing relationship becomes. Best of luck to you Hun.
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 Thanks SummerRae, I appreciate your insight. Do you go to sleep thinking of him and rise thinking of him too? Do you read all sorts of things into what he says/does/writes about what he could/would/may be feeling about YOU? Well I over analyze everything... not just about him, but about everything... but right now, yes, I obviously have been thinking too much about him. hence being on here... this was a new way of not driving myself insane. Our main point of contact has been via phone, he's one of those odd balls that hates technology... which in itself is rather amusing being my job, school and hobbies are centered around computers. And because he doesn't have a cell, it's not a matter of catching him anytime... makes it a little harder. on the plus side, out of the blue today, an old "prospect" sent me a text message... haven't heard from him since before I met this guy... although I haven't made a connection with him as of yet, nice to know that someone thought of me... that's always a nice boost...
dropdeadlegs Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I truly believe that the more work we do on our Selves, the better the potential of having an amazing relationship becomes. -SummerRae Amen to that. I also recognize a lot of myself in your entire post. In the past I have completely lost myself, had no life other than my life with my partner. I was one to move in with or get married quickly. It takes a good year to get to know someone and another good year to REALLY know them. I was moving way to fast hinging all my expectations on the lustful euphoric feelings experienced with NEW love. That fades. I'm still not where I want to be, but I am maintaining my previous friendships instead of switching over to his friends. If he is unable to attend an event (and vice versa) we go alone. I never would have done that in the past. I don't wig out if I don't speak to him for a day, and he generally calls me, and at least twice daily. When we are apart (often since we don't live together after two years) I don't feel lonely and consumed with thoughts about him. I do what needs to be done and do things he wouldn't be interested in or things that require solitude, like reading, crossword puzzles, etc. Then when we are together I can fully enjoy just being with him. guin_girl, I agree that he isn't even thinking about the number of times of communication or lack of. It's hard to think like a man, and mine is a way bigger phone person than I am, but I think most talk when they have something to say more than for chitchat. I still think that the communication you did have via email is positive. This relationship may require months of baby steps, but until he states that he doesn't want to be with you, assume he does. A teenager might just go away, but based on what I know from these posts he definitely sounds like a true grownup. I think he knows where your head and heart are and will at the very least make an effort to take care of those. Keep posting when you feel insecure. I know that I would be just to keep my insanity away from him and to myself! I think you are doing a great job of not letting them affect your communications, too. Hang in there!:)
Author guin_girl Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 guin_girl, I agree that he isn't even thinking about the number of times of communication or lack of. It's hard to think like a man, and mine is a way bigger phone person than I am, but I think most talk when they have something to say more than for chitchat. I still think that the communication you did have via email is positive. This relationship may require months of baby steps, but until he states that he doesn't want to be with you, assume he does. A teenager might just go away, but based on what I know from these posts he definitely sounds like a true grownup. I think he knows where your head and heart are and will at the very least make an effort to take care of those. He just called, but after one ring, he hung up... now my phone shows a missed call but no voice mail... It's killing me to not call him back... I don't know why he did that... he has to dial each number, so it's not like he grabbed the wrong number... and at one ring, there's not enough time for someone else to call through... I know I shouldn't call back... cause I suppose he could have not meant to call me..... but ARGH....
dropdeadlegs Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Maybe he was receiving a call at that moment and hung up when caller ID showed up? Since you have a missed call, you could possibly have no idea how many times it rang, and call and say I see you called, I'm calling you back. I would do that after a few minutes. You could have been on your phone and didn't hear the other line ringing in, yet saw the missed call! That confused you. "Hey, I was on the phone and didn't hear the signal indicating another call, but when I hung up, it showed a missed call from you." I'm the queen of believable stories designed to initiate contact, but if you want to wait for him to call, then wait for him to call.
Author guin_girl Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 Maybe he was receiving a call at that moment and hung up when caller ID showed up? Since you have a missed call, you could possibly have no idea how many times it rang, and call and say I see you called, I'm calling you back. I would do that after a few minutes. You could have been on your phone and didn't hear the other line ringing in, yet saw the missed call! That confused you. "Hey, I was on the phone and didn't hear the signal indicating another call, but when I hung up, it showed a missed call from you." I'm the queen of believable stories designed to initiate contact, but if you want to wait for him to call, then wait for him to call. Well that sucked... I call and he doesn't answer... just left a voice mail that said "I just saw you called and thought I would call you back. Hope everything is going good, talk to you later, bye." So now I know he never really meant to call me... OUCH... this sucks
dropdeadlegs Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 Well that sucked... I call and he doesn't answer... just left a voice mail that said "I just saw you called and thought I would call you back. Hope everything is going good, talk to you later, bye." So now I know he never really meant to call me... OUCH... this sucks No you don't! He may have been interrupted while calling you and had to leave suddenly! Don't assume the worst, it could easily be something totally different. He could have stepped into the shower, anything. I know it's hard and I react the way you do, so I'm not fussing at you or passing judgment. It's just easier to see that things are not always some sort of bad news or omen when not directly involved. I'm sorry my suggestion only left you feeling worse, that certainly wasn't my intention. Please don't interpret his not answering as bad. Not yet. It's not over til the fat lady sings!
SummerRae Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 No you don't! He may have been interrupted while calling you and had to leave suddenly! Don't assume the worst, it could easily be something totally different. He could have stepped into the shower, anything. I know it's hard and I react the way you do, so I'm not fussing at you or passing judgment. It's just easier to see that things are not always some sort of bad news or omen when not directly involved. I'm sorry my suggestion only left you feeling worse, that certainly wasn't my intention. Please don't interpret his not answering as bad. Not yet. It's not over til the fat lady sings! DDL, you're hilarious!! (Sorry GG... don't mean to laugh!! I am the same way as you in terms of "thinking too much" about these things.) But, hun, I have to say: YOU HAVE GOT TO GAIN SOME PERSPECTIVE ON THIS. I'm not saying this to sound harsh, it's just that you are taking what he's doing/not doing and assuming the worse possible senario. Not only is this hard on YOU, this creates a sort of panic in you that takes away ALL your smooth, suave coolness when you do talk to him... (or at least makes you feel that way...) You have got to KNOW and FEEL that you are a great catch and whether or NOT this guy realizes that or not, is not the issue. You have to know your worth. Trust me, after 27++++ years I am finally learning this!! I don't even think age means we ever truly 'get it'--when we are thinking women, somewhere along the line, we usually resort back to old patterns: THINKING... I think (pardon the pun) it is precisely this thinking that gets us into trouble in the first place--and it's facking agonizing to say the least. I'm telling you this because I see a lot of ME in your posts and I don't want you to torture yourself the way I have!! Please just chalk it up to "you don't know exactly what happened other than he called, let it ring once and hung up." ANYTHING could have happened. He could have left something on the stove that was burning and suddenly realized the house almost burned down. He could have thought "oh, no, I don't know what to say to her right now, I'll call her later." His neighbour could have knocked on the door. Ok, right now, you're probably thinking "what is the likelihood of any of what I just wrote"?? THAT is precisely my point. Assume the BEST case, not the worst.
Author guin_girl Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 well I left a VM at 7PM and here it is after 2AM... there was nothing that important that he couldn't return a call... I have that sinking feeling that he meant to call someone else and called my number accidentally and thought "Oh ****". I'm sure that when I called and left a VM that I saw he called he was even more like damn, busted... I don't understand why he would do this, I guess he isn't the nice guy that he's been portraying... but I should be used to elaborate facades... the last "boyfriend" apparently wasn't the single guy he said he was... man this hurts so bad...
Arianna72 Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 I am really sorry he hasn't called you back You sound so much like me in some ways, please don't let this stress you out and I would really try not to make any judgements just yet. I know I do that and if they prove to be wrong I always feel horrible and if they prove to be right it is just another way to beat myself up and believe that all men are gonna end up being horrible. From all I have read about your situation I am guessing he will at some point at least call you to let you know what is up. Until then.... Take care of yourself and though I know it is near impossible at times try not to stress yourself out to much I tried to send you a PM about this lovely story I posted on my LiveJournal site but it says you can't get PM's
dropdeadlegs Posted January 27, 2007 Posted January 27, 2007 It doesn't happen often, but I'm at a loss for words. MY LS evening has been too emotionally draining. It happens sometimes when you are addicted to LS highs, and then have a day where the highs are pretty low. I'm all out of good thoughts perhaps. Nothing good has come from today. I'm getting to the point where I want to come shake him into an altered state of reality. Your reality. Because I want you to have what you want and be happy. What's wrong with that? Nothing, absolutely nothing. No, I'm not drunk, but I wish I was.
Author guin_girl Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 It doesn't happen often, but I'm at a loss for words. MY LS evening has been too emotionally draining. It happens sometimes when you are addicted to LS highs, and then have a day where the highs are pretty low. I'm all out of good thoughts perhaps. Nothing good has come from today. I'm getting to the point where I want to come shake him into an altered state of reality. Your reality. Because I want you to have what you want and be happy. What's wrong with that? Nothing, absolutely nothing. No, I'm not drunk, but I wish I was. Thanks DDL... I’m at a loss myself... but in looking for the positive, I have a couple: 1. I’m so glad that I did go out last night. I did have a couple guys try to pick me up, my bar girls are amused by that because in the 8-10 years I have been going there, I haven’t dated a single guy from there... I will not mess up my bar, it’s my safe haven. But I can’t say that the attention wasn’t exactly what I needed at the time!! 2. I think the timing of an old friend reappearing last night in my life, who I also met in the midst of a divorce, is the sign from God that I have been praying for. Not that “he’s” the guy but that this guy was also a confused mess and he just disappeared on me at the same time I met this new one. Now all of a sudden months later, his recovery is stronger and he's popped back into my life and it was so easy to banter with him like there wasn't a skip in contact. Him coming back into my life may be to show me that if I just let go that this new guy and I may get to the same level a couple months down the road. 3. I made the decision to forgo the "hope" of watching the superbowl with him and his friends, I have my reservation at my sports bar in my "seat of honor" and I'm glad that I made this decision. This is actually pretty big for me, so I'm giving myself a high five. Now I’m just hoping that new guy will find it in his heart to make a graceful exit if he must and not do the disappearing act like so many of these guys do. (I actually had a guy that I dated on and off for 6 years. One night we were supposed to go out on a date, well he didn't show up for the date or call EVER. 3 years later I run into him, of course I was WTF... his answer, I didn't want to see you cry, so it was just easier to walk away. and I wonder why I have issues?) Anyway, man up... give us a chance to be able to reconnect without any resentment in the future. But of course if he plays this phone game (why are we still playing this game in this stage of our life... it’s not HS!!), he’s not even giving ME a chance to make the big step for us...
Author guin_girl Posted January 27, 2007 Author Posted January 27, 2007 although I still feel somewhat good like my previous post... now I'm sitting here upset because I know for sure now that he never really meant to call me... and I guess I now know he doesn't want to talk to me... I think I got that message before the mystery call/hang up... And of course this is supposed to be the day that he canceled on me so he could stay home to "clean up his closets and paperwork".... I'm so not buying that excuse now) but if he is he's heard the message and ignored it... grrrr... I'm mad at him for being a buttmunch and I'm mad at me for caring and obsessing over it...
Am4Real Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I just want you to be careful with your feelings. A divorce is such a precarious time....so many unresolved issues of anger, pain, feelings of failure, coming to terms with the fact that someone you once loved is a totally different person than what you believed them to be. I'm sure he no longer loves his ex- but that doesn't mean he isn't reeling from the process of it all. When you get divorced, it's a huge reminder that love can fail- that falling in love can and does sometimes lead to pain and heartache. After having realized that, it's often hard to consider the possibility of opening up to someone new. You begin to look at every relationship as a possible failure, rather than an opporunity in this phase. Just take it slow, and keep living your life. He's got a lot of things to work out at the moment, and his gaurd is up. It will take time and patience for those walls to come down. Good luck, D Would someone please send this advice/observation to my EX (ha-ha); if only she had the understanding and maturity of this poster. Am4Real:laugh:
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