guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 It's so hard to "play it cool". I'm dating a guy who is just finishing up his divorce. I don't want to scare him away, because I know he's still healing but also we have something going that we want to see where it leads to. I let him set the pace on everything. The holidays were hard for him and I didn't see him for most of the month, but he still called pretty regularly. But then the week between Christmas and New Years, he wanted to start spending time together as friends. Well the more time we spent, the more we couldn't fight the attraction. The past week or two has been really rough for him because of the mediation; his ex is pretty vindictive from what she said and after a big payout. She must have been desperate to get out because yesterday she just took his first offer and signed off and it's all over. But my concerns are how I know I have to hold myself back from letting my feelings develop naturally. He understands my position and tells me to "not fall just yet", and that he still needs to work through his feelings and to hang in there. He isn't holding me back, but he's told me that he doesn't know how long it will take him to be completely healed and if I need to get out, he will understand. But I know there is something there, and he feels it too. We have a great time together; all of his friends think of us as a couple and include me into plans with him. We see each other pretty much every weekend. But I get panicky when a day or two goes by and I don't hear from him. In the beginning, when we first met in October he called me every single day and emailed through out the day as well. As the “end” got closer, the calls weren’t like clock work. Now there are times I don’t hear from him for a couple of days and then times I get a call every day. It’s frustrating because I do want to talk to him like we used to. The recent week or two of calls, he has been consumed about the mediation and divorce proceedings... while I understand that’s foremost in his mind, it’s really hard and can sometimes make the call awkward. I don’t know what I am asking for help with, I just don’t know how to “stay cool” I guess. I'm not really sure where I stand with him. Sometimes I can see how compatible we are, and then other times, I feel like an outsider looking in, if that makes sense. He says he really likes me, loves spending time with me, wants to see where this goes, however wishes he had met me at a better time in his life. I was so badly hurt on my last relationship, I’m scared to get hurt again... as he is too... we are like too wounded puppies looking for comfort I guess. Any pointers or suggestions on how to appear "casual" without losing my cool?
norajane Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Stay busy with your own life and make sure you are spending lots of time with your friends. He shouldn't be your primary focus right now. You really will survive if you don't talk to him for a few days - that's the most troublesome thing about your post. Get on with your life and you won't "need" to talk to him so much. Divide your attention.
Arianna72 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I so understand what you are saying guin_girl' there is so much of your post I could have written myself. I know that panicky feeling you are talking about. I don't know if it is actually possible to keep that "coolness" when you really like someone who you believe is a great guy and you don't know quite where you stand. If you manage to find one please let me know, because I am fairly certain I finally failed at doing so this weekend. I know I have said this somewhere to you before but I just see so many similarities with our situations though they are of course also very different. Just know that you aren't alone anyhow I guess the only thing we can do is try to do as norajane said and stay busy with our own lives. Of course I also know that often only gets you so far.
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I just want you to be careful with your feelings. A divorce is such a precarious time....so many unresolved issues of anger, pain, feelings of failure, coming to terms with the fact that someone you once loved is a totally different person than what you believed them to be. I'm sure he no longer loves his ex- but that doesn't mean he isn't reeling from the process of it all. When you get divorced, it's a huge reminder that love can fail- that falling in love can and does sometimes lead to pain and heartache. After having realized that, it's often hard to consider the possibility of opening up to someone new. You begin to look at every relationship as a possible failure, rather than an opporunity in this phase. Just take it slow, and keep living your life. He's got a lot of things to work out at the moment, and his gaurd is up. It will take time and patience for those walls to come down. Good luck, D
dropdeadlegs Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I prefer not to date someone involved in a divorce, or recently extracted from marriage or even a relationship. This is for the same reasons you are mentioning. However you are already in your situation and have received good advice. It is hard not to fall when you click with someone and nobody wants to be the rebound girl/guy. It sounds as though he is being very honest with you about his feelings about his divorce and all the legalities that entailed. I'm sure he is till reeling and hurting from the after affects of lost love. Take it slow, involve yourself in the life you had before, and hope for the best. Be prepared for some bumps. Basically everything everyone before me already said. Good luck! I hope it goes the way you want it to!
Author guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 Stay busy with your own life and make sure you are spending lots of time with your friends. He shouldn't be your primary focus right now. You really will survive if you don't talk to him for a few days - that's the most troublesome thing about your post. Get on with your life and you won't "need" to talk to him so much. Divide your attention. He's not so much the focus as the wondering where I stand is. I am actually quite busy with work, school and volunteering. And I know I will survive, but I also know he's one of those rare "loves to talk on the phone" guys. All of his friends are out of state and he has many female friends from there. And now that he's single, they are coming out of the woodwork calling him. I think that's what precipitated this, he told me about his "new female friend" from HS (mind you HS is almost 20 years ago). I'm like how can you have a "new female friend" when she doesn't even live here. But all of his past girls he's shipped down here from home... I'm the first girl he's dated from down here in the 10 years he's been here. But I was with him this weekend and I'm almost positive he called her while I was there... he wouldn't say who he called, and it's not really my business... but here I go a couple days waiting for his call and he can call others while I'm there... so it's kinda annoying. My male friends say that I should be worried about the ones that I don't hear about, and this girl can't mean too much if he has no problem calling in front of me. I did ask him later in the evening if there was someone else he was interested in, he shook his head quickly and then looked at me and asked "where did that come from?" A little bit about my own personal background that might help you all understand why I'm not that secure... The last guy I was with, I was head over heels in love with, we were together for 2.5 years... spent at least 4 day/night a week... we were planning to get married... my world came crashing down when his "long term girl friend" came to my house to claim him back. (Apparently their truck had a GPS system, he missed that or else the sham would probably still be going on.) I was the other woman for all that time and never had a clue. That was 3 years ago and this guy is the first one I felt a connection with.
Author guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 I'm sure he no longer loves his ex- but that doesn't mean he isn't reeling from the process of it all. He has admitted that he still loves her, but that there is no way they will get back together. Lots of fighting about her kids and she really never let him be part of "her family". The marriage was only 23 months and they were her kids from another marriage, where she had to file bankruptcy to get out of their debt. He now believes that she used him to get a better life. She walked out on him, packed up a truck and helped herself to his stuff and wiped out his bank account. His brother died of cancer before they got married and most of his family think that he grabbed onto an "instant family" so he wouldn't miss out on life like his brother. We actually met one time last year although we didn't know it at the time. We were on the bus to a game (that's how we met up this year). He and this instant family were there too... I remember looking at him, thinking what a sad looking person, his eyes were so empty, the didn't look happy... he said he remembered that game/day and he said I was right, it was the beginning of the end. We believe a higher power has brought us together, but we aren't sure why just yet.
Author guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 I wanted to add this, but it wouldn't let me... not sure why, it's not past the time, and I don't see why I would be edited... but here is what I was going to add: This morning my mind went into OD and I got all upset over something that I don't even know for fact... this is where I need help, to stop "creating" problems in my head. That's what's great about this forum, I can confess to "losing it" and he doesn't have to know
Kamille Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 yeah I love this forum for letting us loose it, overanalyze and agonize without anyone out in our immediate networks being wise to it. I understand the urge to want to 'play it cool'. I used to be the queen of wanting to be the cool girlfriend and would usually land myself in situations where, after 8 months of dating, I was with a guy who liked me but was not in love with me. And couldn't leave me because after all, I was so cool. I no longer worry about being cool and worry more about being confortable with myself in a relationship (and in general) and establishing good communication early on. It's reallllly hard for me. Because I seem to think I am stronger then I am, and that I can take more then I really can. In your situation, I would listen to what he says when he says not to fall just yet. He means it. The thing is, it sounds like you have already started falling and you -YOU- need to take a step back. For yourself. Take care of yourself first, even if that means he'll be the one trying to get a hold of you. Last thing: nobody but you decides that you're cool. Damn girl, you ARE cool. Repeat it. I AM cool.
Author guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 In your situation, I would listen to what he says when he says not to fall just yet. He means it. The thing is, it sounds like you have already started falling and you -YOU- need to take a step back. For yourself. Take care of yourself first, even if that means he'll be the one trying to get a hold of you. Last thing: nobody but you decides that you're cool. Damn girl, you ARE cool. Repeat it. I AM cool. I keep also telling myself that I won't fall too... I'm really trying to stay "neutral", tried hanging out with other guys, but I keep thinking about him... I know I should re initiate taking a step back and then when he calls and makes plans for the weekend I'm all excited again. I did talk to him this weekend about how hard it is for me and he understands that. I'm just so flippin' confused! I can give great advice to others, just can't seem to follow it myself. I have dinner plans tonight and then a school meeting... tomorrow night I have my bible study to keep me busy... then it's Friday and we discussed him coming over to be ready to go to Gasparilla together Saturday... I'm going to try my best to not contact him (I usually don't, but every once in a while, I break down... not that I'm trying NC, I just want to let him set the pace) and see if we really are going to do these things...I don't want to use it as an excuse to contact him. This is the bad part of having a cell phone, you ALWAYS know they haven't called.... grrrr
shiver Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Hi, Firstly this guy is going through a divorce, meaning he is married and the marriage is falling apart. He is a grown man, you need to stop making assumptions and listening to rumours as to the reasons he married this woman. His manhood has been undermined in a lot of ways in this process and is looking for validatin of who he is and somehow feel alive as this might be taking away alot from him. He will not be true and faithful to you at this time as he himself is looking for answers and these women provide a quickfix feeling of " i still got it!" , he cannnot give what you need because you dont share the same beliefs right now about love. As painful as it will be i think you need to let him go....he is not yours. Think honestly about why did you choose to be with this guy and not others, whatever comform you are giving each other right now will only cause worse pain later on. Dont go through this, you deserve someone who will be yours in everyway and not look for validation from other women.
Author guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 He will not be true and faithful to you at this time as he himself is looking for answers and these women provide a quickfix feeling of " i still got it!" , he cannnot give what you need because you dont share the same beliefs right now about love. As painful as it will be i think you need to let him go....he is not yours. Think honestly about why did you choose to be with this guy and not others, whatever comform you are giving each other right now will only cause worse pain later on. Dont go through this, you deserve someone who will be yours in everyway and not look for validation from other women. I appreciate your response, but he's not that type of guy... so I have to disagree that's he's a "quick-fix" guy... this is a guy that has been friends with many of my friends for at least the last 6 years, we just never met up until now. He's not a player in anyway... he's been nothing but honest and his whole life has been an open book to me. I'm not saying I shouldn't move on, but I'm not the type of person who meets a lot of guys that I spark with.
Author guin_girl Posted January 24, 2007 Author Posted January 24, 2007 we discussed him coming over to be ready to go to Gasparilla together Saturday... I'm going to try my best to not contact him (I usually don't, but every once in a while, I break down... not that I'm trying NC, I just want to let him set the pace) and see if we really are going to do these things...I don't want to use it as an excuse to contact him. Well I don't have to worry about this weekend.. I got my answer already... a "I'm not going email..." I knew it was coming in my heart of hearts, I guess that's why I have been talking about him so much today!
Arianna72 Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I am sorry to hear that guin_girl Isn't funny how we just sense these things coming.
Author guin_girl Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I am sorry to hear that guin_girl Isn't funny how we just sense these things coming. Thanks Arianna... the funny part was I didn't respond to his email regarding the cancellation. Couple hours later I get an email about our football team, which he knows I get too... it was his way of checking to see if I was upset with him... good to know in his own way that he cared... But so transparent at the same time
justagirliegirl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I wouldn't count on him hanging around. He's going through a divorce. He is going to want to heal from that and look around to see what is out there before settling down again. I hope you are dating others or open to that.
Author guin_girl Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I wouldn't count on him hanging around. He's going through a divorce. He is going to want to heal from that and look around to see what is out there before settling down again. I hope you are dating others or open to that. easier said then done... and I have tried, but they just weren't him... he wasn't married all that long, so it's not like he was tied down and needs to sow his wild oats... he's just not that kind of guy... but I am trying to stay "casual" and not get too attached for the very reason you mentioned.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I'm just so flippin' confused! I can give great advice to others, just can't seem to follow it myself. Join the club guin_girl! My advice is usually way better than my actions in my own life. Sorry about the disappointment concerning the weekend. Advice usually runs from the far left to the far right in content. Nobody can know your guy and we all speak from our own skewed view based on our experiences. I'm such a middle of the road kinda girl most of the time that it is often hard for me to see things in the black and white way some people do. You know that this could go either way, but you still know better on which direction to place your bets with your own heart. As long as you expect the highs from excitement to be highs, and the lows of disappointment to be lows, and can keep your head with either outcome, you are going to fare just fine no matter how this unfolds. I don't feel a lot of spark very often either, so I invest when I do. I try with each experience to take away a little bit of knowledge so I don't repeat things I felt were mistakes for me. With every relationship I have more of a defined sense of what and who is right for me. That's usually good enough, once I get past the initial pain involved with each lost love. I think you are handling this fine. It's great to have somewhere to vent when we feel our thoughts are conflicting, confusing, and just plain crazy. Keep posting when you get those feelings. I think it keeps me from acting crazily in my life. I can scream about the injustices, the unfairness, the irritations and annoyances and then I feel better and can see the good things more clearly. Holding our emotions in check is easier said than done, here they can be released without much damage to our lives. And sometimes we learn something about ourselves!
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 I moticed you mentioned that he wasn't married that long... I'm going to tell you that it doesn't matter, it's still going to affect him in a painful way. She may have been the biggest b*tch in the universe- but that is irrelevant, and all the more reason for him to question and run away from a new relationship. He's been burned- he married someone who burned him... at some point, he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her and she disappointed him. He's questioning his judgement, he's reeling from the injustice... none of those realities can be easily dismissed. Just know that his reluctance to commit has nothing to do with you. It truly is bad timing. His mind is focused elsewhere. I don't want to upset you- but you may be a rebound. That is why I'd like you to take a step back and look after yourself and protect your feelings. If he's admitting he still loves her- that is a red flag. If he's affected by the divorce proceedings- it means SHE still has the ability to stir up his feelings...another red flag. She hurt him- he's hurt, and he's vulnerable and confused. It really isn't the best time to get involved seriously with someone. Believe me, I know what it's like to meet someone you have a spark with when it happens to rarely. But it does happen. So keep looking. I'm worried you're going to get hurt here... I hope I don't bring you down with these observations... D
Author guin_girl Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 I hope I don't bring you down with these observations... D Well, I'm certainly not dancing in the aisles over here... JK... And I know that he's hurt and confused, that's why he talks about us being in a relationship, I tell him that I can't even think that way. I don't want to be the rebound... It really scares me... that's why I started this thread, I want to be as casual as possible to build a friendship and not ruin something that can be good in the future. Even though the attraction is so strong. Right now, other than canceling plans for us this weekend via email, I haven't heard from him this week, and that bothers me because I know what a social creature he is on the phone, but I'm not the one he's calling this week... You mention you understand about the not sparking much with people and then to go out and look more... but I'm 40 and have only sparked with 4 people... he being the 4th... so it's not so easy to just "keep looking"... I have been looking for YEARS... I haven't been married or had children... life is just passing me by... I do appreciate your response... I'm just hurting for me... and him... I'm just so confused... I don't want to run him away...
dgiirl Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 It's been two years since I've been separated from my exh. I can tell you I heard a lot of ppl say they wont date a newly divorced person, and this upset me a lot at the time, but having the time to reflect on my actions of the past two years, I agree with them now. For me, my emotions were all over the place. The highs were overly high, and the lows were overly low. When I met a new guy who was interested in me, I was overly excited for the first 3 weeks, then ran away scared out of my wits. I was in this constant push and pull of emotions. I would often be very social for a week or two, then become a total hermit for a week. My emotions were completely unstable. It sounds like your guy has a lot of emotions to work out at the moment. He lost his brother to cancer. He married someone who had kids and didnt involve him into the family. Then she took advantage of him and left him holding the bag. For me, not only did I mourn my marriage, but it also brought up a lot of fears of the future, and a lot of unresolved pain from my past. I evaluated every single relationship I've ever had, with every single person in my life. I remembered childhood events. I remembered highschool friendships. I remembered everything, and I had to process everything. And I dont doubt your bf is going through something similar. Losing his brother must have been hard, and if what you said is true, he married this woman out of fear of letting time slip by, then he really does have a lot of things to work through. He has to become at peace with the loss of his brother, and his current situation in life. He has to become at peace that he's single and no kids and that although he doesnt know what will come tomorrow, he has to be happy with his current life. It doesnt sound like he's done that. This will be a rough time for you. He will be unpredictable and will be riding a bunch of highs and lows. Are you capable of riding them with him? Knowing at the end of the ride, it's very unlikely that you two will remain together? It's NOT impossible, and so you have to decide if the relationship is worth the risk. Live with no regrets. Which would you regret more? Giving up on a relationship because you might get hurt? Or investing yourself more into a relationship and it might not work out?
stace79 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 The problem that I have seen is that many guys act like they are falling for you even when their hearts are stuck elsewhere, like in a divorce or an ex, for example. My biggest advice (and I have been here myself) is to not let yourself fall. If you don't think you can hold back, get away, quickly. IF he wants to be with you and his feelings are genuine, he will do whatever it takes to convince you. But don't convince yourself first. You will just have that panicky feeling wondering what's going to happen, and you will be heartbroken if, once he clears his head of the divorce mess, he realizes you were just a rebound or someone to console him during this time of trial. Please be very careful. You can't help liking someone, but you can help how involved you become, or if you keep yourself involved in other things until you DO know for certain where you stand.
Author guin_girl Posted January 25, 2007 Author Posted January 25, 2007 thank you all for listening/reading my posts... I am soaking in everything that you all are saying... my last relationship break up was so surreal, that I still at times are going WTF... so I completely understand his range of emotions... He's the first guy I've been attracted to since then, so I've got my own reasons/issues that I'm scared to open up, so it's a little easier to hold back emotionally because I don't want to get hurt like that again... I wouldn't survive it, I barely made it through what I did. And although I'm trying to ride that fine line, and suppress anything at this time, I'm hoping that this "rejection" will not set my own progress back. My goal is to maintain the friendship and see how our friendship grows... and this is what he has said repeatedly as well, all his relationships have grown from friendship... honestly we have so much in common, it's like looking in a mirror at times... We are also part of the same circle of friends during college football season and will have events that we will be attending together regardless of where this may or may not lead.
Arianna72 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 Sounds like you and I can definetly support each other in getting through our "situations" and attempting to remain "friends" with people we feel a bit more than just "friendly" with. Anytime you need an ear to listen and keep from calling or whatever when you don't think you should let me know
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 guin_girl, you have my support as well. I'll be here to sympathize or celebrate with you too!
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