Author Arianna72 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Well still no phone call at 7:00 so I suppose the questions are answered. If he hasn't called by now he won't call to make plans for tonight. I am kinda suprised and quite bummed as I admit I assumed he would at least call to say hello. Not sure if I will even pick up my phone at this point. Thanks for the replies though
D-Lish Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I'm glad you decided to go out with your friends. Putting your life on hold, being so willing to drop everything if he happened to call... You don't want to give him the impression that you are so available to him. Men prefer a bit of a challenge...
Author Arianna72 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 True.. but I fear I am also weak. The thing is I broke things off with him and then sent that big long letter, and have not even tried to contact him since then. Prior to that he was always very attentive. He called me everyday and made plans with me etc. There is a little voice inside my head saying... call him... don't expect him to do all the work... I am the one who said I was done... I am the one who wants him back. He isn't even sure he wants a relationship if I am not at least trying to contact him I worry that he will just decide to leave the whole thing alone. Not to mention like I said, he appears to think I want to "just be friends" Yeah I know.. if he decides that then I am better of without him anyways but I really like him GAHHH... it is like my phone is mocking me right now. I hear it I swear
dropdeadlegs Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Are you doing that thing where you look at it, make sure it's on, even call it from a land line to be sure the ringer isn't broken? I've sure been there and done that and I know how pathetic it made me feel. Didn't you straighten out your mindset with an email? I don't know Arianna, I am so weak. I probably would have called him already. Don't listen to anything I say as advice, I'm better at co-miserating apparently.
guin_girl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Are you doing that thing where you look at it, make sure it's on, even call it from a land line to be sure the ringer isn't broken? thank goodness I'm not the only "freak" I've sure been there and done that and I know how pathetic it made me feel. Didn't you straighten out your mindset with an email? I don't know Arianna, I am so weak. I probably would have called him already. Don't listen to anything I say as advice, I'm better at co-miserating apparently. I'm still battling with the not calling thing too Arianna... it's killing me, it's been 7 days since he's called me... and I don't know why... Hang in there and go out and have fun for me too!!!
tanbark813 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I know it doesn't matter at this point but FWIW I wholeheartedly agree with guin_girl's advice on how to proceed for the evening. There is a little voice inside my head saying... call him... That's your fear of loss talking. Don't listen to it.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 I would so call it from a landline if I had one except that I know it is working given my ex has called me a couple times to update me on where he is and how much longer before he will be in town. I thought I had straightened things out a bit in the email but apparently it wasn’t as clear as I thought as he thinks I just want to be friends. I wanted to sit down and talk with him but I guess he isn’t ready to do that at this point. Well I lost my battle. I called him, I wish I would have seen the replies before doing so. I didn’t want to be looking at my phone all night while I was out with my friends waiting for it to ring. I of course am fairly certain it was the wrong thing to do in terms of getting things to a place I want with him but at least the anxiety is gone. We talked for a while and he said he was feeling much better but tired and didn’t think he was going to go out this evening. He asked me what I was up to tonight, I told him my plans and also mentioned that I was going to go get dinner beforehand. He said he should probably eat something as well, so I was hoping he would ask if I wanted to grab a quick dinner (this conversation in the past usually lead to him just stopping by my place with to-go food or inviting me out) but he didn’t. We talked for a bit more he told me to “be good tonight and take care of myself” whatever that means and we hung up. I beat myself up for a couple minutes for not just asking him to join me for a quick dinner. Then I made a total arse of myself by calling him back and inviting him to dinner. He thanked me for the offer said he was tired and was just going to eat some soup and watch tv. and asked if he could get a “raincheck”. I told him in a very friendly way that “this was my last attempt, that I was trying and it was the last time I would call him”. He sounded all sad and said “but the door is still open if I call you right”. I said “yeah I suppose so if you call soon, but it won’t be open forever”. His reply was “yeah doors have a way of doing that”. I asked if there was any other reason he didn’t want to join me, he said no. I said goodbye and he told me again that he would “talk with me soon” with the clear inflection that he would call me. The conversation lasted all of a minute or so. I feel incredibly stupid now. I won’t beat myself up anymore for calling but I am DEFINETLY not doing that again.
guin_girl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I feel incredibly stupid now. I won’t beat myself up anymore for calling but I am DEFINETLY not doing that again. Don't beat yourself up Arianna... your human, and unfortunately for us, the heart screams louder than the head sometimes. And we get so worked up that we make it worse in our minds than it really is... But now you will need to stick to your resolve not to call him until he calls you... I hope it's soon! Remember we are here for you... you aren't alone in this journey.
Author Arianna72 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Believe me, my resolve is very set this time. I will not call him again. I had a great night last night, though everyone in the bar had to ask me where R. was. The continued comments like "where is your boyfriend" etc were getting old when we were still hanging out given that he didn't want a "girlfriend". But now... I don’t even want to explain to people what happened or say "we broke up" since we weren't technically together. Apparently the ex heard I was single again and wasn't calling to invite me out on a "strictly plutonic" level so I suppose it was a good thing that R. didn't want to go out last night. His interest certainly made me feel a bit better but I explained to him where I was at with R. and he was very understanding. I don’t want to go backwards anyways, I learned long ago that trying to rekindle old relationships usually ends with people getting hurt all over again. Not to mention I already know that he is not available in the way I would want him to be. He lives a very transitory lifestyle as an adventure guide (river rafting, mountain climbing) so he is never in one place for very long (he was born here so he always makes his way back for chunks of time). He wants me to go on a "date" with him when he travels back through here from LA in a couple weeks. I know it won’t go anywhere but that may actually be perfect. He is fun to hang out with and he is only in town occasionally for very short periods of time. If things aren’t any better with R. I may actually accept as I am guessing I will be in need of a “distraction” (though I know that sounds horrible).
tanbark813 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I may actually accept as I am guessing I will be in need of a “distraction” (though I know that sounds horrible). It doesn't sound horrible at all.
guin_girl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 The continued comments like "where is your boyfriend" etc were getting old when we were still hanging out given that he didn't want a "girlfriend". But now... I don’t even want to explain to people what happened or say "we broke up" since we weren't technically together. Yea I know how that is, they mean well, but it's just so frustrating, cause you aren't even sure how to explain anything. He wants me to go on a "date" with him when he travels back through here from LA in a couple weeks. I know it won’t go anywhere but that may actually be perfect. He is fun to hang out with and he is only in town occasionally for very short periods of time. If things aren’t any better with R. I may actually accept as I am guessing I will be in need of a “distraction” (though I know that sounds horrible). You are not horrible; I'm doing the same thing... someone from my past just reappeared as the other disappeared... very weird how that worked out. Although I desperately want to hear from the other, like you... we deserve to go out and have fun.
brinsy Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 i don't think you did wrong thing, take step back and see how that turns out when you just don't know.if he relly loves you he will come over, now keep your words don't call him or write a letter to him anymore.
Author Arianna72 Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Well... he called me last night and we talked for about 45 minutes or so. He invited me to go to a Poker Tournament with him Saturday night, it sounds like fun but it is certainly not a place where we will be able to "talk" at all. I told him I might be up for that but that I would really like to get together and have dinner or something and actually talk to him. He said that sounded like a good idea and we could get together before the tournament and talk. I of course would really prefer to get together sooner than that but I suppose him saying we would talk will have to be enough. I wrote him that email over a week ago now and still haven't gotten a real response other than his comments that it "was the nicest letter he has ever gotten" and that "he wanted to still be a part of my life", and of course a "thank you for sending it". None of those comments told me anything about how he actually felt about what I said in the email and I don't really want to "hang-out" with him until we have talked about it but he seems to want to talk about anything but that. He also asked me about my evening with the ex. and wanting to know if I was considering going back there. He called me again today to let me know a friend of mine died this week (she has had cancer for a while), I already knew this but it was nice of him to call and tell me when he heard I suppose. ohh on a side note.. the abbreviation SO also unfortunately stands for Sex Offender in the criminal justice field which has always made it a tough one for me to use as I work in the field.
guin_girl Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 well I think it sounds good... regular calling, setting up meetings... just keep playing it cool... it's working
dropdeadlegs Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 well I think it sounds good... regular calling, setting up meetings... just keep playing it cool... it's working Me too. Push the conversation towards closure of the email effects if that's what you need to do. I would. But my actions aren't necessarily the right thing for a man. Go figure since I'm a woman. Still closure on events is important to me. I know my suggestion that I would call him didn't end up working like I thought, but to me it was still "educational." That is important to me even if it I was hurt. Knowledge is power. Not all knowledge feeds me and my ego, but it is enlightening and allows me to make better decisions. Decisions that now vary depending on the situation. Generalizations are for the most part good, but people do vary. Situations vary. You know best how to proceed. My opinion and guidance are certainly based on my retrospect. I'm still on your side.
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Men don't tend to talk about their feelings. I wouldn't worry that he didn't respond by emoting and laying his feelings on the table. He did respond...and that is a good thing. Take it slow. I think you guys need to clarify some things with each other. Things are so up in the air right now. You need to know one way or the other, just where it is that you stand.
Author Arianna72 Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Well haven't talked to him since Tuesday and I am starting to feel a bit antsy again. We are supposed to get together tomorrow. I am hoping he will call tonight or early tomorrow to at least confirm our plans. I know I shouldn't already be thinking about if he doesn't call but I am. Just writing here so that maybe I won't think about it all night. If he doesn't call me at least an hour or two before we are supposed to meet up (tom at 4 was tentative time) do I call him and ask him to meet me so we can talk or??
guin_girl Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Well haven't talked to him since Tuesday and I am starting to feel a bit antsy again. We are supposed to get together tomorrow. I am hoping he will call tonight or early tomorrow to at least confirm our plans. I know I shouldn't already be thinking about if he doesn't call but I am. Just writing here so that maybe I won't think about it all night. If he doesn't call me at least an hour or two before we are supposed to meet up (tom at 4 was tentative time) do I call him and ask him to meet me so we can talk or?? Hi Arianna, I'm sorry he hasn't called you yet, I know how you feel. He invited you to watch the Poker Tournament, and you agreed, so from your perspective, you have a date. He should be calling you to firm up plans, not you. (I was supposed to be watching the super bowl with "my" guy, but he (as you know) hasn't called nor did he return a VM from last Friday I left. So I'm not calling him, nor should I have to.) When he does call, and he will, if he asks you why you didn't call, just tell him that you two had already agreed to go out and thought that he would call you to confirm. It's going to be hard, but you need him to want you. You have put yourself out there, he knows where you stand, now you need to take a stand. Easier said then done I know. But hang in there. We are here for you.
Author Arianna72 Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 We are actually playing in the poker tournament so he needs to call and reserve our seats and pay the "buy-in" at least an hour ahead of time. We are also supposed to go to dinner before hand since we won't really be able to talk at the tournament. What if he doesn't call though... should I set some sort of time limit on him confirming our plans. Saturday morning I am going to watch a friends band play at a coffee house. Saturday evening a couple of my good female friends are going dancing and one of my male friends from the bar invited me to a pool tournament at 7 Saturday night, so it is not like I can't make other plans. I don't want to end up sitting around waiting for him to call all Saturday night and then just being depressed. I am starting to worry about our whole last conversation though... going over it in my head, wondering if I said anything wrong. I know he asked me how the evening went with the ex and if I was "considering going back there". I told him we had a great time but that with the head-space I was in right now I wasn't wanting to start anything again right now. He seemed to be fishing for something and asked quite a few more questions. I finally said... "I am trying to figure out where things stand with us"... "if things don't work out, I don't know... I am not entirely ruling anything out right now". I don't know if he was trying to get me to lay my feelings for him out again or what but in my mind he still hasn't responded to the email and I don't feel like I need to keep reassuring him until I get a little bit more myself. He also told me that his ex and her daughter were over watching movies. I know I got quiet for a sec and was honestly a bit bummed... I thought he meant the Monday night when I had invited him to dinner (before I went out) and he declined saying he wanted to stay home and watch TV. I couldn't help myself and ended up saying something like... "why didn't you just tell me last night that she was coming over instead of making an excuse". It turned out he meant they had just left that night (tuesday), so of course I felt stupid and apologized but... Gahhhhh... I hate all this second guessing myself. I am starting to think that no matter how wonderful a guy he is this just isn't worth it. Part of the reason I was so happy with things was that I wasn't always doing this and he made me feel good. I don't feel good anymore
guin_girl Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 We are actually playing in the poker tournament so he needs to call and reserve our seats and pay the "buy-in" at least an hour ahead of time. We are also supposed to go to dinner before hand since we won't really be able to talk at the tournament. ooh that sounds like fun, I play the bar game, but no money is involved, which is a good thing because I take way more chances than I ever would with REAL money!! I am starting to worry about our whole last conversation though... going over it in my head, wondering if I said anything wrong. Now see this is what gets woman in trouble, men do not put in that much thought to a conversation. Don't worry about what you said because you didn't say anything wrong, nor will they dwell on it like us! I finally said... "I am trying to figure out where things stand with us"... "if things don't work out, I don't know... I am not entirely ruling anything out right now". I don't know if he was trying to get me to lay my feelings for him out again or what but in my mind he still hasn't responded to the email and I don't feel like I need to keep reassuring him until I get a little bit more myself. But your response did reassure him again. You put it out there again that you want to see where your relationship goes with him. Remember how this all started "I came home and sat thinking about everything and decided that I just didn’t think I could continue being involved with him when she was so closely tied to him." That was the reason you were going to take a step back. That hasn't changed, the only thing that you changed (that I see as I reread the thread) was not to go NC. The ball is in his court now, you have made yourself available, now he needs to follow through.
Author Arianna72 Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Thank you so much guin_girl. I am trying my best to just process things on here. At this point I really don't want to talk to any of my friends/family about this. They will of course always take my side and most of them are starting to get mad at him. I would hate to end up in a place where things between he and I improve and everyone I know wants nothing to do with him anymore or decides not to trust him or whatever. At this point most of the advice I get from them is to run away... they may be right but I am obviously not ready to do that yet.
guin_girl Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 well I don't know how good my advice is... I'm not hooking them and reeling them in but I am here to "listen"/read... hang in there, you are doing great.
tanbark813 Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Now see this is what gets woman in trouble, men do not put in that much thought to a conversation. Don't worry about what you said because you didn't say anything wrong, nor will they dwell on it like us! I agree with this. Arianna: The fact that he hasn't responded to the email yet is a response in and of itself. I know you probably won't listen to me but the best thing you can do right now is to flat out tell him you want to be with him with the ex out of the picture and you won't have any more contact with him until that happens. Then go NC. If he really wants to be with you he'll come around. If he doesn't, then you can at least start to get over him and then figure out what to do at a later date (read "6 months" not "2 days") if you want to maintain a friendship with him (and what you have right now is not a friendship). I don't want to be harsh but all you're doing right now is repeatedly setting yourself up for heartache. Decide what you want for yourself, and pursue that. Don't let yourself be dangled completely at his whim. Take it from a guy who's been in your guy's position.
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